Vlad’s Vampire Diary: Jingle Bells

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Dear Diary,

Today the rain comes down like tears of an old out of touch Vampire.

Losing three hundred years due to being locked up in a crypt has made me so confused about so many things. I have lost three centuries. Three fast centuries.

I arrived home after a night out with a sick friend. Yes, my existence as a Vampire in the 21st Century is much different than that of the 17th Century. That was the last century of my old life. How times have changed (that is a new modern expression.)

Last night while at the bar where I find a many of my dinner companions I noticed my friend Cassie, the owner of the establishment did not seem well. Upon taking her hand I could tell she was not altogether herself.

“Let me take you home. Your helpers can close for you,” I said to her ever so gently. She could not say no. After all I am a Vampire. I heard someone say “Cassie is getting lucky tonight.” I had no idea why they would say that about a sick woman.

I helped her into bed, then made her sleep. I sank my fangs into her wrist and took her blood, then took the illness out out of her body. Then I slept on her couch. When I woke Cassie was feeling better. She smiled and called me sweet. She did not taste me, so I am not sure what she meant by sweet but I will assume it was a compliment.

I drove home with the taste of her blood still in my mouth and a slight headache.

Next door, standing on the front porch of her home was young Kylee.

“Why are you standing out in the cold?” I asked her as she shivered like a frightened puppy.

“I carpooled to school and accidentally left my keys in the house.

I did not know what she meant by car pool and did not ask. I can not imagine driving a car into the water on a day already wet with rain. Taking pity on the girl I invited her into my home.

There I offered her tea and peeled an orange from the tree in my yard.

“Thanks,” she said taking the tea and sitting on a chair.

“Did you have classes today at the university?” I asked her.

“Community college. Yes, I had a final today in Economics. I aced it too. Woo Hoo. I’ll transfer to a UC in the fall. I’m not sure where yet. I applied for a bunch of schools. Irvine is my first choice, but I’ll accept Berkeley or Santa Barbara.”

“UC?”

“University of California. Where did you go to college Vlad?”

“Nowhere. There were no universities where I came from.”

Kylee’s eyes opened wide. “Really? Were you in a war zone or something?”

“It was something like a war zone at times. Only those who wished to have religious training went away. Those in my community did not seek out religious training.” I did not tell her that we were Vampires and it was three hundred years ago.

“Later, when I was older,” I did not tell her how much older, “I did visit some universities, but not as a full time student such as yourself.”

“Where are you from, originally?”

“Some called it the Tenebrosus Mountains.”

She looked at her phone and in lightning fast speed put in the name of my homeland. “It says here it doesn’t exist as a country anymore. It looks beautiful. Did you ever see this castle?”

She held up her phone and showed me the ruins of my once beautiful home. She continued to give me more information that I wanted. “It says that the castle belonged to  a Vampire King named Vlad who had the face of an angel.” She looked up at me. “That could be you. You have the face, but I can’t see you as a Vampire.”

“What could you see me as?” I asked young Kylee.

“I don’t know. But not a Vampire.” Then she laughed a long drawn out laugh that came straight from her belly. Then for reasons I do not know I started to laugh. We could not stop.

Kylee was a wealth of information about everything. She told me why Frosty the Snowman and I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus were creepier than Baby it’s Cold Outside. Kylee thought it was weird that everyone sang Jingle Bells but nobody, absolutely nobody used a seligh with horses, and it never snowed where we live. She said so many Christmas songs were written in Hollywood but it never snowed their either. She told me the difference between Marxism and Socialism and Capitalism. She told me the difference between Emo music and Pop and Indie Rock. She said she was upset because of Global Warming and nasty old men who wanted to take away the right of young people with their religious dogma. She told me that French Roast coffee was just crappy beans that were burned to mask bad flavor. She said that her parents were weird but in a good way. She asked me if I was a feminist. I said yes, because I believe it has to do with women. I like women. Kylee said I was a good man.

It is not often a Vampire is called a good man to his face.

I had no idea what most of the things were that she spoke of but I enjoyed the joy of her youthfulness. Young Kylee will go far.

After Kaylee’s father came home, after she left, I pondered the thought of being a good man. I am a successful Vampire. Then I poured a goblet of blood and sat in front to the fire and pondered the idea of going to college. I do not know what I would major in.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

It is now December and there are tiny colored lights upon houses on my street. Each night like mushrooms more lights pop up.

I put up red and green lights all over the front of my house. While I was up upon the ladder, putting lights along the garage doors two women came by walking thier dogs. They smiled. I said hello. They greeted me back and said the lights looked good. As they walked away I could hear them giggle and say I was cute and had a nice ass. I did not put up a nativity scene so I do not know where they saw the ass. Nor did I know being upon a ladder was cute.

My mind suddenly went back to Yule season when I was young. The year was 1498. I was young then. Only 155, but old enough to be Vampire King and rule the people of the night and all the lands surrounding my castle and woods.

One day, on the first snow, as tradition called a young man was brought to me one night. He was an ordinary man of about 20 years, a gift from one of my loyal Vampire Knights. I bid my Knight leave us alone. My Knight was loyal but rather annoying.

The man looked around the room with the beautiful furnishings and polished wood floors. He glanced upon the large bed.

“I am not…I am here with my wife,” he said.

“Congratulations,” I said. “You are not here for the pleasures of the flesh. I am having you for dinner.” I smiled and stepped towards him. He looked into my face, a face with blue eyes, the beauty of a God, with a dimple to disarm any man or woman, surrounded by golden hair. “What is your name?” I asked quietly.

“David,” he said.

“David please sit,” I said. And he sat. I gave him no other choice. I looked into his eyes and made him sleep, the sleep of a trance of those who encounter Vampires. Then I sank my fangs into his neck and drank my fill. It was not enough to kill him, but enough to make him weak for a few hours. I searched his memories, then I gave him dreams of warm beaches and quiet waves on the sand. He had never seen such things. He would be confused by it later but that was not my problem.

I also saw in his mind that his wife was with child. At that time his wife was in another part of the castle with my wife. Yes, I had a wife. A wife I loved. I believed she loved me but I do not know if that was ever true. I do not know where she is now, if she is anywhere at all. I do not know if I am even still married to her. Our country, laws, and any records are no longer in existence so I will assume I am no longer married to the Vampire bitch. Even for a Vampire her heart was brittle and cold..

My wife was passionate, with a sharp mind, and a sharp temper. I loved everything about her, at least for the first hundred years or so. Sometimes I wonder where she is but I do not look for her. It is easy today to look on the Internet for a lost person, but not when looking for Vampires. We make sure we will not be found. Maybe she would be on the Dark Web. Maybe she is in Hell. One can only hope. What if I did find her? What would I do? The woman would no doubt rather come at me with a dagger and carve out my heart and eat it than say hello to me.

When David woke I sat with him and asked him of his life. David was an artist but he was tired of the old ways of painting. I told David that I would help him and his wife with child. What can I say? I am, what do they call it now, a softie, even then.

“Give me your wrist David,” I said. He slowly held out his arm. “I do not have all day,” I said taking his wrist with my hand. I sank my teeth into his wrist and drank his blood. I lifted my head, then caught a drop of blood on my finger, then put my finger in my mouth. David watched with wide eyes and no words.

“You know what I am David, do you not? I am a Vampire. I drink the blood of men to survive. I do not follow the rules of men or the rules of the universe that you know. I am the King of the people of the night. I have a proposition for you.”

David looked at me, his eyes growing large.

I continued, “My friend Randolpho’s good friend Raphael was planning on some large paintings, frescos, or something along those lines in the Vatican. Randolpho always had an affinity for religious places. Randolpho is always on the edge, always lurking around where he is not quite welcome. Always pretending to be something he is not. But are not all Vampires guilty of that?”

David and his woman Annalisa went to Italy and raised their children under the warm sun surrounded by fruit trees and love. He went to work for Raphael in the Vatican. Later David met another artist and called Michelangelo and posed for a statue of the Biblical David. The statue is in Florence. I understand it is quite famous.

I thought about Kylee. She is about the same age as David was. I believe Kylee lives a much more interesting life and will not be posing without her clothing on for all to see hundreds of years later.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

Tonight my love Gillian came to my house and we decorated a Christmas tree with red glass balls, and small white lights.

I told her that my neighbors saw an ass in the neighborhood, and asked if she saw it on her way over.

“An ass, like a burro?” She asked.

“No not a hole, an ass,” I told her.

“An ass hole,” she said. Then she started to laugh and could not stop. I have learned not to ask questions when this happens.

They are grazing animals with hooves like small horses. They do not live in holes. Gillian knows that. I do not understand her at times.

I placed a golden star upon the top of the tree as Gillian looked on. Then I kissed her cold lips and told her that I loved her.

As the red and green light twinkled outside I knew I would make sure she would never waste her time kissing Santa Claus, or anyone else.

~ Vlad

 

Kissed by a Vampire

Kissed by a Vampire

 

Click here for all of Vlad’s Vampire Diary Adventures

 

 

 

 

 

Silver Webs and Silken Bats

Silver Webs and Silken Bats

Oh right, I do have a husband. I write about kids, my brothers, other Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts, cats, short stories and all sorts of things. I don’t say much about my husband or marriage.

Today he is helping the Elders decorate for Christmas.

He found old netting of silver spider webs and long strings of red glass beads to add to the old fragile ornaments they put up every year.

Over the past few years they stopped decorating but Teddy (my husband) decided they needed a tree.

In the attic he found boxes of hand blown glass owls, small wooden elves from Germany, tiny little bats made of beaded black silk and a large hat box full of shining stars and crescent moons with smiling faces.

Just because you’re old doesn’t mean you need to stop celebrating.

“But who will see the tree?” The ancient Vampires looked confused.

“You will see it,” said Teddy. “I will see it. Your friends will stop by and see it. You need to pick up the phone and call your friends, both Vampires and humans. Call your old Werewolf friends too, I don’t care who you like. If they’re old let me know and I’ll give them a ride here and I’ll give them a ride home. I’ll make them egg nog. I’ll help you make it happen for everyone.”

Tellias and Eleora look young but they’re ancient. They’re older than Christmas, so sometimes they get confused or feel isolated. Sometimes they forget everything outside of their own house.

Teddy always hounds me to call my friends and people I know who might need a friend. We all know what it is like to spend a holiday alone or without cheer of others. Even a little tree or a wreath or a shining star on a string can make a difference. More than that a hug or a call.

Christmas time is about the promise of peace and hope and love. After 2019 years the human race still hasn’t gotten it right, but maybe one day. The smallest acts of kindness can move us closer in that direction.

Wishing you all a season of peace and fellowship.

And about that husband of mine…I’m glad I married him. I always will be.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

time for christmas

Red Dress, White Trim, A Dancing Ghost and the Quiet Musings of a Vampire Mom

Red Dress, White Trim, A Dancing Ghost and the Quiet Musings of a Vampire Mom

She was a shining light in the forest, not a ghost who haunts but a ghost who dances to her own music.

I watched from my window as Mary danced in the woods. She wore not clothing of the 15th century when she lived, but a red mini dress with white fur trim on the hem and bell shaped sleeves. A long Santa had was on her head with a fluffy white ball at the tip. Bells adorned the top of her white over-the-knee boots. Her red-brown hair was braided with gold ribbon. When you’re a ghost you can wear what you want, do what you want, dance and love when you want.

That is if you don’t let your own ghosts get in the way. That was Mary.

Had it been any other ghost she would have annoyed the crap out of me, but since it was Mary I was enchanted. She is like a little elf who haunts my kitchen as she sits in front hot cups of coffee taking in the aroma. We chat about romance and fashion. She is a delightful little spirit.

Sometimes she slips and shows her own bloody and mangled murdered form but today she dances with joy to a long lost Christmas song.

A coyote yipped close by, down in the brush and Mary vanished. Damn coyotes. The cats lifted their heads at the noise. My dog didn’t even acknowledge the existence of her coyote cousins. Had it been a Golden Retriever she would have been all over it’s ass, but she had no time for coyotes.

Just as most Vampires have no time for ghosts.

I stood in front of the window with a glass of red wine in my hand watching the rain. My husband Teddy came up behind me and kissed my neck.

“What color do you want to paint the living room?”

“I don’t know. It depends on what color flooring we get,” I said putting my arms around his neck and kissing him.

I know that has nothing to do with ghosts but it has everything to do with how things go around my house. Just little bits, like a fragment of a song or just a small bite of something good.

His face turned a little bit serious. “Clara said one of her fangs is bothering her.”

Not again I thought. Teens can get sloppy and are always hurting themselves. It isn’t anything anybody would notice, but it IS always something Mom (that means me) has to take care of.

“I’ll take care of it. Did you see the ghost darling?”

He missed her unfortunately. And so we started our evening discussing the news of the day, work, our kids, what color we want to paint the walls, what we’d wear to the next black tie party and other things married people talk about. What? Did you think we talk about spider webs, bats and blood all night? Hardly. We’re no Dracula and Elvira. Nobody we know is that.

Teddy asked me if I was going to tell anymore Christmas stories here. I think I will. I will also repost The Travelers (my favorite Christmas story) soon.

In the meantime, just imagine a tiny young transparent woman dancing in her red mini dress under the canopy of oak trees to the music of Tchaikovsky and Johnny Marks.

Have a lovely Winter,

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

On the first day of Christmas my Vampire gave to me…

It is now time for the annual Vampire Holiday Sing-A-Long!

 

On the first day of Christmas my Vampire gave to me

A Raven in a Dead Tree

__

On the second day of Christmas my Vampire gave to me

Two Vials of Blood

And A Raven in a Dead Tree

__

On the third day of Christmas my Vampire gave to me

Three Bat Skulls

Two Vials of Blood

And A Raven in a Dead Tree

__

On the fourth day of Christmas my Vampire gave to me

Four Howling Wolves

Three Bat Skulls

Two Vials of Blood

And a Raven in a Dead Tree

__

On the fifth day of Christmas my Vampire gave to me

Bram Stoker’s Heart

Four Howling Wolves

Three Bat Skulls

Two Vials of Blood

And a Raven in a Dead Tree

__

On the sixth day of Christmas my Vampire gave to me

Six Ghosts a Laughing

Bram Stoker’s Heart

Four Howling Wolves

Three Bat Skulls

Two Vials of Blood

And a Raven in a Dead Tree

__

On the Seventh Day of Christmas my Vampire gave to me

Seven Mermaids Swimming

Six Ghosts a Laughing

Bram Stoker’s Heart

Four Howling Wolves

Three Bat Skulls

Two Vials of Blood

And a Raven in a Dead Tree

__

On the Eighth Day of Christmas my Vampire gave to me

Eight Black Cats Hissing

Seven Mermaids Swimming

Six Ghosts a Laughing

Bram Stoker’s Heart

Four Howling Wolves

Three Bat Skulls

Two Vials of Blood

And a Raven in a Dead Tree

__

On the Ninth Day of Christmas my Vampire gave to me

Nine Vampires Dancing

Eight Black Cats Hissing

Seven Mermaids Swimming

Six Ghosts a Laughing

Bram Stoker’s Heart

Four Howling Wolves

Three Bat Skulls

Two Vials of Blood

And a Raven in a Dead Tree

__

On the Tenth Day of Christmas my Vampire gave to me

Ten Moonlit Nights

Nine Vampires Dancing

Eight Black Cats Hissing

Seven Mermaids Swimming

Six Ghosts a Laughing

Bram Stoker’s Heart

Four Howling Wolves

Three Bat Skulls

Two Vials of Blood

And a Raven in a Dead Tree

__

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas my Vampire gave to me

Eleven Necks to Bite

Ten Moonlit Nights

Nine Vampires Dancing

Eight Black Cats Hissing

Seven Mermaids Swimming

Six Ghosts a Laughing

Bram Stoker’s Heart

Four Howling Wolves

Three Bat Skulls

Two Vials of Blood

And a Raven in a Dead Tree

__

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my Vampire gave to me

Twelve Banshees Screaming

Ten Moonlit Nights

Nine Vampires Dancing

Eight Black Cats Hissing

Seven Mermaids Swimming

Six Ghosts a Laughing

Bram Stoker’s Heart

Four Howling Wolves

Three Bat Skulls

Two Vials of Blood

And a Raven in a Dead Tree

 

Merry Christmas Everyone!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

sing along vampire

Under the Christmas Moon

Running under the full moon,

Their red and green scarves and coats

Left in the grass,

Claws and Teeth

Along with fur

Long and silver

Like shining Christmas tinsel

In the moonlight.

 

While ghosts watch with uninterested expressions,

And Vampires toast to the holiday

Wishing you all

A Merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Yes Virginia – Santa is a Vampire

All Animals Love Santa

All Animals Love Santa

 

December is FINALLY here! Time for glorious trees, holiday cheer, jingle bells, stories of old, Santa Clause, AND VAMPIRES!

So you know what that means…

Winter is here with enough bite to freeze the slow beating heart of almost any Vampire.

My mom used to say to us “Don’t stop your heart or your blood will freeze.”

It is one of those things we have to think about, sometimes. I don’t recall ever telling my own children that, or any other “new” Vampires.

Funny how one thinks of those sayings.

The first bat of the night is a wish. The next is a kiss.

Bad blood is only in the soul.

Dance from dusk to dawn then sleep as if there is no sun.

As a mother (in the 1850’s and 60’s) with a rather large brood of young Vampires (four boys and one girl) my mom took advantage of the holidays in a big way. It was her time to celebrate and bring out the cheer. She was glad to get rid of the musty old gloom of the old days and embrace the Modern Vampire movement.

At the same time a young artist named Thomas Nast created the iconic image of the American Santa Clause. Old Saint Nick was pretty awesome, but Santa was one of our own.

Jolly Old Vampire

Jolly Old Vampire

Yes, Santa Clause is a Vampire – that is a fact:

  1. He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you are awake.
  2. He only comes out at night.
  3. Nobody ever sees him.
  4. He has been around for centuries.
  5. He can see in the dark.
  6. Red is his favorite color.
  7. He is jolly (hey, Vampires are jolly).
  8. He likes kids.
  9. He is an icon of popular culture.
  10. He knows who has been good and who has been bad.
  11. Despite his size he can get in and out of any building.
  12. He can make animals that normally live on the ground fly.
  13. Dogs and cats like him (all animals like Vampires because we understand them.)
  14. He makes people happy (don’t argue this point. Check my previous posts.)
  15. He rocks the red suit!

An interesting fact that all teens should know (and their parents): Thomas Nast was only 19 when he started to create illustrations for Harper’s Weekly. Let that sink in. He was only 19.  Let that inspire you.

Plus Thomas Nast rocked the facial hair.

Thomas Nast rocking the facial hair

Thomas Nast rocking the facial hair

So if you see that jolly old elf this Christmas season shake his hand and know that it isn’t the weather that is making that hand cold.

xoxoxo

Happy Holidays,

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman