The Bachelor – Another Viewpoint with Options

In the wee hours of this morning I was scanning my Twitter feed (no you haven’t landed on the White House Web Site) and kept seeing stuff about The Bachelor. You know, the TV show where about 25 women wear tight clothing and fight over the same man. I doubt if they have knock down drag out physical fights (but it would be fun if they did) but I’m sure they get plenty catty.

I’d usually ignore something like this because I don’t watch the show but I noticed something weird. All of the guys look the same. Seriously they look like a set of fraternal quads – kind of like armadillo pups.

In fact I saw #cookiecutterguys on one of the threads. These guys are so white-bread boring that it is a wonder any girl would want to take the time to dig and claw her way to the top to get his rose.

Look at these guys. If you scroll the page down and just see their smiles the first three could almost be the same guy. If you just see the tops of their heads you’ll know they ARE the same guy.

Unlike MTV’s Are You The One, with 22 contestants who all pair up with their perfect match, making eleven couples, The Bachelor is so one sided.

But imagine if we redid The Bachelor and added some interest to the mix. Let’s make the guy interesting and special so the women will REALLY have something to WANT.

So dear readers… Who would YOU pick for the next Bachelor if you had a choice?

Adam Driver. He was HOT in Star Wars. Sure Han and Leia were shitty parents, but there was something about Adam Driver that makes him able to transform himself from a goofy looking average guy into a bundle of dark evil male hotness.

 

Darcy. Ladies, need I say more?

 

John Steinbeck. Ladies, need I say more?

 

This guy. OK, I have no idea who he is. I looked up “Average Guy” on Google and this is what came up. If he is average then I’m not sure what universe we’re in right now. Then again, my husband Teddy is in that realm of a 27 on a 1-10 scale, so I’m used to it.

 

Animal lover, confident in his masculinity. I bet he does a great Chicken Dance.

 

Secure with all the self-confidence any woman could ever dream of. Bring it on baby. He has that Russell Brand thing sort of going on doesn’t he?

 

How about the Hipsters? A guy with a well groomed beard, great hair (same style as my son) and a scarf. Who needs the quads when you could have this guy. I bet he also makes great toast and French Pressed coffee (yeah, I’m sure he knows how to do all kinds of great French things.)

 

Dare I say that the Quads are painfully white? So I’d like to introduce you to this guy. And I like how he is dressed. I’m sure undressed is just as nice. He put the STEAM in Steampunk.

 

And what about Goth Guys? He is the one who will heat up any cold dead Vampire girl on a dark winter night. Ladies, go for the style and mystery. You know he’ll never be boring.

 

He might look like a Silicone Valley Geek but he makes a Million and a half a year plus benefits. AND he can fix your computer and maybe even more. And he is sort of cute – you have to admit.

 

Blondes. There were no Blondes in the armadillo group. Blonde guys rock.

 

Dead guys. Wait, this guy isn’t dead. This guy is Keith Richards. Nuff said. Ladies, feast your eyes before he turns into old Keith. Hell, even old Keith is great – just listen to him play on the new Rolling Stones Album. HOT HOT HOT

 

Peter Cushing. Oh come on ladies, you have to admit it.

 

 

My name is Gorn and I always agree with Juliette.

 

Even my cat Oscar would be more interesting and he’d like ALL of the women on the show.

 

FINALLY maybe they could pick a Vampire – because everybody loves to get a red rose from a Vampire. And a Vampire will ALWAYS treat you as if you’re the only one.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

So you want to know how someone gets turned into a Vampire…

My readers frequently ask me how one gets turned into a Vampire. If it was that easy we’d all be Vampires. But it isn’t easy. And the answer is always no. Always no. Always. And if we were all Vampires we’d starve to death.

By the way, the most common search terms that lead people to this blog are about converting into a Vampire.

Converting anyone into anything, be it a paranormal being (I hate that term but people understand the jest of it), or a religion, or a political party or whatever is sometimes a bit unsavory. The only conversion I ever want to think of is my conversion oven.

So, how about those Vampires?

I was born into this. My husband was converted against his will. My friend Cody was converted in order to save his life. My sister-in-law Verity wanted it and asked for it, as did so many of my friends.

No, I don’t have anything to say about that. It is what it is.

Only about 10% of people who go through a Vampire conversion survive in tact, that is with their soul. By that I mean they are still there. They aren’t just a body that feeds on blood and feels more or less nothing. A husk. A shell. About 5% end up as soulless husks. You don’t want to take that chance. The rest are gone. Dead. Really dead. Eight feet under dead.

Within the Vampire population we have many different cultures. Alright, maybe half a dozen, but that is a lot for our small population. Due to the fact that we are around for such a long time the cultures vary depending on who wants to stay stagnant in a past century (more or less.) Yes, that sounds like some regular humans who want to stay stuck in the past (hooray for the Black Death, bigotry, and intolerance.)

Like many we (Vampires) are private. I believe a lot things that are flapped out in public like so many ugly garish flags should be private. Even some of the beautiful things should be kept private.

With a culture that cares what some asshole with 19 kids is doing, or how big Kim’s ass is, or anything about Miley’s tits or tongue are doing… I just wish they’d all go away or just shut the fuck up. What I’m trying to say is that we need more privacy and mystery – in our personal lives. With everything out in the open everything just explodes into misinformation about how things should be – especially when it comes to our young people.

Conspiracy theories and hoax mongers multiply and thrive. Truth and reason play a close second. Attention whores get media coverage in the name of religion and politics. They are dangerous. They are evil. They will undermine civilization faster than any Zombie attack.

Vampires are not the evil ones. Do not question my soul. I might take blood, but I will never drain you dry or replace your blood with poison.

But back to conversion. No. If you have to ask it isn’t going to happen – at least not to you.

 

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman