From the edge of the deep end.

As you can see (if you really care) I’ve been behind on my blogging duties. The regular Thursday feature Ask Juliette will be posted later today as an irregular Friday feature. If anyone is reading Girl in the Woods you’ll have to wait until later today, or maybe next week, for the latest unedited rambling installment.

I haven’t been reading much of anything either. That includes blog posts, books, mail… we even skipped our anniversary and stayed home and more or less did nothing. Today, I swear, I will start reading the book my neighbor wrote. I have a paperback edition. Looks like a great series.

Yesterday I was at the DMV trying to figure out why a truck I don’t own was registered in my name at my old address. I also need to find out who the person is who keeps getting tickets that I am now expected to pay for. So today I’ll be on the phone with DMV investigations – the first I’m sure of many many many phone calls. I should have said I HOPE I will be on the phone with the DMP investigations office. I’ve already called five times this morning and haven’t so much reached a voice mail box. I can just see a windowless office with two old fashioned black dial phones and two beleaguered state analysts who are counting the minutes until the weekend starts, and wondering why their budget was cut.

I’d like to say that I could just do some paranormal shit and take care of it all but come on folks, this isn’t the 19th Century anymore. Things are complicated. Complicated enough for me to even forego my usual stream of fucks and other related bad words and calmly take care of the problem like an expert zen master. I have no more fucks to give.

That is only one of many piles of shit that keep hitting my fan lately.

But there is a bright side to the piles of shit…the thirty five pound puppy (born 12/29/15) is almost house broken. She has only pooped three times in the house since Monday.  Now the big training issues are come, stay, don’t chase the cats, and don’t drag tree branches into the house.

So my brother Max stopped by last night to stay a day or two. This is added to the fact that I’d already pissed off my husband Teddy for the hundredth time this week so he was in a bad mood. I sent Max upstairs to Teddy’s office where they talked politics, cars, and the general apathy among urban Vampires.

When you live on the edge of several worlds it isn’t too hard to feel like you’re going to lose your footing and fall at any moment.

I just looked out the window and I’m happy to say I only see squirrels, birds, and a calico cat. No Ghosts or Goblins thank goodness. Seriously, I kid you not, I have to deal with those asshats. Don’t wish you could become a Vampire unless you want to have even MORE idiots in your life.

People just don’t get it. They think everything in world of the undead is all romantic and mysterious. Mysterious yes, because I don’t know what the fuck is going on most of the time lately. Romantic? That is on the back burner. I’m still stirring it up sometimes, but… anyway, I’m going off the deep end here. Actually I’m just looking down into the deep end.

My old friend, the famous Vampire poet Enrico Moretti, once told me, “Juliette, you must stop and gather your thoughts and senses, like roses, fragrant, yet covered with thorns.”

Yes, that could have been one of those WTF moments, but when a five hundred year old Vampire tells you something in a voice that could both melt wax and freeze just about anything, you tend to listen politely. You also tend to remember it, archive it, and bring it out later when you think you might need it.

I can hear Max grunting something and pouring a cup of coffee and digging in the refrigerator for blood to add to it. I yelled at him to look behind the milk.

Today I will gather my thoughts and senses. Walk the dog. Call the DMV again. Yell at the dog for chasing the cats. And maybe step back from the edge of the deep end.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman




Lost and Found

lipsI was almost shaking I was so hungry. You know how it gets when you’re just light headed and your heart is hardly beating, but if you’re not a Vampire it might beat faster, but anyway, you know the feeling.

Arriving at Jack’s law office downtown I could hardly contain myself. It had been a while since I’d seen my old friend for a “lunch date.” Way too long. When I saw Jack I got him out of his jacket and shirt so fast I hardly realized what I was doing. Vampire fingers can fly over buttons like you wouldn’t believe. He took care of his tie and then his undershirt. He fell on the couch, I was in his lap, my mouth on his neck, my fangs in his skin. His eyes closed and a smile was on his face. I’d put him in his happy spot on a beach far far away with warm breezes and the sound of the waves crashing.

Crashing. The door flew open and someone yelled. Jack tried to stand, I let go and there was blood everywhere.

His partner (in his law firm)  Owen had come into the room, thinking something was going on. There was something but it wasn’t what he thought it was.

Owen was yelling but I didn’t listen. Now Owen, is a big guy – a former football player, maybe a tad under six and a half feet. And he is loud.

“Quick,” I hissed putting my right hand on Jack’s bleeding neck and holding out my other hand. He came close. I grabbed his wrist and looked him in the eye. “Forget you saw anything. It was nothing. Sleep.” He slumped to the floor. I put my mouth back on Jack’s neck and stopped the bleeding.

Fortunately Jack keeps a spare shirt or two in his office closet and a spare suit (in case he has to go to court on a more casual day). I ended up leaving wearing one of his white dress shirts over my own navy blue slacks. My blouse was soaked with blood along with my hair. Jack and I cleaned up in the bathroom.

“I’m so sorry.” I was. This sort of thing is so rare and completely threw me off.

Jack held me close and kissed me on the top of the head. “Don’t be.”

“It has been a long time since I’ve almost bled out a donor.”

“A donor? Interesting term.”

“Don’t take it wrong. You’re first and foremost my friend. I mean that.”

“I can feel your heart beating. Now that is something different.”

I backed away. “I have to go.”

“Will I see you and Teddy at the Halloween party this weekend?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it. We’re coming as Vampires. Fancy that.”

He took my hand and pulled me back and wrapped his arms around me. Stroking my face Jack whispered “You’re so cold. Sometimes I can’t believe you’re real.” He looked in my eyes. I wanted to break his gaze and turn away but I was trapped. His mouth met mine in a kiss, that was more than just friends.

I pushed away and gasped as if I’d been drowning. “I’m not like you. I never was. I never will be. I’m your worst nightmare.”

“Then go to bed with me.”

“I’ll kill you,” I gasped, hardly able to take in a breath. It wasn’t a threat, just a statement of a possibility.

We stood looking at each other. He has a small smile on his face. I was the horrified one.

Then he picked up a box off of his desk. “This is for you. Happy Birthday Juliette. 154 is it?”

I cautiously opened the package. Unwrapping the tissue paper I found a doll, about 8 inches long. She was made of China. Her black hair was painted on, contrasting to her white face. The pale blue dress was thin with age. I’d had a doll just like her when I was a child.

“Look on the back of her neck,” said Jack.

On the back were the initials in child like letters JAT. I’d written my initials on her so many years ago. She was my doll. I’d lost her so many many years ago.

Jack stepped closer again. “I found her in an antique store. I had a feeling she might have been yours.”

My heart stopped. Literally it stopped, as Vampire hearts sometimes do when we’re overwhelmed with emotion. Then it started up again.

“Thank you Jack. Oh my goodness, I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”

He took another step closer. “I love you Juliette.”

My heart stopped again and I kissed him again and left him, standing with a smile on his face and an icy chill in the air, even though it was 75 degrees outside.

“No you don’t.” I said as I hit the sunlight that burned my eyes and caused me to feel ill. I stepped back into the dark shadow of the building and took a deep breath. “Damn you Jack. You’re going to ruin everything.”

I pulled out my phone and called my husband Teddy. He was quiet on the line when I told him what happened.

Teddy gave a quiet laugh then said, “It isn’t like this is the first or the last time this has happened to you. I think every guy who ever found out you were a Vampire fell in love with you and then some. It happens to me at least once a week. They can’t resist us dear.”

“I know, but…”

“I was with Jack when he found the doll. I remembered you carrying her around when you were small.”

I almost started to cry at that point. “I love you Teddy.”

“I love you too. Don’t worry about Jack. He’ll be fine. He’s a good friend. Just give him time to get used to the whole Vampire thing. What has it been? Six months since he found out we were Vampires? His wife has always known, but I went through the same thing with her but in triplicate. It’s ok darling. Everything is ok.”

And Teddy is right. Everything is ok, but sometimes the shadows get in the way and we just have to trust ourselves.

Things were easier a long time ago when the world wasn’t going so fast and we didn’t have so much on our minds. I’m not saying it was any better, but it was different. It was easier to be a Vampire.

And sometimes things just get weird – and that isn’t exclusive to Vampires. It gets weird for everyone. But that’s ok too as long as we continue to love and learn and think with both our hearts and our heads.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman