Rules For My Young Adult Vampire Children

When I started this blog my youngest was in Middle School. Now my Vampire children are now 18 and 21. They’re both in college and have jobs. They’re adults. Holy shit. They’re adults.

Mind you they aren’t those creepy kind of Vampires who look like teens and go to high school and college forever. They are just like other college students. The only difference is that they’ve always been Vampires. No big deal.

It is time for another one of my famous bulleted lists.

A Few Rules for Young Adult Vampires:

  • Stay away from fan fiction. Don’t read it. Don’t write it.
  • Don’t spend money you don’t have. Pay cash.
  • Don’t cook with wine you wouldn’t drink. You know where I’m going with this. The same thing applies for the necks you choose to bite.
  • Don’t drink bad wine or cheap booze.
  • Keep an open mind.
  • Listen.
  • Read for fun.
  • Vote.
  • Wear sunscreen and sunglasses even when it is raining.
  • If someone asks you to turn them into a Vampire always say NO.
  • If someone asks you if you’re a Vampire always say NO.
  • If you feel uncomfortable the answer is always NO.
  • Being somebody else’s trophy or arm candy is ALWAYS in bad taste.
  • Don’t have your social media accounts under your own name.
  • You’re not a bigot if you avoid Demons, Goblins, or Black Eyed Children.
  • It is ok to be afraid.
  • It is ok to mourn the dead.
  • It is ok to laugh out loud in public.
  • It is ok to not care what others think. You’re a Vampire. Why should you care?
  • Don’t stay in a relationship out of habit. Stay in it out of love and mutual respect.
  • Break up with your bad habits.
  • Don’t date assholes.
  • If someone asks you to move into a crypt with them always say NO.
  • Don’t sleep in coffins. You don’t have to.
  • You don’t have to be a leader, but never be a follower.
  • Learn how to get blood stains out of all kinds of fabric. Keep the cleaning supplies handy.
  • Never be tempted to drain someone of all of their blood. Then you’ve killed them and you have to deal with a body. It isn’t cool. Don’t do it, even if you’re having a party with your friends.
  • Avoid Zombies.
  • Keep basket ball shorts on the court.
  • Try not to let your bra show, especially the back strap. Nobody wants to see that.
  • If you don’t take yourself seriously nobody else will.
  • Avoid humorless Vampires.
  • Don’t worry about Werewolves. They tend to take care of themselves. I know they tend to be tacky dressers, loud, and rude, but don’t get into it with them. You’ll always win, but do yourself a favor and avoid it.
  • Don’t start collecting animals until you own your own home. Your parents have enough animals and don’t need anymore.

I could go on for another hundred points but not today. Sure they know most of this, but it is always good to remind them. Gently remind them.

They might be adults, but they’re still your kids.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman



Short Story Sunday: Being A Vampire

Down the dark alley they went, a father with one hand holding the smaller hand of a young child, and his other hand gently on the back of an older child.

They went into a door that led into a club, the old kind of club with leather furniture, cigars, and distinguished members.

“Gustaf,” said the father, who was named Duncan, “we need a table. Get the children some pie, apple if you have it. Ice cream with the pie would be even better.”

Gustaf, the old doorman nodded, then winked at the children before he trotted away.

Duncan took his children into a lounge area with a large bar at one end. They sat at a table by a window that looked out onto the lamp lit street.

He got himself a glass of wine at the bar, and lemon aid for the children.

“Are you having pie Daddy?” The younger child, a small boy named Justin, asked.

“Daddy doesn’t eat pie,” said the girl. She was sixteen and named Anna. “Daddy doesn’t eat much food. He drinks blood. You might do the same when you grow up.”

Justin looked sad. “No pie at all?”

“No pie,” said Duncan, “but that is fine because I had more than my share when I was your age.”

Gustaf brought out large pieces of pie to the hungry children, complete with ice cream. He also brought an elegant black glass goblet for Duncan. “I thought you’d like this sir. It is fresh, just caught tonight.”

Duncan thanked the old man and then turned to his children.

“When I was young, and when you were babies, I was like you. When I fell in love with your mother I was like you. Some who tell stories such as mine would have said then everything changed. A lot of things changed, but the one thing that did not change, or will not change is my love for you. I will always love you, with a fierce protective love that will never die, even after we are all dust and our sun burns out into a tiny piece of cold cosmic coal. I will always love you that much.

I will love you until you are old and ancient. I will ALWAYS be there for you. If one day, by chance, you decide to become a Vampire like me, I will help you into the life in the shadows and highlights, and I will support you, and always be there for you.

That is what a father does.

I will be there for your children, your grandchildren, and their children, and for all of have passed down our love over the generations.

Your mother and I didn’t plan on becoming Vampires, but it isn’t something we took lightly. It wasn’t exactly and accident. When you are older we’ll explain, but it is difficult.

What will never change is that we are your parents. You will always be safe and protected. You will always know both light and dark, day and night, life and the edge of humanity. We will do the same for those you love, and those you will one day love in the future.

Our fate is sealed. You have the choice to be whatever you want. We will back you up. We will cheer you on. We will never leave you. But there will also be times when you must make your own choices and decide which paths you will take. We won’t try to stop you unless we see you stepping off of a cliff or into the fires. Yes, I will pull you from the fires of Hell if I have to and smack the Devil himself across the face if I have to. And I will not be afraid. I will never be afraid of doing anything for you. Maybe afterwords, but never before.

Your mother and I died and came back as something else. Friends who loved us brought us back. We are so different, but our love is the same, and maybe even stronger. It isn’t easy, but it is who we are now.

So here we are, and we’ll have pie. The pie is always good here. And we’ll share stories, and I’ll even tell you joked that will make you groan, and stories that will amaze you.

I am not a monster. I am just a dad, like any other dad. I’m just a little different, but that’s ok. Life will never be boring.”

Anna took her father’s hand, “I love you Dad. You seriously didn’t think it mattered to us that you’re a Vampire did you?”

Justin laughed, “more pie for me. I love you Daddy.”

Duncan smiled. Life was good, even when you’re undead.


~ end


Short Story Sunday at





How to write a response to a love letter (which is more fun if it isn’t addressed to YOU)

Love letters… everyone is in love with posts about love letters. As you know I cover all sorts of subjects on this blog ranging from teens to terror to ghosts to the elderly to… well ev…

Source: How to write a response to a love letter (which is more fun if it isn’t addressed to YOU)

Ask Juliette: Cheating Spouses, Kids, Dating and Vampires.

Ask Juliette

Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone!

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on

These are real questions from real readers. If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to:


We have some tough questions this week, along with some tough answers. These are REAL questions from REAL readers. Alright, hold on tight – here we go.



Dear Juliette,

How do Vampires deal with cheating spouses?

~ Dan G.


Dear Dan G.,

Is your spouse cheating on you? Bloody Hell that can’t be fun. And you can’t kill the cheater because, well he or she is already more or less dead. Or are YOU the one cheating? If it is you then be afraid, be very afraid. It is bad enough if someone holds a grudge or gives you the stink-eye for a couple of weeks, but imagine a couple of centuries. That could be brutal.

I gotta tell you, Vampire don’t deal with cheating spouses very well. That is the main reason few Vampires get married.

Of course if one is married to a warm blooded Regular Human that is another story. You shouldn’t cheat. You shouldn’t be dishonest. You should be good but sometimes the urge to be with one with a heart that does not flutter, and the scrape of fangs along, well, any body part, is um, hard to resist.

I know that most people imagine we kill our cheating spouses. But honestly we just don’t cheat. We’re pretty complacent when it comes to relationships. Passionate, but we make it work. Forever means forever.

But you know, if there is an occasional slip with a warm blooded someone you are having for dinner, don’t sweat it. That happens. Everyone plays with their food every once in a while.

~ Juliette

This is not my bed. I don't sleep in a box.


Dear Juliette,

I’ve been made aware of a situation that could benefit from the unique advice of a vampire mom: an orphan who ran afoul of a Vampire while in foster care and survived an attempt to turn him.

While the boy didn’t become undead himself, he was left alive with a few unique abilities in addition to his memory of the experience. He hasn’t adjusted well but keeps his secret, and adults haven’t been able to get through to him even though they sense he’s hurting.

Another Vampire close to the situation is considering taking a more active role in his development. As a survivor of a similar attack herself, she’s afraid she’ll only do him harm but hopes the boy can relate even with a ten-year age difference. She is considering enrolling them both into a shared activity like martial arts as a means to built trust and get him to open up naturally, but she has serious doubts and wonders if she shouldn’t just stay as far away from the situation as possible.

What would a Vampire mom do to help the boy in this situation, a parentless child in need but not a blood relative?

~ Asking for a friend.


Dear Asking,

What a wonderful thought. Yes, do help this child. Everyone needs someone they can talk to who won’t pass judgment. Every child needs to feel normal, even when deep down inside he knows he is a little bit different.

Vampires are known for helping out those in need. One of my own brothers has adopted several Regular Human children over the years. They turned out just fine. Granted they ended up with sort of a sick and twisted sense of humor, but they had great lives. Everybody needs a Vampire in their life – the earlier the better.

A shared activity would be fantastic. I don’t recommend martial arts due to the amount of antiques, especially art pottery, you’ll find in Vampire homes. Children tend to get excited and like to practice their kicking and flailing about.

Consider Artistic Roller Skating. I’m serious. It is a unique sport in which all ages can participate. It is figure skating on wheels. American dance can be mastered by just about anyone. You and the child can do creative dance routines or even freestyle routines. Competitions are fun and you get to wear fabulous costumes. Plus off of the floor skate rinks tend to be dark. Seriously, it is a great sport. My daughter and her dance partner are National Champions. The teens just love it and the little ones are soooooo cute (even the Vampire kids.)

If you don’t have a roller skating rink in your area try ice skating. If ice skating is unavailable consider rock climbing or fly fishing. Even bird watching is fun. My cat loves it. Even race walking can be fun and it looks goofy as Hell. You’ll laugh so hard your fangs will hurt. Oh, and my husband Teddy (who I’d never cheat on) just suggested bee keeping and slam poetry.

Encourage him not to feel icky or out of place, or weird because of his unique abilities. Everybody is different and we need to embrace those differences.

No matter what you do with the child know that you are doing the right thing.

And remember family is a group of individuals who love each other and care for each other. It doesn’t matter if they’re related by blood (no matter where that blood comes from.)

~ Juliette

Vampire Teen


Dear Juliette,

Do Vampires have a soul? Some religious cults say they don’t… but knowing you I would say you do… what is the truth?

~ Soul Sister


Dear Soul Sister,

Like zealots, charlatans and politicians, some Vampires have souls and some don’t.

Yes indeed, we do have souls, at least some of us do. In fact we have two souls. One is our own and the other is for the shadows. Vampires own their own souls, which means we can’t sell them. This bugs the jebbers out of demons and old Nick himself, but screw him. We don’t need all of that mess anyway. And stay clear of angels. Holy crap they can be sanctimonious.

But completely owning your own soul has a certain amount of burden attached to it. Trust me on this one. It can be a lonely existence.

Like I always say, over and over and over, converting someone into a Vampire is risky business. If you don’t do it right, or do it with malice, you will end up with a soulless Vampire. You see, one dies in a way and if the soul is allowed to escape then they’re screwed. Those are nasty nasty shadow creeping creatures that I cannot abide. Nobody wants to be around them. That is when we call in the Vampire Hunters.

As for the rest of us, we’re just fine. I have a bunch of posts on the subject. Let me know if you want the short list (a few links are in this answer.)

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

How prevalent is depression and mental disorders in Vampires?

~ Fangs A. Lot


Dear Fangs A. Lot,

To be honest with you we’re all pretty happy and sane.

Unfortunately Vampires have their melancholy wracked nights just like Regular Humans. Other mental disorders not so much. The chemical makeup is different. Want to talk about depressed, talk to Werewolves. Those guys have it bad. Awww man I feel sorry for them.

But, that doesn’t mean someone can’t be nuts. You know what I’m talking about. We all know crazy ass people who don’t have anything wrong with them.

~ Juliette

vampire wing award


Dear Juliette,

After several dating disasters I have to ask. How can you tell the difference between a goth and a vampire? I mean like, you go to sink your fangs…. Er, nibble a little bit on your date’s neck and he turns into a Goth Vampire wanna be who freaks out at the site of blood. What the hell is up with that?

~ Lotte


Dear Lotte,

I hate it when that happens. What is wrong with some guys? Seriously? I am so sorry you had to deal with that. All Goth and afraid of a little blood. He is the real prick on your neck for sure.

A girl can never be too careful when it comes to dating. When dating there are several factors to check.

  • Is his skin cool?
  • Does he have a pulse?
  • Is he reflection fuzzy?
  • Does he avoid telling you his real age?

If that happens again immediately take away his man-card and send him on his way.

~ Juliette


Well folks, I’m done for today. If you have any burning questions about parenting, relationships or just about anything then ask away. I’ll answer next Thursday on ASK JULIETTE.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Yes I did. Now go to your room.

Yes I did. Now go to your room.

Kind of like worms in that weird old kid’s song

As I sit pondering… the cat walks over to the dog bowl and check it out. There is nothing there she desires.

It is odd how random thoughts go in and out. Kind of like worms in that weird old kid’s song.


The worms go in

The worms go out

The worms play pinochle on your snout.


Anyway, on the way home this morning, after dropping Clara off for a Mock SAT test, I was thinking about what I’d write today. Junior year in high school is busy. All week long she has been seeing college recruiters and now tests. Mock SAT today (the new test), PSAT next week during school, then the real SAT and ACT. Then the AP tests. Then my mind goes off in other directions. What songs would I include on a play list for old boyfriends? It has been a while since we played wii Just Dance. Garret’s vintage clothing collection that he swiped from his father’s closet is making waves at college. I thought about a blog about wearing vintage clothing and jewelry – should I write it? What would happen if we (Vampires) told the world what we really are? How would that change the presidential debates. Holy crap, now THERE is an idea. I’ll write about that next week for sure. I thought of love letters and graveyards and the drought and coffee and about putting up my Halloween decorations.

Wait… just a second… I will be right back.

I felt a presence outside but refused to lift the shades. And like my bad cat who scratches the walls to wake me up, a ghost, THE GHOST, materialized in front of me. He sat at my table, in the round turret breakfast nook, right across from me.

He did not look happy. In fact he was glaring at me. His black hair hung over his forehead and covered one eyes. Today he wore his black suit, the one he was buried in (in 1986).

Before he could say one mean nasty comment I spoke first.

“Nigel, did you know The Cars have been nominated for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?”

He brushed his hair out of his face, uncovering a bloody gash in his forehead. The gash vanished. He looked perplexed. I know he’d planned on saying something vile or rude. I know he’d planned on using the word fuck, as in “fuck you Vampire.” He is such a lovely and thoughtful ghost (said no Vampire ever.)

After we sat for a while as I sipped my coffee Nigel finally spoke up. “Too bad they didn’t get nominated when Benjamin Orr was alive.”

“Coffee?” I had to ask. Nigel nodded.

I put a cup of coffee in front of the ghost. He inhaled and closed his eyes with a slight satisfied smile.

“Los Lobos was nominated,” I told him.

“Local boys. Good choice. Who else?”

“Deep Purple, Cheap Trick, Yes, the Smiths, Steve Miller, Chicago, Chaka Khan, and Janet Jackson. There were a few others.”

“Janet Jackson? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“I kid you not.”

“Fucking Janet Jackson?”

“Hey, you’re preaching to the choir.”

He took in another breath of coffee. His form wavered in and out of transparency and opacity.

“So the Giants won’t be going to the World Series this year?”

“Unfortunately not.”

“I don’t know what happened to my record collection.”

“Did you leave a will?”

“Sure, but not specifics like that. I was only 26 when I died.”

“Do you want me to check it out for you.”

“No, it would just piss me off.”

“Nigel dear, everything pisses you off.”

“Pretty much.”

“Is that a ghost thing?”

“No. It is a Nigel thing.”

His eyes grew black and he glared at me. I knew the rage was building up. Ghosts are such tormented souls, not to mention major assholes most of the time.

“Hey Nigel,” I said. “I’m going to put up the Halloween decorations while Clara is at her mock SAT test. Do you want to help?”

His eyes went back to normal and the rage vanished from his pretty face. “Sure. Sounds like fun.”

“What are you doing for Halloween this year?”

He smiled. “I’m going to be a ghost. How about you?”

“I don’t know. I thought about being Little Hagrid, or maybe a Vampire.”

We both smiled and finished our coffee.

I have to go pick up my child now. Have a good weekend everyone and thanks for dropping by.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Teenage Jungle

Hey baby, let me finish my cigarette and we’ll take the SAT test together. I hope your score is smokin hot high because stupid boys never get lucky with me.


Black tea

Splashed with fruit

A reminder to

Get up, Get up, Get UP NOW

To the sleeping teen

Even though it is dark outside.

Monday comes,

School day,

New beginnings

For everyone.


Be inspired!

Be inspired!














And so it is. That is new beginnings and new attitudes and making changes.

But school is school. It seems that mornings are easier now, more than ever. The high school aged child is getting up and actually looking forward to school. The college age one still drags but with a new sense of urgency (so he tells me.)

I’ve been working on new things as well and finishing up old projects. The past month has been difficult and filled with loss and stupidity. I try to write to inspire or give some humor. We’ve laughed a lot but I just haven’t written it down. Sometimes my mind and fingers don’t match up – or don’t want to match up. It is sort of like telling my dog to go outside and she either sits down or goes to her bed and won’t budge.

But today is Monday. I will watch the moon fade away and the sunrise over the trees. We’ll talk on the way to school about all sorts of things.

The thing that stays clear is that we find ourselves and know ourselves. Then we need to stay true to ourselves. That is difficult when doubt is alway lurking around like a gargoyle ready to dump sludge down it’s spout onto your head. I guess the moral there is to watch for downspouts or always carry an umbrella.

I don’t believe in sheltering children in a world that is filled with monkey’s covering their faces and embracing ignorance. To over protect is to open them wide to vulnerability and ignorance of a world that can hurt them, or keep them from a world that can enlighten them. I hope that each and every day will enlighten them. A new day and a new sunrise. Yes, the birds are singing. Friends will be at school. Teachers will like them. It will be a good thing – this first day of a new week.

So rise and shine. Even if you’ve already risen or live in the shadows or want to go back to bed – shine. Just try. I’m going to.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman



vampire teens