Yes it is complicated (almost as much as a unicorn, a squirrel and a possum going into a bar…)

unicorn

Yes it is complicated (almost as much as a unicorn, a squirrel and a possum going into a bar…)

When you belong to a Vampire family the dynamics with other people, creatures, living things in general can get complicated.

My brother Andrew is staying at our house for a few days. He’ll be performing at one of the larger clubs with a semi-well known band (they get some radio play) later this week. Andy is an opera singer but he’ll sing anything in any style with just about anyone if asked.

Last night was a lovely clear evening so we (Andy, my husband Teddy and I) went out on the deck for a glass of wine. Aside from Andy being my brother he is also close friends with my husband. They grew up together back in the days before Teddy even knew what a Vampire was (but that is another story.)

I always had to smile at Andy and his personal sense of style. He was in a velvet vest, white shirt with french cuffs and jeans. His chestnut colored hair fell straight to his shoulders. Of all of us siblings (all 5 of us) Andy was the one who held on to the 19th century we all grew up in more. But that wasn’t always a bad thing.

To make a short story even longer… it is February so the conversation turned to romance. Well sort of.

I wondered how he was getting along with his new girlfriend Shawna.  He’d met her when he’d stumbled upon her camp in Patagonia (yes, THAT Patagonia.) She was digging for dinosaurs. I’m not exactly sure what he was doing there. Andy tends to just wander the world at times when he feels, well, like he needs to. By the way, Shawna isn’t a Vampire. Yes, it is complicated. And yes, she has met our mother which makes it even more complicated.

I asked about Shawna so Andy vented.

“Shawna knew why I’d gone out. It really wasn’t any of her concern. But when I got home she wouldn’t touch me. I assumed she’d understand that I can’t live off of kale and tofu. I need human blood to survive. She couldn’t get past the idea of me drinking blood then kissing her. For God’s sake by then I’d brushed my teeth and we’d had a couple of glasses of wine.”

He looked at us expecting a response but we let him continue to vent. “It isn’t as if I’d had blood dripping down my chin.”

“Give her time,” I gently told him then thought how stupid that sounded.

“I even had a baby unicorn but that ended badly as well,” said Andy.

“What were you doing with a unicorn? Oh my goodness Andy.” It has been years since I’ve seen a unicorn.

“Keeping it for James.” Andy said. James is a friend of Andrew’s. James is sort of nuts but he does lead an interesting life.

I have to admit that one of the cutest things in the universe is a baby unicorn. They’re like tiny iridescent donkeys or maybe a cross between a fawn and a pony, with all of that tiny baby sweetness. Their little hooves look like white mother of pearl. And there are few things as soft as a baby unicorn nose. Oh my goodness they’re precious. Best of all they smell good – like jasmine and roses.

Andrew continued his sad story. “As soon as Shawna walked in the room the unicorn started to cry. I’d forgotten that they’re afraid of humans. And forget the bull crap about being pure at heart. It doesn’t matter. There she was standing in the room with this baby screaming at the sight of her. It was a disaster.”

Yes, love is rare, but not as rare as a screaming baby unicorn. Sigh.

“I can understand Shawna’s fears,” said Teddy.  “I know how repulsive we seem to humans.”

Andy gave Teddy a glare. “Repulsed? How could she be repulsed? I’ve been nothing but wonderful to her. I’ve literally swept her off her feet. I’ve made her feel things she thought she’d never feel.”

Teddy patted Andy on the shoulder. “You’ve made her feel fear. Remember I used to be like her.  It took me weeks, actually years to accept the reality of Vampires and the fact that we’re not completely evil or completely dead. The very idea of a Vampire is more terrifying than, well, than she was to that baby unicorn. Maybe even more so because humans know we’re on the top of the food chain over them. It puts fear and disgust in them like cannibals or serial killers.”

“But if they tried to understand…” said Andy.

“What we do is morbid and disgusting,” said Teddy.

“They drink coffee that has been pooped out of a cat. What can be more disgusting than that?”

“Civets. The coffee is expelled by civets.”

“Whatever Theodore. Humans don’t know anything about us or what we do,” said Andy.

“And we need to keep it that way. I don’t know why you let her know you were a Vampire in the first place. It was a bad move on your part Andy.”

“But…”

Teddy gave Andy one of those looks. The kind that teenagers dread. “Andy, you can’t expect someone to suddenly embrace something they’ve feared their entire life. I don’t care how many times you tell her that you love her. We’re the undead evil, just above zombies and ghosts.”

“Not to mention ticks and werewolves,” I added in.

The soft sound of moving branches distracted us. Climbing up the Italian Cypress to the deck rail came another nocturnal creature. It was Teddy’s possum. For the past year the possum had been making nightly visits and Teddy had decided to make friends with it. He spoke quietly to the soft gray creature and handed him a few raw peanuts he’d put in his pocket earlier. The Possum sat still while Teddy brushed its beautiful coat. She looked at us with her black possum eyes and showed a little bit of primitive sharp toothed possum grin.

Possums are gentle and often misunderstood creatures. Nobody ever hears of a possum attack but people still fear them. Sure sometimes they might have rabies or fleas but for the most part they’re harmless. I wouldn’t recommend you try to pet one or pick one up, but Teddy has a gift with animals and he is a Vampire. And like our possum friends we (Vampires) are also misunderstood.

“You can’t keep a possum as a pet Andy, just like you can’t keep a human as a pet,” I told my brother.

“Shawna isn’t a pet,” Andy said. He scratched the possum between it’s ears as it sat quietly.

“Maybe not, but she isn’t a Vampire. I know you lived with Aurora for almost 50 years, but that was the exception. That was something extraordinary. She never feared us. She never saw us as unnatural,” I said.

Andy looked out at the night sky as if he was looking for Aurora, a woman he’d lived with until her death from old age. She stayed with her until the end, never pressuring her to become a Vampire, never leaving her side. We all loved Aurora. Maybe too much. Despite the heartbreak she was a gift, like all of our dear human friends. We’re sad for her passing but we wouldn’t trade the sadness because of the love.

We all knew Shawna was warming up to the idea that she was living in a world populated by bizarre creatures and strangeness that she could never have imagined. Then again, she studied dinosaurs so she knew about strange creatures that defied imagination, logic and all reason. Time would tell.

I said good night (good morning to us) around 4:00 am to Teddy and Andy. The kids were sleeping due to school and their daytime schedules.

Around 7:00 am, just as the sun came up I was in my dining room, laptop open, glancing out through the windows at the trees. The Possum had gone to her bed, but on the deck rail was a squirrel. This particular squirrel is always out in the morning doing a little dance with jerky movements while his squirrel friends jump through the oak trees like circus acrobats. He stands in the sun and eats from the window box and from the bowl of nuts and seeds I leave for him. He’ll turn his head and look at me but he isn’t afraid – at least not unless I open the door for a closer look or try to take his photo. When I go outside sometimes he barks at me with his odd almost unearthly squirrel voice. I call him my friend, but he’ll never consider me to be in his inner circle. But that’s OK. He’s a squirrel. That is all I need him to be. And he never needs to know I’m a Vampire.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

everybodylovesapossum

So what inspired you to write this odd little story Juliette?

This was my 2014 Entry to the Evil Squirrel’s Nest Contest of Whatever.

A unicorn, a squirrel and a possum go into a bar… to find out what inspired this post in which every single word is absolutely true:
http://evilsquirrelsnest.com/2014/02/03/you-may-already-be-a-winner/

And if you aren’t following the Sharp Witted, Brilliant and Talented Bill Brown and The Evil Squirrel’s Nest you ought to be. 

Squirrels Rock the Goggles

Squirrels Rock the Goggles

For the official back story on Andrew and Shawna go to the links below:

Innocenzio Dantonio

Innocenzio Dantonio

gothic design

http://evilsquirrelsnest.com/2014/02/03/you-may-already-be-a-winner/

Ask Juliette: Relationship Issue (and some paranormal stuff)

Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature here on Vampiremaman.com

People ask me questions and I do my best to answer. If you have a burning question about anything send me a message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail. com (but remove the spaces put there to prevent trolls and bots.)

Ask Juliette

For years I had long, flat, stringy, and lifeless hair. Recently I had it professionally cut into a cute layered chin length bob. I love it. I feel beautiful. Everyone who sees me compliments me. I look and feel great. Unfortunately my boyfriend doesn’t agree. He flipped out. He said I should have asked him before I changed my hair. For the past two weeks he has been sulking and saying I’m no longer the woman he fell in love with. Should I grow my hair out? Wear a hat? Help!

Dump him. It isn’t like you shaved your head or had “I’m dating a loser” tattooed across your forehead. Your hair style isn’t his choice. Period. Yes he is allowed an opinion but saying you’re no longer the woman he fell in love with? Seriously? You don’t need an over grown controlling baby in your life. If he doesn’t love you for looking and feeling great, then you don’t need him. Dump him. By the way, your style sounds cute. In fact, that is how I am wearing my hair these days.

crowonstone

 

My girlfriend just left me for her old boyfriend. I was the rebound guy AGAIN. The same thing happened with my last two girlfriends before her. One left me for her ex-husband, the other for a boyfriend who’d gone to grad school in another state. Should I give up? Should I accept the fact that I’m the rebound guy forever? Should I hire myself out to women who want to get back together with their ex. 

Awww man. Sorry about the bad luck. I have a few tips for you and things to look for.

Red flags:

  • She talks about her ex a lot.
  • She talks about all the good times she had with her ex.
  • She keeps traditions that she had with her ex. She wants to go to the same places they went and do the same things they did.
  • Her friends and family call you her ex’s name.
  • You feel like you can’t live up to the ex.
  • She mentions the ex in reference to your sex life (as in birth control, dressing up, or you know, other things they did.)
  • She talks to her ex all the time.

When you meet a woman you like find out how long it has been since she was in a serious relationship. Also how does she talk about him. If she hates him then you might be in luck. If she is sad about the break up then maybe you need to sit back a bit.

Also watch out for someone in a long distance relationship. Often they have the attitude like that awful Stephen Stills song, “And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, Love the one you’re with.” You don’t want someone with that attitude. You might be with them physically right now, but you’ll never be the one they really love.

 

arthurrackhamcrowmice

 

I think the guy I’m dating might be a Vampire. How can I know for sure?

If you’re with him long enough you’ll know because he won’t age. Otherwise you’re out of luck. He won’t tell you unless he wants you to know. OK not completely out of luck. If you try to have his baby you won’t be able to. Vampire can’t get regular girls pregnant. He might also be cold to the touch most of the time. Our body temperature is sort of cold. Of course if you meet his parents and they look like teenagers you’ll know for sure.

You know, you could just ask him. If he like you he might just come out and tell you. Of course that opens up another completely different can of worms (the worms go in, the worms go out.)

 

Ask Juliette

I want to be a Shape Shifter. I’d love to be able to turn into a wolf, or a dragon. How do I make that happen?

You don’t unless you want some nasty Werewolf to rip you half to death, then be bound by the full moon with no choice in your fate. AND you’ll get fleas. They ALL get fleas.

You can’t just become a shape shifter. Sheesh.

 

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

Short Story Sunday: Giving Blood (an Austin and Elizabeth Story)

Giving Blood

Part 16 – The Austin and Elizabeth Stories

 

“I can’t give blood.”

“Why not? It isn’t live you’ve been to sketchy African places or are having sex with needle users.”

“I don’t produce enough of my own blood to share.”

“I’ve never heard of anything like that.”

“Now you have.”

Elizabeth moved away from her boyfriend Austin’s friend Jason’s girlfriend Nicole and made her way back to the kitchen. The kitchen was where there was booze and nobody trying to get into her medical history or her lack of civic body fluid donation.

As she poured herself another glass of Cabernet a nicely dressed man with boyish good looks came into the room. She lifted her glass to him.

“Here’s to nosey assholes who won’t mind their own business. I take blood. I do not give.”

Austin put his arm around her and gave her a kiss. “Understood. Was Nicole bothering you about it? She asked me why you wouldn’t sign up.”

“I’ve got a good mind to take a blood donation from Nicole tonight.”

“Nicole is passionate for her cause.”

“It isn’t just her cause. Every time we see them she drills me about something. You know Austin, I am the mistress of polite but…”

“Nicole is just trying to be friendly. I’ve known her since college. She has always be forward.”

“Forward? Try rude. She is always drilling me with questions. She wants to know why I don’t like the sun, or why I don’t eat much, or why my skin is always cold, or why I never talk about my family. The questions are endless.”

Austin kissed on the cheek. “Don’t let it bother you.”

Elizabeth wasn’t going to be pacified. “I would normally ignore someone like her or fill her with nightmares but she is your friend. The only reason I don’t deal with her in the usual manner is because she is your friend. Do you understand. Do you understand what I mean by usual manner?”

“Yes, I understand. But you’ve been around enough that…”

“I know. I have. But I have never been in love with anyone with warm blood… ever, even before I became a Vampire. This is new, just like you dealing with my friends is new. Help me out here Austin.”

“This is all new to me too. One day I was a Vampire hunter and now I’m in love with a Vampire.”

“You’re not really a Vampire hunter. What you do is more like pest control. Unfortunately that doesn’t include pests like Nichol.”

He put his arms around her and pulled her close. “Let’s go home.”

She brushed her cold lips against his warm neck. “Good idea.”

As they walked to the car, arm in arm, a lone figure watched from the sidewalk. Maybe leaving the party for her house wasn’t that good of an idea. The night would tell.

To be continued…

 

About The Austin and Elizabeth Stories (The Hunter Series)

What happens when a History Professor/Restoration Expert/Player turns into a Vampire Hunter? He discovers basements full of undead creatures, a thriving community of hip and trendy Modern Vampires and the maybe love of his life (or maybe the cause of his death.)

For the complete story of Austin and Elizabeth (from the beginning) check the links below.

Part 1: The Hunter

Part 2:  Memory of Distant Love

Part 3: Dark Dreams of the Hunted

Part 4: About Those Pesky Undead Folks

Park 5: The Hunt Continues

Part 6: Cold and Warm

Part 7: Date with a Vampire

Part 8: Crawl Space

Part 9: Dust and Desire

Part 10: One of Those Days…

Part 11: Even Vampire Hunters Get the Blues

Part 12: Back to the Past

Part 13: Nowhere in Time

Part 14: Father Paul

Part 15: The Bat

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Short Story Sunday: Cold and Warm

He’d kissed that mouth that drank human blood. Oh well. It wasn’t any different than someone eating a hot dog with onions and chile then washing it down with a beer. OK it was different. A lot different. But he could get over it.

Was she as cold all over as her kiss? He’d never made love to a Vampire before. God, that sounded horrible like making love to a dead person. She was a dead person, sort of. She was older than any living person yet she had the body of a young woman.

Arranging his tie Austin smiled and said to his reflection, “You’re a history buff. She’s the perfect woman for you.”

Would the reflection issue be an issue? Sometimes Vampires didn’t show up in reflections. They’d be unclear or even just shadows. He made a mental note to check it out with her, that is if she was willing.

 

Across town she changed her dress five times. Elizabeth felt queasy with nerves. This wasn’t like her. It was positively human. She was a Vampire. Vampires had nerves of steel. Not tonight, but she couldn’t let him know… she couldn’t let him know that she couldn’t stop thinking about him. She couldn’t let him know that she was terrified of him. Now that didn’t make any sense. Yes, he was a Vampire Hunter of a sorts, but not a hunter of her sort of Vampire.  What would her friends think? She’d never tell them. Shrugging, then dabbing a bit of perfume on her wrists she figured it wouldn’t work out anyway. If it did she’d have to make him forget her…forever. Well, maybe not forever. Then she wondered if she’d every be able to forget him.

 

Austin showed up at Elizabeth’s door at 8:00 sharp. She opened it before he knocked.

She let him in, then they stood in the entry way looking at each other, eye to eye for what seemed like an eternity. He then took her hands, first his fingertips touching hers, cold to warm, then their hands entwined. Neither of them spoke.

He smiled. No fangs. All the other guys she dated lately had long sexy fangs. He had something else. Austin had warmth.

“Let’s go,” he said. He’d wanted to say “Let’s go upstairs,” but he could wait. “You look beautiful tonight.”

 

Rose

 

To be continued…

For more on Austin and Elizabeth (not the same Elizabeth who works with Max) click on the links below.

Part 1: The Hunter

Part 2: A Memory of Distant Love

Part 3: Dark Dreams of the Hunted

Part 4: About Those Pesky Undead Folks

Park 5: The Hunt Continues

About 20 more posts on this and I’ll have a novel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes it is complicated (almost as much as a unicorn, a squirrel and a possum going into a bar…)

unicorn

When you belong to a Vampire family the dynamics with other people, creatures, living things in general can get complicated.

My brother Andrew is staying at our house for a few days. He’ll be performing at one of the larger clubs with a semi-well known band (they get some radio play) later this week. Andy is an opera singer but he’ll sing anything in any style with just about anyone if asked.

Last night was a lovely clear evening so we (Andy, my husband Teddy and I) went out on the deck for a glass of wine. Aside from Andy being my brother he is also close friends with my husband. They grew up together back in the days before Teddy even knew what a Vampire was (but that is another story.)

I always had to smile at Andy and his personal sense of style. He was in a velvet vest, white shirt with french cuffs and jeans. His chestnut colored hair fell straight to his shoulders. Of all of us siblings (all 5 of us) Andy was the one who held on to the 19th century we all grew up in more. But that wasn’t always a bad thing.

To make a short story even longer… it is February so the conversation turned to romance. Well sort of.

I wondered how he was getting along with his new girlfriend Shawna.  He’d met her when he’d stumbled upon her camp in Patagonia (yes, THAT Patagonia.) She was digging for dinosaurs. I’m not exactly sure what he was doing there. Andy tends to just wander the world at times when he feels, well, like he needs to. By the way, Shawna isn’t a Vampire. Yes, it is complicated. And yes, she has met our mother which makes it even more complicated.

I asked about Shawna so Andy vented.

“Shawna knew why I’d gone out. It really wasn’t any of her concern. But when I got home she wouldn’t touch me. I assumed she’d understand that I can’t live off of kale and tofu. I need human blood to survive. She couldn’t get past the idea of me drinking blood then kissing her. For God’s sake by then I’d brushed my teeth and we’d had a couple of glasses of wine.”

He looked at us expecting a response but we let him continue to vent. “It isn’t as if I’d had blood dripping down my chin.”

“Give her time,” I gently told him then thought how stupid that sounded.

“I even had a baby unicorn but that ended badly as well,” said Andy.

“What were you doing with a unicorn? Oh my goodness Andy.” It has been years since I’ve seen a unicorn.

“Keeping it for James.” Andy said. James is a friend of Andrew’s. James is sort of nuts but he does lead an interesting life.

I have to admit that one of the cutest things in the universe is a baby unicorn. They’re like tiny iridescent donkeys or maybe a cross between a fawn and a pony, with all of that tiny baby sweetness. Their little hooves look like white mother of pearl. And there are few things as soft as a baby unicorn nose. Oh my goodness they’re precious. Best of all they smell good – like jasmine and roses.

Andrew continued his sad story. “As soon as Shawna walked in the room the unicorn started to cry. I’d forgotten that they’re afraid of humans. And forget the bull crap about being pure at heart. It doesn’t matter. There she was standing in the room with this baby screaming at the sight of her. It was a disaster.”

Yes, love is rare, but not as rare as a screaming baby unicorn. Sigh.

“I can understand Shawna’s fears,” said Teddy.  “I know how repulsive we seem to humans.”

Andy gave Teddy a glare. “Repulsed? How could she be repulsed? I’ve been nothing but wonderful to her. I’ve literally swept her off her feet. I’ve made her feel things she thought she’d never feel.”

Teddy patted Andy on the shoulder. “You’ve made her feel fear. Remember I used to be like her.  It took me weeks, actually years to accept the reality of Vampires and the fact that we’re not completely evil or completely dead. The very idea of a Vampire is more terrifying than, well, than she was to that baby unicorn. Maybe even more so because humans know we’re on the top of the food chain over them. It puts fear and disgust in them like cannibals or serial killers.”

“But if they tried to understand…” said Andy.

“What we do is morbid and disgusting,” said Teddy.

“They drink coffee that has been pooped out of a cat. What can be more disgusting than that?”

“Civets. The coffee is expelled by civets.”

“Whatever Theodore. Humans don’t know anything about us or what we do,” said Andy.

“And we need to keep it that way. I don’t know why you let her know you were a Vampire in the first place. It was a bad move on your part Andy.”

“But…”

Teddy gave Andy one of those looks. The kind that teenagers dread. “Andy, you can’t expect someone to suddenly embrace something they’ve feared their entire life. I don’t care how many times you tell her that you love her. We’re the undead evil, just above zombies and ghosts.”

“Not to mention ticks and werewolves,” I added in.

The soft sound of moving branches distracted us. Climbing up the Italian Cypress to the deck rail came another nocturnal creature. It was Teddy’s possum. For the past year the possum had been making nightly visits and Teddy had decided to make friends with it. He spoke quietly to the soft gray creature and handed him a few raw peanuts he’d put in his pocket earlier. The Possum sat still while Teddy brushed its beautiful coat. She looked at us with her black possum eyes and showed a little bit of primitive sharp toothed possum grin.

Possums are gentle and often misunderstood creatures. Nobody ever hears of a possum attack but people still fear them. Sure sometimes they might have rabies or fleas but for the most part they’re harmless. I wouldn’t recommend you try to pet one or pick one up, but Teddy has a gift with animals and he is a Vampire. And like our possum friends we (Vampires) are also misunderstood.

“You can’t keep a possum as a pet Andy, just like you can’t keep a human as a pet,” I told my brother.

“Shawna isn’t a pet,” Andy said. He scratched the possum between it’s ears as it sat quietly.

“Maybe not, but she isn’t a Vampire. I know you lived with Aurora for almost 50 years, but that was the exception. That was something extraordinary. She never feared us. She never saw us as unnatural,” I said.

Andy looked out at the night sky as if he was looking for Aurora, a woman he’d lived with until her death from old age. She stayed with her until the end, never pressuring her to become a Vampire, never leaving her side. We all loved Aurora. Maybe too much. Despite the heartbreak she was a gift, like all of our dear human friends. We’re sad for her passing but we wouldn’t trade the sadness because of the love.

We all knew Shawna was warming up to the idea that she was living in a world populated by bizarre creatures and strangeness that she could never have imagined. Then again, she studied dinosaurs so she knew about strange creatures that defied imagination, logic and all reason. Time would tell.

I said good night (good morning to us) around 4:00 am to Teddy and Andy. The kids were sleeping due to school and their daytime schedules.

Around 7:00 am, just as the sun came up I was in my dining room, laptop open, glancing out through the windows at the trees. The Possum had gone to her bed, but on the deck rail was a squirrel. This particular squirrel is always out in the morning doing a little dance with jerky movements while his squirrel friends jump through the oak trees like circus acrobats. He stands in the sun and eats from the window box and from the bowl of nuts and seeds I leave for him. He’ll turn his head and look at me but he isn’t afraid – at least not unless I open the door for a closer look or try to take his photo. When I go outside sometimes he barks at me with his odd almost unearthly squirrel voice. I call him my friend, but he’ll never consider me to be in his inner circle. But that’s OK. He’s a squirrel. That is all I need him to be. And he never needs to know I’m a Vampire.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

everybodylovesapossum

So what inspired you to write this odd little story Juliette?

A unicorn, a squirrel and a possum go into a bar… to find out what inspired this post in which every single word is absolutely true:
http://evilsquirrelsnest.com/2014/02/03/you-may-already-be-a-winner/

And if you aren’t following the Sharp Witted, Brilliant and Talented Bill Brown and The Evil Squirrel’s Nest you ought to be. 

Squirrels Rock the Goggles

Squirrels Rock the Goggles

For the official back story on Andrew and Shawna go to the links below:

Innocenzio Dantonio

Innocenzio Dantonio

gothic design

http://evilsquirrelsnest.com/2014/02/03/you-may-already-be-a-winner/