I was my mail box and overheard two men walking by.
Guy 1: Look at all those chickens.
About a second passes.
Guy 2: Did I hear you say chickens?
Guy 1: Oh. I meant turkeys.
Guy 2: Thought so.
Laughing.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
Category Archives: humor
Burning Question #17: What Would a Werewolf Do?
Looking cute now guys but wait until midnight!
It is time for Burning Question #17.
PLEASE if you land on this page answer the question. It is just a quick no or yes. Oh come on, it will be fun.
Each week we ask and answer one of life’s BURNING QUESTIONS. I know you all have been waiting for this one.
I’ve written a lot about Werewolves. They’re out there, in our lives, running around under the full moon, keeping us up with their howling, and generally trying to stay out of trouble (believe it or not.)
But even Werewolves have a sense of humor. They can also be obnoxious.
Think about this: when they turn into wolves what happens to their clothing? And when they turn back, well, they’re not dressed.
Burning Question #17: Will a Werewolf moon you on a full moon night?
Lon Chaney looking hot in a suit! Let me know if you decide to drop your drawers.
Now if this ugly mug doesn’t creep you out… imagine him mooning you! Holy crap. That would make me turn and run.
I’ll see you next Saturday for another intellectually challenging Burning Question. Now let’s all sing along with Warren Zevon.
xoxox
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
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Midweek Summer Reading: Tropical Treats that will have you laughing out loud
Today I’m taking you to Florida for two of my favorite books. Both will take you on a wild ride with characters you’ll never forget.
Favorite is an understatement. I’ve read one of them four times and plan to read it again this summer. The other is a book I discovered in 2013 and might also add that to my reading list again.
Warning: These are both laugh out loud, pee your pants, spit out your coffee funny.
As a parent I knew all about the fun books for younger readers by Carl Hiaasen – Chomp, Holes, Hoot, and Scat. I had no idea he also wrote even more books for adults.
Bad Monkey
by Car Hiaasen
Andrew Yancy-late of the Miami Police and soon-to-be-late of the Monroe County sheriff’s office-has a human arm in his freezer. There’s a logical (Hiaasenian) explanation for that, but not for how and why it parted from its shadowy owner. Yancy thinks the boating-accident/shark-luncheon explanation is full of holes, and if he can prove murder, the sheriff might rescue him from his grisly Health Inspector gig (it’s not called the roach patrol for nothing).
But first-this being Hiaasen country-Yancy must negotiate an obstacle course of wildly unpredictable events with a crew of even more wildly unpredictable characters, including his just-ex lover, a hot-blooded fugitive from Kansas; the twitchy widow of the frozen arm; two avariciously optimistic real-estate speculators; the Bahamian voodoo witch known as the Dragon Queen, whose suitors are blinded unto death by her peculiar charms; Yancy’s new true love, a kinky coroner; and the eponymous bad monkey-who just may be one of Carl Hiaasen’s greatest characters.
Where is Joe Merchant
By Jimmy Buffett
I LOVE THIS BOOK SO MUCH.
Where is Joe Merchant? That’s what his sister, Trevor Kane, the hemorrhoid-ointment heiress, wants to know. For Desdemona, Merchant is the missing link in her ongoing communications with space aliens. Tabloid journalist Rudy Breno only cares that Merchant gets bigger headlines than Elvis. And for renegade seaplane pilot Frank Bama, the mystery of the presumed-dead-but-often-sighted rock star is turning his life upside down.
Now all you need to do for a perfect summer reading experience is to sit back on the deck with a Margarita, or an ice cold beer, and escape with Carl Hiaasen and Jimmy Buffett.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
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Burning Question #16: In Honor of the 2018 World Cup
Women’s Team USA wins GOLD 2015
American’s are protective of their sports. They’re sort of protective over Canadian sports too. But hey, what do I know.
This is the list of sports I watch live and in person:
- Artistic Roller Skating
- Baseball – Go Giants. OMG they have the most beautiful ball park in the world.
- Basketball – I’ve kind of given up on the Kings, but the draft pick just happened and you never know.
And what I’ll watch on TV:
- Ice Skating
- Ice Hockey – GO LAS VEGAS
- Baseball
- Olympics stuff, odds and ends like three minutes of the Scottish Games, Lumberjack Games, Naked and Afraid, Dog shows, Triple Crown Horse racing, etc.
I also like to listen to baseball on the radio. There is something so soothing about it.
BUT…
We’re (USA) just isn’t a soccer kind of place. Our Football is well…FOOTBALL. I don’t watch THAT either.
My brother Aaron’s kids played soccer when they were small. We went to all of the games. It was great fun. They graduated up to other sports when they got older.
I’ve played soccer. It is hecka fun to play. I’m good at it. I never had the opportunity to be on the team.
Is it ballet or is it soccer? This guy knows the real answer.
It isn’t as if I don’t like soccer. I just don’t have any feelings for it. I’ll glance at a baseball game, or even football in a bar but I won’t glance at soccer. OK if cats are playing I’ll glance at it.
I’ll watch anything with a cat.
And that brings us to the World Cup Game which is famous for wild fans, South African’s with weird horns, and all kinds of crazy shit. It is pandemonium unlike anything even Pablo Sandoval could ever imagine.
Which brings us to a question that many a suburban dad asks…
Burning Question #16: Is Soccer a Real Sport?
Yes, it is a sport! Ice cream and Jello shots for everyone.
Why soccer this week? The original Burning Question #16 was a scrape the bottom of the barrel silly post about Werewolves. That one might resurface as Burning Question #37. My darling husband said, “You can’t ask that.” Oh ye of little faith in my readers. So HE came up with this question about soccer. Blame it on Teddy. He’s a Vampire so you can blame a multitude of things on him. Please, feel free.
Excuse me but all of this silly talk about soccer is going to make my head explode. Cheap laughs woman. Just cheap laughs is all you care about. For God’s sake ask them about Werewolves.
I have to admit that the parks, once completely filled with children playing soccer, are now filling up with Lacrosse players. My kids roller skate and surf. I just walk around the park with the dog. But that said, soccer is pretty popular and there is always talk of a pro team coming to town. But would anyone go watch? Maybe. Maybe sort of not. Is it a sport? A real sport?
If you haven’t already, please click on your answer on the poll. Spout out your opinions in the comments below but don’t be too mean or snotty. If you have a suggestion for a burning question let me know. You know how to reach me (look on my about page if you don’t.)
Have fun. Play hard. Stay cool.
For more Burning Questions CLICK HERE.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
After Circe turned the men into swine they found themselves quite bored. To pass the time they invented soccer. But is it really a sport?
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Burning Question #13: Be Positive. Thank You.
Once again it is Saturday and time for the 13th of 50 Burning Questions. Answer YES or NO on the quick and easy poll below. Your answer is secret and will not be sold.
I have always adored Oscar Wilde.
“The optimist sees the donut, the pessimist sees the hole.” ~ Oscar Wilde
This (below) is my cat Oscar who was named after Oscar Wilde. Stay with me here a bit… We had a gray kitten, but I didn’t want to name him Dorian Gray, so I called him Oscar. That was eight years ago. He is wild, especially when we’re trying to sleep. And like Oscar Wilde, my Oscar is a talker.
This is Oscar. I love this cat so much.
But we’re not here to talk about cats, Oscar Wilde, or donuts, or the fact that some people spell it “doughnuts.” Why the fur-ball would anyone spell it doughnuts?
But Oscar Wilde, and my cat have a point there. You want to see the donut. I mean, don’t YOU?
What we’re talking about is blood, because as you all know this IS a Vampire blog. And don’t you forget it. OK you can forget it if you’re afraid of Vampires.
We’re also talking about ill tempered Vampires, and others who insist on being negative all of the time and are all doom and gloom and oozing with negativity. Who needs that?
This is also a PARENTING blog so just be forewarned if you’re afraid of parents, or children.
I know you’re all getting tired of me, and I’ve completely confused you (on purpose mind you) so here you go… Burning Question #13… drum roll please.
Burning Question #13: Is a pessimist’s blood type B-negative?
Always go for the jelly filled ones.
All negativity aside… I mean, how can you get negative when donuts are involved? Thank you so much for dropping by. I’ll see you next Saturday, or hopefully before then. B-positive!
xoxo
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
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Burning Question #10: Humorous Byproducts
This week I want you to make sure your thinking caps are secure. It is time for Burning Question #10.
We’re going to be conscious about the seriousness of this question today. We’re also going to try to stay awake, which is another type of consciousness. We’re going to try to keep our humor about ourselves. And we’re going to all get along or something weird with Vampires might happen and you don’t want THAT.
Excuse me, um yes, we’re going to be philosophical today. On a personal note, true story, I used to date a guy who knew everything about Kant. On a parenting note tell your kids not to date philosophy majors. But I Kant* talk about that now…
Burning Question #10: Is a sense of humor a byproduct of consciousness or something else entirely?
And then there are cats but they aren’t part of this question. That is another question entirely. Dogs are included in that as well. But are cats and dogs even conscious of their own existence? Do they have a sense of humor? The answer is YES and YES on both, at least for cats. OK for dogs too. Cats are just such assholes that they don’t give a shit what anybody thinks but they’ll eat your byproducts (so will dogs.)
This has been the 10th of 50 Burning Questions. Only 40 more Burning Questions to go. See you next Saturday for #11.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
*Kant didn’t say any of this and is no doubt now rolling over in his grave right now, or he might be laughing. You never know. His name just makes for a great pun.
