AGT with Vampires and Drinks and Amazing Things (Eclipse Edition)

Every summer since 2012 I’ve been blogging about the TV talent show America’s Got Talent (or AGT.) It started out as a cheap trick to get people to read my blog. It is still a cheap trick to get people to read my blog – especially since I add in booze.

I was up in Oregon earlier this week to see the TOTAL ECLIPSE so I did not see the show live, or at least not on the night it was aired. I didn’t get to vote. I didn’t even drink.

However, when I returned home yesterday I watched it with my husband Teddy and college student daughter Clara.

Here are our thoughts and the results.

Tyra Banks was wearing some sort of weird jumpsuit in a loud black and white print. She is a beautiful woman but this just made her look like a circus freak. But hey, whatever floats your boat or whatever.

Here are the acts:

Boy Dancers.

I don’t remember their name. We stopped watching the dancers and noticed how weird Mel B’s hair color was. It was a dusty gray, like dryer lint. Not a good look.

Celine Tam (singing child)

She is darling but her parents are exploiting her. She is so polished. Every single hand movement, facial expression, comment is studied and planned. She did sound like a child this week but the 90’s songs are getting old. Her parents take her to a lot of other big talent shows like this in other countries. She is their cash cow. That makes me sad because she is precious and super talented. I know we are jaded but I bet she has no friends, no sleep overs, no public school, no other activities. I hope I’m wrong. Teddy said she is really 47.

Scary Twins (Mirror Image)

Remember when you were in school and there were those annoying kids who were always “ON” 24/7. They were talented and wanted EVERYONE to know it. Well here they are as an act called Mirror Image. They are two boys who dance and sing in a way that only Donnie and Marie fans on Meth would appreciate. During their act we discussed how Simon’s shirts never fit him. He is a nice looking guy and rich. There is no reason for him to dress in ill fitting clothes. Heidi looked lovely.

Clara said with twins there is always a dominant twin. She said “I would like to think that I would have been the dominant twin.” Ain’t that the truth.

Johnny Manuel

Sweet kid. Good looking. But here are the notes from the peanut gallery…

He is awful. Why’d he pick this song? He is doing it slow cause he can’t sing. Doesn’t sound like he is singing that song. He’s not. No this isn’t even… he’s just doing the same notes over and over and over. The judges will love him.

And they did love him. The sweet kid made it through. I hope he can find a better song next time.

Dancing Robot Kid Merreck Hannah

Comments from the peanut gallery: He looks like that weird creep kid everybody has in class. You just want to tell him to sit down and shut up.

Nobody here was inspired.

The Masquerades

Three old guys who sing like angels. They sang together in the 60’s. They had a record deal at one time. They came back. They were darling.

Light Balance

Just another group of guys dressed up with lights. Ho hum. This kind of act has been overdone. Thank goodness nobody is doing one of those awful shadow acts this year.

Evie Claire

I love this young lady (age 13). She had tragedy in her life, but she brings joy and hope through her voice. She won’t win but she gets my vote. She is lovely.

Danger Guy – Escape Artist

Clara likes him. I don’t remember his name and it isn’t in my notes. I’m not a fan. His girlfriend sits on the sidelines and cries. It is all so fake.

Magic Guy Eric Jones

I like him well enough. He did illusions with cards and glass. Yep, stuff went right through glass. You can’t help but like this guy. His illusions are fun. But he is slow. We lost interest right away. Teddy mentioned if he could pull cards out of Howie’s ass that would be great, but then Clara reminded her dad that someone had already done that a few years ago.

Dogs – The Pompeyo Family

We love dog acts. This time it was cute. The dog danced to Katy Perry singing Roar. The dogs were dressed up like African animals. It was kind of a mess. Cute but a mess.

Mandy Harvey

This beautiful talented young woman could be our winner. Mandy Harvey was a talented young singer and song writer when at the age 18 she lost her hearing. Her father encouraged her to get back into her music. Now in her mid 20’s she is amazing. She still sings, writes her own music, and plays her own instruments. And she is GOOD. She is beautiful – her face, her voice, her personality. This is not a sympathy call because she is deaf. She is THAT GOOD. It was powerful.

So who won and is going on to the next show?

Mandy Harvey

Light Balance (we are tired of light shows and didn’t even watch them)

Johnny Manuel

Celiene Tam

Robot Boy

Evie Claire

Eric Jones

 

Now for the Cocktails.

We didn’t have any. I had some Rogue River Beer in the fridge but we skipped it tonight. We’ll have it tonight. I’ll let you know how it was.

So until next time… have fun.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

AGT and Cocktails – The 2017 Voting Starts (and Vampires)

(Peviously recorded – the winners of this round are listed after all act descriptions.)

In the summer of 2017 I started posting about AGT, sharing the comments of the peanut gallery of friends and family, and telling you what cocktails Teddy was making for the night.

Last night was the first night of votes for the 2017 season. Tonight we’ll find out what the first batch of talented folks going in for the finals will be.

So here is a run down of who performed, and what was said. This gets pretty brutal. Vampires are not an easy crowd.

Christian Guardino 

This kid is only 17 and I gotta admit has a huge voice. Last night my family was not part of his fan base. The peanut gallery gave the following comments:

He’s not that good.

Like Catsup and Ice Cream, but the judges will rave about him.

The judges did rave about him but I don’t think he is that great.

Yes, the judges ate him up.

Our vote: NO

Artion and Page (Dancers)

This eight and ten year old pair is so full of energy and sooooo cute. I have no idea why I like them. I usually don’t like kid dancers. Maybe that was after years of a certain dance school exploiting and sexualizing their hoochie dancing baby salsa stars. Ugh. BUT this isn’t the case this year. These kids are absolutely genuine and precious. They are just funny. Their facial expressions are hilarious and joyful and real. And these kids can move – but they move like kids. They just fun. Puppy and kitten cute. By the way, they danced to Footloose.

Our vote: Yes (except Teddy who doesn’t like any of the dancers)

In the Stairwell

This group is made up of a group of fine young men who attend the United States Air Force Academy. They are all great singers, good looking, and just darned cute (suck it up Vlad, you’re not the only one.) I love them. One Tuesday they sang the Fun song “Some Nights. Even Simon stood up to cheery. They are fine indeed.

Our Vote: YES YES YES

Singing Trump

This is a guy who is in his 50’s, obviously a professional performer, and entertaining. Unfortunately he was off on Tuesday, with a bad choice of songs. He did “Shut Up and Dance,” which was weird and confusing done by “Trump.” Then he switched to M.C. Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This.” A sad fail indeed. Yes, the man will never get my vote.

Comments from the peanut gallery: He’s not fat enough to be trump. Whoever he is the man is a professional. Tremendous, greatly, and very very bad tonight.

Our Vote: No

Angelica Hale

A nine year old girl with big pipes. We like her. She is cute with a mature sounding voice. She can really sing.

Our Vote: Yes

Bello Nock

This guy is a classic circus clown in the old time Barnum and Bailey tradition. He does dare devil stuff. He is good at what he does. He makes it look fun. Alas, he didn’t grab any of us enough to get our vote.

Our Vote: No

Just Jerk

When I saw the name I thought of Jamaican cooking. No such luck.

This is yet another group of teenage boys (with a couple of token girls) who dance as good as an average high school drill team. Ho hum. Boring music. Boring Dancing. I don’t know why they were even chosen in the first place. This is where the formula aspect of the show comes in – they need people in every group (singers, dancers, teens, adults, kids, dare devils, etc.)

Our Vote: NO

Puddles Pity Party

This guy is a talented mature singer dressed like a sad turn of the 20th century clown. 

Comments from the peanut gallery:

Fast forward. NOW.

Simon should come out and beat him to death.

This is bull shit.

The song is horrible enough and even worse when he sings it.

Simon gave him an X.

Our Vote: No

Preacher Lawson

Comedian

We love this guy. OMG he is funny. He is a shooting star. Love love love! Look him up on YouTube. Preacher Lawson.

Our Vote: YES

 

Yoli Mayor

No good comments from the peanut gallery EXCEPT that she looked great and had a wonderful dress on that was super flattering. It was a bad song to start with and she can’t even sing it. I don’t know why the judges (Simon) are so intrigued by her. She is a lovely young woman, but not the million dollar act.

Our Vote: No

 

Trashy Roller Skaters

We’re a skating family. My daughter is a US National Roller Sports Champion. We DO NOT like this act. This brother and sister pair CAN skate. They have expensive boots and plates. They know what they are doing, BUT they are so trashy. She dresses slutty. He usually has his shirt off. They were spinning around and his head is right in his sister’s whoo haw.

Comments from the peanut gallery: All they do is spend. People are doing this in Vegas (naked.) All they do is spin. All they do is spin. All they do is spin. This would be a good 90 second opening for another act. If she wasn’t hot it wouldn’t work.

Our Vote: No

 

Darcy Lynne

This young ventriloquist could win it all. I can’t even describe how good she is (so here is a video.)

She is amazing. She sings better than 99% of the singers. She keeps in character with her characters. She has amazing stage presence. She’s a winner.

Our Vote: YES YES YES YES YES YES

And the acts that went through to the finals are:

In the Stairwell

Darcy Lynne

Angelica Hale

Preacher Lawson

Trashy Roller Skaters

And two acts saved with some Dunkin Donuts weird vote thing were:

Yoli Mayor

Christian Guardino

 

While we’re all watching this silly show my husband Teddy is making cocktails.

Forget the fruit and the fluff.

We’re going for the hard stuff.

 

That’s No Bull Shot

  • 2 ounces vodka
  • 2 oz blood
  • 1/4 fresh squeezed lemon juice
  • 1/2-cup of cold beef concentrate
  • 2-6 dashes of Tabasco or other hot sauce to taste
  • A dash of ground pepper
  • A dash of cayenne pepper
  • A dash of kosher salt

Instructions:

Shake all ingredients in a shaker with liberal amounts of ice. Garnish with a slice of lemon.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

vm_eve

 

Bloody Bovine

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 4 oz of V8 or Trader Joe’s Vegetable Cocktail Juice
  • 4 oz chilled beef concentrate
  • 4 oz blood
  • 1 tsp of peeled and finely grated fresh horseradish (If you don’t have fresh use the kind in the jar. Don’t use the cream horse radish sauce because it will be disgusting.)
  • A pinch celery salt
  • 2 dashes of Worcestershire sauce
  • 3 dashes of Tabasco Sauce or more to taste
  • A liberal sprinkle of ground pepper
  • 1/4 oz fresh lemon juice (just squeeze in a few wedges)
  • And a big green olive or two. Try a blue cheese stuffed one.

Instructions:

Combine everything over ice in a big glass (or two if you want to share). Stir. Ganish with a long piece of fresh red bell pepper.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

Now Let’s Talk BACON

vm bacon cocktail

It’s all about the bacon. And the news is good.

You can now have your bacon and drink it too.

 

How to make Bacon Washed Booze.

 

You can add bacon flavor to vodka, whiskey or broubon. And it is easy. AND best of all you’ll get to eat the bacon.

This is fantastic in a Bloody Ceasar or Bloody Mary.

 

Bacon Washed Booze

Ingredients:

  • 1 pound good quality bacon
  • 26 ounces vodka, whiskey or bourbon (some people like to use rum too. I say go for it.)
  • 2 quart Mason jars
  • Fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth and funnel
  1. Fry up your bacon on low heat until nicely crisp but not charred. You don’t want to burn it. Pour fat from the pan into a heat-safe bowl (like a Pyrex bowl).
  2. Remove bacon strips and put them on a plate that’s covered with a paper towel. Let stand for five minutes.
  3. Pour alcohol of your choice into a large mason jar.
  4. When the bacon has cooled slightly, add strips into the Mason jar with the alcohol. Pour bacon fat into the jar as well. Let jar stand at room temperature for four hours and stir mixture every hour. Remove the bacon strips (but not the fat)
  5. Put the jar into the freezer overnight. The fat will solidify and rise to the top, scrape as much fat out of the jar as possible.
  6. Using a fine-mesh strainer pour vodka from one jar to a new empty mason jar. The strainer should catch lots of bacon fat and other stuff.
  7. Wash the original jar used and train the bacon infused alcohol one more time into the now clean and empty Mason jar. Enjoy.

 

vm_rick

Make a dry Bacon Martini and garnish with a strip of bacon. Or try a Smokey Vampire. Yum.

 The Smokey Vampire

  • 2 oz. Bacon Infused Bourbon (or Whiskey)
  • 1/4 oz. maple syrup
  • 2 dashes Angostura bitters
  • Orange juice (just a bit)
  • Blood (just a bit)

In mixing glass, stir 2 ounces bacon-infused bourbon, maple syrup, and bitters with ice. Strain into chilled rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish with bacon and if you want add a splash of orange juice and blood.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

Have fun and we’ll see you next week for more ATG and Cocktails (and Vampires.)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summer TV Update (with Vampires, guilty pleasures, cooking, movies, AGT, and more)

Fall is just around the corner. I know that because I am painfully aware that books for the fall quarter for two college aged kids will run around $1,600 – $2,000, maybe a little less if they are lucky enough to get used books. But on a good note, the summer TV season is still in full swing.

I know I’m not the only person on the planet who is NOT watching Game of Thrones. I was turned off the first season by all of the gratuitous doggy style sex in every single episode. Really? Come on folks mix it up. I think that is an HBO thing. Seriously it gets annoying after a while (like after the first five or six times within an hour.) There were also a couple of other annoying things. I tried to read the first book and couldn’t get through it due to the writing style. It was well written, but I just couldn’t get into it. Hey, I have read a lot of fantasy, more than most, and a lot of difficult literature (which I loved) but I couldn’t get into Game of Thrones. Sort of like I can’t get into any Wally Lamb book (sort of like waiting in Hell, I mean on hold with any technical support department with any cable company, phone company, or eBay.) But if you like it then go for it. Have fun. As us Vampires say, “sink your teeth into it.” And there are dragons. Dragons are always exceptionally cool.

I also don’t watch Dr. Who. Never have. Never will. I will not discuss the subject. Period.

By the way, I have a funny bit. This morning my husband answered the phone at some early still-dark hour. He said, “Microsoft Technical Support,” and presto – the caller was gone. HA HA HA. I love that man.

So what stupid things have I been watching this summer? Not a lot. Mainly movies. Mainly small indie films. I’ll do another post for summer theater films (maybe) later. This is what I’ve watched and highly recommend that I’ve seen on cable.

Juliette’s Short List for Summer Movies You Can Watch On Your TV or Computer:

  • The Fundamentals of Caring
  • Shimmer Lake
  • I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore
  • Tangerine

Note: All of these are small Independent films. Good stuff. None of them will make you want to strangle me after you see them. Please see the ratings and descriptions before you watch them with kids. 

 

The Bachelorette

Late one night, while I was alone, I discovered The Bachelorette. I discovered Rachael. Who couldn’t love Rachael. She is a beautiful, lovely, charming, sweet woman from Texas.

I usually don’t get hooked into this stuff but I did. I watched it in secret without family or friends. I wouldn’t admit to anyone that I was following Rachael’s adventures. But I couldn’t stop watching it.

You know, if it was a guy picking out a girl from the usually room full of chicks in too high of heels and too tight dresses I wouldn’t have watched. But this was different. This was so different. I’m not going to even try to explain today. Maybe later. Not today (I have stuff to do and need to finish this post.)

She started out with about thirty guys who all wanted to marry her, or at least get the chance to find out if they wanted to marry her. Each week she’d give a rose to the guys she wanted to keep in the running. The guys all stayed together in a stable, I mean house. Some were nice. Several were real douches. Some spent their time back stabbing other guys. That got them nowhere. In the meantime Rachael went around the world having romantic adventures with the fellows and FINALLY picked the last THREE. Oh what a heart break and what a sweet ending.

She picked…one of my favorites…the right choice… Bryan. Woo Hoo. I wish them a long happy life together.

I hope it works out for them when reality sets in. You know the reality I’m talking about. How will they handle it when one of them gets sick our injured? How will she deal with his weird high school friend Kyle? What about their morning routines, holidays, decorating styles, views on how they’ll raise their kids, where they’ll raise their kids, morning coffee breath, what they watch on TV and a variety of weird things? Life after dating can get complicated – yes, that is what marriage is. Marriage is rewarding but it isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work, and it isn’t always romantic.

I still can’t believe I got sucked into this. Awww, must be the romantic in me. Hey, Peter, dude, you blew it.

America’s Got Talent

This is my flagship show. What I mean by that is that when I first started this blog back in 2012 I started blogging about this show every single week during the summer. All of us (me, family, friends) would gather around and watch. I publish comments from the peanut gallery – unfiltered and unapologetic. The honest truth. The show is good this year and now in the judges cuts for the top acts. I’ll be posting on it again… and YES WITH COCKTAILS. Do a search for previous blog posts on this show.

I have to add one note about this season’s “golden buzzer” choices. A small girl with a big voice sang a lovely song and received the “golden buzzer.” My daughter looked the girl up on Google and found that she’d been in talent shows all over Asia. No wonder she was so good on stage, so slick, and utterly fantastic in a practiced and staged way. Her parents have made her into an industry – starting with what they named her (after a famous singer.) Unlike many of the other children we’ve seen on the show I feel this child is exploited by her parents. There is nothing natural about her. This isn’t talent. This is force fed performance – like a trained dog or monkey. She is their cash cow – raised to be a cash cow. By the time she is 23 she’ll be washed up, but who cares – mom and dad can retire in comfort. It is too bad the guest judge who pressed the golden buzzer couldn’t have seen through the blatant exploitation of a small child.

Vampire Cocktails – two parts mixer, one part blood. Cheers. And never drink and drive.

Next Food TV Star

This season had a bunch of likable folks (except two who were just annoying.) In my opinion it was the best season ever. They are now down to the last three. All men. All fun. All guys you’d want to hug and have as neighbors. All great. My bets are on Jason, a wonderful guy from Tennessee with an accent that will melt your heart away. I could just eat him up. This man can cook and entertain. Let’s see what happens.

If you don’t want to win on this show do the following:

  1. Refer to yourself as “Mama” something.
  2. Talk non-stop about a distant country you identify with, that nobody has ever heard of, even though you are 5th generation American. Then rather than educating us, and sharing with us the wonders of your beautiful family culture, be so confusing about it that nobody knows what the crap you’re talking about.
  3. Be totally clueless in the kitchen.
  4. Show the other contestants how ignorant and helpless you are.
  5. Act surprised that you’re going to be on TV and have to talk about your food.
  6. Don’t know what a vanilla bean looks like.
  7. Make the other contestants want to cry when they are paired up with you.
  8. Don’t follow directions.
  9. Act like a Martha Stewart wannabe.
  10. Make some sort of shrimp and grits for every single challenge. Yes, we know you’re from the South, but I know damn well that folks from the South eat a lot more than grits.

Preacher

I love this show. I fucking love this show.

Life Below Zero

I’m hooked. Love Sue. Love the others too. But I wish they’d show more than just hunting and fishing. I’d like to see other aspects of their lives as well. We get a hint, but I’d like more. OK I admit, I watch for the foxes at Sue’s and the puppies with everyone else.

Forged in Steel

People make knives. No drama. They are craftsmen and women. They are awesome. Wow. Check it out.

Ink Master

Yes, we’re watching this weird and wonderful train wreck of a show. This year is a team effort (teams of two in competition against each other.) There is less drama and better ink than on previous shows. Thank you producers for raising the bar a little. And did I say better artists? Yes, they’re better than we’ve seen in years. Like most shows this is just something we watch together, talk about while we watch it, and don’t take too seriously. It is family time. Don’t like to watch it alone cause it just wouldn’t be fun. And Dave is still hot.

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first. Hey, look at the Vampire Maman tattoo (yes, he has a tattoo.) Is that me on his arm? Hell yeah!

 

So have a nice week everyone, and try to get outside too. Have fun – as only the summer can give you.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

ATG 2014 Final Twelve Party & Vampire Cowboy Cocktails

Cheers!

Cheers!

 

Tonight starts the final countdown with the top 12 talents for America’s Got Talent.

Nick’s suit is sort of a silvery white. Not bad Nick. Good color on you.

2014 is our 5th year watching this summer show. This is the 3rd year I’ve been blogging about it.

The entire gang is here tonight. My family, two of my four brothers, plus assorted friends and even a Werewolf pal and his girlfriend. Needless to say the peanut gallery will have plenty of comments about the acts.

But first, Teddy, my darling husband, is making cocktails.

Vampire Cowboy Cocktail

  1. 2 ounces vodka
  2. 1/4 fresh squeezed lemon juice
  3. 1/4-cup of cold beef broth
  4. 1/4 cup blood (leave out if you aren’t a Vampire)
  5. 3-5 dashes of Tabasco (or mix to taste with other hot sauces)
  6. A dash of ground pepper
  7. A dash of cayenne pepper
  8. A dash of kosher salt

Combine all ingredients in a shaker with liberal amounts of ice. Shake vigorously and pour into a chilled old fashioned glass. Garnish with a lemon slice (keep it round like a wagon wheel). Rim the glass with salt if you like that sort of thing.

I’m having a Lemon Martini.

 Now on with the show…

Acro Army

We love Acro Army

 

The line up is fantastic. The teens all want to see either Emil and Dariel the two young cello players or the ultra cute singer Miguel Dakota win. I tend to agree but I’d be happy with any of 9 of the 12 in the finals.

 

images

A little night music for the ladies

Below is a list of contenders with comments from the peanut gallery of Vampires and Werewolves in italics. Warning some of the comments are rude.

Sons of Serendip

The singer has beautiful eyes. I hate harps. I like harps. Beautiful voice. They sound so churchy but so pretty. I love this song. Who sings this originally? Elton John. Oh. If I’m not mistaken. Great voice. These guys aren’t scrubs. They’re real musicians. A horrible name for a band. Wow. They’re wonderful. They are good looking guys. They’re really handsome.

Aero Army

These guys are every bit as good as Circe Sole. This is like senior level big time stuff. Very tight. If they had a dog… If they had Scooby they’d win. Wow. Oh my gosh. Don’t drop her. This is great. They were good. They were tight. There again, it is what it is. They’re an opening act. Definitely talented. Wow. I’d watch these guys. Of all the groups we’ve seen like this they’re the best. Put your shirts on.

Blue Journey

I hope they do well. All the other dancers were tired. They’re the best. I Put A Spell On You, interesting. He is such a good dancer. Wow, she can really move. I would have done the james Brown Version. This is interesting. I like it. I love it. I’d pay to see them. They’re fun. They’re really good. That was good. I’ll vote for them. They have talent. Mel needs to shut the F up. Really? She (Mel) is pretty much brain dead. The judges are stupid. I like the dancing. They’re great. 

Emil and Dariel

They’re just so cute. Interesting choice for a song. Aerosmith. Get rid of the singers and tone the band down. The background is drowning them out. Very pretty. I like them. I thought they should have rocked the house. I really like them. They should be in the top 5 at least. They are darling. I wonder what our friend who plays the cello thinks. It wasn’t safe. It was a tough song. Playing it safe would have been what they did before. Nick’s suit is terrible.

David and Leeman

I adore these guys. They are so darling. Love their style. Fun lottery act. OMG how did they do that? OMG. Awesome. They get a vote from me! Very nice. I honestly thought they’d screwed up. The stupid judges didn’t even stand up for them. That was really good. If I was single I’d date them.

Miguel Dakota

Fantastic job. Hard song. We’re voting for him all the way. I hope he wins. We all do. He is the star.

Mat Franco

I really like him. Very good. I really enjoy his act.

Magic

We’re all concentrating on the results

Quintavious Johnson

Sweet kid but he can’t sing. Sure but he’ll win. He has no talent, nice kid but no talent. Nick has no talent. Cute kid but… He is just awful. It all sounds the same. It sounds off, so off. He is singing off key. He can sing one not. That’s it. He has good stage presence. He has no range. This is just putrid. You can’t compare him to Stevie Wonder NO NO NO NO. I’d rather hear James Spader sing that song.

Mara Justine

Sweet kid. She can belt out a song but…Ewwwwww that hurts. A little bit off. Nooooooo. Nice kid but…wait about 10 years and come back. Ouch. Big lungs. Uh oh. I thought that was her best performance but she just isn’t that good. Good job Mara I hope you don’t read my mom’s blog. I dunno.

Christian Stoineu and Scooby

Put a shirt on. I love the dogs. They are sooooo cute. Would you pay to see this? Not this guy. Its the dog. Everyone votes for the dog. I wish I could do that. Uh oh. Who gives a shit. He is good but not the million dollar act. I agree with Heidi he needed more dog. More Scooby.

Mike Supre

If he does a really good trick he could beat out everyone else. He can do it. Good stage presence. They have to give magicians more time. Hey dude get on with it. You’re losing me. I’d put Howie in the booth. I want to see him squeal like a girl. Wow. That was hecka good. Go get work.

Emily West

She’s ok. But as far as being amazing… I don’t know. NOOOOO bad choice of song. You can’t do Moody Blues. Nobody but Justin Hayward should sing that. This doesn’t highlight her voice at all. Her voice cracked there twice. No, this is not good. Don’t eat the microphone. No no no. That wasn’t that good. Pale imitation. Oh shut the F up Howie and Howard. Oh bullshit. I think Howard slept with her.

 

Dog Act

And don’t forget every good talents show needs a few dogs and cats

 

We all had a good time. Now only the spirits will tell who makes this round. Or we can all vote and find out tomorrow.

board

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Vampire Maman Bonus Post: 2-Second TV Reviews

2-Second TV reviews

Don’t tell me that you don’t watch TV because I know you do. I know you aren’t reading literary books and discussing Eastern Philosophy and organic farming techniques every single night. And I can say that because I like history and opera and I’ve read War and Peace. I don’t watch TV 24/7, but sometimes one just has to chill out and take a break.

This is just a small and unscientific sampling of things I’ve seen this season. Feel free to add your own 2-Second reviews in the comment section for shows I failed to mention.

Vikings

esq-viking-xlg-21314781

You’d think anyone that violent with that much artistic talent would be having a whole lot of fun. These guys are no fun at all.

Sherlock

A lot of fun. All the young girls like it for obvious reasons. Very British. Sometimes it drags a little.

Elementary

Elementary_S1_e

A fun and smart take on Sherlock Holmes, with a female Watson. They saved the show by not having the two main characters jump into bed. Witty writing.

Grimm

Watch-Grimm-Season-3-Episode-14-Online-Mommy-Dearest

We love this show. We love the characters. Grimm Rocks! That’s it.

Dracula and Hostages

Just shoot me now and poke my eyes out with a stick. Both had potential but ended up being just stupid with a lot of bad plot lines, melodramatic acting and general confusion. Plus exceptionally bad costumes in Dracula. Don’t bother.

CSI

Only Las Vegas is on now. What is up with all the caked on makeup on the women this year? Come on gals this isn’t Cathouse. Still silly and fun to watch with a cocktail.

Drive-in, Diners and Dives:

Food Pornography. We need a Vampire version of this show.

Almost Human

MV5BMzQ1NDQ3MjUxOF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMTY2MDczMDE@._V1_SY317_CR0,0,214,317_

This was almost good enough to capture my attention but then turned into just another bromance cop show. I hope it gets better (let me know and I’ll give it another try.)

Downton Abby

I’ve never watched this show. I don’t know why. For the longest time I thought it was Downtown Abby.

Are you the one (MTV)

Unknown

A bunch of unsuccessful daters are put together, each with a perfect match. They each get $50,000 if they find their match. This is a group effort. This is a train wreck that we can’t stop watching. We’re so pathetic.

Resurrection

We saw the first one. We all thought about people coming back but didn’t say much to each other about it. It is an old story. This one was done quite well. We’ll keep watching it.

Bate’s Hotel

I’ve never seen it but the kids say it is exceptionally creepy.

Bones

Read the books. You’ll thank me for it later.

Parenthood

Good production value… BUT these characters are sooooooo annoying. Too politically correct. Not good parents at all. Makes me want to scream – so I don’t watch it. My husband watches it when I’m not around.

Ripper Street

Not as good this season or as campy. Hmmmm. Somewhat confusing. Adding the Elephant Man was an unfortunate plot twist.

Naked and Afraid

We saw this once. The guy was an antisocial dick. The woman was sweet and deserved a better partner. The kids want to watch the new season and that makes me feel naked and afraid. Uh no, I think you have homework to do.

Modern Family

Brilliant and always funny. The smartest show on TV.

Parks and Rec

I didn’t think I’d like this one but find myself laughing every time.

Person of Interest

No weak female characters in this show. Woo Hoo. Am I sick and twisted because I’m starting to like Root?

Big Bang Theory

Too many sex jokes. I think it is running out of steam. Why do guys with such well paying jobs live in such a dump?

Ink Master

Always fun and a little weird. Dave Navarro is still smoking hot but needs to grow his hair out. Nobody is that good this year. Run human canvas run!

Hawaii Five-O

This show is so campy. It was sort of fun in a really stupid way (good drinking game material) until Steve’s girlfriend quit the Navy and became just another bimbo TV cop. She was smarter and sexier in uniform. Blah.

Justified

This season isn’t quite as wonderful as past seasons. I still enjoy the wonderful accents and plot twists, but I expected more this year. Maybe it will happen. I hope so.

Pawn Stars

I’ve seen things that I own on this program. Nothing is rare. Nothing is valuable unless two people want it bad enough.

Duck Dynasty

I don’t get the attraction. I don’t get it at all.

Oddities

Watch the New York show. The San Francisco show is too contrived and the people on it look like they’re wearing contrived Halloween costumes – not genuinely weird or original.

Too Cute

Too-Cute-2_6864

Nothing but puppies and kittens. No kidding. Feeling down? Watch this show. Feeling good? Watch this show. Warning – it is toxic cute.

Montessori Mafia

Doves with razor blades. No such show – my kids told me that one. Based on years of Montessori schooling. HAHAHAHAHAH.

TV-Watching

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

And have a happy pi day!

America’s Got Talent Night – is anyone watching except us?

TV-WatchingOK I have to admit this is a stretch…a Modern Vampire Family watching America’s Got Talent every summer and blogging about it. It is a stretch but LOOK it is happening right here and now…and you’re part of it. But maybe not because unlike last year, I don’t think anyone is reading my AGT posts this summer. Hmmmm. So if you perchance see this post I’ll be doing more space exploration, vampire stories, inspirational parenting stuff and fashion tips or whatever later this week. It has been one of those stressful weeks for me where I just need to unwind and clear my brain and watch talent shows and you know, silly stuff.

This summer has been somewhat of a disappointment (with AGT, I hope not with this blog).

Tonight only two acts (out of two hours of acts) stood out.

The first was Olivia Rox a 14-year-old singer. She was cute and poised and had a great style. And she sang that song better than the Beeb ever did (we’re not Beeb fans here). But Olivia, oh Olivia you rocked it.

The second was a Marine from Kentucky named Jimmy Rose. Jimmy is a former coal miner with deep roots and a deeper heart and soul. This guy has TALENT – FINALLY. And of course he has a million dollar smile. We were all digging the red cowboy boots. Go Jimmy Rose. We know you have a long musical career ahead of you.

The other acts that went through were ok and I’d better write them down before I FORGET them. It was sort of like a school talent show tonight. Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE school talent shows but this isn’t a school talent show. They’re looking for a million dollar act.

Mat, Hona and Dave played a HUGE guy like a drum. They were all from Salt Lake City. Wow. It was unusual and a lot of fun and sort of weird and wonderful and happy.

The Break Dancing Sword Swollower – Yuck.

The Skaters who did ice skating on plastic. Oh come on. They were so lame. Show me some real skating. Do it on wheels and do it well. Ho Hum and BLAH.

Sensations – danced with optics, black light stuff and stuff like that. OK but sort of a yawn.

Kid Hoochie Dancers Daniella and Yosha. Not cute. OK the boy was cute. The girl could have been cute but she was, well, a brat. Teddy (my husband) said she’ll be a stripper when she grows up and he will be a back up dancer for a Broadway show (not a bad gig). Clara (age 14) said “She seems like a little brat.” School show talent stuff – and you all know how I dislike small children shaking their booties like club dancers (exploitation)

212 Green from Harlem, NYC. A family of talented kids who have a sweet little band. Teddy and 17 year Garrett thought they had no talent. Clara thought they were just ok but not more. I thought they were really cute.

Chloe Chanelle age 11. A cute kid country singer. If she tells stories as well as sings she has a good future. She told hunting stories. Cute girl.

What was up with the random Balloon Lady?

And that is all I’m going to mention tonight. No cocktails tonight.

The highlight and lowlight – we learned there are arson fires in the area where we live near Sacramento, CA. That is so evil. Today our friends were evacuated from their home due to one of those fires. But our friend was on the news and looked good on camera as he spoke about living so close to the fire. We live in a high fire area. In light of recent events around where we live and all over the West, fire is scary and there are tragic consequences. Our memories are full of fires and tragedies. Please be careful and report any suspected arsonists.

Listen to Smokey Bear and if you’re home on Tuesday night watch America’s Got Talent with us. We can compare notes.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Four judges this year  - so far so good.

Four judges this year – so far so good.