AGT with Vampires and Drinks and Amazing Things (Eclipse Edition)

Every summer since 2012 I’ve been blogging about the TV talent show America’s Got Talent (or AGT.) It started out as a cheap trick to get people to read my blog. It is still a cheap trick to get people to read my blog – especially since I add in booze.

I was up in Oregon earlier this week to see the TOTAL ECLIPSE so I did not see the show live, or at least not on the night it was aired. I didn’t get to vote. I didn’t even drink.

However, when I returned home yesterday I watched it with my husband Teddy and college student daughter Clara.

Here are our thoughts and the results.

Tyra Banks was wearing some sort of weird jumpsuit in a loud black and white print. She is a beautiful woman but this just made her look like a circus freak. But hey, whatever floats your boat or whatever.

Here are the acts:

Boy Dancers.

I don’t remember their name. We stopped watching the dancers and noticed how weird Mel B’s hair color was. It was a dusty gray, like dryer lint. Not a good look.

Celine Tam (singing child)

She is darling but her parents are exploiting her. She is so polished. Every single hand movement, facial expression, comment is studied and planned. She did sound like a child this week but the 90’s songs are getting old. Her parents take her to a lot of other big talent shows like this in other countries. She is their cash cow. That makes me sad because she is precious and super talented. I know we are jaded but I bet she has no friends, no sleep overs, no public school, no other activities. I hope I’m wrong. Teddy said she is really 47.

Scary Twins (Mirror Image)

Remember when you were in school and there were those annoying kids who were always “ON” 24/7. They were talented and wanted EVERYONE to know it. Well here they are as an act called Mirror Image. They are two boys who dance and sing in a way that only Donnie and Marie fans on Meth would appreciate. During their act we discussed how Simon’s shirts never fit him. He is a nice looking guy and rich. There is no reason for him to dress in ill fitting clothes. Heidi looked lovely.

Clara said with twins there is always a dominant twin. She said “I would like to think that I would have been the dominant twin.” Ain’t that the truth.

Johnny Manuel

Sweet kid. Good looking. But here are the notes from the peanut gallery…

He is awful. Why’d he pick this song? He is doing it slow cause he can’t sing. Doesn’t sound like he is singing that song. He’s not. No this isn’t even… he’s just doing the same notes over and over and over. The judges will love him.

And they did love him. The sweet kid made it through. I hope he can find a better song next time.

Dancing Robot Kid Merreck Hannah

Comments from the peanut gallery: He looks like that weird creep kid everybody has in class. You just want to tell him to sit down and shut up.

Nobody here was inspired.

The Masquerades

Three old guys who sing like angels. They sang together in the 60’s. They had a record deal at one time. They came back. They were darling.

Light Balance

Just another group of guys dressed up with lights. Ho hum. This kind of act has been overdone. Thank goodness nobody is doing one of those awful shadow acts this year.

Evie Claire

I love this young lady (age 13). She had tragedy in her life, but she brings joy and hope through her voice. She won’t win but she gets my vote. She is lovely.

Danger Guy – Escape Artist

Clara likes him. I don’t remember his name and it isn’t in my notes. I’m not a fan. His girlfriend sits on the sidelines and cries. It is all so fake.

Magic Guy Eric Jones

I like him well enough. He did illusions with cards and glass. Yep, stuff went right through glass. You can’t help but like this guy. His illusions are fun. But he is slow. We lost interest right away. Teddy mentioned if he could pull cards out of Howie’s ass that would be great, but then Clara reminded her dad that someone had already done that a few years ago.

Dogs – The Pompeyo Family

We love dog acts. This time it was cute. The dog danced to Katy Perry singing Roar. The dogs were dressed up like African animals. It was kind of a mess. Cute but a mess.

Mandy Harvey

This beautiful talented young woman could be our winner. Mandy Harvey was a talented young singer and song writer when at the age 18 she lost her hearing. Her father encouraged her to get back into her music. Now in her mid 20’s she is amazing. She still sings, writes her own music, and plays her own instruments. And she is GOOD. She is beautiful – her face, her voice, her personality. This is not a sympathy call because she is deaf. She is THAT GOOD. It was powerful.

So who won and is going on to the next show?

Mandy Harvey

Light Balance (we are tired of light shows and didn’t even watch them)

Johnny Manuel

Celiene Tam

Robot Boy

Evie Claire

Eric Jones

 

Now for the Cocktails.

We didn’t have any. I had some Rogue River Beer in the fridge but we skipped it tonight. We’ll have it tonight. I’ll let you know how it was.

So until next time… have fun.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

AGT and Cocktails – The 2017 Voting Starts (and Vampires)

(Peviously recorded – the winners of this round are listed after all act descriptions.)

In the summer of 2017 I started posting about AGT, sharing the comments of the peanut gallery of friends and family, and telling you what cocktails Teddy was making for the night.

Last night was the first night of votes for the 2017 season. Tonight we’ll find out what the first batch of talented folks going in for the finals will be.

So here is a run down of who performed, and what was said. This gets pretty brutal. Vampires are not an easy crowd.

Christian Guardino 

This kid is only 17 and I gotta admit has a huge voice. Last night my family was not part of his fan base. The peanut gallery gave the following comments:

He’s not that good.

Like Catsup and Ice Cream, but the judges will rave about him.

The judges did rave about him but I don’t think he is that great.

Yes, the judges ate him up.

Our vote: NO

Artion and Page (Dancers)

This eight and ten year old pair is so full of energy and sooooo cute. I have no idea why I like them. I usually don’t like kid dancers. Maybe that was after years of a certain dance school exploiting and sexualizing their hoochie dancing baby salsa stars. Ugh. BUT this isn’t the case this year. These kids are absolutely genuine and precious. They are just funny. Their facial expressions are hilarious and joyful and real. And these kids can move – but they move like kids. They just fun. Puppy and kitten cute. By the way, they danced to Footloose.

Our vote: Yes (except Teddy who doesn’t like any of the dancers)

In the Stairwell

This group is made up of a group of fine young men who attend the United States Air Force Academy. They are all great singers, good looking, and just darned cute (suck it up Vlad, you’re not the only one.) I love them. One Tuesday they sang the Fun song “Some Nights. Even Simon stood up to cheery. They are fine indeed.

Our Vote: YES YES YES

Singing Trump

This is a guy who is in his 50’s, obviously a professional performer, and entertaining. Unfortunately he was off on Tuesday, with a bad choice of songs. He did “Shut Up and Dance,” which was weird and confusing done by “Trump.” Then he switched to M.C. Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This.” A sad fail indeed. Yes, the man will never get my vote.

Comments from the peanut gallery: He’s not fat enough to be trump. Whoever he is the man is a professional. Tremendous, greatly, and very very bad tonight.

Our Vote: No

Angelica Hale

A nine year old girl with big pipes. We like her. She is cute with a mature sounding voice. She can really sing.

Our Vote: Yes

Bello Nock

This guy is a classic circus clown in the old time Barnum and Bailey tradition. He does dare devil stuff. He is good at what he does. He makes it look fun. Alas, he didn’t grab any of us enough to get our vote.

Our Vote: No

Just Jerk

When I saw the name I thought of Jamaican cooking. No such luck.

This is yet another group of teenage boys (with a couple of token girls) who dance as good as an average high school drill team. Ho hum. Boring music. Boring Dancing. I don’t know why they were even chosen in the first place. This is where the formula aspect of the show comes in – they need people in every group (singers, dancers, teens, adults, kids, dare devils, etc.)

Our Vote: NO

Puddles Pity Party

This guy is a talented mature singer dressed like a sad turn of the 20th century clown. 

Comments from the peanut gallery:

Fast forward. NOW.

Simon should come out and beat him to death.

This is bull shit.

The song is horrible enough and even worse when he sings it.

Simon gave him an X.

Our Vote: No

Preacher Lawson

Comedian

We love this guy. OMG he is funny. He is a shooting star. Love love love! Look him up on YouTube. Preacher Lawson.

Our Vote: YES

 

Yoli Mayor

No good comments from the peanut gallery EXCEPT that she looked great and had a wonderful dress on that was super flattering. It was a bad song to start with and she can’t even sing it. I don’t know why the judges (Simon) are so intrigued by her. She is a lovely young woman, but not the million dollar act.

Our Vote: No

 

Trashy Roller Skaters

We’re a skating family. My daughter is a US National Roller Sports Champion. We DO NOT like this act. This brother and sister pair CAN skate. They have expensive boots and plates. They know what they are doing, BUT they are so trashy. She dresses slutty. He usually has his shirt off. They were spinning around and his head is right in his sister’s whoo haw.

Comments from the peanut gallery: All they do is spend. People are doing this in Vegas (naked.) All they do is spin. All they do is spin. All they do is spin. This would be a good 90 second opening for another act. If she wasn’t hot it wouldn’t work.

Our Vote: No

 

Darcy Lynne

This young ventriloquist could win it all. I can’t even describe how good she is (so here is a video.)

She is amazing. She sings better than 99% of the singers. She keeps in character with her characters. She has amazing stage presence. She’s a winner.

Our Vote: YES YES YES YES YES YES

And the acts that went through to the finals are:

In the Stairwell

Darcy Lynne

Angelica Hale

Preacher Lawson

Trashy Roller Skaters

And two acts saved with some Dunkin Donuts weird vote thing were:

Yoli Mayor

Christian Guardino

 

While we’re all watching this silly show my husband Teddy is making cocktails.

Forget the fruit and the fluff.

We’re going for the hard stuff.

 

That’s No Bull Shot

  • 2 ounces vodka
  • 2 oz blood
  • 1/4 fresh squeezed lemon juice
  • 1/2-cup of cold beef concentrate
  • 2-6 dashes of Tabasco or other hot sauce to taste
  • A dash of ground pepper
  • A dash of cayenne pepper
  • A dash of kosher salt

Instructions:

Shake all ingredients in a shaker with liberal amounts of ice. Garnish with a slice of lemon.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

vm_eve

 

Bloody Bovine

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 4 oz of V8 or Trader Joe’s Vegetable Cocktail Juice
  • 4 oz chilled beef concentrate
  • 4 oz blood
  • 1 tsp of peeled and finely grated fresh horseradish (If you don’t have fresh use the kind in the jar. Don’t use the cream horse radish sauce because it will be disgusting.)
  • A pinch celery salt
  • 2 dashes of Worcestershire sauce
  • 3 dashes of Tabasco Sauce or more to taste
  • A liberal sprinkle of ground pepper
  • 1/4 oz fresh lemon juice (just squeeze in a few wedges)
  • And a big green olive or two. Try a blue cheese stuffed one.

Instructions:

Combine everything over ice in a big glass (or two if you want to share). Stir. Ganish with a long piece of fresh red bell pepper.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

Now Let’s Talk BACON

vm bacon cocktail

It’s all about the bacon. And the news is good.

You can now have your bacon and drink it too.

 

How to make Bacon Washed Booze.

 

You can add bacon flavor to vodka, whiskey or broubon. And it is easy. AND best of all you’ll get to eat the bacon.

This is fantastic in a Bloody Ceasar or Bloody Mary.

 

Bacon Washed Booze

Ingredients:

  • 1 pound good quality bacon
  • 26 ounces vodka, whiskey or bourbon (some people like to use rum too. I say go for it.)
  • 2 quart Mason jars
  • Fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth and funnel
  1. Fry up your bacon on low heat until nicely crisp but not charred. You don’t want to burn it. Pour fat from the pan into a heat-safe bowl (like a Pyrex bowl).
  2. Remove bacon strips and put them on a plate that’s covered with a paper towel. Let stand for five minutes.
  3. Pour alcohol of your choice into a large mason jar.
  4. When the bacon has cooled slightly, add strips into the Mason jar with the alcohol. Pour bacon fat into the jar as well. Let jar stand at room temperature for four hours and stir mixture every hour. Remove the bacon strips (but not the fat)
  5. Put the jar into the freezer overnight. The fat will solidify and rise to the top, scrape as much fat out of the jar as possible.
  6. Using a fine-mesh strainer pour vodka from one jar to a new empty mason jar. The strainer should catch lots of bacon fat and other stuff.
  7. Wash the original jar used and train the bacon infused alcohol one more time into the now clean and empty Mason jar. Enjoy.

 

vm_rick

Make a dry Bacon Martini and garnish with a strip of bacon. Or try a Smokey Vampire. Yum.

 The Smokey Vampire

  • 2 oz. Bacon Infused Bourbon (or Whiskey)
  • 1/4 oz. maple syrup
  • 2 dashes Angostura bitters
  • Orange juice (just a bit)
  • Blood (just a bit)

In mixing glass, stir 2 ounces bacon-infused bourbon, maple syrup, and bitters with ice. Strain into chilled rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish with bacon and if you want add a splash of orange juice and blood.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

Have fun and we’ll see you next week for more ATG and Cocktails (and Vampires.)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summer TV Update (with Vampires, guilty pleasures, cooking, movies, AGT, and more)

Fall is just around the corner. I know that because I am painfully aware that books for the fall quarter for two college aged kids will run around $1,600 – $2,000, maybe a little less if they are lucky enough to get used books. But on a good note, the summer TV season is still in full swing.

I know I’m not the only person on the planet who is NOT watching Game of Thrones. I was turned off the first season by all of the gratuitous doggy style sex in every single episode. Really? Come on folks mix it up. I think that is an HBO thing. Seriously it gets annoying after a while (like after the first five or six times within an hour.) There were also a couple of other annoying things. I tried to read the first book and couldn’t get through it due to the writing style. It was well written, but I just couldn’t get into it. Hey, I have read a lot of fantasy, more than most, and a lot of difficult literature (which I loved) but I couldn’t get into Game of Thrones. Sort of like I can’t get into any Wally Lamb book (sort of like waiting in Hell, I mean on hold with any technical support department with any cable company, phone company, or eBay.) But if you like it then go for it. Have fun. As us Vampires say, “sink your teeth into it.” And there are dragons. Dragons are always exceptionally cool.

I also don’t watch Dr. Who. Never have. Never will. I will not discuss the subject. Period.

By the way, I have a funny bit. This morning my husband answered the phone at some early still-dark hour. He said, “Microsoft Technical Support,” and presto – the caller was gone. HA HA HA. I love that man.

So what stupid things have I been watching this summer? Not a lot. Mainly movies. Mainly small indie films. I’ll do another post for summer theater films (maybe) later. This is what I’ve watched and highly recommend that I’ve seen on cable.

Juliette’s Short List for Summer Movies You Can Watch On Your TV or Computer:

  • The Fundamentals of Caring
  • Shimmer Lake
  • I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore
  • Tangerine

Note: All of these are small Independent films. Good stuff. None of them will make you want to strangle me after you see them. Please see the ratings and descriptions before you watch them with kids. 

 

The Bachelorette

Late one night, while I was alone, I discovered The Bachelorette. I discovered Rachael. Who couldn’t love Rachael. She is a beautiful, lovely, charming, sweet woman from Texas.

I usually don’t get hooked into this stuff but I did. I watched it in secret without family or friends. I wouldn’t admit to anyone that I was following Rachael’s adventures. But I couldn’t stop watching it.

You know, if it was a guy picking out a girl from the usually room full of chicks in too high of heels and too tight dresses I wouldn’t have watched. But this was different. This was so different. I’m not going to even try to explain today. Maybe later. Not today (I have stuff to do and need to finish this post.)

She started out with about thirty guys who all wanted to marry her, or at least get the chance to find out if they wanted to marry her. Each week she’d give a rose to the guys she wanted to keep in the running. The guys all stayed together in a stable, I mean house. Some were nice. Several were real douches. Some spent their time back stabbing other guys. That got them nowhere. In the meantime Rachael went around the world having romantic adventures with the fellows and FINALLY picked the last THREE. Oh what a heart break and what a sweet ending.

She picked…one of my favorites…the right choice… Bryan. Woo Hoo. I wish them a long happy life together.

I hope it works out for them when reality sets in. You know the reality I’m talking about. How will they handle it when one of them gets sick our injured? How will she deal with his weird high school friend Kyle? What about their morning routines, holidays, decorating styles, views on how they’ll raise their kids, where they’ll raise their kids, morning coffee breath, what they watch on TV and a variety of weird things? Life after dating can get complicated – yes, that is what marriage is. Marriage is rewarding but it isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work, and it isn’t always romantic.

I still can’t believe I got sucked into this. Awww, must be the romantic in me. Hey, Peter, dude, you blew it.

America’s Got Talent

This is my flagship show. What I mean by that is that when I first started this blog back in 2012 I started blogging about this show every single week during the summer. All of us (me, family, friends) would gather around and watch. I publish comments from the peanut gallery – unfiltered and unapologetic. The honest truth. The show is good this year and now in the judges cuts for the top acts. I’ll be posting on it again… and YES WITH COCKTAILS. Do a search for previous blog posts on this show.

I have to add one note about this season’s “golden buzzer” choices. A small girl with a big voice sang a lovely song and received the “golden buzzer.” My daughter looked the girl up on Google and found that she’d been in talent shows all over Asia. No wonder she was so good on stage, so slick, and utterly fantastic in a practiced and staged way. Her parents have made her into an industry – starting with what they named her (after a famous singer.) Unlike many of the other children we’ve seen on the show I feel this child is exploited by her parents. There is nothing natural about her. This isn’t talent. This is force fed performance – like a trained dog or monkey. She is their cash cow – raised to be a cash cow. By the time she is 23 she’ll be washed up, but who cares – mom and dad can retire in comfort. It is too bad the guest judge who pressed the golden buzzer couldn’t have seen through the blatant exploitation of a small child.

Vampire Cocktails – two parts mixer, one part blood. Cheers. And never drink and drive.

Next Food TV Star

This season had a bunch of likable folks (except two who were just annoying.) In my opinion it was the best season ever. They are now down to the last three. All men. All fun. All guys you’d want to hug and have as neighbors. All great. My bets are on Jason, a wonderful guy from Tennessee with an accent that will melt your heart away. I could just eat him up. This man can cook and entertain. Let’s see what happens.

If you don’t want to win on this show do the following:

  1. Refer to yourself as “Mama” something.
  2. Talk non-stop about a distant country you identify with, that nobody has ever heard of, even though you are 5th generation American. Then rather than educating us, and sharing with us the wonders of your beautiful family culture, be so confusing about it that nobody knows what the crap you’re talking about.
  3. Be totally clueless in the kitchen.
  4. Show the other contestants how ignorant and helpless you are.
  5. Act surprised that you’re going to be on TV and have to talk about your food.
  6. Don’t know what a vanilla bean looks like.
  7. Make the other contestants want to cry when they are paired up with you.
  8. Don’t follow directions.
  9. Act like a Martha Stewart wannabe.
  10. Make some sort of shrimp and grits for every single challenge. Yes, we know you’re from the South, but I know damn well that folks from the South eat a lot more than grits.

Preacher

I love this show. I fucking love this show.

Life Below Zero

I’m hooked. Love Sue. Love the others too. But I wish they’d show more than just hunting and fishing. I’d like to see other aspects of their lives as well. We get a hint, but I’d like more. OK I admit, I watch for the foxes at Sue’s and the puppies with everyone else.

Forged in Steel

People make knives. No drama. They are craftsmen and women. They are awesome. Wow. Check it out.

Ink Master

Yes, we’re watching this weird and wonderful train wreck of a show. This year is a team effort (teams of two in competition against each other.) There is less drama and better ink than on previous shows. Thank you producers for raising the bar a little. And did I say better artists? Yes, they’re better than we’ve seen in years. Like most shows this is just something we watch together, talk about while we watch it, and don’t take too seriously. It is family time. Don’t like to watch it alone cause it just wouldn’t be fun. And Dave is still hot.

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first. Hey, look at the Vampire Maman tattoo (yes, he has a tattoo.) Is that me on his arm? Hell yeah!

 

So have a nice week everyone, and try to get outside too. Have fun – as only the summer can give you.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

The Bachelor – Another Viewpoint with Options

In the wee hours of this morning I was scanning my Twitter feed (no you haven’t landed on the White House Web Site) and kept seeing stuff about The Bachelor. You know, the TV show where about 25 women wear tight clothing and fight over the same man. I doubt if they have knock down drag out physical fights (but it would be fun if they did) but I’m sure they get plenty catty.

I’d usually ignore something like this because I don’t watch the show but I noticed something weird. All of the guys look the same. Seriously they look like a set of fraternal quads – kind of like armadillo pups.

In fact I saw #cookiecutterguys on one of the threads. These guys are so white-bread boring that it is a wonder any girl would want to take the time to dig and claw her way to the top to get his rose.

Look at these guys. If you scroll the page down and just see their smiles the first three could almost be the same guy. If you just see the tops of their heads you’ll know they ARE the same guy.

Unlike MTV’s Are You The One, with 22 contestants who all pair up with their perfect match, making eleven couples, The Bachelor is so one sided.

But imagine if we redid The Bachelor and added some interest to the mix. Let’s make the guy interesting and special so the women will REALLY have something to WANT.

So dear readers… Who would YOU pick for the next Bachelor if you had a choice?

Adam Driver. He was HOT in Star Wars. Sure Han and Leia were shitty parents, but there was something about Adam Driver that makes him able to transform himself from a goofy looking average guy into a bundle of dark evil male hotness.

 

Darcy. Ladies, need I say more?

 

John Steinbeck. Ladies, need I say more?

 

This guy. OK, I have no idea who he is. I looked up “Average Guy” on Google and this is what came up. If he is average then I’m not sure what universe we’re in right now. Then again, my husband Teddy is in that realm of a 27 on a 1-10 scale, so I’m used to it.

 

Animal lover, confident in his masculinity. I bet he does a great Chicken Dance.

 

Secure with all the self-confidence any woman could ever dream of. Bring it on baby. He has that Russell Brand thing sort of going on doesn’t he?

 

How about the Hipsters? A guy with a well groomed beard, great hair (same style as my son) and a scarf. Who needs the quads when you could have this guy. I bet he also makes great toast and French Pressed coffee (yeah, I’m sure he knows how to do all kinds of great French things.)

 

Dare I say that the Quads are painfully white? So I’d like to introduce you to this guy. And I like how he is dressed. I’m sure undressed is just as nice. He put the STEAM in Steampunk.

 

And what about Goth Guys? He is the one who will heat up any cold dead Vampire girl on a dark winter night. Ladies, go for the style and mystery. You know he’ll never be boring.

 

He might look like a Silicone Valley Geek but he makes a Million and a half a year plus benefits. AND he can fix your computer and maybe even more. And he is sort of cute – you have to admit.

 

Blondes. There were no Blondes in the armadillo group. Blonde guys rock.

 

Dead guys. Wait, this guy isn’t dead. This guy is Keith Richards. Nuff said. Ladies, feast your eyes before he turns into old Keith. Hell, even old Keith is great – just listen to him play on the new Rolling Stones Album. HOT HOT HOT

 

Peter Cushing. Oh come on ladies, you have to admit it.

 

 

My name is Gorn and I always agree with Juliette.

 

Even my cat Oscar would be more interesting and he’d like ALL of the women on the show.

 

FINALLY maybe they could pick a Vampire – because everybody loves to get a red rose from a Vampire. And a Vampire will ALWAYS treat you as if you’re the only one.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

America’s Got Talent 2016 FINAL – With Cocktails & Vampires

AGT and Cocktails

AGT and Cocktails

Every summer since 2012 I’ve been posting about AGT and Cocktails – that is the television talent show America’s Got Talent, my husband Teddy’s cocktails, and comments from the peanut gallery (assorted Vampires and occasional “other” friends.)

Tonight we have my daughter Clara, Teddy, my brothers Max and Andy, and Lola here to watch and make their peanut gallery observations.

This year I’m skipping to the FINAL. I didn’t feel like blogging every single show this year. t have to admit it has been a good year. There have been a lot of talented people in the competition this year. I’m not crazy about all of the finalists but I like most of them. All are good. Anyone could win. There are no unlikable assholes, freakish contrived family acts, obnoxious Cha Cha dancers, precocious brats, or fart acts.

What we are watching are talented kids, talented adults, great singers, unique sleight of hand, a guy with tape over his mouth, a pretzel girl, a juggler from another time  and old-fashioned mind readers.

I’m not going to go into great detail about who these folks are. If you’ve watched the show all along you’ll know who they are. I’ll post a video of each from either the final or a previous show.

Sal Valenetti

The 20-year-old St. John’s University student brought down the house singing Mac The Knife like a seasoned pro. I love this guy.

Comments from the peanut gallery: He is just smooth. He crushed it. He nailed it. I could listen to this guy ALL NIGHT. Wow. And the judges loved him.

He could win.

Sophie Dossi

From the Peanut Gallery: What is she going to do. I want to see her eat her foot. She can pint her toe nails from this. There is nothing that gives me a wow from her. Any gymnast can do that. This just sucks. How does she do that. You seen enough? The one with the remote fast forwarded this one. Alice doesn’t care, then again she is a dog.

Linkin’ Bridge

From the Peanut Gallery: Great the first time but… The big guy is the one who can sing, I don’t know why they keep letting the other one do solos. That guy can sing too. They need to pick songs that are actually good to sing. They did it ass backwards – the solos were in the wrong place. But it doesn’t sound too bad. They are good but I’m not getting the wow I got the first time. Sort of like that wonderful first date and by the fourth date you’re kind of bored. Nobody liked the back up singers. Why do great singers and groups have to ruin it with backup singers. The original was such a good song. Sigh. They are about two carrots short of stew. Good but not quite. I could pick four random guys around a fire on a corner in Philadelphia and they’d do just as good.

Laura Breton

The Peanut Gallery was speechless. This is why people watch opera. She is so talented. With training…oh my goodness. Where does that voice come from? And angel. Only fourteen with a real natural beauty and sweetness. Such passion. She hits is perfect every single time.

The Clarivoynts

The Peanut Gallery: They’re creepy. I like them. They’re so pretty and charming and I know how they do it. Word cues. They have their own code just like the clairvoyants of the 19th century and before. Key words. Key words. Key words. But they do it with style.  This is county fair shit. This is awful. We’ve seen others like them but they’ve all been voted out. I’m done. She isn’t dressed like some skank. OK I’m done.

Brian Justin Crum

Ho Hum. I’m just not a fan. Then he did a Queen cover – is was, well, in my opinion, awful.

From the Peanut Gallery: This is awful. He’s announcing not singing. He changes the songs too much. He can’t hit the notes so he changes the songs. He can’t hit notes. A one trick pony. I didn’t even recognize that song. OMG that is Michael Jackson. No. The jacket is too tight. He sucks. The judges hyped him up so much. He’s horrible. That wasn’t even singing.

I have to say that my brother Andy is here. Andy is a professional opera singer. He just sort of rolled his eyes. Someone mentioned that one of the judges has the intelligence of a jelly bean.

Tape Mouth

I love him. Teddy is not a fan. He does stuff in New Zealand but under his own name without the tape.

Peanut Gallery: I got to admit that was pretty good. I wonder what he does when he isn’t so random. I wonder if he won if he’d break character and take off the tape. When you look him up he mentions that his ideas come from Charlie Chaplin and other silent comedians. The sight gags are goo. He just flashed the 21 Pilots symbol.

Victor Kee

Juggling like the Ballet Russe from the early 20th Century. He is from another time. I love his style. I love his look.

The Peanut Gallery: I can’t do a summersault. He isn’t as wonderful tonight as he usually is. Uh oh he dropped one. He is still beautiful to watch. I was hoping with the mountain/fire background that he’d do Hall of the Mountain King. Butt contour.

John Dorenbos

Peanut Gallery: He is so sweet. Do you remember him from when he was playing football? He still plays dear. He is so likable. He is but he’s used to being in the public eye. He has a good message. His presentation is what makes him. Magic that inspires. He is brilliant.

Don’t hate, don’t blame, and forgive. The magic is in every single one of us. I’m getting all choked up now. Awww man.

Gracie VanderWaal

And the winner is… she is only 12 years old. Wow. We love her. She could be opening for Never Shout Never, or 21 Pilots, or Fall Out Boy, or even Panic! at the Disco.

You can tell she is a good kid. You can tell she isn’t from some weird family who is trying to exploit her. She writes her own songs. She could be singing at Warped Tour. Cha Ching Simon.

Her style is Punk Pop (in the indie/alternative range), which by the way is what my kids love. Good job Grace for not buying into the commercial crap that is forced upon so many young minds and ears.

 

Who got our votes?

Sal, Laura, John, and Grace.

Who will win? Grace, John, or Sal.

We’ll see tomorrow.

Cheers!

Cheers!

Tonight’s Cocktail:

Kentucky Coffee

  • 8-10 oz Coffee (we used butterscotch carmel flavored beans, but you can use whatever kind you want, say a nice Etheopian blend.)
  • A dash of cinnimon
  • 1/4 cut milk
  • A shot or two of Bourbon
  • If you’re a Vampire add a shot or two of hot strained blood.
  • Mix it all in a mug and enjoy.

Ohhh, now it’s time for Ink Master. Tuesday night is when all the Vampires watch TV. Really. I couldn’t make this shit up.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

We've got plenty of talent.

We’ve got plenty of talent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vampire Diary: The Twilight Zone of Love

Dear Diary,

Today I started to write my memoirs. I feel the weight of the damned upon my shoulders.

The cats are screaming. I must feed them. They refuse to catch their own food. I will start feeding them salad greens to inspire them to channel into their carnivore souls.

~ Vlad

 

I am her cat.

 

Dear Diary,

The cats are not happy with me.

~ Vlad

 

Grumpy-Cat-NO-1

Dear Diary,

Three hundred years of sleep has put me at a disadvantage. I wake and the world is an alien planet. Yes, I, Vlad the Vampire King, know what Science Fiction is. I make a comparison, only the world in which I have awakened is not fiction.

I’ve read the stories of Philip K. Dick, Ursula K. Le Guin, and H. G. Wells. Their worlds are hardly less fantastic than what I see before me each and every single day. Yet, their writing is bold and fearless. I shall read more. I shall seek out more of what they call SciFi.

My old Vampire friend Thomas Kent came by the other night. We consumed many bottles of blood and many of wine, as we binge watched X Files episodes. I could fall in love with Scully. She would make a fine Vampire.

Thomas said we would next binge watch Breaking Bad. I understand it is about alchemist teacher and those who are against his art.

Later Thomas and I went out for fresh blood. I looked around every corner for The Smoking Man.

~ Vlad

The-X-Files

 

Dear Diary,

Today Thomas introduced me to something called Twilight Zone. I might never leave my house again.

He said that next week he will introduce me to something called Golden Girls. He said it will change me on so many levels. I have no idea what he means by that. I shall wait until next week.

~ Vlad

24-masks-twilight-zone.w750.h560.2x-1450978483

 

Dear Diary,

I have been thinking much about allegorical concepts and metaphors of stories that are so much part of modern culture. A wolf is no longer enough to scare someone. Religion does not bring fear into the hearts of the parishioners. It is stories of modern morality, greed, sex, and vanity told in straight forward ways that aren’t about royalty or gods. The stories are of the common man, both grim yet highly entertaining. There is a man called Stephen King who writes of such things in terms of good and evil with descriptions that would make even a Vampire take note. He is the master. There are others as well. But forget the horror, I have discovered women who write of romance in ways that make me almost numb not knowing what to think. The men on the covers tend to look a lot like me. How did they know? I am the man all women desire yet after reading these novels I wonder… I wonder a lot of things. I wonder if a woman called Nora Roberts would write a book about me. My image does not have to be on the cover. I’d prefer she just write about me, in

Modern women are like more like men in some ways, yet they are even more mysterious than they ever were. They are more beautiful and full of desire than women of the past. They are…they are…my dark soul is moved to say that they are wonderful.

But I speak too much about my food. I find while my body can be with many, my heart and mind are only with my Gillian.

~ Vlad

 

99ec35c3f2ce07478c410b316bf3f98b

Dear Diary,

Thomas told me that the actress who plays the role of Scully is name Gillian. If my heart could beat fast it would.

~ Vlad

 

Unknown

Dear Diary,

Gillian and I went out tonight, as we often do, because we’re Vampires. It should have been a normal night. By that I mean the kind of night that people have gone out in for hundreds, if not thousands of years. We went to a club, we drank wine, we listened to music, and we even danced. Then we had our fill of blood from new found friends.

As we walked through a dark alley, arm in arm, warm blood in our veins, love in our barely beating hearts and headed towards my car. Then I heard voices. Gillian heard them too. We stopped. She glanced at me and squeezed my arm. I took her hand.

“That’s them, the cute blonde guy and the beautiful ginger.”

“The Vlad the Vampire King?”

“They look like they’re off the cover of a bodice ripper romance. Don’t let that fool you.”

“Let’s make this happen. Jay, take the woman with the net. I don’t want her dead. Not yet. Carl, take the watch. The rest of you guys, stay with me. We’ll get Vlad.”

Gillian and I turned around. There were seven of them.

Vampire Hunters.

“I wish I’d worn flats,” Gillian hissed under her breath.

Before us stood six men and one woman. They were all dressed in black. They all carried weapons of some sort.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“The accent. Listen to his accent. He has the Lugosi accent,” said one of them.

“What an asshole,” said Gillian. “Let’s do this Vlad.”

She was right. I’d take no more insults from these idiots.

As they rushed us I held out my hand. “You are tired. Your eyes are weighted with molten silver. Your feet are like stones. You want to sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.”

Gillian sang softly. “Sleep, my loves, sleep in the dreams of your childhood. Sleep my kittens. Sleep.”

Then they fell to the ground. They were not good at what they do. Gillian and I looked down on them in disgust.

Then she started to dig in her purse.

“What are you looking for Gillian?”

“A Sharpie.”

“Do you wish to stab them? Their own pathetic lives are enough punishment for these characters.”

“No, not that kind of sharpie. A pen.”

And out of her purse she pulled a black pen. “Indelliable ink. It won’t come off for at least a week, unless of course they scrub their skin off.”

Then she proceeded to write the word LOSER on their foreheads and colored their noses black. She colored the woman’s lips black. On the men she drew funny beards and mustaches. Aside from when we make love I’ve never seen Gillian so happy.

When she was done we left and went back to her house.

In the old days I would have killed them. Now we do something worse. We make them look ridiculous.

I opened my eyes as she slept with her cold pale arms and legs wrapped around me, her auburn hair over my chest. We did indeed look like the cover of a romance novel. Maybe that isn’t a bad thing.

As for the Vampire Hunters… I don’t know. I don’t care. They are fools and will never be as glorious as the Vampires they seek.

~ Vlad

night walk

 

Dear Diary,

When one lives in a world that is in the shadows of both the real and the unreal it can be confusing, but then again it can be rewarding.

My mind goes back to times when we’d see dragons flying overhead as they migrated to their winter homes. There was a time when most everything in our homes, including the computer I write upon would be considered magic.

Then I see Gillian and I feel a different kind of magic.

I do not always understand it, this thing called love. There were centuries when I never felt it or missed it. There were centuries when I didn’t care. Love was no concern of mine. Then a woman who would draw funny beards on Vampire Hunters entered my existence. She was every bit as cold as I am, and it, what is the word they use? It clicked.

I must feed the cats. Tonight to celebrate they get tuna. From a can. As Vampire King I must make my subjects happy. HA HA HA. See I made a joke.

~ Vlad

fbe1abf716e5d03e068f0c4f109be234