Why Parents Drink

vm man of the future


This morning I was talking with a friend discussing all of the crazy things little toddler children do.

They stick rocks the size of marbles up their tiny little noses. They wrap strings around their fingers until their fingers turn red, then white, then blue. They wrap curtain and blind cords around their tiny necks and then laugh about it. They run out into the street in front of trucks that are going way too fast. They run when you tell them not to and then they tumble down steep grades on asphalt taking all of the skin off of their knees. They slip on pieces of paper you told them to pick up and knock out their teeth. They squeeze cats. They backwash in every drink you try to enjoy. They lick the dog. They whack you in the face for no apparent reason. They throw things. They put mysterious things down toilets. They cut their own hair. They pour expensive perfume down the sink. They feed the fish the entire container of fish food all at the same time. They take the fish out of the tank to pet them. Some of them put everything not locked down or glued down into their tiny mouths, even if it tastes vile. They eat spoons full of salt. They projectile vomit on expensive suits and silk ties. They find Sharpies and draw on EVERYTHING. They yell things in public like, “DON’T HIT ME.” Sometimes they yell things like, “WHY DO YOU HAVE HAIR ON YOUR BUTT?” Or “YOUR BRA IS REALLY BIG.”

Then they giggle and laugh and give you a slobbery kiss. Then they say, “I love you.” This is why we don’t eat our young. On the other hand, this is why we drink. This is why we don’t have enough sex with the other parent. This is why we crave alone time with books after everyone in the house is asleep.

It is a good thing they are so cute. It is a really good thing.

This is why I love teens. Yes, it is worth the wait. You’ll get through it.

Juliette aka Vampire Maman


vm darling girl


9 thoughts on “Why Parents Drink

  1. Love it. Exactly what it is like to have a toddler in a nutshell. Wonderful. I don’t drink but now I want to. Thank you. Jk. Anyway it’s amazing how you can be so exasperated in one minute and then you melt or burst into laughter. The other day I was trying to get him to finish his meat and he said, “Y’know some meat is dead? It used to be alive and then a truck backed up over it.”

    • If you talk with your kids a lot, know how they feel, know what they are doing, and tell them NO every once in a while, and most of all laugh with them a lot the teen years are EASY. Believe me on this one.

  2. Pingback: A Vampire Looks Back on 2015 at Vampire Maman dot com | Vampire Maman


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