The Art of Writing Love Letters is Alive and Well (even for Zombies and Ghosts)

In honor of Valentine’s Day I’m posting my most popular love and romance bits today. Enjoy. xoxoxox

Vampire Maman

letters

My brother Val always says “love isn’t a physical thing. It is a meeting of souls. Be it friendship or romantic lovers, it is something we can write about and dream about, but we can never truly explain or define it.”

The Art of Writing Love Letters is Alive and Well (even for Zombies & Ghosts)

The most popular post on this blog is “How to respond to a love letter.”  Really. Seriously, go on Google and look up how to respond to a love letter and it will bring you right back here. Out of the zillion or so things I’ve written on just about every subject everything always circles around back to LOVE.

That is proof that the art of letter writing is not completely dead (YES – real scientific proof)AND romance is still alive and well.

Everyone writes love letters. And that means YOU

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The Very Sight of You

This morning I spoke with my son Garrett (age 20, in college, six-hour dive from here.) I’m always so proud at how confident he is. In fact I’m proud of all of his friends, and my nephew Logan, for being so confident, especially when it comes to interacting with women. Straight or Gay they all are so grounded.

Maybe it is the rain, and warnings about high water, but it made me think of a less fortunate man I once knew, when I was about Garrett’s age.

His name was Bernard. He was a family friend, and like us, he was a Vampire.

When he was a young man of astounding business success. At the age of twenty-five he was already wealthy. Despite the fact that he was a personable, and somewhat attractive man, Bernard was alone. This is because when he would have interactions with young women, or even older women, he would start to tremble. Many women found this trembling endearing, like they found trembling in small lap dogs endearing. To Bernard this was mortifying, so he stayed away from what he considered the fairer sex.

Eventually he went to a successful college friend, who was a bit more worldly than Bernard and asked for advice. What Bernard didn’t know what that his friend, whom we shall call William, was a Vampire.

William knew exactly how to cure Bernard. He turned Bernard into a Vampire.

Bernard would still tremble at the sight of a woman, but he learned if he put the woman into a trance, then drank about a half pint of her blood that he would stop shaking. Then he found that if he snapped her out of the trance, then made love to her, that he wouldn’t tremble for at least three days. All the women would remember was the most amazing experience they’d ever had with a man. Married or single, they all wanted to be with dear, sweet, trembling Bernard.

Soon Bernard grew tired of the friends-with-benefits and he found himself a wife. Estella was a lovely girl from a good family. She was quiet with very little personality, but Bernard loved her with all of his heart. She never knew he was a Vampire, and he never planned on telling her.

On the morning of their wedding day he went to visit all of his former female friends of good standing so that he would not tremble when he saw his bride. It was enough activity to keep him calm for a week. That night he was married and off to a glorious wedding night and honeymoon with his darling Estella.

Every other day he would take some blood from Estella and make love to her. She was happy and passionate in response, but soon her health began to fail. After a few years of constant blood taking Bernard realized that he was killing the woman he loved.

He purchased an elaborate crypt in the local cemetery for finer folks, then stopped his heart and turned cold (all Vampires can do this.) Estella thought he was dead. The doctors thought he was dead. Hundreds showed up at the funeral. Estella eventually regained her health, remarried another fine man, and had four lovely children and led a long and happy life.

Bernard escaped from the crypt (he had a key) and headed out West to seek his fortune.

Upon arriving in California he introduced himself to the Vampire community in Sacramento. It was February 1879. I’d turn twenty that October.

Bernard was successful in his new home, but he would still tremble when he was in the company of a woman. Swearing that he would never marry again, he quickly knew he’d have to find a network of women he could take blood from, and then seduce in order to keep himself calm.

My brother Aaron became good friends with Bernard. Whenever Bernard would be invited to visit Aaron and his wife Verity, he would ALWAYS make sure he would go to one of the local ladies of the night first so he wouldn’t kill himself in the presence of Verity. You see, Verity, who is like all of us, a Vampire, looks almost exactly like Botticelli’s Venus, in the Birth of Venus painting. The first time Bernard ever saw her he almost passed out from trembling. It was so bad that the floor shook and a vase of flowers fell over onto the table and spilled out on the floor.

One night before a party Bernard arrived early. He came upstairs looking for Aaron. Verity and I were upstairs getting ready, and not expecting anyone.

When Bernard entered the room he found me standing in just a petticoat and corset. His mouth opened and he started to shake. Then Verity stepped out from behind a screen completely naked, like Venus in the painting. Bernard trembled so violently that I thought he’d pass out, but then…THEN he trembled so hard that something amazing and quite disturbing happened as he turned gray starting at the top of his head and slowly went all the way down to his toes. He turned to dust and fell into a gray pile of powder on the floor. Verity grabbed her robe and got Aaron. The three of us stood and stared at the pile of what was once Bernard for at least five minutes. Then Aaron got the dust pan and swept poor Bernard into a Chinese vase and that was the last I ever saw of Bernard.

I called Aaron this morning and asked him what became of Bernard. My brother said he put the vase on the mantel in his office, but it would start to shake whenever Verity would walk into the room. After a few months it became too distracting so he took the vase to the river and shook the contents out into the current. When he told me the exact location I wasn’t surprised. The water constantly trembles at that spot, no matter what the level of the river is.

Now there are drugs, and other things like music, and therapy for those with social anxiety. For Bernard it was blood and sex, but unfortunately that isn’t always available when one accidentally runs into an extreme situation. Yes, poor Bernard, we knew him well.

By the way, this is a true story.

Have a good night everyone, and stay safe out in the winter weather.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

venus-verity

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/tremble/

All About Tellias and Eleora (Senior Citizen Vampires): A New Page

I’m a mom so I take care of my children. Like many others (and I know more than one of my readers) I also have seniors in my life who need my help. Even Vampires can be among the “sandwich” generation.

Over the years I’ve been writing about the ancient Vampires Tellias and Eleora. They look young, but they’ve been around for centuries. Sometimes they need a little extra help.

Our elder folks are our treasures. We should all love and take care of those we have, both family and elderly friends who often have no family near. You’re never too old for love, or friends or living life.

I’ve created a new page with links to posts about taking care of, and loving the elders in my life. Sometimes it is magical, sometimes it is rewarding, sometimes it is frustrating, sometimes it is funny, sometimes it is a learning experience, sometimes it just is what it is. Maybe you can relate.

We’re Vampires but we aren’t all that different from your family and friends.

To view the page with all of the links about Tellias and Eleora (and sometimes Great Great Great Grandmama Lola) CLICK HERE.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Ask Juliette: Political Fall Out, Social Media, Teens, and Vampires

Ask Juliette

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a somewhat regular feature at vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about parenting, relationships, vampires, or anything – just ask. Leave a question here for the next post, or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com

This week was difficult. See the questions below. I’m sure after I write this post I’ll go throw up blood, or get a headache that will last for weeks. I hope I won’t lose any friends.

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I’m the parent of three wonderful teenagers. Since the election they have been on social media non stop complaining about the new POTUS. What do you say to teens and young adults about social media? I understand their passion, but it is getting ugly out there.

Since election, and even more since the inauguration there has been a shit storm fire storm of politically inspired social media posts.

First and foremost I have had a difficult time staying polite over the issue. But as a parent I don’t want my kids, or any kids, to miss opportunities due to their public opinions.

This is a time when many high school kids are applying for college, and applying for jobs.

No matter what their political, religious, and other beliefs are they MUST keep in mind that others are looking at their social media footprints.

Email addresses: No employer or potential school wants to see an email address that reads suckmydickorangeman@yahoo.com, or mypussyisofflimits@gmail.com

Encourage your child to use something that resembles their given name. For example JasonDoe99@yahoo.com.

I understand the outrage of many young people. I understand their feeling that the government that will shape their adult lives is showing only hate and malice towards science, the environment, women, LBGT folks, and the freedom of speech. I understand their need to express that outrage. But they need to do it in a constructive way that will not effect future education and job opportunities. That does not mean they have to be silent. It just means that on public social media where they use their own names they need to be smart. Leave the profanity for the places where their real names aren’t used.

They can be swept up by the storm, or they can get involved. They can register to vote. They can write letters. They can go to peaceful organized marches. They can attend events. They can volunteer.

Their voices need to be heard. But the must be smart about it. I always make it a rule to keep my professional life, and my personal life separate, and that includes social media. I advise my children to do the same. It is just a good idea. Besides, you don’t need your potential boss, or school administrator in your business.

Since the election and inauguration I have had a heavy heart, and a headache that will not go away. I’m trying to keep the radio off, and limit my social media. That does not mean that I am going to shut up. It does not mean that I can get over an administration full of mean-spirited, sexist, racist, ignorant assholes. I’m getting involved. I’m encouraging others to vote. I could write about my feelings but when it comes to MY OWN feelings on this subject I tend to get too emotional. Deep breath.

I’m seeing families divided, and friendships damaged in ways I have never seen before. I’m sure I’ll lose a few readers because of my answers on this post.

The point is, that no matter what you believe, encourage your teens that whatever they put out there on the Internet will always be there. They need to think about what others will see when someone searches their name. Unfortunately that is the way things are. I can’t stress that enough. I’d hate for someone to miss out on an education or job opportunity due to meme, or comment made on social media. A split second of anger can do years of damage. I know to a teen (and adults) that sucks, but that is the way it is.

 

Sea Monster

I’m worried about the environment and the anti science attitudes that the new Trump administration has. What do you think.

I’m worried to. In the Sierra Nevada Mountains and foothills there are still problems with mercury poisoning from the California Gold Rush (remember 1849.) That is just one example of the lasting effects of man on the environment.

Yesterday a bald eagle flew over my house. It circled my yard then flew back to it’s nearby nesting place. I can’t imagine a world where wild creatures are not protected.

The anti-science policies of the current administration scare me. The current mode of making decisions is based on potential monitory profits, ignorance, and spite.

I have no answers except to get involved. Have your facts straight when you talk to others. Write letters. Boycot businesses that are environmentally unfriendly. Vote.

 

Unfortunately some things never change.

Unfortunately some things never change.

The woman I’m in love with is a Vampire. Any advice would be helpful.

Run away. Seriously, if you said she was from another culture that would be one thing, but she is a different kind of animal than you are. She might have been like you a hundred years ago, but dude, get a grip. It just isn’t a good idea. Believe me, I know about these things first hand.

 

No, this is not you and your Vampire girlfriend. It is not going to be like this. You're just a dude in love with someone you have no business being with. Run away. Run away.

No, this is not you and your Vampire girlfriend. It is not going to be like this. You’re just a dude in love with someone you have no business being with. Run away. Run away.

I want to be a Vampire. Can you turn me into one?

Good for you. No. Go away.

Ask Juliette

That is it for this week’s advice. Please feel free to send me some less exhausting questions for next week. Hey, I’m game for anything, really…do you know where I put the vodka?

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

Ask Juliette: If you’re going to Pine you might as well do it with a straight face – and other advice.

Ask Juliette

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone is a regular feature on Vampiremaman.com) sf_academy

Dear Juliette,

You’re always mentioning San Francisco in your blog posts. Have you ever been to the location of the Starfleet Academy.

Why, yes I have been there. It is right by the base of the Golden Gate Bridge I believe on the Marin County side. Unfortunately you’ll have to wait until the 22nd century to get in on the action. In the meantime I’ll have to say that San Francisco is the ideal location. Hands down. No arguing.

But funny you should ask because last night Clara, who loves perfume ads in magazines with a passion, pulled out a scented ad with an incredibly handsome man. She and Teddy asked who that was. I recognized him right away. It was Chris Pine, the actor who now plays James. T. Kirk, Captain of the Starship Enterprise. Clara said the cologne smelled great. I said it smelled like Chris Pine’s sweat and we should strap him to a treadmill. Then Teddy rolled his eyes and said to our daughter, “I know she’d say something. How does she come up with this stuff?”

smell-like-chris

Dear Juliette,

What color is your coffin?

I don’t have a coffin. In fact most Vampires don’t sleep in coffins. The only Vampire I know with a coffin in his house is my brother Max. He has one in his attic for when his weirder friends spend the weekend, and I suspect for, dare I say, kinky sex stuff (but I’ll deny I ever said anything.)

This is not my bed. I don't sleep in a box.

Dear Juliette,

I was recently contacted by my high school boyfriend. I haven’t seen him for twenty years, but all of the hot and heavy young passion all came right back up. I’m happily married, and haven’t acted on anything but I can’t stop thinking about him.

Don’t do it. You aren’t the same person you were when you were seventeen. You said you’re married. If your old teenage flame wants to fool around with a married woman then he has some serious character flaw issues. Tell him thanks for the memories, and leave it at that.

why get married

Alright then, that was this week’s super short installment of the most popular advice column on the World Wide Web. If you have a compelling question for next week leave a comment here OR email me in private at juliettevampiremom @ gmail.com (take out the spaces that I left in to prevent trolls.)  Come on folks, give me something to work with.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Ask Juliette

Dear Juliette: Stop bugging me. Let’s listen to music.

Ask Juliette

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular feature on Vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about anything either comment here or send me a private note at juliettevampiremom @ gmail.com

swing-time-fred-astaire-ginger-rogers-1936

Why can’t I find the perfect man?

Because my dear that creature doesn’t exist. And if you did find him you’d be bored to death within a month or two. It is in the imperfections that we find what makes another endearing, sexy, and exciting. If you’re looking for love throw away your worn out old list of must-have qualities, and open your mind, and heart, to something new. You never know what you like until you try it.

Or maybe just stop being weird about romance. Maybe it is YOU not him. The biggest turn offs for most guys (and women) are:

  • Being too clingy
  • Expecting perfection.
  • Being needy.
  • Acting desperate.
  • Being demanding.
  • Being childish.
  • Being judgmental because he isn’t perfect.
  • Not being yourself around him.

So look deep, and be your best, be an adult, and good things will happen.

Dr-Jekyll-y-Mr-Hyde

What do you think of the 2016 election?

I’m trying not to think about it. I mean, what do you think of impending doom? What do you think of someone hovering over you your neighborhood polling place? What do you think of all of the time and money wasted on so much stupidity? What do you think of guys who date sheep? What do you think of the universe rewarding only ignorance. What do you think of two political parties who couldn’t come up with two people that we actually want to vote for?

As for those cars with covered with caustic in your face bumper stickers…left or right they’re all assholes.

24-masks-twilight-zone.w750.h560.2x-1450978483

 

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Stop it.

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How many people have you turned into Vampires?

Come now, that is like asking someone how many men she has slept with.

 

halloween-costume-vintage-antique

Who are you voting for?

NO

Grumpy-Cat-NO-1

What is your perfect playlist?

Finally a question that is fun to answer. Thank you. It depends on my mood. This is my Friday play list, but just this Friday, it will be different next Friday (can’t guarantee you will like it.) It could be opera. It could be Blues. It could be anything.

But today it is THIS:

The song title is first, then the band/artist.

Time Bomb – Rancid

Stranger Eyes – Stranger Eyes

Mr. Brightside – The Killers

Trick of the Tail – Genesis

Hand Clap – Fitz & The Tantrums

Spirits – Strumbellas

Midnight Movies – St. Motel

The Middle – Jimmy Eat World

Move – St. Motel

Rock You Up – The Romantics

Cold Cold Man – St. Motel

Bailando (English Version) – Enrique Iglesias

 

 

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular feature on Vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about anything either comment here or send me a private note at juliettevampiremom @ gmail.com

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman