Category Archives: Relationships

Pandemic Superhero Zoom – or – Put it OVER Your Nose and Mouth

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Unknown

“Oh my gosh, Betty, I haven’t seen you in like forever. Not since we went wine tasting. What was that a month after my wedding?”

He looked at the first square to pop up on his Zoom meeting.

“That was it. Six cases of wine and now thanks to the pandemic we’re down to one. Jimmy, you look great. How are you?”

“Good all things considering. Robin is doing better than I expected. He’s changing careers.” A few more boxes popped up.

Mera, Betty, Mary Jane, Vicki, Iris. It was a good showing. They all greeted each other. Only Vicki and Lois were wearing makeup. Everyone looked pretty casual. Betty and Mera were wearing glasses instead of their usual colored contacts.

Jimmy: Vicki, it’s been forever since we’ve seen you? So you’re staying with Bruce I hear.”

Vicki: He asked me. HE asked me if I’d ride out the pandemic with him at his place. I thought it would be fun. That was in March. Four months later I’m ready to head home.”

Betty: Oh honey, I’m surprised he never asked you to marry him. That man needs a wife.”

Vicki: I might as well be his wife. I have to take care of everything for him. And don’t even get me started on Albert. He should have retired years ago. The poor old guy can hardly get his pants on by himself. I’m up all hours of the night. I keep a baby monitor by the bed in case he falls.

Jimmy: Oh man, I’m sorry to hear that. Robin didn’t say anything to me about it.

Vicki: Bruce is driving me crazy. He always has that fucking light on, you know the one with the wings. I tell him to turn it off, so he turns it off, then as soon as I as I go to do something else he has it on again. He isn’t the one who pays the electricity bill. Those big lights cost a fortune to light up the night sky with. Then everyone down below is wondering what the hell is going on. I tell him that but he won’t listen. He just sits up there on the roof all by himself muttering under his breath like some crazy guy hearing voices or something. And don’t even get me started on the mask thing. I keep telling him that it needs to completely cover his nose AND mouth. But does he do it?

All of the women nodded and muttered in agreement.

Lois: I know what you mean. When he’s just Clark and going down to Lowe’s for something or to the grocery story he wears a mask. When he has to go out flying he refuses. That asshole told me that he won’t catch Covid-19. I told him fine, but he could sure as hell carry it and give it to someone else.

Iris: Tell me about it. My man might be faster than anything known to man but when it comes to getting ideas through his thick skull he is slow as three toed sloth.

Mary Jane: My heart goes out to you ladies. Peter never had problems with masks. He love them. He decorated a bunch with spider web designs.

Lois: Peter is so adorable. You’re lucky to have such a sweetie.

Vicki: She is. Oh my God I am so fed up with the brooding. If the sex wasn’t so great…

Jimmy: Let’s keep it clean ladies. TMI.

Vicki: Sorry. I didn’t mean to vent.

Mera: You’re in a safe space Vicki. We’re here for you.

Vicki: Enough about me. How are you doing?

Mera: OK I guess. I miss everyone. We’re staying in the old light house. Here I’ll show you the view. It is spectacular.

Mera picked up her computer and turned the screen towards the ocean. The others could see dolphins dancing and gray whaled leaping into the air.

Lois: Wow Mera, I want to come stay with you.

Mera: Are you working from home?

Lois: Sure am but Clark thinks I’m some old fashioned house wife. The other day he told me all of his tights had holes in them. He expected me to fix them, or else order him some new ones. I told him the only place I could get tights these days in his size was the cross dresser drag queen sites. He got all pissed off at me. I told him to stop being a homophobic turd. I mean, he isn’t homophobic, you know that Jimmy, but sometimes he is so old fashioned it just drives me nuts.

Jimmy: So did you get him some tights?

Lois: Hell no. I told him to REI and get something practical to wear. He can still fly and be Superman without the silly costume. He can wear some climbing gear or bike shorts.

Betty: I think staying at home away from everything has been good for my Bruce. I don’t have the issue with tights, but he sure goes through pants fast when he Hulks up. He hasn’t lost his tempter or stressed out once in the past three months. I can’t even put into words how wonderful that is.

Jimmy: Well, I have news. Robin is changing careers.

All of the women perked up and asked in unison what was going on.

Jimmy: He got into a graduate program at University of California Davis. He’ll be studying ornithology, you know the study of birds. He’ll be Dr. Robin Grayson when he is done.

The ladies all sent their congratulations. For the next hour they talked in their tiny boxes about staying at home with their unique men. Occasionally a dog, a cat, or a child, an elderly relative would wander in and say hello.

When it was all done Jimmy Olson turned off his laptop and when into the kitchen where his husband Robin was fixing dinner.

Jimmy: Did I tell you how much I love you.

Robin: Every day. I love you to. It’s good to feel appreciated.

  1. Stay home
  2. Wear you mask over your nose and mouth
  3. Don’t think you can’t get this thing
  4. Wash your hands
  5. Appreciate those you’re stuck at home with. We’re all doing the best we can.
  6. Most of all don’t forget the real Superheroes during this pandemic.

 

Superheroes

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

Zombie Days

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It is one thing to lose your keys but when body parts start to vanish life just sucks. That is what Melissa was thinking at the moment. Being a Zombie sucked big time.

When she was 14 she’d read The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant. Covenant had Leprosy. It was awful. His world was turned upside down and he more or less lost everything. In a weird twist he was transported into a fantasy world where he was whole, at least in body. It wasn’t an easy series to read and it wasn’t happy. It was just weird to Melissa then because she wasn’t a fantasy fan. Now she was a zombie, and not a fan of that either.

It would be nice to blink and be in a fantasy world. Better yet be back in her normal world with her normal job and her normal boyfriend. Unfortunately she was in some sort of fantasy nightmare that was real life. It didn’t make sense. She looked down and then picked a finger nail up off the ground. Crap, even professional nail glue wouldn’t keep them on.

Michael wasn’t her boyfriend back before the Zombie days. He was just a guy who was a friend she’d work with occasionally. Her real boyfriend was… she had to pause to think hard. Memories were fading. She thought of old film archives of disintegrating film. It was like that. Nate. The boyfriend was Nate. He was tall and funny and perfect. He was a brain surgeon. The irony didn’t escape Melissa on that one. Her stomach grumbled. Brains.

Nobody ever expects to go on a simple business trip and at the end of the day becoming a zombie. It was just a simple stop to see what had been caught under that car. They thought it was a tumbleweed. It was Zombies.

Men in Black, Area Z (top-secret Zombie internment camp), an escape, help from some unlikely friends and now they were in a remote cabin in the woods. They could wait it out. They were already dead. The dead can wait forever.

Given the choice she would have chosen to become a Vampire. Even a Werewolf would have been better. She liked dogs. She liked running in the woods. Even a Ghost would be good if you had to be dead. Anything was better than being a Zombie.

Sitting at an old roll top desk, Melissa penned a letter to a friend. She might decide to send it or maybe not. As she wrote her skin made skid marks on the paper in a pinkish gray line. If she squinted she could pretend it was fairy dust. At least she could still hold a pen and write in something that resembled her once beautiful handwriting.

She wrote of Michael, her companion and now Zombie lover.

“I know he is the one. I know it in my heart of hearts that no longer beats. I know it every time he moans and shuffles towards me. I know it when he tries to look presentable and human. He does it just for me. He makes me laugh so I won’t cry. He stuffs the fingers of my gloves where I no longer have my own fingers. He tells me I’m still beautiful.”

A sticky tear of something green trickled down her face. Maybe she’d pick some wild flowers and cheer up their space. She looked out the window at the sound of a truck. She could see two men inside, sitting in the front seat with crisp clean uniforms. They were from the Forest Service. She smiled. Finally lunch had arrived.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

This post was first published here in June 2014.  For the beginning of the Michael and Melissa story read A Lunch Date With Zombies.

 

Rix forest

Ask Juliette: Disgusting Creepers, Twilight, and Fun Movies

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Welcome to “Ask Juliette” aka “Ask a Vampire” a not so regular semi-regular feature here at vampiremaman.com. I answer all sorts of questions about life, love, Vampires, parenting, pets, possums, paranormal, wine, cheese, art, and anything else YOU need answers for or help with.

If you have a question leave it in the comment section below or send me an email message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail.com.

So here we go.

 

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The Rude Party Guest

Dear Juliette,

A few months ago while attending a dinner party at a friend’s home I sat next to a man I’d met at previous parties. I’ll call him Mr. D We talked for a while about parenting, social issues, and food. It was nothing but nice polite talk. Later that evening Mr. D told me we had a connection and that he knew we’d been lovers in another life. I smiled politely and went to find my husband. Sure the guy might have been charmed by me, but he was also full of shit. I’m a married woman in my late 50’s. I love my husband, who by the way is sexy and still hot, not that it makes a difference. I wasn’t looking for attention.

My husband had to leave early and Mr. D watched as I kissed my man goodbye. While in the kitchen talking to friends Mr. D came into the room and started rubbing my back. When I stepped away he would step closer again and touch me again. Juliette, this guy is adored by everyone in my friend’s friend group. I wasn’t going to turn around and yell “knock it off.” I was just shocked.

Later when everyone was leaving he  hugged me, kissed me, and grabbed my ass. I was shocked, again. I felt so violated. I made sure he didn’t walk me to my car. When I got home I told my husband about it. He said I should let it go unless it happens again.

I told my grown children and their spouses. They were all shocked. There reaction was shock. It said a lot about how younger generations take this kind of information. I was going to tell my friend who hosted the party but then social distancing started. She works for a hospital on the front line so I didn’t want to bother her. When things get back to normal, as in more parties, do I tell her? If this man ever touches me again I will tell him loudly and clearly that it is NOT acceptable. My husband said he’d also tell the guy it is unacceptable. But, should I tell my friend?

Oh yuck. I am so sorry you have to deal with such a pig. Yes, you should tell your friend. Be calm. Just state the facts. If this man ever touches you again please immediately tell him to stop. Don’t worry about who might hear you. This is unacceptable behavior. Nobody has the right to touch you without your permission, no matter how old you are. It sounds like you have a plan. Stick with it.  

 

crowletter

And speaking of disgusting creepers…

Dear Juliette,

I know you are into Vampires, so why do you dislike Twilight so much?

Into Vampires? Yes, you could say that.

So why don’t I like Twilight. Let me count the ways.

First of all the story is fucking stupid and creepy in a gross way.

Second, and the most important reason is that Twilight is a story of an older man taking advantage of an underaged girl. Edward was born in 1901. Bella was born in 1987. Do the math. I don’t care if the guy is a Vampire or looks like he is seventeen. He is a creeper hanging out at a high school and taking advantage of girls. 

Any Vampire who has ANY self-respect would NEVER do something like that. NEVER. 

The Third reason is that Vampires and Werewolves having rumbles in the forest like they’re right out of West Side Story is fucking stupid. 

The Forth reason is obvious. Vampires don’t sparkle.

The Fifth reason, and last I’ll mention today, is the fact that Bella’s father didn’t do shit about his daughter hanging out with Vampires. Give me a break. Any dad who cared would have kicked Edward’s sorry skinny Vampire ass. 

Yes, the Twilight series got a lot of kids to read, but I just wish they’d read something that had better relationship and general life advice. No seventeen year old girl needs to feel like running away with an older man is EVER and answer. It is always the WRONG answer.

 

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Dear Juliette,

What are the best movies you’ve watched during quarantine?

Thank you for asking. I’ve been fortunate so have seen some wonderful films over the past few month. Below is the short list. These are my favorites. 1-4 are movies I’d see again and maybe again.

  1. Searching
  2. The Half of It
  3. Blow the Man Down
  4. Good Boys
  5. Peanut Butter Falcon

Thanks for asking. All are fun and unexpected. The first four are exceptional. Searching will keep you on the edge of your seat, especially if you’re a parent. It kind of ties in with some of the questions asked today.

 

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Stalker in the Making

Dear Juliette,

I went out with a guy I knew in high school. We are in our 20’s now. It wasn’t a romantic date, just catching up – so I thought. Now he leaving me long phone messages, zillions of texts, and telling me that he loves me. I wouldn’t answer him so he texted me and told me he tested positive for Covid-19. Now what?

BLOCK HIM from EVERYTHING. Block him from your phone and ALL social media. Take this seriously. BLOCK HIM. Tell your friends to block him. Tell your friends not to give him ANY information about you. His story about the Covid-19 sounds like a lie because he is mad at you for not calling him back, but don’t take any chances and GET TESTED. 

In the meantime just see people within your bubble until things start to get back to normal. Don’t take any chances. 

 

crowletter

Thanks for dropping by. If you have a question about parenting, relationships, vampires, food, books, movies, cats, or anything else leave a comment below or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com.

To view the Ask Juliette archive CLICK here.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

Questions Answered, Advice Dished Out, Just Ask Juliette

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crowletter

Need Advice? Click here for forty five (45) posts with answers to most of your questions about parenting, relationships, love, Vampires, life, and anything you every wondered about.

https://vampiremaman.com/ask-juliette-advice-for-everything/

Welcome to “Ask Juliette” aka “Ask a Vampire” a not so regular semi-regular feature here at vampiremaman.com.

I answer all sorts of questions about life, love, Vampires, parenting, pets, possums, paranormal, wine, cheese, art, and anything else YOU need answers for or help with.

If you have a question leave it in the comment section below or send me an email message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail.com.

I will be starting up “Ask Juliette” again as a regular Saturday feature. So send me a question, a problem to be solved, or just something gripping, funny, or odd you want to discuss.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Vampire mom

 

Maxed Out #4: Vampire House Warming

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Today I’m hosting a marathon featuring my brother Max. As you’ll see today, if you don’t already know, he has all kinds of interesting adventures with women, demons, and just about everything else.

I have made an attempt to put the Maxed Out posts in the order in which they first appeared. I’m re-running this today from 2013. A lot has changed since then – especially with Max and Andy. I’ll catch you up later or you can look for it yourself.   

Vampire House Warming

We all have those turning points in our life. Some we choose and some we don’t. Some we’re nudged in the right or more often wrong direction.

And there are those times when we try to read between the lines too much about the lives of others. It is usually far more complicated or else far less complicated than we think it is.

My brother Andrew (second of 5 siblings) recently moved back to California after several years in London and other parts of the globe and purchased a home in San Francisco. I hear he paid a million and a half for the place in St. Francis Woods, but he could afford it. I hold my breath to think what my brother Max’s home or my parent’s homes with views of the San Francisco Bay and the Golden Gate Bridge would go for. Anyway…this isn’t about real estate.

It is about a lovely housewarming party my brother Andrew hosted. The place was packed with both Vampires and Regular Humans. There were of course musicians (Andy is a singer) and dancers. There were artists and college professors and writers and high tech geeks and all sorts of interesting people with every profession and opinion imaginable. What made this remarkable, as parties and gatherings go, was that Andy’s Regular Human friends know about Vampire. They’re friends with us and don’t have a problem with it.

OK there was one exception. Andy invited his “girlfriend.” Shawna had come up from Southern California where she is a university professor. She is not a Vampire. She is still in that state of wonder and a little bit of disbelief about Vampires and our world (which isn’t all that different than hers, usually.)

Andy is head over heels in love with this divorced mother of two college kids. The story is that she came home from a research trip to find her husband had put her things in storage and moved a new trophy wife into their home. Their youngest child had just gone off to college so it was his opportunity to also make a change. Shocked, she found a small house on a quiet tree lined street and made a new life with her cats and dogs (she wouldn’t leave them behind.)

Shawna was strong and smart and I had no idea what she was doing with my scatter-brained brother. But it was ok. They were cute together and, well, you know all that sort of early romance cute stuff.

I looked out the window to the backyard to see my brother Max kissing his “friend.” This was more than just a friend. I’d heard rumors but this was proof that there was something more than he’d admit to. Funny that she backed out of his arms and went inside alone leaving him to pace a bit then follow her back inside.

In the kitchen I found Shawna. She was cutting up limes.

“I told Andy to have this catered.” I said this trying to be friendly. I could sense a tiny bit of discomfort behind her warm friendly fang-less smile.

“It’s ok, this will just take a second.” She cut into a lime then her hand slipped, of course, in a house full of Vampires, and cut a deep gash in her thumb.

I grabbed her hand and put it in my mouth to stop the bleeding and sealed the wound. I could have left it but it would have required stitches, not to mention drawn a lot of unwanted attention.

I let go and she pulled away with a little bit of horror and disbelief.

“It’s OK Shawna. I sealed the cut. It will heal now without stitches. You’re A positive.” I smiled. “Don’t worry.  I’m not going to drink your blood or bite you or anything. Just basic first aid. We don’t want anyone else smelling blood.”

I suddenly realized that Andy had never bitten her or exposed her to his natural Vampire ways. He was such a gentleman.  He was also a dick when it came to women. He was always falling for anything that wasn’t a Vampire and when it was a Vampire it was usually always someone who was totally wrong for him. He always had to have everything in life more complicated than it had to be.

“Isn’t this sweet,” I heard a smooth male voice say behind me. I turned to see James, one of Andy’s best friends. James who had always watched out for Andrew but who was also one of the most absolutely annoying Vampires in the known universe.

“You know, Juliette and her brother Valentine are two of the best when it comes to Human to Vampire conversions. Almost a 100% success rate, mot to mention a great follow up and support system.”

“Shut up James,” I snapped. Poor Shawna looked horrified. Why was it that everything James said sounded vulgar? Oh right, I know, because he is a flipping pig.

Shawna looked horrified. I was about say something else nasty to James when a very angry Vampire (showing her fangs no less) suddenly slammed him into the wall. “You’re making me sick James. Get out of here before I rip your throat out.”

He held up his hands and backed off. With a smile he said, “Later ladies, I’ll leave you to your tea party.”

Max’s friend Mehitabel  (the one he kissed in the backyard) stood there in a sleek black dress and some great sky high patent leather Mary Janes. She washed her hands saying something under her breath about getting the stink left by James off of them.

Mehitabel was the pretty woman who could either stand out in a crowd, or more likely not be noticed by anyone. That worked well in her professional life. She could stand unnoticed and watch and wait. As for her personal life, I have no idea. I don’t know her that well. I really don’t

I found her entertaining and funny. Sure she was a little distant as well, an odd combination.

Earlier I’d asked her what she was doing for Memorial Day. She was going to spend it with close friends. They always spent holidays together.  Why did I assume she wouldn’t have anyplace to go? Gossip and rumors can build into false biographies that paint a harsh sad picture of someone who is anything but harsh or sad.

She didn’t ask questions about my brother Max, the object of her affections – not like most women do.  She wasn’t talking to anyone about Max. She’d come to the party because they had mutual friends – nothing more. She was staying at Max’s house but no details of fluttery “wink wink” was forthcoming.

She had known Max for a long long time.  Over the years they’d been in and out of dangerous situations together, even saved each other’s lives. They were considered Vampire elite, thought she didn’t act like it.

So, anyway, I’m standing in the kitchen with two women who for better or worse were involved with two of my brothers. At this point I doubted if anyone was going to come in and rescue me.

“Don’t bother with James,” I said to Shawna.  “I think he was snorting too much dragon dust or something.”

“More likely out feeding on meth heads and heroine junkies,” said Mehitabel in disgust. The she softened her look and approached Shawna.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.  We’re not like that. Andy isn’t like that. He is one of the most gentle souls I’ve ever met, Regular Human or Vampire, and he adores you. He’d never ever let anyone harm you. The same goes for Juliette and me, and everyone here. Even James, even thought he is an asshole.”

I knew there were those would harm Shawna, but then again, I suppose nobody could have hurt her more than her ex-husband, the one who traded her in for a younger model.

After a few minutes and a few cocktails, we forgot about the party and my brothers. We talked of other things, things we all could relate to. We talked about movies and books and shoes and our work.

I suppose there is no point or moral to this story. No usual twist. It is always just odd and I’m glad my kids were in another part of the house, I’m sure being exposed to all sorts of other weirdness.

Just random thoughts about last weekend…

But all in all, I like both of these women my brothers have brought around. Now if my brothers could just behave… And if they don’t behave, I might still just keep these two around.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

(this post first published here 11/13)

_____________________________

and before i could argue him

out of his philosophy

he went and immolated himself

on a patent cigar lighter

i do not agree with him

myself i would rather have

half the happiness and twice

the longevity

 

but at the same time i wish

there was something i wanted

as badly as he wanted to fry himself”

― Don Marquis, archy and mehitabel

____________________________________

More on Shawna and Andy (click here.)

More on Max and Mehitabel (click here.)

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Maxed Out #2: Perfection

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Today I’m hosting a marathon featuring my brother Max. As you’ll see today, if you don’t already know, he has all kinds of interesting adventures with women, demons, and just about everything else.

This is a story about my brother Max, first posted in 2013. A lot has happened between now and then. But more than that it is a story about trust, and frustration, and friendship, expectations, relationships, and love. Sort of. Nothing much is ever clean cut or easy.

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Perfection

Maxwell drove down the coastal highway, roof open under the stars and the cool night air, thinking about his life as a top of the heap alpha male Vampire. It was a good time to ponder.

He didn’t have personal friendships with humans, the way some other Vampires did. He would protect them when necessary but he wouldn’t be their friend – at least not a close friend, not for a long time.

Of course he had human lovers, but that was pure physical need for their touch and their blood.

Vampire woman were another matter. He tended to be a freak magnet when it came to them. The normal ones were out there but they were always involved or off-limits in some way or another.  Or they were too strong and independent. Or in rare moments, years ago, he’d used bad judgement and not seen the big picture. Screw the big picture, he’d grown up and moved on. He was different now.

There were always other men, but right now he had the need for a female of his own kind. Someone safe and easy. Someone who would be there for him after a job that often involved violence and other unpleasantries.

He’d had plenty of friends with benefits.

Camel by the Sea. The beautiful village on the California coast. A place full of artists and rich people and those just wanting some peace and quiet. His Grandmama had lived here when the artist colony was thriving at the turn of the 20th century. He used to visit her and fall in love with the place and everyone in it.

This weekend was the Concourse de Elegance the most prestigious car show in the universe. Everyone who was anyone would be here, including Vampire Hunters. And since Max was the world’s foremost hunter of Vampire Hunters he was looking forward to it. A weekend of perfect cars, perfect women and perfect hunting.

It had been a long day and a long drive. He took his bags out of the car and walked to the door of the cottage he’d rented with 3 of his colleagues. He wasn’t sure who’d be here as it was last notice for him. He’d hoped it would be Pierce and David, two of the best and total car guys. He figured as long as they were there they might as well have some fun.

He used his key and as he opened the door cheers came up. Female cheers.

Elizabeth, Janye and Mehitabel. Vampire women who were also Hunter/Enforcers of the highest order and all GIRLS.

This was not what he was expecting. Not at all.

They exchanged warm greetings (he didn’t show his true feelings about the situation) and he left to shower off the weariness of the road. As he was drying off he could hear the girls talking. He stopped rubbing his hair to listen.

Janye: I can’t believe the choices Max makes. His last girlfriend was one of those types who always looks perfect and helpless. A total control freak.

Elizabeth: Total bitch. She just used him and he was too stupid to know it. Oh my God she had fangs like a saber tooth tiger, no it was more like a rabbit. And she was always telling everyone how attractive she was. I wish she’d done us all a favor and gone down with the Titanic.

Mehitabel: She used him. Most of them just used him. He wouldn’t know his perfect match if she slapped him across the face.

The women went on talking about his physical attributes (excellent), his professional attributes (excellent), his qualities as a Vampire (outstanding) and his relationships with woman (pathetic.) Great, this was going to be a wonderful weekend.

He’d known all three of them for years, over 100 but he’d never heard this side of the story. Damn. Was he that ridiculous? No, it had to be them. Women were so skewed.

He’d always been friends with Elizabeth and Jayne. It wasn’t like the movies or books where Vampire women drop their clothes and crawl naked all over their dominant male counterparts. Besides, these two were like sisters.

Then there was Mehitabel. Beautiful and strange, at least to him. He couldn’t stay away from her at one time, but he couldn’t be with her, not in his heart. She was too easy for him to use. He’d never love her, but he’d never met a woman so sexy, who could drive him so insane with desire. But she wasn’t the one. He made that clear from the start. It would never be.

The women helped him bring in the weapons and they sat around the table with bottles of wine, Bourbon and blood. They laughed over old times, new times and everything in between.

Despite his first impression he knew these three Vampire women were at the top of their game and would be loyal and true with him. And in turn he would do anything to protect them. They’d be a good team. They’d get the job done.

Beside that, he knew they’d like the cars.

They were excited to show him their dresses. Elizabeth, the most outgoing, a California blonde of the first order, had a red-flowered strapless sundress of silk with a wide skirt and strappy red heels. Jayne had a royal blue halter dress that looked like it had come right out of Grace Kelly’s closet. A redhead with an attitude, Jayne had a fierce sence of humor and a fierce sence of the fight. Mehitabel had a black sheath dress with a pattern of leaves woven into the fabric. It was form fitting, which was good since she had an extraordinary form. She’d wear it with a long strand of real black pears and matching earrings. She’d wear her brown hair sleek and long.

Mehitabel was as odd and unusual as her name, but he had always liked her. He was drawn to her humor and her matter of fact ways with a touch of something sad that he could never quite figure out.

He’d also had a history with Mehitabel. She knew his every move. And in turn he knew every move she made, every inch of her body, everything she had to give him and then some.  But she wasn’t the one. She wasn’t the girl of his dreams. She was different. Max wasn’t looking for different. He was looking for perfection. But that was a long time ago, at least 90 years, maybe more like 100.

As the night went on he thought maybe he’d relive some of the magic of days gone by. It would be a way to get off some of the tension before a week of dangerous work.

“I’m going to go to the beach. Anyone want to join me?” He asked that as he looked at the women.

“Sure,” said Mehitabel, “I’ll go.”

They walked along making small talk. It seems so comfortable and so right. Old friends forever, just like old time. As they came to the beach on the edge of the Pacific Ocean Mehitabel became silent.

“You’re quiet tonight,” Max said, ready to make a move on her. One kiss and she’d be his for the week. The others wouldn’t care, unless it was pure envy.

Mehitabel stepped away. “It was never friends with benefits or fuck buddies or whatever you want to call it with me Max. I loved you but you never wanted it. You just threw it away and treated me like some common girl that needed to be slut shamed. I loved you for so long and now I don’t know. I’m not perfect enough for you. You want a woman who will break your heart into a thousand shards and I can’t do that for you. If you had spent some time with me, some real-time and looked past the imperfections…”

“I never said that…” Max protested.

“You didn’t have to. You used me Max. You used me so I had to let you go. Don’t you understand?” Mehitabel was now angry, something he’d never seen.

He tried to take her hand, “The last time we saw each other, I mean romantically, you were the one who turned me away. You told me to go.”

She stepped away again. “To go back to your girlfriend. I wasn’t going to be with a man who was cheating on another girl, especially another Vampire. I told you that. Remember?”

Max remembered too well. She’d always been so friendly and compliment about his relationship rules.

Mehitabel continued her rant. “And there had been no romance. Sure we’d talked into the night. Sure we had some sort of weird connection where we could read each other’s thoughts, excuse me, I could read your thoughts, or at least I know when you’re thinking about ME, but it was never romance. Not with you it wasn’t. You did everything you could to talk yourself out of caring about me.”

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot,” Max said gently, trying to calm her.

“I know that.”

She was right. She always knew. There was some sort of strong connection where she always knew when he was thinking about her. It was spooky.

“Why didn’t you contact me?” Max was almost feeling hurt that she’d think of ignoring him after all of their history.

“Why didn’t you love me Max?”

“It wasn’t like that Mehitabel. I was just looking for something else.”

“What? Oh right, perfection. Well Max, I might be among the most elite hunters on the planet but I’ll never be anything but an imperfect slut to you.  I’m never going to let you break my heart again. Do you understand that Max?”

“I’m sorry.”

“So am I.”

She walked down the beach alone. He wondered if she was crying. He’d find out later.

Over the years he’d taken down Werewolves, Vampire Hunters with fire blowers, Ghosts, Rogue Vampires and Zombies. He’d seen it all. He was Maxwell August Todd, one of the greatest Enforcer/Hunters of all time, but this was one battle he couldn’t win.

“Mehitabel, I’m sorry,” he called after her.

Then he remembered something his mother had told him, one of those things that he wished he’d remembered earlier. “Max, my darling boy, remember, if we were all perfect then life would be so boring you’d hardly be able to stand it.”

Looking down the beach at the woman walking along the edge of the night surf, he suddenly realized he was in love and this would be the most difficult fight of his life.

He called her name again. She turned and yelled “Go to Hell.”

“Yes,” he said to himself out loud, “to hell and back.”

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