Ask Juliette: Popular Culture Edition

Ask Juliette

Ask Juliette (or Ask a Vampire) is a semi-regular feature here at

If you have a question you NEED to have answered, about anything send it to juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com, or put it in the comments here and I’ll answer it on the next Ask Juliette post.

So here we go. I have a lot of small ones this week.


Why don’t you like the violin player Lindsey Stirling. I think she is awesome.

Good, then YOU listen to her play her magical violin. I don’t know, I just find her extremely annoying and rather weird. If you like her than by all means I’m not going to stop you. Have fun.


 Why didn’t anyone in your family watch the Grammy Awards this year?

Because it is the same old shit every single year. There are so many talented and fantastic, and original artists who NEVER get recognized. I get tired of the Pink, Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, Jay-Z, and the rest of the “popular” artists. And I didn’t even mention my shock that the horrible Imagine Dragons song “Thunder” was nominated for anything. Really guys? You can do better than THAT. You used to be brilliant. What the F happened there?


What movie do you want to win Best Picture at the Oscars?

Unlike the Grammy Awards, I approve of the Oscar nominations. Of course, since Sacramento is my hometown, and I loved the movie, I’d love to see Lady Bird get as many awards as possible. I’d loved that Get Out was recognized. The rest of the films are all deserving. This is one of those years when the choice will be hard, but no matter who wins it will be ok.


Why don’t you like red pants?

We’ve gone over this before. Only small children (under ten years of age) and really old people (over eighty) should be allowed to wear red pants. Grown men should NEVER wear red pants, especially guys over thirty. So why don’t I like them? Because red pants look stupid on most people.


What if your favorite Vampire movie?

Nosferatu (1922) because it is so weird and creepy. As a rule I don’t like Vampire movies. I think my next three picks would have to be Love at First Bite, Interview With A Vampire, and of course The Lost Boys.



How do Vampires find food? It isn’t like you can just go to the grocery store.

Food is all around up. Most of us these days don’t depend on lurking around bedrooms, unless of course we’re invited. We find food at bars, and clubs. We find it at cultural events. Art events are awesome for food, as are concerts.

Most of us have several regular donors we go to. They might not know that they have their own Vampire, but they do. In return for being a regular we give them a certain amount of protection and favors.

Of course we get blood in bottles. Yes we do. And sometimes we DO eat real food. Just stay away from baked goods, sweets, and keep it simple but full of flavor. Poultry doesn’t set well with most Vampires. All things in moderation.

I get a lot of questions about this because everyone is fascinated with what we eat. Seriously folks it isn’t that interesting, but I’ll do more future posts on it.


What would your exotic support animal would you want to take on a plane?

A fresh water otter. If not that a large goat.


Alright that is all for now. Vlad’s Vampire Diary is coming up next. And remember if you have any questions about Vampires, relationships, fashion, paranormal stuff, books, following your dreams, anyone I talk about on this blog, parenting, kids, school, travel, cats, ghosts, or anything else you have just “Ask Juliette.”


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman









Ask Juliette: Parenting, Ghosts, and Change

Ask Juliette is a somewhat regular Thursday feature at

I answer real questions from real readers. If you have a question feel free to leave it in the comment section or email me at juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com

Before we get to today’s questions I have an observation…

This morning while I was out in my neighborhood walking my dog… it was an attempt to train the dog, which is sort of working. Anyway we walked over to where the Bald Eagles are nesting. Due to the influx of asshat photographers who feel as if they are gods and have a right to pester the poor new parents, the park service has put us signs telling everyone to stay away from the eagles and not bother them. Yes, there was a woman hauling a ladder out to where the eagles are.  I was ready to go out and scream at her. I assume somebody already did because I haven’t seen her around in the past few weeks. There has also been people climbing the fence (which was put there to prevent idiots from falling off of the steep bluff.)

In the wee hours of the morning my dog and I were alone with the eagles. I watched as they flew from the lake to the nest with fish. The babies flapped their small brown wings and hopped about the nest. As I walked home up my own street, my husband was driving out. He stopped and told me one of the eagles was flying over our house, about twenty feet from the deck.

I thought about the eagle parents. No parent likes to be pestered or watched when they are with their kids. Seriously, no matter what species someone is just let them alone in peace. Don’t bug them or pester them with advice. Don’t invade their privacy in order to get your daily cute fix.

Dear Juliette,

Why are ghosts so grouchy and mean? Why must they haunt the living?

As most of my regular readers know, there are a few ghosts who regularly visit me at my house – mainly Nigel and his girlfriend Mary.

So why are ghosts so grouchy and mean? Because they’re frustrated. They live in a world where they cannot participate. They’re reminded daily of what they are missing out on. For example Nigel’s 40th High School Reunion is coming up. He missed his ten-year reunion by a year. He is haunted by the thoughts of what could have been. He is angry because he never got to see his career progress, he never got to fall in love and get married, he never got to be a dad. He can’t even have a dog as a ghost, unless some dead dog attempts to latch onto him, but that rarely happens. What bugs Nigel the most is the fact that in the reunion program he’ll once more be listed with those who have also died since high school graduation. Only he can’t even see them because that isn’t how the ghost world works. Even the dead have left him behind.

Ghosts are trapped. They’re pissed off. They can’t communicate with most people. Nobody understands what it is like to be dead. So they hang out with Vampires, most of whom have died but are back in their bodies – so that even pisses ghosts off even more.

Do you see where I’m going with this? Don’t be hating on ghosts. Sure they’re obnoxious but have some understanding and sympathy.

Dear Juliette,

If I became a Vampire would anyone be there to help me adjust? Would I have to be shown how to suck blood out of people or would it just come naturally? Is there training for new Vampires?

Yes, unless you end up being a soulless Shadow Creeper someone will be there to help. We have a wide ranging support system for those who have just become Vampires. A range of issues have to be taken into consideration when one becomes a Vampire. Did you become a Vampire of your own will, or was it thrust upon you? That makes a big difference on how you’re going to react to the change. You know, anytime someone makes a profound change, be if biologically, or mentally, there are going to be adjustments. It isn’t always easy.

One of the hardest things to deal with isn’t sucking blood, but keeping your existence as a Vampire secret. You can’t tell anyone, or at least those who will in turn tell others. We don’t have a lot of rules. We don’t have many consequences to our actions except maybe forcing someone to become a Vampire, or telling someone about us.

But sure, there are people here to help. I’m one of the go-to folks for helping newbees. Like with most profound changes, everyone is different.


Dear Juliette,

What’s up? What are your plans for the blog?


Dear Juliette,

Why are Vampire men so damn sexy?

Sigh. Survival my dear. Survival.


Dear Juliette,

I just wrote a novel. I believe it is quite good, but none of my family and friends will read it. I need feedback. Now what?

If you want some feedback go online and reach out for beta readers. Most authors find that often family and friends aren’t interested in your work, especially if it a genera they don’t usually read.

Find a writing peer group either online, or with one of your local writing groups. Don’t get mad if someone reads your book and doesn’t fawn all over it. It is better you hear what you need to hear now – rather than getting a bad review or zillions of rejection letters later.

Also search blogs for like-minded individuals you think might enjoy your book, or have good, honest, educated input.

Another suggestion is to make a list of questions for your Beta Reader. Do they connect with the characters? Do the plot twists make sense? Ask what part they like best or least, and why.

Good luck.

That is all I have for today. If you can add to any of these answers please do. Everyone can always use a second opinion. 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman





Ask Juliette: Dirty Talk, Romance, and Dump the Chump Edition

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire, Advice for Everyone) is a somewhat regular Thursday feature at

This week brings an interesting variety of questions about dirty talk, love, romance, vampires, and rude people. Let’s get started.

Ask Juliette

My boyfriend always asks me to talk dirty to him when we’re having sex. I don’t know what to say. I feel stupid.

Um, well, I could give you some specifics but I’m sure you’d still feel uncomfortable. I’d feel uncomfortable.

Try starting out with compliments, and of course a few well placed adjectives. Or just giggle when he asks you to do the dirty talk. Giggles are cute. Guys like cute. This is so personal that giving advice is difficult.

One big sex rule for me (and all Vampires) is to never do anything in bed you aren’t comfortable with (that includes putting a step-stool on the bed to change an overhead light bulb, but that is a different post.) So my advice would be to tell him that you want to SHOW and not TELL.

Ask Juliette

My girlfriend and I have been together two-years and things are starting to look serious. We share interests, friends, and a lot of interests. Sex is great and we’re still romantic. My problem is that she doesn’t like what I do for a living. I make really good money but she hates what I do because to her it doesn’t sound impressive. She is all hung up on dating someone who is a doctor, attorney, CEO, or other stereotypical male power job. I told her that her attitude was shallow and sexist. She broke down in tears. By the way, I’m a nurse (RN) specializing in pediatrics. I’m proud of what I do.  This is getting to look like a deal breaker for me. 

Excuse me? You didn’t mention this woman was NUTS. Dump her. You rock!

By the way, nobody should ever make anyone feel guilty or ashamed of their chosen career/job. If you do honest work, be it blue or white collar, or no collar, there is no reason ever to be ashamed.

Ask Juliette

I wrote my boyfriend a love letter for our six month anniversary. He read it, then proceeded to correct my spelling and grammar. He thought what he did was funny, then when I didn’t laugh, he told me to stop being all butt hurt. The next thing you know I was getting a lecture on how I need to up my game, and maybe go back to school and learn how to write better. He is really sweet, and a good man but he is always giving me suggestions about everything I do. Should I ignore him? Go back to school? Or just stop writing love letters?

Dump him. Suggesting you hone your writing skills is one thing. Doing it with a love letter is just wrong. What he did was insensitive and mean. For God’s sake it was a love letter, not an SAT essay. There is nothing sweet about what he did. What a jerk.

Ask Juliette


Do Vampires and Werewolves date? 

No, not really. Why’d you ask?


Ask Juliette

The man I’m in love with is a Vampire. I haven’t acted on my hot desire for him yet. I’m afraid he might kill me because that is what Vampires do to humans. The last time I saw him he called me an endearing name and kissed my cheek. I think he might have feelings for me too but if we fall in love I will die.

Are you for real? Give me his name and I’ll tell him to stay away from you.

Ask Juliette

Dear Juliette,

I am not a Vampire, but I was wondering if it is safe to date a Vampire Hunter.

Not really. Most of them are pretty stupid, and prone to mishandle dangerous weapons.

Ask Juliette

How do Vampires deal with having to drink blood from other people? Isn’t that the most egregious violation of personal space one can commit?

Egregious. I like that word. It is a big word. Good for you. Maybe you should run for President.

No, taking blood is not the most egregious violation of personal space one can commit. In fact some people like to have a Vampire in their life. We take blood, but we give back so much more. Now go away.

Ask Juliette

Now that I’m thoroughly exhausted from answering this odd lot of questions I think I’ll call it quits for today. I’ll have more love letters for February coming up this week. And thank you everyone for not asking about woodchucks.

If you have a pressing question, or are just curious about anything just ask. Put your questions in the comments here, or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail. com


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Ask Juliette: If you’re going to Pine you might as well do it with a straight face – and other advice.

Ask Juliette

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone is a regular feature on sf_academy

Dear Juliette,

You’re always mentioning San Francisco in your blog posts. Have you ever been to the location of the Starfleet Academy.

Why, yes I have been there. It is right by the base of the Golden Gate Bridge I believe on the Marin County side. Unfortunately you’ll have to wait until the 22nd century to get in on the action. In the meantime I’ll have to say that San Francisco is the ideal location. Hands down. No arguing.

But funny you should ask because last night Clara, who loves perfume ads in magazines with a passion, pulled out a scented ad with an incredibly handsome man. She and Teddy asked who that was. I recognized him right away. It was Chris Pine, the actor who now plays James. T. Kirk, Captain of the Starship Enterprise. Clara said the cologne smelled great. I said it smelled like Chris Pine’s sweat and we should strap him to a treadmill. Then Teddy rolled his eyes and said to our daughter, “I know she’d say something. How does she come up with this stuff?”


Dear Juliette,

What color is your coffin?

I don’t have a coffin. In fact most Vampires don’t sleep in coffins. The only Vampire I know with a coffin in his house is my brother Max. He has one in his attic for when his weirder friends spend the weekend, and I suspect for, dare I say, kinky sex stuff (but I’ll deny I ever said anything.)

This is not my bed. I don't sleep in a box.

Dear Juliette,

I was recently contacted by my high school boyfriend. I haven’t seen him for twenty years, but all of the hot and heavy young passion all came right back up. I’m happily married, and haven’t acted on anything but I can’t stop thinking about him.

Don’t do it. You aren’t the same person you were when you were seventeen. You said you’re married. If your old teenage flame wants to fool around with a married woman then he has some serious character flaw issues. Tell him thanks for the memories, and leave it at that.

why get married

Alright then, that was this week’s super short installment of the most popular advice column on the World Wide Web. If you have a compelling question for next week leave a comment here OR email me in private at juliettevampiremom @ (take out the spaces that I left in to prevent trolls.)  Come on folks, give me something to work with.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Ask Juliette

Dear Juliette: Stop bugging me. Let’s listen to music.

Ask Juliette

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular feature on

If you have a question about anything either comment here or send me a private note at juliettevampiremom @


Why can’t I find the perfect man?

Because my dear that creature doesn’t exist. And if you did find him you’d be bored to death within a month or two. It is in the imperfections that we find what makes another endearing, sexy, and exciting. If you’re looking for love throw away your worn out old list of must-have qualities, and open your mind, and heart, to something new. You never know what you like until you try it.

Or maybe just stop being weird about romance. Maybe it is YOU not him. The biggest turn offs for most guys (and women) are:

  • Being too clingy
  • Expecting perfection.
  • Being needy.
  • Acting desperate.
  • Being demanding.
  • Being childish.
  • Being judgmental because he isn’t perfect.
  • Not being yourself around him.

So look deep, and be your best, be an adult, and good things will happen.


What do you think of the 2016 election?

I’m trying not to think about it. I mean, what do you think of impending doom? What do you think of someone hovering over you your neighborhood polling place? What do you think of all of the time and money wasted on so much stupidity? What do you think of guys who date sheep? What do you think of the universe rewarding only ignorance. What do you think of two political parties who couldn’t come up with two people that we actually want to vote for?

As for those cars with covered with caustic in your face bumper stickers…left or right they’re all assholes.



How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Stop it.



How many people have you turned into Vampires?

Come now, that is like asking someone how many men she has slept with.



Who are you voting for?



What is your perfect playlist?

Finally a question that is fun to answer. Thank you. It depends on my mood. This is my Friday play list, but just this Friday, it will be different next Friday (can’t guarantee you will like it.) It could be opera. It could be Blues. It could be anything.

But today it is THIS:

The song title is first, then the band/artist.

Time Bomb – Rancid

Stranger Eyes – Stranger Eyes

Mr. Brightside – The Killers

Trick of the Tail – Genesis

Hand Clap – Fitz & The Tantrums

Spirits – Strumbellas

Midnight Movies – St. Motel

The Middle – Jimmy Eat World

Move – St. Motel

Rock You Up – The Romantics

Cold Cold Man – St. Motel

Bailando (English Version) – Enrique Iglesias



Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular feature on

If you have a question about anything either comment here or send me a private note at juliettevampiremom @

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman





Ask Juliette: Just Shut The F Up, Justification for One’s Actions, Vampires, & Bat Shit Crazy Alien Abductions

Ask Juliette

Long titles aside, Ask Juliette (Advice for Everyone, Ask a Vampire) is a regular feature at

I will find an answer for just about anything you ask. Relationships, Vampires, parenting, unexplained weirdness, history, art, Halloween, party ideas, love, pets, you name it – I will find you an answer.

If you have a question email me at juliettevampiremom @ OR post a comment on one of my blog posts and let me know you want an “Ask Juliette” answer.


I’m so sick and tired of all of the political talk. At this point nobody is going to change anyone’s mind. How can I bow out gracefully when invited to lunches, dinners, and other events with all of the political junkies?

I hear you on that one. You already have the answer: Bow out gracefully. In situations like this white lies are justified to keep yourself out of the fire, or worse dead of boredom and frustration.  Say you have other plans. You don’t have to say those plans are to be somewhere you don’t have to listen to uncomfortable political banter.


Oh how many times I’ve wanted to say that to someone over the past few months. I had to explain to my teen what the full expression was. She’d never heard it before. I rarely have mom guilt, but sometimes, just a little.

Dear Juliette,

Are Vampires really dead, or undead?

Zombies are dead. I guess you could call some Vampires undead because they were briefly dead, then came back transformed, you know, as Vampires. Of course if one waits too long in the process, and lose the dead person’s soul you’re in trouble (otherwise known as deep shit.) That my dear is how monsters are created. Then again, bad parenting also creates monsters.



Oh look, someone wrote a book about me.

Oh look, someone wrote a book about us.

Dear Juliette,

As a woman from the mid 1800’s, you can completely understand the historic male violation of Bodily Integrity, but as a Vampire who occasionally feeds upon human beings in complete secrecy to protect yourself from destruction, how do you reconcile that violation? Do you feel justified merely for being what you are — that, perhaps, some even deserve it — or do you harbor guilt that in some ways you are no better than those who take choice away from others (aka “You’ll get over it; it’s not like it killed you.”) I have my own opinions on this, but it seems relevant in our current political climate to ask for yours.

I know, this is weird, especially since I absolutely HATE to have my personal space invaded.

OK let’s start with the most egregious violation of personal space: sex without mutual consent. As a rule Vampires do not sexually violate their prey. Yes, of course there is the erotic  aspect in popular culture but that is a choice one (both Vampires and donors) make. If that involves some neck biting so be it.

Forget the scary blood dripping stereotypes of Vampires. It just ain’t true, at least not with civilized, and civil Vampires of the modern age. We’re smooth about it. We’re delightful. We’re charming. And more often than not our donors don’t even know they’ve donated anything to us.

Taking blood it isn’t something we really think about. We do it because that is our food source. Just like an apple or a chicken thigh are food sources. Same thing. Only it isn’t a human food source. Believe me, when non-Vampires start to drink human blood it is just plain creepy and weird.

On the other hand, my brother Andy has tormented himself over the years with this very question. Unfortunately there is no getting around it. Being vegan isn’t an option. Sure we could get all of our blood from bottles but without that personal connection one lacks that sense of truly being alive.

I feel no guilt because, as with most Vampires, we give back when we take. I make sure I leave my donors with sweet dreams and good vibes. That is payment for their efforts. I also leave cookies for my regulars. Seriously, just like at the blood bank.

The Vampire/Human relationship is a rather nice symbiotic one. It has worked for thousands of years with few complaints from our dinner companions.

Of course, as you know, all of us (Vampires) can be as scary as Hell when we want to be, or have to be.

I do need to address another issue. You mentioned that I started out in the mid-19th Century. To be exact, I started out in 1859. I, along with my mother, and other female Vampires thought that things would be different by now. Equality of the sexes has always been the rule in Vampire culture. It is sad, and even tragic that by 2016 that humans are still so backwards when it comes to equal rights and equal respect for everyone. Unfortunately there will always be misogynistic pigs in our society who revel in the sexualization of women.



I believe I’ve been abducted by aliens. Memories of large orbed creatures in my bed haunt my dreams. I feel the probes. I wake up with piercing pain, but at the same time I feel extremely sexual, as if I’ve made love to someone who wasn’t there. Do you believe aliens have visited Earth and have made contact?

Ever hear the expression Bat Shit Crazy? Just wondering. Do you sleep with your cats? Do you wear tinfoil on your head to keep radio waves from stealing your thoughts?

To answer the question of the existence of aliens on Earth is a tricky one. We know that Time Travelers are all using stolen technology. Nobody knows where it came from so it might be from aliens. But seriously, out all of the billions of souls on this planet you think one came into your room, took you up to a spaceship and had sex with you? Really? Really? If you’d said you saw a ghost or a Vampire I might believe you because there are a hell of a lot of ghosts and Vampires around. I mean, sure there might be aliens. They might be taking your teeth. They might be putting microchips behind your ears. They might be having cocktails on their deck and laughing about you. If you look at Earth you’ll find that we are a long way from everywhere. Nobody visits us, even with four wheel warp drive. And if they are visiting I’d think they’d have the balls to look us in the face and be honest about it.


Dear Juliette,

How can I keep my boyfriend from looking at other women? When I’m with him I expect 100% of his attention.

You can’t keep him from looking at other women unless you put a blindfold on him. My advice would be to break up with him, and when you’re mature enough to start dating again find another man – maybe someone without a spine.



Thanks for dropping by.

Ask Juliette (Advice for Everyone, Ask a Vampire) is a regular feature at

I will find an answer for just about anything you ask. Relationships, Vampires, parenting, unexplained weirdness, history, art, Halloween, party ideas, love, pets, you name it – I will find you an answer.

If you have a question email me at juliettevampiremom @ OR post a comment on one of my blog posts and let me know you want an “Ask Juliette” answer.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman