Ask Juliette: Cheating Spouses, Kids, Dating and Vampires.

Ask Juliette

Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone!

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on

These are real questions from real readers. If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to:


We have some tough questions this week, along with some tough answers. These are REAL questions from REAL readers. Alright, hold on tight – here we go.



Dear Juliette,

How do Vampires deal with cheating spouses?

~ Dan G.


Dear Dan G.,

Is your spouse cheating on you? Bloody Hell that can’t be fun. And you can’t kill the cheater because, well he or she is already more or less dead. Or are YOU the one cheating? If it is you then be afraid, be very afraid. It is bad enough if someone holds a grudge or gives you the stink-eye for a couple of weeks, but imagine a couple of centuries. That could be brutal.

I gotta tell you, Vampire don’t deal with cheating spouses very well. That is the main reason few Vampires get married.

Of course if one is married to a warm blooded Regular Human that is another story. You shouldn’t cheat. You shouldn’t be dishonest. You should be good but sometimes the urge to be with one with a heart that does not flutter, and the scrape of fangs along, well, any body part, is um, hard to resist.

I know that most people imagine we kill our cheating spouses. But honestly we just don’t cheat. We’re pretty complacent when it comes to relationships. Passionate, but we make it work. Forever means forever.

But you know, if there is an occasional slip with a warm blooded someone you are having for dinner, don’t sweat it. That happens. Everyone plays with their food every once in a while.

~ Juliette

This is not my bed. I don't sleep in a box.


Dear Juliette,

I’ve been made aware of a situation that could benefit from the unique advice of a vampire mom: an orphan who ran afoul of a Vampire while in foster care and survived an attempt to turn him.

While the boy didn’t become undead himself, he was left alive with a few unique abilities in addition to his memory of the experience. He hasn’t adjusted well but keeps his secret, and adults haven’t been able to get through to him even though they sense he’s hurting.

Another Vampire close to the situation is considering taking a more active role in his development. As a survivor of a similar attack herself, she’s afraid she’ll only do him harm but hopes the boy can relate even with a ten-year age difference. She is considering enrolling them both into a shared activity like martial arts as a means to built trust and get him to open up naturally, but she has serious doubts and wonders if she shouldn’t just stay as far away from the situation as possible.

What would a Vampire mom do to help the boy in this situation, a parentless child in need but not a blood relative?

~ Asking for a friend.


Dear Asking,

What a wonderful thought. Yes, do help this child. Everyone needs someone they can talk to who won’t pass judgment. Every child needs to feel normal, even when deep down inside he knows he is a little bit different.

Vampires are known for helping out those in need. One of my own brothers has adopted several Regular Human children over the years. They turned out just fine. Granted they ended up with sort of a sick and twisted sense of humor, but they had great lives. Everybody needs a Vampire in their life – the earlier the better.

A shared activity would be fantastic. I don’t recommend martial arts due to the amount of antiques, especially art pottery, you’ll find in Vampire homes. Children tend to get excited and like to practice their kicking and flailing about.

Consider Artistic Roller Skating. I’m serious. It is a unique sport in which all ages can participate. It is figure skating on wheels. American dance can be mastered by just about anyone. You and the child can do creative dance routines or even freestyle routines. Competitions are fun and you get to wear fabulous costumes. Plus off of the floor skate rinks tend to be dark. Seriously, it is a great sport. My daughter and her dance partner are National Champions. The teens just love it and the little ones are soooooo cute (even the Vampire kids.)

If you don’t have a roller skating rink in your area try ice skating. If ice skating is unavailable consider rock climbing or fly fishing. Even bird watching is fun. My cat loves it. Even race walking can be fun and it looks goofy as Hell. You’ll laugh so hard your fangs will hurt. Oh, and my husband Teddy (who I’d never cheat on) just suggested bee keeping and slam poetry.

Encourage him not to feel icky or out of place, or weird because of his unique abilities. Everybody is different and we need to embrace those differences.

No matter what you do with the child know that you are doing the right thing.

And remember family is a group of individuals who love each other and care for each other. It doesn’t matter if they’re related by blood (no matter where that blood comes from.)

~ Juliette

Vampire Teen


Dear Juliette,

Do Vampires have a soul? Some religious cults say they don’t… but knowing you I would say you do… what is the truth?

~ Soul Sister


Dear Soul Sister,

Like zealots, charlatans and politicians, some Vampires have souls and some don’t.

Yes indeed, we do have souls, at least some of us do. In fact we have two souls. One is our own and the other is for the shadows. Vampires own their own souls, which means we can’t sell them. This bugs the jebbers out of demons and old Nick himself, but screw him. We don’t need all of that mess anyway. And stay clear of angels. Holy crap they can be sanctimonious.

But completely owning your own soul has a certain amount of burden attached to it. Trust me on this one. It can be a lonely existence.

Like I always say, over and over and over, converting someone into a Vampire is risky business. If you don’t do it right, or do it with malice, you will end up with a soulless Vampire. You see, one dies in a way and if the soul is allowed to escape then they’re screwed. Those are nasty nasty shadow creeping creatures that I cannot abide. Nobody wants to be around them. That is when we call in the Vampire Hunters.

As for the rest of us, we’re just fine. I have a bunch of posts on the subject. Let me know if you want the short list (a few links are in this answer.)

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

How prevalent is depression and mental disorders in Vampires?

~ Fangs A. Lot


Dear Fangs A. Lot,

To be honest with you we’re all pretty happy and sane.

Unfortunately Vampires have their melancholy wracked nights just like Regular Humans. Other mental disorders not so much. The chemical makeup is different. Want to talk about depressed, talk to Werewolves. Those guys have it bad. Awww man I feel sorry for them.

But, that doesn’t mean someone can’t be nuts. You know what I’m talking about. We all know crazy ass people who don’t have anything wrong with them.

~ Juliette

vampire wing award


Dear Juliette,

After several dating disasters I have to ask. How can you tell the difference between a goth and a vampire? I mean like, you go to sink your fangs…. Er, nibble a little bit on your date’s neck and he turns into a Goth Vampire wanna be who freaks out at the site of blood. What the hell is up with that?

~ Lotte


Dear Lotte,

I hate it when that happens. What is wrong with some guys? Seriously? I am so sorry you had to deal with that. All Goth and afraid of a little blood. He is the real prick on your neck for sure.

A girl can never be too careful when it comes to dating. When dating there are several factors to check.

  • Is his skin cool?
  • Does he have a pulse?
  • Is he reflection fuzzy?
  • Does he avoid telling you his real age?

If that happens again immediately take away his man-card and send him on his way.

~ Juliette


Well folks, I’m done for today. If you have any burning questions about parenting, relationships or just about anything then ask away. I’ll answer next Thursday on ASK JULIETTE.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Yes I did. Now go to your room.
Yes I did. Now go to your room.


  1. “Asking” should probably have mentioned rural West Virginia has an abundance of steep hills and a lack of roller rinks/skating ponds, but message received and encouragement acknowledged. If only non-Vampires took a more active roll in their younger generation…

    1. Our kids are our future.
      Hey, you can always climb rocks, jog, do slam poetry or hiking. A 4H type of hobby like raising chickens, rabbits or training a rescue dog could work for you. Hey dog training. Every kid needs a dog. Good Luck.

      1. Did you know rabbits can scream? Nobody TOLD me rabbits could scream — never mind the other critters. Hiking and rock climbing isn’t exactly a nighttime activity…grr. Fine; slam poetry it is!

        1. Yes, rabbits, marmots and most rodents scream like Banshees. If you’re warm blooded I guarantee you won’t be after hearing that sound. It isn’t something you easily forget.

          Slam poetry is a good choice.

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