You don’t have to love what everyone else loves.

Everyone loves…

Name a movie. Name a book. Name a singer or band. Name a musical.

There are so many on that list of first named things people love that I absolutely loathe. They are things that make me cringe.

Oh yes, I have read, seen, tasted, and heard them all.

My skin crawls and I get a strong physical reaction of disgust when I hear the names of these things uttered.

I see postings on social media (especially Facebook.) I hear talk at parties. Friends assume I love these things as much as they do.

But my dark Vampire heart makes sure I show nothing on my pleasant Vampire face.

Seriously, this should be one of my Burning Questions – Do you love _______? And one of the answers should be What the Hell is wrong with you?

Then I take a deep breath, fall into Mom Mode and think about what I’ve always told my children.

We are all different. There is no accounting for taste. We all have different backgrounds. Some people are just stupid. There are times when you just need to smile politely and keep your opinion to yourself. Move on. Change the subject. Tell them you have other plans. Bow out gracefully. Just say it isn’t your thing and leave it at that. 

This has nothing to do with politics, or morality, or values. It isn’t a case of ignorance (which is usually the case in people who profess hatred for certain types of art, etc.) It has nothing to do with the hateful practice of bigotry.

It has everything to do with bad taste.  It is just the fact that we’re all different and there is something for everyone. Just like there is someone for everyone (or I like to believe.)

I’m leaving food out of this because that is too complex. As a Vampire my diet is restricted so I know how it is not to want to eat everything, especially when one risks being quite ill.

Oh how I would love to publish my list. Read my past posts and you’ll find a lot of stuff listed. You’ll find a lot not.

So least I offend you all, I will do as I tell my kids and keep it to myself.

OK, forget what I said.. It is driving me crazy not to scream it out. And that is what blogs are for – screaming shit out.

My famous partial bulleted short list of popular things that make me want to vomit I can’t stand:

  • Grease (the musical)
  • Never Ending Story (the movie. I fucking hate this movie)
  • Eat, Pray, Love (the book)
  • Twilight Series (the books and movie)
  • Little Women (the book and ALL of the movies)
  • Steel Magnolias (the movie. Sorry to break your heart)
  • Forest Gump (the movie)
  • Bridges of Madison County (the book and the movie)
  • Most breathy female singers especially those popular in the 1990’s.

I asked my husband for some other suggestions but everything he mentioned was on this list already. Like I said, there is someone for everyone.

If you don’t agree with me that is fine. I still love you. I’ll be back for the rest of the week with lovely posts guaranteed not to offend anyone. Then again I’m a Vampire, therefore a liar by nature.

But keep your shit list on your own turf. It’s just easier that way.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman



Vampire Diary: Music To My Ears

Dear Diary,

I continue to be startled, even I, the King of Vampires, with this world in which I have come to be.

I was at a drinking establishment where mostly young people go. Many of the men wear beards, but out of style, not from some religious beliefs. Not all have beards. I do not have a beard. Women there are open and friendly with men. They have beautiful necks that show when they tilt their heads back and laugh.

I was there, drinking Bourbon, scanning the room for possible dinner companions. It is never a problem. I am handsome and I am a Vampire. How do they say, “no problem.”

As I looked over the room my ears caught a conversation.  I, being a Vampire, can hear most conversations, even across a crowded pub.

A woman said, “My mom took me to see deaf leopard when I was a kid. It was great. We had so much fun.”

Then I heard her male companion say something about “the drummer lost his arm.”

“He killed it,” said the woman.

“Absolutely,” said the man.

I have never heard of such a thing in this Modern society in which we live. There must be a secret society where wild animals tear apart musicians. Then the one armed man killed the beast or that is what I assume. What mother brings her child to such things? On the other hand when I was a young child in Transylvania my Baba brought me to see a band of Werewolves disguised as priests burned at the stake. She told me to cover my ears to the howls and look at the sparks that danced high in the night sky like fairies. My Baba could always make everything into a gentle learning experience.

There were always those who would have their hounds rip apart bears, but I would have none of that. My hounds only ripped up men, and usually not musicians. At least not most musicians, though I did hear songs that were so bad that violence would be caused. The names were odd,  McArthur Park  and Thong Song. Playing those songs in public might their cause singers to be burned alive by anyone who could hear them.

No I am not making jests, or kidding as they say now. I overheard one man saying that a band called Jr. Jr. was THAT BAD. It made his ears hurt. His wife almost had an anxiety attack at a live performance waiting for another band to play. In these times music is taken seriously to the point where it is both physical and a religious experience. Often it takes place of the traditional religion. Being a Vampire I have no use for traditional human spiritual experiences unless it can bring a warm beating heart my way. But I digress from the conversations I was overhearing.

People spoke of work and relationships. Mostly of relationships, and violence, such of musicians getting arms ripped off by large African cats who cannot hear.

As I left I heard several women saying they thought I was cute. One said, “super cute.” With violence and food on my mind I tried not to take heed, but the term also used for babies and puppies confuses me.

~ Vlad


Dear Diary,

I am amused to be called a Millennial. I am the ultimate Millennial spanning eight centuries. My drivers license says I am thirty-two. I’ve been told I look younger. I smile at such observations.

Women have told me I am cute when I smile. I ask why and they smile. One said it was a dimple. My cuteness is a trap which brings me blood. I am learning to accept that which I do not understand.

~ Vlad


Dear Diary,

At the mail boxes this evening I asked my neighbor if she has taken her children to see animal spectacles. She told me that she brings her children to the zoo to see the animals. Then she started to talk about endangered species and zoo breeding programs. I asked her if the animals eat people. She said only stupid people. Upon observing the fact that I was serious she told me that the animals in the zoo are not there to eat humans.

She said, these exact words, “What the hell do people do where you come from?”

I told her, “I overheard people in a bar speaking of an African cat tearing an arm off of a man during a show. Mothers would bring their children to see this.”

She said, “That is sick, just like dog fights. Those people need to be locked up forever. They should be eaten by their own dogs.”

Now I am the one who is shocked. People in this place confuse me. They are shocked by violence yet they with to instigate it for their own ideas of justice.As we talked my cats joined us and rubbed their bodies against our legs. She picked up the small black cat and kissed his ears.

I asked her. “You would really feed those who make dogs fight to the dogs?”

“If I was in charge you bet I would,” she said. Then she kissed the cat again.

I like this woman. If I was still Vampire King I’d make her one of my advisors.

~ Vlad


Dear Diary,

It was easy being a Vampire when humans lived simple and uncomplicated lives. Life was hard centuries ago. One worked. One feared God. One had children. One died. Only a few had the luxury of thinking of anything more interesting. There was none of what is called leisure time, or career choices.

When I was small I assumed only Vampires and those of the church could read. I asked my father about it. He laughed and said most humans were nothing more than animals, like cattle. They followed the leader to slaughter as they basked ignorantly in the happy sunshine on a beautiful autumn day. Considering he was their leader I was no surprised by what he said. I did not like him but I found truth in his words.

I was at a bar again tonight. People mingled. My lover Gillian was to meet me later. I spoke with the bartender, a man named Jeremy, and scoped out the crowd. A young woman sat next to me. She smiled and brushed her hair out of her eyes in a way as to invite my interest in her. She told me her name was Brooke.

Then she announced that she was a vegan, and added with an intense starring into my eyes, that she was also an atheist.

I acknowledged her with a question. “Why was this the first thing you said to me?”

“This is who I am. It is my morality. I don’t believe in the enslavement of animals or the slavery of an unprovable belief system that is set up to control the masses.”

I would have rather discussed movies but I let her speak of the evils of the eating of flesh. Then I asked, her what she thought of Vampires.

She shook her head and rolled her eyes in her head. “Vampires and other such paranormal beings are an extension of the mythology of religion. They were created to make us fear what we do not understand. For example the sexual nature of Vampires was created to make us fear our own sexuality.”

I looked into her eyes and gently put two fingers on her hand. “What if I was a Vampire?”

She frowned. “You’re insanely cute but that is a stupid pick up line.”

I continued. “If I was a Vampire I would drink your blood.”

“That’s gross,” she said with a raspy squeal of disgust.

“Ahhh, but you are wrong Brooke. I’d first taste your mouth, and your breasts, and take you to my bed and taste all of you, before I would even touch your neck or a drop of blood. I would make you see the God you claim not to believe in. You would cry his name out loud. Then I would sink my teeth into your neck, and as I feasted upon you, I would give you visions of exquisite pleasure that you would never forget. You would be mine, body and soul. Your blood would be mine. Your desires would be mine. I would have you. All of you. And Brooke, you would beg for more.”

I could tell she was under my spell as she swayed in her seat. Her breath grew short.

She gasped and grabbed my arm so she wouldn’t fall off of her chair. “Now what?”

I kissed her, long and deep. “Dear Brooke, sit next to that young man over there, the one with the glasses. Order burgers. Eat bacon. Wear leather and wool. Don’t talk about religion. Take him home with you tonight. Be sinful.”

Maybe she will have faith and maybe this night see God with this young man. Maybe not. My mind had gone to other thoughts. I thought about demons I have seen both human and otherwise. I need something more than gathering food to occupy my time.

Gillian slid on the seat next to me. “Have you eaten yet?”

I smiled and kissed her. “No, just thinking about what I want,” I told her.

Later as I lay in bed with my arms around Gillian’s cool body, I thought about how smooth her skin was, and how flushed she looked with fresh blood in her veins. That was heaven, even for a Vampire. No I was not created to be feared. I was created to inspire. Now I laugh at my own thought, then turn to kiss my love again.

~ Vlad


Kissed by a Vampire















What I’m taking about with my teens: badly behaved people, teenage boys, music, dogs, and other odds and ends… and Vampires

I live in a world populated a lot of teenagers, including my own. As those of you who frequent my blog know is that we all talk a lot. My mantra is “talk to your kids.”

This week we’ve been talking a lot, about a lot of different things…

The band All Time Low has come out with a new song called Something’s Gotta Give and will have a new album out soon. Cute. We watched the video on You tube. There were both French fries and Zombies in it. Click on the song title above for the YouTube link.

Why do people complain rather than make their things/society/country/home/school better? Let me know when you find out the answer to that one, and then actually convince people to change things for the better and I’ll give you a million dollars and a box of possums.

Why are there still internet trolls and bullies? Keep your eyes open kids.

Fleas. This was a rude shock to all of us when the horrible little creatures invaded our home last week. OK I’ll admit that back in the old days fleas and other nasty vermin were everywhere, but it still grosses me out. We defleaed the pets, the carpets, the beds, the yard… and everywhere else around our house. Our poor dog has chewed herself raw in just a matter of days. She chews up her backside so fast we can’t catch her until she is a disgusting mess.

Our 11-year-old dog is getting noticeably different (not just the fleas). She isn’t listening. She doesn’t hear things. She doesn’t want to do anything most of the time. She has figured it all out. I’ve noticed that sled type dogs like her like to do their own thing anyway. I’ve had them over the years. I love them, they’re the best, but boy can they be stubborn.

Cats are afraid of popcorn makers. What does that mean? Don’t hold the cat up to the popcorn maker when popcorn is popping. End of story. There is nothing more to say. No, I don’t want to see you do it again.

Teenage girls universally hate it when boys wear basketball shorts all the time. Boys wonder why girls don’t pay any attention to them. Boys call boys who wear nice clothes fags. OK guys, wouldn’t you rather be called a fag and get the attention of ALL the girls then wear basketball shorts 24/7. Save the shorts for PE and when you’re at home. Boys don’t call gay boys who wear nice clothes fags. They leave them alone because most of them are smart and popular.

Someone sent a message to Clara’s friend asking him if he was gay.

By this time next year gay marriage will be legal everywhere in the USA. I know it will. I live in Northern California so being gay or straight shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t. So why do boys still call each other fags? Most kids don’t care. Plus it makes you sound stupid. That said… don’t wear basketball shorts every single day.

I also got to hear all about thongs. Not flip-flops but the butt floss type of panties so many girls wear. Um, girls, don’t do it. Even the firmest most athletic butt looks sort of iffy in leggings. If you show a whale tale the boys at your school will NEVER forget. Boys are like that. They’ve always been like that. Even before there were thongs they were like that. Believe me – boys are like that. Thongs are not a good idea. Plus other girls in the PE locker room don’t want to see it.

And speaking of thongs… turn the Thong Song OFF when your mother is driving or in the car or within 20 miles of any radio or electronic device playing that song. It is what is WRONG and encourages stupidity and bad taste in ALL THINGS. And NO it isn’t funny to fight with your mom over the radio buttons and laugh out loud just to annoy her. End of story. If you want a list of songs that annoy your mother I’d be happy to make you one. Old songs are included along with new ones. My annoyance levels go back for years.

Cheese is good.

The dog will now only eat cat food and Gravy Train. Everyone thinks we’re cruel and bad dog owners – BUT our dog won’t eat expensive dog food. She will only eat treats if you throw them in the air first so she can catch them. My husband discovered if you drop dog food all over the floor,  like you accidentally dropped people food, the dog will sneak into the kitchen and eat it. When she does eat food she takes a mouth full, brings it over to the white carpet and drops it before eating it. No amount of yelling or praise will make her eat over the tile. The same goes for the cats when they want to barf. Thank God we’re getting rid of the white carpet soon. Unfortunately we’re keeping the pets.

We can change our minds. I heard an interview on NPR this morning of the group The Decembrists. I always thought they were, well let’s just say they were not my cup of tea. But this morning I listened to their new music and the interview. It was charming. I might even become a fan. Maybe not a big fan, but hey it was fun. Click here for the story.

Also if you like 3 songs a band plays it does not mean you have to like everything they do. The same goes for books/authors and just about everything else. By the way there are exclusions to that rule and the guys who wrote the Thong Song is included. Those are bands and songs I will NEVER like. The Thong Song is on the same list as that Jimmy Webb and Richard Harris for bringing us that horrible song McArthur Park which likens love to leaving a cake out in the rain. That has got to be one of the worst songs ever written outside of anything by Justin Bieber and Melanie Safka.   Also on the list is Dr. Hook for writing Sylvia’s Mother. I was always glad with the knowledge that Sylvia’s mother kicked Dennis Locorriere’s (the singer) whiney ass half way across the state of Illinois. I hate whiney boy songs. Oh please spare me your over sensitive wounded boy shit and grow the fuck up. And to make matters worse Shel Silverstein was the one who wrote the lyrics to Sylvia’s mother. I kid you not. It had to be a joke.

After forcing themselves uninvited onto my phone U2 is off of my list forever. I don’t care if Bono believes he is more interesting than the Dos Equis man – I’m done with you Bono. Get off my phone.

The one thing about music that I want to burn into the minds of my children is to make what they like their own. They should listen to what they want and refine their own tastes. My play list is so gosh awful but at the same time weirdly wonderful and extremely private. I’d almost rather sleep with a good looking stranger rather than show him my playlist (no of course I’m not going to tell that to my children.)

But what I mean by all of that is that one should not listen to music because a boyfriend or girlfriend likes it, or that someone else says it is good. Listen to it because YOU love it.

My brother Max just looked over my shoulder and said, “Christ Juliette, you’re not publishing that are you?”

I glanced up at my eldest brother who is now sporting a short beard. “I haven’t seen you in a beard since the 80’s. 1980’s and 1880’s. It looks good. Just keep it short. Don’t try to do the urban lumberjack look.”

He gave me sort of a snarl and a smile and went back into the other room with my husband Teddy (who is also Max’s best friend.)

Max was recently up in Northern Nevada taking care of some sort of horrible nasty clutch of God-knows-what sort of creatures. They could be humans or Vampires or I don’t know what, I just know that when Max doesn’t want to talk about his work we don’t talk about it.

He’ll go back to San Francisco tomorrow then in a few weeks go down south to visit my son Garrett who is in college. It will be fun. Garrett and I talk almost everyday and text everyday but I still miss him so. At the same time I’m excited for him, off on his own for the first time. No, I’m not one of those helicopter parents. We talk, I don’t hover or get into his business.

He tells me about people he has met – mostly other students and teachers.

A few days ago he asked me again if there would ever come a time when we could tell the world who and what we really are. I told him no, again. People, human people are for the most part reasonable. In some cultures we can be accepting of anyone. Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be the normal mode of operation. Anything different is bad. And if you’re extremely different or successful or threatening to others they find you scary. Or worse they use you as a scapegoat for all of their problems. Humans have a great capacity for love, creativity and innovation –  but they also have a great capacity for stupidity and ignorance and hate.

I can hear Teddy and Max laughing. It is always good to hear them laugh. Clara has come down to join them after reading an essay to me she is writing for her English class. I didn’t write this in one swoop – I have people come in and out with questions, comments and to tell me jokes. My cat jumped on the table next to my computer and is grooming himself. I hear a frog croaking (sounds like creaking) under my front porch.

So we’re talking and laughing about everything, all things, most things, and even good things. That is what we do. I hope that is what everyone does. I’d like to think that.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman