Real Dating Rules That Work

I’m not actively dating right now because I’ve been with the same man forever. I’m glad I’m not dating. Holy crap, I wouldn’t want to be out there again. I had fun when I was doing it but I’m happy it is over.

As a parent I’ve spoken extensively with my children about relationships and I find that they go in with EYES OPEN. One is in a long established relationship with someone I love and adore. The other is in-between relationships and in no hurry for anything serious.

Some of the most popular posts here are about relationships, as in romantic relationships. Hmmmm. I pried open the dusty file drawers in my head and pulled out some weird stuff from people I know, and came up with some advice for people who are obviously clueless when it comes to dating.

So here we go:

Juliette’s Rules and Advice for staying safe, and not being an asshole or an idiot when dating.

Romance novels are fun, but real life usually isn’t like that – even for Vampires.

Never say negative things about your dates appearance. Don’t tell a guy he needs to work out more. Don’t tell a woman you wish she had bigger boobs. Don’t tell someone they have a big nose, or you don’t like his beard, or you wish she was a redhead. Don’t tell someone they are too short or too tall or too fat or too skinny or anything else about their bodies. Just shut the fuck up.

Listen to what the other person has to say. Don’t do ALL of the talking. Engage with the other person. Have a two way conversation.

Act interested in what your date has to say. You might learn something.

Never discount someone because they have interests outside of yours. You might learn something.

Do not bring friends and family along on dates unless you ask your date first. This is not something to spring on someone. Don’t be stupid.

Don’t bring your date to a party/wedding/event then ignore them in favor of other friends who are there.

Don’t bring someone to a family function for a first date, unless your parents are rock stars and it is a big concert.

Dress appropriately. You know what that means. You’re an adult. Act like it.

Stop talking about your ex. Yes, we all dated other people. That is usually a given. BUT you do not need to, and should not, talk about all of the horrible people you’ve dated or married, ALL THE TIME. Just stop it.

Don’t start picking out your china pattern on the first date.

On a first, or even second date, don’t talk about conspiracy theories, alien abductions, politics, or other such items, unless it is something YOU KNOW you have in common with your date.

Don’t talk about medical issues on a first date unless you both have the same issue.

On a first date please make sure you read the chemistry and body language of the person you are with. Don’t assume they want to be physical with you. Don’t hump someone’s leg. Don’t tell someone how horny you are. Don’t beg for sex. Don’t tell someone you haven’t had sex in a long time. Don’t expect sex because you were nice and wore clean underwear. Don’t touch, kiss, give weird “sexy” looks which are never sexy, or pull out your private parts unless you KNOW it is wanted by the other person. Believe me, it is usually NOT wanted if you have that kind of attitude. You’re just being creepy and icky. This goes for women too.

TMI (too much information) is a real thing. You don’t have to tell someone everything in the first week they know you.

Don’t over text. One “I had a nice time. Hope to see you again” type of text is fine. A follow up for a question or discussion or shared interest is fine. Don’t bug someone with dozens of text messages then get all butt hurt because they don’t respond. People are busy. They have jobs. Don’t be annoying.

Never ask desperate. That is the #1 biggest turn off aside from bad personal hygiene.

Always bring money. Don’t assume the other person is paying.

Never pretend you left your wallet at home.

If the other person is paying don’t order the most expensive thing on the menu. Please do not do that, unless you’re both getting the same thing.

Make sure you have an app on your phone for Lyft or Uber, or know where the nearest public transportation is. Or better yet, drive your own car.

Don’t let anyone say they want to come in for a nightcap or coffee unless YOU want to invite them in. I know more than one women who has ended up in a potential or actual rape situation because of this. You don’t have to be polite. If someone can’t take NO for an answer then cross them off of your list. You DO NOT have to let anyone into your home.

If a woman breaks into your home and cooks for you, and cleans your house, without being invited in you do not have to see her again. That is just crazy ass behavior. That is illegal. Nobody should EVER break into your home for any reason.

If you want to you can sleep with someone on a first date. It is OK. Yes they WILL want to see you again. You might even still be with them 25 years later. If the chemistry and comfort is there then do what you want to do. BUT NEVER do ANYTHING you don’t want to do. Let me say that again: NEVER DO ANYTHING YOU DON’T WANT TO DO.

Respect boundaries.

ALWAYS use birth control and other protections. Don’t be stupid.

Last of all, don’t get weird about food. That includes Vampires. You know what I’m talking about. Just don’t do it.

I could go on for about 100,000 more words, so I’ll stop here.

Later this week will be another dating post for just Vampires.

Stay safe. Have fun. Be creative. Talk to your kids. Hug your cats and dogs.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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