“She was weird.”
That is what my brother Val told me when I asked him about a woman he’d met at a party at my brother Max’s house last month.
I have four brothers. Max is engaged, Andy is occupied and in love, Aaron is married, and Val is unattached. Like me, they’re all Vampires. We’ve always been that way. Anyway, back to my story about my single 161 year old brother.
This morning he came in from San Francisco. I figured he was still wearing a scarf around his neck because it was still cold outside, or he was just making a fashion statement.
“Why was she weird?” I asked.
“Lots of things.” Val told me. “She asked if I’d ever had baby blood. Then she went on and on about the old days and how Vampires dined on children. I told her it was bull shit and bad form. We were brought up better than that.” He ran his hand through his hair, something he did when he was flustered.
“Yuck,” I said. It was pretty yucky.
“She wasn’t born one of us. She was fascinated by the fact that I was. I hate it when other Vampires treat us like we’re magical or something.”
“She seemed pretty normal on your first date,” I said
“I know. I thought she was a bit forward and kind of quirky, but she was fun. Damn, she is gorgeous too. Not that looks are everything, but it helps.”
“We’d been out to a couple of jazz clubs, then went back to her place. She was acting pretty normal by then, you know, not saying weird things. We started making out. It was nice. Then she ripped my shirt open and bit my neck. Not just a little love bite. She sunk her fangs into me.”
“I pulled away and she ripped my flesh. She fucking ripped my neck open.”
“Val! Let me see.” I unwrapped the scarf from his neck. There was a gash where he’d put a butterfly over a two inch rip in his neck. Usually we heal faster than regular warmer blooded folks, but this was bad. Vampire on Vampire bites take longer to heal than most injuries. The area around the gash had started to turn purple and yellow.
“I swear I thought she was going to bleed me to death. I grabbed her and pulled her off of me. Then she had the audacity to tell me that I was hurting her.”
“What a bitch.”
“She was fucking crazy. After that you know what? She wanted me to go to bed with her. She laughed at me and told me how much she wanted me. No way in Hell was I going to spend another minute with her.”
“My blood was dripping down her chin.”
“Then she texts me this morning asking me if I want a third date.”
“What did you do?”
“I blocked her.”
Val’s dates usually don’t go like this. In fact he has less drama in his world than any Vampire or regular person I know.
A while back I wrote a post about dating advice Val had for other guys. Keep reading.
First posted in 2012
Uncle Val’s Advice on Women (for Vampires but it works for everyone)
My brother Val is visiting for the weekend. My kids Garrett (age 16) and Clara (age 13) adore him.
That said, he decided Garrett needed some advice on women. Not that Garrett needs it – every girl in his high school has a crush on him. Sometime I think he has a crush on every girl as well. But he is level headed and smarter than most boys his age when it comes to girls. Yes, Garrett is a bit of romantic but that’s ok with me. I’d rather him be a smart romantic than a stupid player.
Val is a 156 year old Vampire who definitely does not still live in the 19th century. He is single and savvy. He is also sweet and exceptionally caring, especially about the elders and children of our family and friends.
So this is how the conversation went.
Clara: Boys are stupid.
Val: Yes, they are.
Garrett: What about me.
Val: You’re her brother. You don’t count.
Garrett: What about girls? They aren’t perfect.
Val: Women are crazy but the craziness depends on the level of psychosis. They’re also smarter than we are so just admit it and let them know that.
Me (Juliette): So I’m smarter than you.
Val: No, you aren’t.
Me: Why is that?
Val: You’re my baby sister.
Me: You said boys are stupid.
Val: They are.
Teddy (my husband): He’s right.
Val to Garrett: Vampire girls are independent these days. It used to be that you’d just bring them a few small children or a baby and they’d be happy.
Clara and Garrett together: That’s gross.
Val: We don’t do that anymore.
Teddy: WE never did that.
Me: Your grandparents never did THAT.
Val: My point being that most Vampire women like to hunt for their own food. They don’t need guys to bring it to them.
Teddy: Keep digging Val.
And then we talked about general behavior and a few funny and awful stories but in the end Val passed on his time honored rules about women. Here they are…
Uncle Valentine’s General Rules About Women – If you like them and want to keep one around.
- Don’t talk about how much you love beer on the first sip. And I say sip. Don’t glug it. And unless you’re talking microbrews or party planning don’t talk about beer. Even then keep it brief.
- Don’t act like you are having a love affair with your car, motorcycle or truck. She doesn’t give a shit.
- Wear a decent shirt. Button down is best. Roll the sleeves up and show your forearms off. Women think that’s hot.
- Don’t act like a dog and paw all over her. Wait for her to give a signal and be a gentleman for God’s sake. Get crazy in bed after she says she wants to get crazy….excuse me my sister reminded me we have teenagers in the room.
- Use good table manners.
- Don’t take the last cookie unless you ask her if she wants it.
- Don’t talk about your ex-girlfriend/wife. Mention the ex once then STOP talking about it.
- Don’t bring her small children or babies…just kidding. But really, don’t do it. Vampires aren’t into that anymore.
- NEVER criticize her hair or tell her that she is too fat or too skinny – not even in a nice way. DON’T go there.
- If she clings and cries RUN AWAY.
- If she is needy RUN AWAY.
- If she is mean to you RUN AWAY.
- If she complains about everything RUN AWAY.
- If she shows more than a hint of jealousness RUN AWAY.
- If she talks about her ex too much RUN AWAY.
- If she wants you to buy her everything or complains you don’t spend enough on her RUN AWAY.
- If she laughs when her dog bites you RUN AWAY.
- If she is a Werewolf or a Goblin RUN AWAY.
- If you love her…just be careful. Make sure it is real and not infatuation.
- If she is a regular human and not a Vampire DO NOT GIVE HER YOUR HEART.
- If she isn’t a Vampire NEVER turn her into one. Don’t even think about it. Talk to me about this later.
- If you like her – tell her so.
- Have fun. Don’t lead her on. Don’t let her lead you on.
- Respect her.
- Show her respect. And expect her to respect you.
- If she is not a Vampire don’t use her for your main food source. In fact, if you’re dating don’t use her as a food source, period. Don’t mix food and sex or love.
- Women are crazy but you gotta love them. I love women. They’re like a drug and like any drug you don’t want to abuse it or over use it. Take what you need and don’t be greedy.
“OK Val, I said. I think that’s enough advice for the night.” I said.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman