Summer TV Update (with Vampires, guilty pleasures, cooking, movies, AGT, and more)

Fall is just around the corner. I know that because I am painfully aware that books for the fall quarter for two college aged kids will run around $1,600 – $2,000, maybe a little less if they are lucky enough to get used books. But on a good note, the summer TV season is still in full swing.

I know I’m not the only person on the planet who is NOT watching Game of Thrones. I was turned off the first season by all of the gratuitous doggy style sex in every single episode. Really? Come on folks mix it up. I think that is an HBO thing. Seriously it gets annoying after a while (like after the first five or six times within an hour.) There were also a couple of other annoying things. I tried to read the first book and couldn’t get through it due to the writing style. It was well written, but I just couldn’t get into it. Hey, I have read a lot of fantasy, more than most, and a lot of difficult literature (which I loved) but I couldn’t get into Game of Thrones. Sort of like I can’t get into any Wally Lamb book (sort of like waiting in Hell, I mean on hold with any technical support department with any cable company, phone company, or eBay.) But if you like it then go for it. Have fun. As us Vampires say, “sink your teeth into it.” And there are dragons. Dragons are always exceptionally cool.

I also don’t watch Dr. Who. Never have. Never will. I will not discuss the subject. Period.

By the way, I have a funny bit. This morning my husband answered the phone at some early still-dark hour. He said, “Microsoft Technical Support,” and presto – the caller was gone. HA HA HA. I love that man.

So what stupid things have I been watching this summer? Not a lot. Mainly movies. Mainly small indie films. I’ll do another post for summer theater films (maybe) later. This is what I’ve watched and highly recommend that I’ve seen on cable.

Juliette’s Short List for Summer Movies You Can Watch On Your TV or Computer:

  • The Fundamentals of Caring
  • Shimmer Lake
  • I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore
  • Tangerine

Note: All of these are small Independent films. Good stuff. None of them will make you want to strangle me after you see them. Please see the ratings and descriptions before you watch them with kids. 


The Bachelorette

Late one night, while I was alone, I discovered The Bachelorette. I discovered Rachael. Who couldn’t love Rachael. She is a beautiful, lovely, charming, sweet woman from Texas.

I usually don’t get hooked into this stuff but I did. I watched it in secret without family or friends. I wouldn’t admit to anyone that I was following Rachael’s adventures. But I couldn’t stop watching it.

You know, if it was a guy picking out a girl from the usually room full of chicks in too high of heels and too tight dresses I wouldn’t have watched. But this was different. This was so different. I’m not going to even try to explain today. Maybe later. Not today (I have stuff to do and need to finish this post.)

She started out with about thirty guys who all wanted to marry her, or at least get the chance to find out if they wanted to marry her. Each week she’d give a rose to the guys she wanted to keep in the running. The guys all stayed together in a stable, I mean house. Some were nice. Several were real douches. Some spent their time back stabbing other guys. That got them nowhere. In the meantime Rachael went around the world having romantic adventures with the fellows and FINALLY picked the last THREE. Oh what a heart break and what a sweet ending.

She picked…one of my favorites…the right choice… Bryan. Woo Hoo. I wish them a long happy life together.

I hope it works out for them when reality sets in. You know the reality I’m talking about. How will they handle it when one of them gets sick our injured? How will she deal with his weird high school friend Kyle? What about their morning routines, holidays, decorating styles, views on how they’ll raise their kids, where they’ll raise their kids, morning coffee breath, what they watch on TV and a variety of weird things? Life after dating can get complicated – yes, that is what marriage is. Marriage is rewarding but it isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work, and it isn’t always romantic.

I still can’t believe I got sucked into this. Awww, must be the romantic in me. Hey, Peter, dude, you blew it.

America’s Got Talent

This is my flagship show. What I mean by that is that when I first started this blog back in 2012 I started blogging about this show every single week during the summer. All of us (me, family, friends) would gather around and watch. I publish comments from the peanut gallery – unfiltered and unapologetic. The honest truth. The show is good this year and now in the judges cuts for the top acts. I’ll be posting on it again… and YES WITH COCKTAILS. Do a search for previous blog posts on this show.

I have to add one note about this season’s “golden buzzer” choices. A small girl with a big voice sang a lovely song and received the “golden buzzer.” My daughter looked the girl up on Google and found that she’d been in talent shows all over Asia. No wonder she was so good on stage, so slick, and utterly fantastic in a practiced and staged way. Her parents have made her into an industry – starting with what they named her (after a famous singer.) Unlike many of the other children we’ve seen on the show I feel this child is exploited by her parents. There is nothing natural about her. This isn’t talent. This is force fed performance – like a trained dog or monkey. She is their cash cow – raised to be a cash cow. By the time she is 23 she’ll be washed up, but who cares – mom and dad can retire in comfort. It is too bad the guest judge who pressed the golden buzzer couldn’t have seen through the blatant exploitation of a small child.

Vampire Cocktails – two parts mixer, one part blood. Cheers. And never drink and drive.

Next Food TV Star

This season had a bunch of likable folks (except two who were just annoying.) In my opinion it was the best season ever. They are now down to the last three. All men. All fun. All guys you’d want to hug and have as neighbors. All great. My bets are on Jason, a wonderful guy from Tennessee with an accent that will melt your heart away. I could just eat him up. This man can cook and entertain. Let’s see what happens.

If you don’t want to win on this show do the following:

  1. Refer to yourself as “Mama” something.
  2. Talk non-stop about a distant country you identify with, that nobody has ever heard of, even though you are 5th generation American. Then rather than educating us, and sharing with us the wonders of your beautiful family culture, be so confusing about it that nobody knows what the crap you’re talking about.
  3. Be totally clueless in the kitchen.
  4. Show the other contestants how ignorant and helpless you are.
  5. Act surprised that you’re going to be on TV and have to talk about your food.
  6. Don’t know what a vanilla bean looks like.
  7. Make the other contestants want to cry when they are paired up with you.
  8. Don’t follow directions.
  9. Act like a Martha Stewart wannabe.
  10. Make some sort of shrimp and grits for every single challenge. Yes, we know you’re from the South, but I know damn well that folks from the South eat a lot more than grits.


I love this show. I fucking love this show.

Life Below Zero

I’m hooked. Love Sue. Love the others too. But I wish they’d show more than just hunting and fishing. I’d like to see other aspects of their lives as well. We get a hint, but I’d like more. OK I admit, I watch for the foxes at Sue’s and the puppies with everyone else.

Forged in Steel

People make knives. No drama. They are craftsmen and women. They are awesome. Wow. Check it out.

Ink Master

Yes, we’re watching this weird and wonderful train wreck of a show. This year is a team effort (teams of two in competition against each other.) There is less drama and better ink than on previous shows. Thank you producers for raising the bar a little. And did I say better artists? Yes, they’re better than we’ve seen in years. Like most shows this is just something we watch together, talk about while we watch it, and don’t take too seriously. It is family time. Don’t like to watch it alone cause it just wouldn’t be fun. And Dave is still hot.

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first. Hey, look at the Vampire Maman tattoo (yes, he has a tattoo.) Is that me on his arm? Hell yeah!


So have a nice week everyone, and try to get outside too. Have fun – as only the summer can give you.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Dracula Lives


Oh the romance with Vampires. Who doesn’t love a well dressed blood sucking man coming into their bedroom in the middle of the night? Nothing makes you feel sexy like the scrape of a fang against your neck, or the sound of your heart beating with fear in your exposed chest.

Monster magazines and comics have always been, and always will be popular. My favorites are the Fanzeens – wonderful publications created by fans.

The artwork is absolutely beautiful in the fanzines and small craft publications.

The artwork is absolutely beautiful in the fanzines and small craft publications.

Yesterday I visited my friend Steve who somehow ended up with boxes of monster magazines that he is now selling on ebay (super cheap thrills – priced to sell.) Of course I was immediately attracted to the artwork on these things. I’d frame a lot of this stuff. Just imagine a wall of eight or nine framed pieces in a square arrangement. Nice.

I’m just going to share a few so you can get your classic movie type Vampire fix (since you usually don’t get it here since I’m not that kind of Vampire, well, not usually.)






Just when you think you have some privacy with your girl and somebody else shows up…



What’s for dinner? Stakes!


Monster Magic from Forest J Ackerman

Monster Magic from Forest J Ackerman


Vlad to see you. Vampire thrills for everyone! Cheap thrills too.

Vlad to see you. Vampire thrills for everyone! Cheap thrills too.


Hope you enjoyed the artwork.

This week more and more old monster, Vampire, Frankenstein, Aliens, Star Wars, and other related film magazines and comic books will go up for auction. All auctions start at $0.99. Yes, everything is going for cheap. There are also “buy it now” opportunities. Some of the descriptions are as good/fun as the magazines.

The seller is sfk1999. He usually specializes in watches, estate jewelry and other antiques, but lucky for us this week he has monsters and Vampires.

And today a couple of Peter Cushing autographs are going up for sale. Woo Hoo.

Click here to the link for one of the auctions then check out everything else he is selling:

If you’re interested in buying everything left in this huge stash Steve has (a lot hasn’t been posted yet on ebay) call him at his shop: Crown Precious Metals, Sacramento California (in beautiful East Sacramento.) (916) 456-6227.

Have fun.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Every generation thinks the next generation is worse. That isn’t true.

Teens have always had their own style.

Teens have always had their own style.


Opinion: Juliette Kings

Every generation thinks the next generation is worse. That isn’t true.

Facebook is full of memes saying …

When I was a kid we were polite, we respected our elders, we were beaten with switches and had our mouths washed out with soap… 

Oh screw that. I’ve always seen RUDE hateful mean despicable young people. I’ve seen it for decades. They learn it from their elders. They learn it from those same parents who are posting those stupid memes.

The teens (and little kids for that matter) in my life are polite. They are respectful. They are great. And you know what? I didn’t have to resort to paddles or other barbaric violent means of teaching them how to be good.

I think back of when I was young and saw unspeakable things done to other children. I remember them being physically and emotionally tortured. I remember children being humiliated by their unloving abusive parents. These were “normal” two parent Christian households. Throw not the first stone they say, but these people should have had stones thrown at them. When I look back I can’t even say out loud, or write the words of what some of the children I knew when through – it is too disturbing. But I can see patterns in the type of parents they had. Some things never seem to change.

Fortunately now there are resources, though not enough, for children who need help. There is never enough help. Foster care isn’t an answer. Family counseling isn’t a solution. These kids need new permanent families who love them, even if it isn’t a traditional family.

I see families where step-parents are the real parents. I see single dads and moms raising kids on their own and the kids are GREAT. I see kids doing great things. I see them talking about everything. I see them questioning the world. They need to question. They need to have their own opinions in order to grow.

Well mannered and polite teens are more of the rule. They aren’t the exception.

The teens in my life have more empathy than anyone of my generation ever had. They are smart. They are focused. They like old people.

They question the world around them. They want to make the world a better place.

The media would have you think otherwise.

If you want the teens and young adults in your life to show respect then you have to give some respect as well. You need to listen to them. I don’t mean “blah blah blah” sort of listening. I mean hearing what they have to say. I mean respecting their opinions even if you don’t agree. I mean explaining things to them if you’re pissed off rather than yelling at them.

Show them that their time is as important as yours. Because it is.

Yes, of course there are kids who are assholes, bullies, trolls, turds, tattlers and trouble makers. But look at their parents. The adults they live with are usually assholes, bullies, trolls, turds, tattlers and trouble makers. Unfortunately for the rest of us, and for teachers, there are one or two of those children (and their awful parents) in every single classroom.

And you know what? It is those asshole parents who post those negative memes. So screw them. If they want respect they have to show a little respect. Show a little interest. Get out of your own head and your own tiny little world. Learn something new.

Fortunately by the time kids are in high school a lot of the assholes (and others) have learned that their behavior gets them nowhere. Teens aren’t playing by playground rules anymore. Assholes are put in their place, and a lot of them realize what jerks they’ve been. It is called growing up.

In AP History the 11th grade students are reading Huckleberry Finn. My daughter and I have discussed the book and the context of the book considering when it was written.

She said, “Huck’s father was just like the white trash, or any of the trash that you see now. They don’t want their kids to do better than they did. It is awful.”

So if you see a kid who is an asshole consider the source. Consider who that child is learning from. Maybe that kid can learn from you. Think about it.

It isn’t Vampires you should fear. It is apathy. It is lack of empathy. It is people refusing to listen to everyone, young and old.

You need to study history because if you don’t know where you’ve been you can’t understand where you are going.

In turn, we need to look forward to the future. We need to listen to the young people and have open discussions with them. For they are the ones who can change the future. Now is a scary time. Now is the time to listen to the teens and young adults. They can see with a fresh eye all of the bull shit the rest of us have become numb to.

So stop complaining and see the incredible talent and resources right in front of us – in our young people. If you’d just open your eyes, your ears, and your heart you will see what I see.

Spend some time with a young adult – some real quality time. It isn’t all smart phones and hook ups. It is a lot more.


~ Juliette aka The Old Vampire Maman




Ask Juliette: Cheating Spouses, Kids, Dating and Vampires.

Ask Juliette

Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone!

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on

These are real questions from real readers. If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to:


We have some tough questions this week, along with some tough answers. These are REAL questions from REAL readers. Alright, hold on tight – here we go.



Dear Juliette,

How do Vampires deal with cheating spouses?

~ Dan G.


Dear Dan G.,

Is your spouse cheating on you? Bloody Hell that can’t be fun. And you can’t kill the cheater because, well he or she is already more or less dead. Or are YOU the one cheating? If it is you then be afraid, be very afraid. It is bad enough if someone holds a grudge or gives you the stink-eye for a couple of weeks, but imagine a couple of centuries. That could be brutal.

I gotta tell you, Vampire don’t deal with cheating spouses very well. That is the main reason few Vampires get married.

Of course if one is married to a warm blooded Regular Human that is another story. You shouldn’t cheat. You shouldn’t be dishonest. You should be good but sometimes the urge to be with one with a heart that does not flutter, and the scrape of fangs along, well, any body part, is um, hard to resist.

I know that most people imagine we kill our cheating spouses. But honestly we just don’t cheat. We’re pretty complacent when it comes to relationships. Passionate, but we make it work. Forever means forever.

But you know, if there is an occasional slip with a warm blooded someone you are having for dinner, don’t sweat it. That happens. Everyone plays with their food every once in a while.

~ Juliette

This is not my bed. I don't sleep in a box.


Dear Juliette,

I’ve been made aware of a situation that could benefit from the unique advice of a vampire mom: an orphan who ran afoul of a Vampire while in foster care and survived an attempt to turn him.

While the boy didn’t become undead himself, he was left alive with a few unique abilities in addition to his memory of the experience. He hasn’t adjusted well but keeps his secret, and adults haven’t been able to get through to him even though they sense he’s hurting.

Another Vampire close to the situation is considering taking a more active role in his development. As a survivor of a similar attack herself, she’s afraid she’ll only do him harm but hopes the boy can relate even with a ten-year age difference. She is considering enrolling them both into a shared activity like martial arts as a means to built trust and get him to open up naturally, but she has serious doubts and wonders if she shouldn’t just stay as far away from the situation as possible.

What would a Vampire mom do to help the boy in this situation, a parentless child in need but not a blood relative?

~ Asking for a friend.


Dear Asking,

What a wonderful thought. Yes, do help this child. Everyone needs someone they can talk to who won’t pass judgment. Every child needs to feel normal, even when deep down inside he knows he is a little bit different.

Vampires are known for helping out those in need. One of my own brothers has adopted several Regular Human children over the years. They turned out just fine. Granted they ended up with sort of a sick and twisted sense of humor, but they had great lives. Everybody needs a Vampire in their life – the earlier the better.

A shared activity would be fantastic. I don’t recommend martial arts due to the amount of antiques, especially art pottery, you’ll find in Vampire homes. Children tend to get excited and like to practice their kicking and flailing about.

Consider Artistic Roller Skating. I’m serious. It is a unique sport in which all ages can participate. It is figure skating on wheels. American dance can be mastered by just about anyone. You and the child can do creative dance routines or even freestyle routines. Competitions are fun and you get to wear fabulous costumes. Plus off of the floor skate rinks tend to be dark. Seriously, it is a great sport. My daughter and her dance partner are National Champions. The teens just love it and the little ones are soooooo cute (even the Vampire kids.)

If you don’t have a roller skating rink in your area try ice skating. If ice skating is unavailable consider rock climbing or fly fishing. Even bird watching is fun. My cat loves it. Even race walking can be fun and it looks goofy as Hell. You’ll laugh so hard your fangs will hurt. Oh, and my husband Teddy (who I’d never cheat on) just suggested bee keeping and slam poetry.

Encourage him not to feel icky or out of place, or weird because of his unique abilities. Everybody is different and we need to embrace those differences.

No matter what you do with the child know that you are doing the right thing.

And remember family is a group of individuals who love each other and care for each other. It doesn’t matter if they’re related by blood (no matter where that blood comes from.)

~ Juliette

Vampire Teen


Dear Juliette,

Do Vampires have a soul? Some religious cults say they don’t… but knowing you I would say you do… what is the truth?

~ Soul Sister


Dear Soul Sister,

Like zealots, charlatans and politicians, some Vampires have souls and some don’t.

Yes indeed, we do have souls, at least some of us do. In fact we have two souls. One is our own and the other is for the shadows. Vampires own their own souls, which means we can’t sell them. This bugs the jebbers out of demons and old Nick himself, but screw him. We don’t need all of that mess anyway. And stay clear of angels. Holy crap they can be sanctimonious.

But completely owning your own soul has a certain amount of burden attached to it. Trust me on this one. It can be a lonely existence.

Like I always say, over and over and over, converting someone into a Vampire is risky business. If you don’t do it right, or do it with malice, you will end up with a soulless Vampire. You see, one dies in a way and if the soul is allowed to escape then they’re screwed. Those are nasty nasty shadow creeping creatures that I cannot abide. Nobody wants to be around them. That is when we call in the Vampire Hunters.

As for the rest of us, we’re just fine. I have a bunch of posts on the subject. Let me know if you want the short list (a few links are in this answer.)

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

How prevalent is depression and mental disorders in Vampires?

~ Fangs A. Lot


Dear Fangs A. Lot,

To be honest with you we’re all pretty happy and sane.

Unfortunately Vampires have their melancholy wracked nights just like Regular Humans. Other mental disorders not so much. The chemical makeup is different. Want to talk about depressed, talk to Werewolves. Those guys have it bad. Awww man I feel sorry for them.

But, that doesn’t mean someone can’t be nuts. You know what I’m talking about. We all know crazy ass people who don’t have anything wrong with them.

~ Juliette

vampire wing award


Dear Juliette,

After several dating disasters I have to ask. How can you tell the difference between a goth and a vampire? I mean like, you go to sink your fangs…. Er, nibble a little bit on your date’s neck and he turns into a Goth Vampire wanna be who freaks out at the site of blood. What the hell is up with that?

~ Lotte


Dear Lotte,

I hate it when that happens. What is wrong with some guys? Seriously? I am so sorry you had to deal with that. All Goth and afraid of a little blood. He is the real prick on your neck for sure.

A girl can never be too careful when it comes to dating. When dating there are several factors to check.

  • Is his skin cool?
  • Does he have a pulse?
  • Is he reflection fuzzy?
  • Does he avoid telling you his real age?

If that happens again immediately take away his man-card and send him on his way.

~ Juliette


Well folks, I’m done for today. If you have any burning questions about parenting, relationships or just about anything then ask away. I’ll answer next Thursday on ASK JULIETTE.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Yes I did. Now go to your room.

Yes I did. Now go to your room.

Oddities and Ends

Have you ever had one of those days when you look somebody in the eye and tell them, “You will fail as a Vampire.”

This isn’t one of those things someone can practice and master. You either have what it takes or you don’t.

Yes, it has been one of those days.

Cocktail time.

A lot of people come to this blog looking for directions on how to become a Vampire. Either that or wanting to know how a Vampire turns someone into a Vampire.

It isn’t how you think and you aren’t going to hear about it from me.

I can only imagine what would happen if the world filled up with completely unsuccessful, pitiful, failure Vampires. It would make great reality TV with names like “Blood Sick,” and “American Vampire,” or “Vlad Knows Best.” Or on MTV it would be called “Reality Sucks.” No thank you. And no intervention shows because you can’t go back.


Next week Clara and I are going to be on the road. We’re leaving the boys at home for a big sporting event in a city with few entertainments. My plan is to finish a book I’ve been working on for a while. Clara’s plan is to win every single event (or do her best) and work on AP History and AP English summer class work.

The book is not about Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts or other paranormal beings. There are no Gothic overtones. It is just a novel with a lot of twists and turns and I hope… I hope I can pull it off.

And yes, I’m going to have an editor look at the book before I send it out into the world. You’ve read this blog. You I can’t edit.

The only reason I’m telling you about this is an excuse to use the wonderful Christopher Lee Vampire Meme about writing created by my creative friend Jason Kemp (J Harrison Kemp.)



And yes, you should be writing.

I should be writing, so have a good evening. Enjoy the shadows, enjoy those you love and do something creative.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Guys are stupid

Clara (15): If a guy hangs out with girls other guys call him a fag. If a guy never hangs out with girls other guys call him a fag. If a guy is gay everyone says “that’s cool”  and they call him a fag behind his back but only around his guy friends, unless he is one of the really cool gay guys, then they just say “nice shirt.”  I don’t get it. What is up with the boys at school?

Garrett (18): Guys are stupid.


be nice


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman (and I’m celebrating my 900th post on this blog today. Yes, this post, this blog. Take a look back to see if you’ve missed anything.)