Vampire Diary: Resolutions

Dear Diary,

I do not understand all of this talk about resolutions. I am already doing every task I need to do. Why should I proclaim in public my short comings and lack of decisiveness?

My love Gillian told me that it would be fun to make resolutions. She said I would feel more modern. Fun? Bah. Writing such things is not fun. Chasing down Vampire Hunters in the forest on horseback and ramming them through with spears is fun. Dancing with beautiful women then sinking my teeth into their necks is fun. Finding no blood stains on my clothes after a night out is fun. Resolutions are not fun.

Alas even a Vampire Kings has to do things to amuse his lovers, so I made a resolution. I told Gillian that I would take it upon myself to learn all there is to know about the games held in the huge arena where large men play with their balls before a cheering crowd.

She told me not to say that to others. I questioned her about that. Why should I not talk about sport? It is the only thing men are allowed to speak freely about. She said it was how I used the expression, “their balls.” I did not understand.  Then Gillian told me not to be a fool. I called her a bitch. She locked me out of the bedroom. It was not a good night.

I will make a resolution to ignore her next time she asks me to do resolutions and talk about the confusing sports of idiots with balls.

~ Vlad

__________

Dear Diary,

Balls. Now I know what BALLS is. Why did not a soul tell me about balls? Back when I was Vampire King heads and balls would roll. Now I look back and realize I sounded like a young boy laughing at his first vulgar jest.

~ Vlad

___________

Dear Diary,

Balls! How did I not know?

~ Vlad

___________

Dear Diary,

I brought Gillian a case of Romance Writers’s Blood, and a diamond bracelet. She is now happy with me again.

Tonight we went out in the city streets to see fireworks and other lights in the old part of town.

As Gillian and I walked through the crowds I could see heads turning, and eyes upon me. They smile and whisper to each other. “Oh my God,” they say, “he is so cute.” I do not understand what this cute means, but I do know it is important.

One New Year’s Eve when I a young Vampire of eighteen years my Auntie Dorgania said, “Vlad it is too bad you do not have the dangerous hooked nose, the pointed chin, and dark large eyebrows of your grandfather, and your uncles. He made those who saw him in his magnificent robes recoil with fear, but also bow with respect. Vlad, you are hardly a figure to be noticed. You are like your father. You are more like a woman. Do you have anything under your tunic or just a smooth spot like a fork in young tree branches? You will be nothing. That is too bad. You have so many other talents. Maybe I should sew you a dress. You should grow your blonde locks and braid them with pretty red ribbons. I will find you a husband who will beat you into submission.” The she laughed and licked her lips like a dog. We were not alone. Everyone at the party in the great room of the castle laughed with her.

I went home and looked into a mirror. It was nothing but fog and I had a hard time finding my reflection. I caught my eyes and my image became clear. I did not look like a woman. Yet, the cruel words of Auntie Dorgania still stung. Later that year I sent a pack of wolves after her horse and she was never seen again.

My father kept saying, “I wonder what happened to Dorgania?” I said nothing. I kept her skull for many years then gave it to a monk who made it into a goblet and gave it to a nun he was in love with. Nobody can accuse me of not believing in true love.

Tonight I walked proud, as I had when I finally became King of the Vampires. I was no longer the ruler of anything but I was coldly confident and content.

For Vampires the eve of a new year is the time for secrets. I asked Gillian how she became a Vampire. I have known her for four hundred years but never had heard her story. She smiled and kissed me under the first explosion of fireworks. I forgot about her secrets.

Gillian and I dined in the dark basements of the old city on merry makers. They slept well, and we celebrated. Then we made resolutions. Only two.

  1. We will learn games with big and small balls.
  2. We will drink no bad blood.

Then we wished all we saw, and all who saw us, a Happy New Year, as much as two Vampires in love can wish anyone anything, which isn’t much. That is our nature after all.

~ Vlad

 

 

Vampire Diary: Dye Vampire Dye

Dear Diary,

I heard a knock upon my door. I was not expecting a visitor.

Upon my threshold stood my neighbor, the teenager Kylee. In her hand was a large padded envelope. She smiled.

Then she spoke in her odd way, as if all statements are questions. “This was in our mailbox. Vampire King? You’re too cute to be a vampire.” She smiled and raised an eyebrow.

On the envelope was written, Vlad, Vampire King. Then the address of my home. The sender had the sanity not to write Vlad’s Castle or other such outdated nonsense.

“It is an endearment,” I said as I took the envelope.

“I was thinking more of maybe a Cosplay thing.”

I just smiled slightly to be polite and not seem ignorant. I do not know what this Cosplay thing is.

How can one be too cute to be Vampire King? I still do not understand this cute. Cute can mean power because all living humans are drawn to cute. Living humans are drawn to me as well through my seductive powers as a vampire but I do not understand why being such as a baby or kitten would make women think of me.

“Too cute?” I asked the girl. “How is one too cute?”

She laughed in that unapologetic way teenage girls of this century laugh. “You’re all honey blonde, and that dimple is adorable.”

Adorable. Now the Vampire King is adorable. I am constantly confused by these people.

The girl Kylee laughed out loud again and left to her own home.

I need blood. And aspirin.

~ Vlad

 

———————-

 

Dear Diary,

I will not dye my hair black to become a serious vampire. The thought crossed my mind for a brief second. Maybe an hour or two. What is wrong with me? I used to rule an empire and now my biggest concern is Clairol or L’Oreal.  I will remain cute, along with my cats.

~ Vlad

 

——————————

 

Dear Diary,

I looked up the definition of adorable.

a·dor·a·ble
əˈdôrəb(ə)l/
adjective
inspiring great affection; delightful; charming.
“she looked just adorable”
synonyms: cute, lovable, appealing, charming, cuddly, sweet, enchanting, bewitching, captivating, engaging, endearing, dear, darling, delightful, lovely, beautiful, attractive, gorgeous, winsome, winning, fetching.

I can accept captivating, attractive, gorgeous, and enchanting. Those descriptions are true of me. I can accept beautiful. I may even be fetching, though I do not know if fetching can apply to one who is male. I am not winsome or cuddly. I am sexually appealing. No woman, or man if I wish, could resist my seduction, but I am not cuddly. Cuddly. No. This English language and these people make my head spin. If I had more blood in my body I would be on the floor with the brain whirling sickness.

I opened the envelope marked Vampire King and reviewed the contents once again. I have reviewed these contents many times over the past two days. I think of what Kylee said to me.

Cosplay. First I thought it was a band of musicians but that would be Coldplay. I do not know what that means, but it is not the same thing as Cosplay. I heard them sing their songs when I turned on the radio in my car. It was not to, how do they say, to my taste.

Then I thought of Cosplay. I asked my lover Gillian who is as old as I am but has lived longer in this modern world in which I have found myself. It is when grown people dress up like imaginary people, but it is not a masquerade or the holiday they call Halloween. I do not understand why they do this. Why would a person dress as something they are not?

Then I looked at the contents of the envelope again.

Inside was a note, along with a handkerchief of old silk which was falling apart to the touch. The lace edges were as delicate as morning spider webs, or the hair of an infant. A once red stain turned brown was on the corner. The letter V was embroidered on the corner.  That was once mine, a little over three hundred years ago. It was taken from me in the year 1715.

In the envelope was also a lock of hair, honey gold, tied with a black silk ribbon. It was mine, taken from my head. Unlike men of warm blood, most Vampires refused to wear wigs. I only wore my own hair, long and curled around my shoulders and down my back. I had the blood of others but I would not have their hair. Maybe one might call that cute, but I do not think so.

The note was rude and unclear.

 

Vlad, Vampire King,
We know where you are. Beware. You shall not rule again.
from, The Unknown Forces

 

This letter is what the teenage girl Kylee and her teenage friends would call bull-crap. Kylee would have said, “what a douche.”

The Unknown Forces. Who are these bull-crap douches? How dare they take my dirty laundry and hair and send it to me in an envelope. How dare they send veiled threats to me.

I no longer have my castle or army, but I have cats, and I have access to the power of teenagers, and I am cute.

~ Vlad

 


 

Dear Diary,

Those who send the envelope will be found. Those who sent the envelope will be taken care of. Or perhaps I will make them wait. I will not react. I will not do what they expect. I will not be a prisoner of their veiled threats.

With the moonlight through the window Gillian runs her hand through my golden hair. I gently push her onto the pillows and kiss her lips, flushed red with fresh blood in her veins and my attentions.

I have no worries this night. Tonight I do not miss being Vampire King, for I am glad to have Gillian capture my heart and keep me prisoner of her love.

~ Vlad

 

Kissed by a Vampire

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