That is exactly the answer I’d want my kid to use.
Thanks to my friend (and horror author) Mandy White for this funny meme.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
Category Archives: Adventures in Parenting
Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts and Pluto. The brilliant logic of youth.
Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts and Pluto. The brilliant logic of youth.
My son asked me “If there are vampires, werewolves, ghosts and people who are not exactly human and we don’t even know what they are, then why can’t Pluto be a planet? It has 5 moons.”
I said “I think it has something to do with it’s orbit.”
“You gotta dance your own dance mom.” he said. “Pluto dances it’s own dance.”
I love that kid.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
Pluto on Pluto
First posted July 2012
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Just talking about teens (Boys are Stupid: Part 28)
(Reposted from July 2015. The kids are all grown up now but this is still funny…at least to me)
Girl Child (age 16): I’d hate myself if I was a teenage boy. I am so glad I’m a girl. If you’re a boy you’re expected to act cool, drop F bombs a hundred times a day, say the N word a hundred times a day for no reason because they think they’re cool but they’re a bunch of stupid little boys, you stink all the time, if you get near another guy and give him a bro hug you have to say “No homo.” Boys are so insecure. Then they go home and be perfect little clean mouthed little polite mommy’s boys.
Man Child (age 19): We’re not all like that and the rest grow out of it. Most of us grow out of it.
Girl Child: Sure, you and my guy friends. But the rest of the guys. They’re all a bunch of F boys. They posture like a bunch of monkeys. I feel sorry for you.
As a mom I just listen. Girls swoon over the Man-child. The Girl-child is going to break hearts. They are both going to grow up and realize that they were on the right track – more than either of their parents (or at least more than I was.)
Some of you might be horrified but all kids talk like this, at least the ones I know. They talk about life and love and what they see and hear at school.
Then I watch them both sit in the cool dining room with the shades drawn, working on school work for fall. They’ll laugh together until their sides split, then they’ll study and study and study. I’m not helicopter parent – they do this on their own.
For all parents of young children my advice would be to guide your kids. Talk to them. Encourage them to be curious. Teach them study skills. And let them know that at a certain age that it is on them to work for their future. Let them know that they should be kids, but prepare them to be adults.
Sure they’ll make mistakes. How else can one learn?
I let them speak their minds around me too. I don’t want them ever to be afraid to speak or feel they have to have secrets.
But I swear, being around teens is like a 24/7 comedy club. I have to write this stuff down as they say it, or record it.
Oh well. Just thinking out loud.
So your assignment for this week is to hug your kids, listen to them, laugh with them and love them. And tell them not to be jerks or try not to offend everyone they see. It isn’t cool. It is just stupid.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
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Empty Nest
At the end of my street is a bald eagle nest. The babies hatched this spring have learned to fly a few weeks ago and have now left the nest. We might see them around occasionally during the rest of the summer, but they’re more or less gone. This is the third year we’ve had eagle babies. This is the third year we’ve gone out to the nest and watched new hatchlings grow and leave mom and dad.
The nest is now empty.
Empty nest syndrome is a feeling of grief and loneliness parents may feel when their children leave home for the first time, such as to live on their own or to attend a college or university. It is not a clinical condition.
My daughter just turned twenty. She’ll be moving out in September to attend a prestigious university on the coast of Southern California. I am over the moon proud of her.
I have kept a safe and sound nest for my birdies. They have learned how to fly.
I’ve prepared my children to be adults. They have far exceeded my expectations. I am so proud. I think I said that already, but I am. I always will be.
I prepared my chicks but I didn’t think that I’d be so unprepared.
It isn’t as if I’m unprepared. It isn’t as if I don’t have anything to do. It isn’t as if I don’t have a dog who needs ALL of my attention, elders to take care of (that is another story that breaks my heart), cats to heard, and a husband who is going through his own transitions.
It has been years since I have felt my heart breaking like this. I had no idea.
Yet, I am filled with joy and excitement because my kids are adults and they’re going to make all kinds of awful mistakes, and have wonderful adventures, and be amazing, and successful, and they’ll change the world for the better. I know for a fact that they’ll change the world for the better. When I think about that I am less likely to start crying.
When you have a baby you know that in 18 or 20 years that… your baby will be an adult.
But you know what? Your babies will always be your babies.
Having kids is the best thing, the hardest thing, and the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do. At least it has been like that for me.
I finally found something I was good at. REALLY good at. Better than most at. The BEST at. And now I have to do something else that I can be the best at.
Just between us I’ll still be the best mom ever.
And if you’re reading this you can still be the best mom, or dad, ever too.
Just keep saying to yourself, “Don’t panic. They all grow up.”
You’ll be OK.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
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Delivered To Your Door
Delivered to your door…
I looked at the muscular, almost beautiful, naked body on the bed and the folded up sheriffs’ uniform on the chair. The badge seemed to sparkle saying “look at me, look at me.” A white and pink orchid flower was behind his ear.
Holy crap, this wasn’t how I’d planned on starting out my week.
I was busy on my deck and getting nothing done, as usual, when I heard my son’s voice.
“Mom, Uncle Val is on the phone.” My son Garrett stood at the sliding glass door holding my phone out at arms length.
My brother Valentine, thirteen months my senior said I have to come right now. It was an emergency. Nobody else could come. None of our three older brothers could make it. Everyone else had suddenly vanished off the face of the earth.
I arrived at the farm house, my two teens in tow, slamming the door as hard as I could when I got out of the car.
I’m usually pretty calm but I lit into my brother when I saw him walking towards us. “Nobody ever consults with me. I’m the one with the kids and the husband and my own business. I’m on fucking call 24/7 for everyone in this family and nobody ever asks me what I want or need. Nobody.”
“Are you done?” Val asked this in an uncharacteristically sarcastic tone.
“No. What is going on?”
My brother scowled at me and shook his head. “Why are you yelling?”
I went into the house leaving him in the yard. I could hear my son saying “Bad day to mess with my mom.”
Dealing with the sick and elderly is something we do. We do it for love or obligation or family bonds or whatever the reason it is usually on autopilot fueled by guilt and frustration. I’m so saint but sometimes I want to play that saint card so much it hurts.
Eleora stood at the door in a yellow bikini top and a tie-dye skirt, her brown curls done up in red bows. She fluttered around then kissed me on each cheek. Tellias gave me a big hug. He was wearing a green shirt with yellow parrots embroidered on the back. A patch on the front said Dave in large script letters. His white blonde hair was pulled back with a green ribbon.
They look like they’re 19 or 20 years old but they’re ancient – two of the most ancient Vampires known. They were pioneers and founders of the Modern Vampire movement. It is hard to see them like this. It literally breaks my heart.
Steel guitars were hissing away on a scratched up old record playing on a wind up phonograph in the corner.
“We can’t find the car keys,” said Tellias.
“We’re being tropical tonight,” said Eleora as she danced around and put an orchid flower behind my ear.
I was ready to scream. “Again? Where did you last have them?” I asked slowly and calmly.
“If we knew that we’d be driving,” said Tellias, as he took the ribbon out of his hair and shook it out on his shoulders.
“We’d take a road trip to Montana and Maine and Michigan and Maui!” Eleora sang as she danced around again.
“How long have the keys been gone?” I asked.
“Two or three weeks. Val won’t let us use his car,” Tellias said.
“He says we drive too creatively,” Eleora giggled.
“Yes, he said we drive too creatively,” added Tellias.
“Creatively,” said Eleora, this time more seriously.
“Creatively. That was a nice way to put it,” I said more to myself than to the Elders. “What about food? Is Val bringing you food?”
Tellias patted my hand. “Val has been a darling but we like delivery. We call and they come to the house. Amazing. We should have done that a long time ago.”
Delivery? What in the world were they doing? I looked at the hanging chandelier in the entryway. “Nice fixture. Is it new?”
“A couple of nice men came and installed it,” Tellias told me. “It should last for years. The old one was fitted for gas and ugly. Remember?”
“We had them for lunch,” Eleora proudly told me.
“You shouldn’t do that. They’re help,” I told them.
Eleora just smiled. “We liked them Juliette. We wanted them to stay.”
“Are they still here?” I asked not knowing if I wanted to know the answer.
Tellias answered this time. “No, they left. Then we called the County Sheriffs and asked them to come out. We said someone tried to break in. Eleora sounded scared. They sent two good-looking strong young men right to our door.”
“Right to our door. Good looking healthy young men,” Eleora echoed.
I glanced out the window and saw the black and white car on the side of the house. Oh no.
“Where are they?” I asked trying not to panic.
They both looked to the ceiling. I ran up the stairs.
In a bedroom done in high Victorian style, I found a golden haired well-built man face down and naked on the bed. His uniform was neatly folded in a chair. He was alive but in a deep sleep. The name badge was Murphy, as in Officer Murphy.
Another handsome muscular young man was in the next bedroom over, shirtless on his back, asleep. I noticed a wedding ring on his finger. The name badge on his shirt had the name Garcia. His sleeping eyes moved a little under long dark eyelashes.
I called down the stairs. “How long have you had these guys here?”
“Since yesterday. We jammed the GPS on their car.”
I sat down on the top step, almost in tears. They couldn’t find their car keys but they could jam a GPS signal. I thought about the guy with the wedding ring. His wife must be sick wondering where he is.
In most popular novels ancient Vampires are powerful creatures of the night. In my life they are silly creatures that forget all rules about consequences or right and wrong. They act like senile teenagers, with occasional flashes to the wise, powerful leaders they once were.
Tellias sat down next to me. “We thought about keeping them for a while. Then you and Val wouldn’t have to worry about us.”
Eleora slid down on the other side and stroked my face with a cool hand. “Why are you so upset? Everything will be fine. It always is.”
We dressed the nice handsome patrol officers and positioned them in less provocative poses. An hour later another patrol car and an ambulance arrived. Two officers had become ill with an unexplained illness. Not knowing what to do a young couple took them in to their home. All was well. The officers recovered with no memory of what happened. Both mentioned an overwhelming calm and sense of well-being. Imagine that.
Tellias took my hand, like he did when I was a child. “Juliette, my dear child, we weren’t going to turn those young men into Vampires. You know we wouldn’t do that.”
“I just worry about you two,” I told him.
“You care too much for those Regular Humans,” said Eleora. “You have to distance yourself.”
“I’m married to a man who used to be a Regular Human,” I said quietly, but ready to scream.
Tellias squeezed my hand again. “And if it wasn’t for Eleora and me he would be dead.”
I went back to the bedroom where the married officer had been. Years ago my husband lay in that bed, a phantom between two worlds, that of the humans of the light and those of us who favor the dark. An unwanted conversion that had turned those warm hands cold forever, but given me…
“Mom?”
I looked over to kids standing next to me. A 14-year-old daughter and a 17-year-old son. They shouldn’t have to see all this, but I don’t believe in sheltering them. I never have.
I guess I should do my famous parenting blogger bullet points but there is no point in this story. It is just one of those things, on one of those nights.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
“Delivered To Your Door” was first posted here in March 2014. The kids are in college and the elderly Vampires are still sending out for delivery, much to my chagrin.
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Short Story Sunday: I’ll Return to You
They’d numbered many – the qualities needed to do the job. Passions and desires for secrets and more. So was the life of a spy. You give and in return you receive and take and steal away like a ghost in the night, leaving an empty safe and a broken heart behind. It was a good gig if you could get it. It was her life and passion.
In the dark of night she left him drugged in a deep sleep of happy dreams. She’d made sure of that. Still feeling his touch on her skin she dressed in absolute silence. In her bag were the documents she needed, along with photographs and other mementos, including a packet of love letters that she would keep for herself.
She might never find a love like his again. It was one of those loves that was once in a lifetime. It was the kind of love that would last forever.
He was the most well ordered and controlled man she’d ever met. His soul as full of adventure. He valued perfection. Best of all, he could exquisitely heat up the night unlike any other man she’d ever met. He was someone who’d never settle or compromise.
When he awoke hours later he reached for her, but that side of the bed was empty and cold.
Later that morning he was told she was dead. It had been an accident. That day he thought his life would end. He wanted to die. It was almost unbearable, but he made it through.
Ten years later he married a lovely, kind woman with a wicked sense of humor. They had two children. It was a lot of work and crazy living with a family and kids. Life was good, as it should be. In fact it was more than good. It was amazing.
Still, every time his wife was late or one of the kids didn’t call on time he had that feeling of dread and panic come up in his soul. He never told them, but it was always there. He couldn’t lose them. He couldn’t go through that again.
One afternoon he reached into the pocket of an old coat and found a note. It was in the script of his long lost love.
I’ll return to you.
He was beyond that. He was beyond dreams of seeing her again. He was beyond hope she was alive. He was beyond stupid thoughts. He was beyond the anger he had towards her. He was beyond the grief and the love and the memories so sweet of their time together. But something triggered his heart and he could feel a tear falling down his cheek. It was alright to mourn. It was normal. It was natural to feel and love and remember. There was no crime in that. It took nothing away from his life now.
Yet how many times had he caught himself asking “What if?”
He took the dog for a walk by the river, like he did each day.
On the bank, near where the geese always rested, stood a stunning woman with flowing gold curls and sky blue eyes. It was her. It was a his past and his dreams and his sorrow.
She turned towards him. “Hello Rob.”
The dog ran up to her wagging it’s tail. He froze.
“I was told you were dead,” he said barely able to get the words out.
“You were told wrong. I had to go. I know, I know, I know you must be angry but let me explain…”
He stood listening as she told him about adventures in a world he couldn’t imagine anymore. It sounded like more of a movie script or a spy novel than anything in his current life. It sounded like his old life.
Then she said, “I know everything about you. I’ve been keeping track the past twenty years.”
“That’s sort of creepy. I’m sure it was plenty boring compared to the life we used to have.” He watched his dog run down the beach then looked back to her. “Why did you come back?”
“For you of course. We can continue our adventure. You can get your life back. I still love you.”
He stood there thinking of all the times he would have given anything for one last chance to talk to her. Just one last chance to hold her. One last chance to start over with her and change the past.
Then he stuck his hand in his pocket and found a sticky mess of peanut butter and jelly. His daughter would always chew and lick the darned things a few times and end up with a mess over everything.
“I’m not that guy anymore. I’m different.” he said.
“How?” She stood with her hands on her hips. He thought she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. “How are you different?”
“I have a wet gooey half eaten peanut butter sandwich in my pocket, and it doesn’t bother me.” Then he smiled and gave her a kiss on the cheek and started up the trail back home.
~ end
