Burning Question #20: Observe the Flirt

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It is now time for me to tease you with another Burning Question!

I like my men to be confident, smart, and flirty.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

But some people have a less than lovely view of flirts. They have a somewhat vile view of flirts.

Some believe flirts hurt.

From the Royal Path of Life (1883)

Flirting is a horrid outrage upon the most holy and exalted feelings of the human soul, and the most sacred and important relation of life. It is a vulgarism and wickedness to be compared only to blasphemy. It had, and still has, its origin in the basest lust. The refined soul is always disgusted with it.

You can read the entire text at the end of this post – AFTER you click your answer on the poll. It is from my own copy of the highly entertaining and educational publication.

If the passage above is true then my husband Teddy, who also happens to be a Vampire, and an outrageous flirt would be considered a crass unrefined soul. That makes me so sad. Even now he flirts. If he walks into a room he can make any woman feel beautiful. He can make any man laugh. He is charming and such a flirt. Is that wrong?

But what about when flirting is mean spirited. Maybe it isn’t really flirting, or is it? That is the burning question.

Some think it should be an Olympic sport. In that case I’d have a case full of medals. My husband would have a warehouse full.

So I’ll put it to you…

Burning Question #20: Is Flirting a Good Thing?

 

If you have an opinion or statement, or want to flirt with me or anyone else around here please leave a comment. It would be fabulous and delightful.

xoxo

I’ll see you next Saturday for the next BURNING QUESTION.

In the meantime, I wouldn’t recommend you flirt with disaster but if you must, you must.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

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Memories, Parenting, Shared Stories, and Growing Up

My daughter turned nineteen yesterday. That now means I’m officially a parent of those who are exclusively adults.

With the kids in my life getting older it beings back a flood of memories from the time I was a little bit older than two years, to my childhood, and somewhat embarrassing and adventure filled young adulthood.

I hope that all adults, especially those with children, and I mean children of any age, can remember way back when. I don’t mean like those memes you see on Facebook that say “When I was a kid we jumped off of cliffs, played with guns and live hand grenades, went swimming in snake infested rivers, stayed out until dark, exclusively dined on fried food and sugar, and put our hands into garbage disposals, used chain saws unattended, and we’re still alive. Kids these days are spoiled assholes.”

Having children brings up random memories. Sometimes these are fearful. Sometimes they bring a sigh of relief because your child is not doing the same thing as you did. Sometimes they are happy, or bittersweet because of a time you loved that will never be again.

Yesterday I thought about how I waited on the front porch of our house with my mother and my brother Valentine as we watched my three older brothers walking off to school. They were fourteen, thirteen, and nine. Val was almost five. I was almost four. I remember telling my mother that I wanted to go to school. Val was silent on the issue. He’d already started to read on his own and had no plans on going to school. Not ever. He never told my parents so he missed his opportunity to be an exclusive self learner. I didn’t learn to read until I was six and didn’t master it until I was about eight.

I thought about how much I like my daughter’s boyfriend, and my son’s girlfriend.

And the most random memory came into my head. I dated a guy named Orin once who was nice. He had a dog who was nice and a nice sense of humor. His home was nice. What wasn’t so nice was the fact that his sister lived with him. Gertrude seemed nice at first despite the fact that she was loud and exceptionally out spoken. But then it got weird.

Wherever I went with Orin Gertrude would be there. When Gertrude would talk Orin would stop whatever he was doing and give her a dreamy look. Gertrude was the expert in everything and he would defer to her on everything. She monopolized every conversation. Eventually everything we did was what Orin and Gertrude wanted to do. In fact that only reason I think I was around was because Orin didn’t want to have sex with his sister. She already had dibs on all of the other girlfriend functions. It was like dating married man who brought his wife along, only weirder. So the last time I saw him I invited him for cocktails. I said we could do something afterwords. A few nights before I told him that I was bothered that Gertrude, or Gertrude and her boyfriend were always along. I wanted some time with just him. He brought Gertrude along. As we sipped our drinks Gertrude talked and Owen gave her dreamy looks and said nothing out of his goofy love stuck smile. I left after I was finished with my drink and never saw him again.

I’ve told that story to my kids. They think it is exceptionally creepy. Siblings are great. Just not like Owen and Gertrude.

This morning my daughter Clara and her boyfriend left for a camping trip on the north coast. I thought of a camping trip long ago with my friend Amelia.

I was living in Sacramento. Amelia was living in Las Vegas. So we met half way in the southern part of the Sierra Nevada Mountain Range, where the highest mountains in the lower 48 are. We were at Devil’s Post Pile, an amazing geological formation. As we set up our tents I heard seals. This was great. Last time I went camping on the beach we heard seals too.

I said to Amelia, “Do you hear the seals?”

She said, “Those are mules.”

Then I remembered we were three hundred miles from the ocean, and in the mountains.

I’ll attribute my memory fade to a four-hour drive in my sports car with the top down. Brain bake. Or maybe it was just me, because sometimes I’m like that.

Amelia is still in Las Vegas being fabulous. I’m still living near Sacramento.

Amelia and I are still having adventures. I heard the seals, aka mules, years before I ever had children. Now Amelia and I have grown daughters. I think our hearing is a lot better now. Parenthood will do that to you.

By the way, I haven’t heard seals in the mountains since then.

I was also with Amelia on my 19th birthday one hundred and forty years ago, but I won’t tell that story today.

In both storytelling and parenting use what you know. Use the truths from you experiences to teach your children. Entertain them with your stupid stories so maybe their stupid stories won’t be so stupid.

We all connect through our stories. Our stories make us who we are. They are something we can share at no cost, except maybe a little embarrassment.

I love to listen to stories and memories others have to share. It doesn’t matter if you’re sitting around a campfire, strolling through a museum, or hanging out at home. What matters is that we listen with open minds, open hearts, and a sense of humor. And add in some love.

Yes, even Vampires, despite the misinformation out there about us, know about love. We know a lot about love – and stories. So be like a Vampire and tell your story and collect stories from others. You’ll thank me for it later.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

vm darling girl

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dating A Dead Guy (or friends don’t fix up friends even when they’re sober)

I was visiting with a single friend of mine today and she said something interesting.

“Desdemona wanted to fix me up with her friend Jacko. The guy has no job, no ambition, lives with Desdemona and her husband, and has nothing in common with me.”

I had to smile in amusement. Desdemona equates a man with a pulse, and single status, and maybe a penis, as the someone who would be a great match for any of her friends. Those are the only three requirements. When I was single, way back when, she did the same with me. It drove me nuts. No I never met any of the guys.

She’d also leave out whether the guy was a Vampire, a Werewolf, a Zombie, a regular guy, or a serial killer. Things like job status, education, interests, personality, health. looks, and having a sense of humor, or even being remotely interesting would be pushed aside. All she would see was two people who she thought needed to be married. It didn’t matter who they married. That wasn’t important.

Friends don’t let friends hook each other up. Sure you can have a party and invite single people who might like each other but PLEASE don’t be a matchmaker for your friends.

This is nothing more than a short public relations message from me.

If you absolutely NEED to fix up friends ask yourself the following questions:

  • Does that person have a pulse?
  • Do they have a descrenable personality?
  • Do they live with their parents?
  • Do they have income?
  • Is it legal?
  • Do they like dogs and cats?
  • Do they read? Can they read?
  • Do they have any common interests?
  • Are they matched physically? Yes, you don’t want to match a couple who is on the opposite ends of the looks chart. It might sound shallow but I’m just being real.
  • Are they a Vampire (assuming your friend is)
  • Would they make a good Vampire or want to ever be one?
  • What about religion. That can get ugly.
  • Are they prone to joining cults?
  • What are their political views?
  • Do they go out in the sunlight?
  • Does one of your friends have a weird habit or trait that your other friend might find too weird or offensive.
  • If they get together and break up will you lose two friend? Will you lose even one friend?

This isn’t rocket science. Think before you match up your adult friends. It is offensive when to try to match up friends or family members with a dud.

THINK. 

Again… this has been a pubic service announcement from Vampiremaman.com

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Coffee and Swine: A weird tale of romance (and it is ALL TRUE)

For the past hundred years, maybe a bit longer, my brother Val has owned a beautiful Victorian in downtown Sacramento. Occasionally I use it as a meeting place, or working space. Occasionally he lives there. For the past few months he has lived there.

Most of the 4,000 square feet is beautifully restored but most of it isn’t used. The kitchen is in working order, he has an office, a spectacular bedroom taking up a good portion of the top floor, a bathroom, and a small sitting room with a huge TV. The rest is empty.

So anyway, I met him there for coffee this morning. Yes, Vampires drink coffee. Yes, my brother and I are Vampires. Most of our family and friends are too.

I got to his house and he was playing some Mario Brothers on the Wii. Oh man, I hadn’t played that for years. I was Princess Peach. He was Yoshi. We’re always Princess Peach and Yoshi.  We played a racing game with steering wheels. Val won two games. I won three. Not bad considering I’m the little sister.

After we played for a while then Val gave me a serious look. “There’s something I want to tell you about. I’ll make coffee,” he said.

As we stood in his kitchen, coffee cups in our hands he told me about something really weird.

“You know that woman I was seeing, Madison?”

“Sure,” I said, “she’s the one who teaches Animal Science classes at U.C. Davis. Right?”

“Right. Animal Science. She works with swine.”

“Swine. Like Pigs?”

“Pigs are her speciality. I was over at her place last night. She lives in the country, on kind of a farm. Her house is really nice, comfortable, clean. She, um, has a couple of Black Lab mix sort of dogs, some chickens, and pigs. She has some pigs she said she’d rescued. She isn’t going to eat them. They’re huge, maybe six hundred pounds each.

We had a couple glasses of wine, and she suggests we go out to her hot tub. Juliette, she wasn’t kidding when she said hot tub. It was a large old fashioned bath tub that she’d converted into a hot tub.  We stripped down, got in the water, started to fool around, then she told me to turn around. She said she wanted to give me a back rub. She started to scratch my back. I though she was scratching my back with her fingernails. I could feel her hot breath on the nape of my neck. Then she snorted. I turned around and, Juliette, I couldn’t believe what I saw.”

“What Val?” I asked.

“I was sitting in the tub with a pig. Madison had turned into a pig. She is a shape shifter. I already knew that but I thought she was a Werewolf.”

“You thought you were sleeping with a Werewolf and you knew it? Oh my God Val. You thought she was… does she know you’re a Vampire?”

“Yes, we both went into this knowing we were, you know, different, not regular humans. Madison is smart and funny. You know, I thought I’d take a chance. I knew it would never get serious. But I thought she was a Werewolf, not a Shape Shifting Swine.”

“Your girlfriend is a pig.”

“When I saw her she squealed. It was like the voice of death. Then jumped out and ran away. I got out, dried off and went into the house. She was standing in her bedroom in a robe, still transforming. It was horrible. I can’t even describe it. Now I know why she had so many weird stretch marks along her sides.”

“Oh Val. What are you going to do now?”

“I’m not sleeping with her again. That’s for sure. She told me that she’d dated a guy who was a Werewolf in the past but when the moon was full she was always afraid he’d eat her. Then she told me that she is still seeing him.”

“Wow, that is brutal.”

“It got me off the hook. Weird. I never drank her blood… just sex. It got me thinking. I have to be more careful.”

We had more coffee and talked more about relationships and other things, but it always came back to Madison, the Shape Shifting Swine Woman.

Val put his hand up to my neck and touched my necklace. “Cute. I’ve never seen it before.”

I was wearing a necklace made of puffy Victorian heart charms my husband Teddy and the kids had given me for Mother’s Day about ten years ago. My children had crawled into bed with me. The had a pretty pink box all tied with a bow. I still treasure the memory.

Maybe one day Val will find someone. Hopefully someone who isn’t a pig.

We made more coffee and watched the squirrels from the kitchen window as they ate all of the food out of the bird feeder. We didn’t stop them. You never know, they could have been someone we knew.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Wake up!

Thank you for reading my entry for  The 2018 Evil Squirrel’s Nest Contest of Whatever.
For contest information and rules (check it out for a laugh and for this thing to make more sense) https://evilsquirrelsnest.com/2018/01/28/the-fifth-annual-contest-of-whatever/

Last year I was the WINNER of the Contest of Whatever with an installment of Shelf Critter Theater. Click here to see it.

Or check out all of my past Contest of Whatever entries below:

Vampire Diary: Shelf Critter Theater

Yes it is complicated (almost as much as a unicorn, a squirrel and a possum going into a bar…)

Vampire Diary: Game Day

Three True Tales of Terror (with teens, rats and possums) – with illustrations

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: Dirty Talk, Romance, and Dump the Chump Edition

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire, Advice for Everyone) is a somewhat regular Thursday feature at Vampiremaman.com

This week brings an interesting variety of questions about dirty talk, love, romance, vampires, and rude people. Let’s get started.

Ask Juliette

My boyfriend always asks me to talk dirty to him when we’re having sex. I don’t know what to say. I feel stupid.

Um, well, I could give you some specifics but I’m sure you’d still feel uncomfortable. I’d feel uncomfortable.

Try starting out with compliments, and of course a few well placed adjectives. Or just giggle when he asks you to do the dirty talk. Giggles are cute. Guys like cute. This is so personal that giving advice is difficult.

One big sex rule for me (and all Vampires) is to never do anything in bed you aren’t comfortable with (that includes putting a step-stool on the bed to change an overhead light bulb, but that is a different post.) So my advice would be to tell him that you want to SHOW and not TELL.

Ask Juliette

My girlfriend and I have been together two-years and things are starting to look serious. We share interests, friends, and a lot of interests. Sex is great and we’re still romantic. My problem is that she doesn’t like what I do for a living. I make really good money but she hates what I do because to her it doesn’t sound impressive. She is all hung up on dating someone who is a doctor, attorney, CEO, or other stereotypical male power job. I told her that her attitude was shallow and sexist. She broke down in tears. By the way, I’m a nurse (RN) specializing in pediatrics. I’m proud of what I do.  This is getting to look like a deal breaker for me. 

Excuse me? You didn’t mention this woman was NUTS. Dump her. You rock!

By the way, nobody should ever make anyone feel guilty or ashamed of their chosen career/job. If you do honest work, be it blue or white collar, or no collar, there is no reason ever to be ashamed.

Ask Juliette

I wrote my boyfriend a love letter for our six month anniversary. He read it, then proceeded to correct my spelling and grammar. He thought what he did was funny, then when I didn’t laugh, he told me to stop being all butt hurt. The next thing you know I was getting a lecture on how I need to up my game, and maybe go back to school and learn how to write better. He is really sweet, and a good man but he is always giving me suggestions about everything I do. Should I ignore him? Go back to school? Or just stop writing love letters?

Dump him. Suggesting you hone your writing skills is one thing. Doing it with a love letter is just wrong. What he did was insensitive and mean. For God’s sake it was a love letter, not an SAT essay. There is nothing sweet about what he did. What a jerk.

Ask Juliette

 

Do Vampires and Werewolves date? 

No, not really. Why’d you ask?

 

Ask Juliette

The man I’m in love with is a Vampire. I haven’t acted on my hot desire for him yet. I’m afraid he might kill me because that is what Vampires do to humans. The last time I saw him he called me an endearing name and kissed my cheek. I think he might have feelings for me too but if we fall in love I will die.

Are you for real? Give me his name and I’ll tell him to stay away from you.

Ask Juliette

Dear Juliette,

I am not a Vampire, but I was wondering if it is safe to date a Vampire Hunter.

Not really. Most of them are pretty stupid, and prone to mishandle dangerous weapons.

Ask Juliette

How do Vampires deal with having to drink blood from other people? Isn’t that the most egregious violation of personal space one can commit?

Egregious. I like that word. It is a big word. Good for you. Maybe you should run for President.

No, taking blood is not the most egregious violation of personal space one can commit. In fact some people like to have a Vampire in their life. We take blood, but we give back so much more. Now go away.

Ask Juliette

Now that I’m thoroughly exhausted from answering this odd lot of questions I think I’ll call it quits for today. I’ll have more love letters for February coming up this week. And thank you everyone for not asking about woodchucks.

If you have a pressing question, or are just curious about anything just ask. Put your questions in the comments here, or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail. com

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Friday the 13th means Romance (with Vampires and Werewolves)

Vampires don’t eat much real food. We do a bit, but not a lot. So what do we do on dates? Romantic dinners of blood lust stalking unsuspecting victims? No, not when we’re looking for romance.

We’re pretty much like regular people, you know, the kind with beating hearts, and warm blood.

My brother Valentine is taking a new Vampire friend of his out tonight. He REALLY likes her. They’ll go out for a glass of wine, or cocktails, someplace with a nice view, or outdoor seating. They’ll talk. And if they do hit it off who knows where it will lead. If the opportunity is there they might go for a midnight hunt, but I doubt it. Val doesn’t like to hunt on a first date. He’ll have sex with anyone (almost) on a first date, but rarely will he hunt with a woman until he knows her better. They’ll just end up at Val’s place with a bottle of Poet’s Blood, clean sheets, and a lot of candles.

But TONIGHT it is Friday the 13th AND a full moon. Now this is exciting and kind of cute and romantic. On nights like this is when Werewolves LOVE to propose to the future mothers of their pups. With Werewolves rubies are their stone of choice.

Imagine running through the woods, or on a beach, as a magnificent wolves, then howling at the moon together. Then as they lay naked together back in human form, he finds his pants, then out of the pocket pulls out the beautiful ruby and diamond ring and pops the question. I expect to hear a communal sigh from my readers right now.

I will be spending this Friday evening with my family (hence this super quickly written post from my mom-spot at skate practice) and maybe a Friday bottle of philosopher blood, or maybe some Chocolate Mocha Blood concoction for teenage Clara. My husband Teddy and I both have our regular Friday lunchtime blood donors, so no hunting tonight. And of course we’ll give our kitties a little extra attention, but they don’t care what the day is. If you’re a cat there is no Friday the 13th, or any Friday. Because if you’re a cat, everyday is a holiday.

Knowing my brother Max, the alpha male, tall, dark, and handsome Vampire male, he’ll be hunting with his friends, in the worst way. So watch for a good looking hazel eyed guy you can’t resist, and run. Run fast. Run hard. But if for some reason he does catch up to you, it might be the most thrilling night of your life. You never know.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman