An odd blog exchange.

So you wanna be a Vampire?  I get messages and questions along these lines from time to time. There is the weird SPAMMING guy, who I think is from England who claims to be a Vampire. I’ve blocked him with SPAM filters.
Then there are those random message exchanges like this one. 

 

Buck  June 17, 2019 at 12:20 pm
I m bor of mu life please convert me into vampire
Reply
Juliette KingsJune 17, 2019 at 12:30 pm
If you’re bored now you’ll still be bored as a Vampire. Unfortunately that is the way things are in the paranormal world.
Reply
BuckJune 17, 2019 at 10:05 pm
I seen every thing and my childhood wish is change into vampire I try to talk satan but its very difficult please help me
Reply
Juliette Kings  June 18, 2019 at 11:59 am
We’re not talking to Satan. As Vampires we don’t talk to anyone or let ourselves be ruled by anyone. We’re not demons. Sorry can’t help
Buck June 18, 2019 at 1:27 pm
As I know u know how to convert in vampire I wish please tell me
Reply
Buck June 18, 2019 at 1:29 pm
My life is like death please help me try to understand my choice please tell me how To convert in vampire I do anything
Juliette KingsJune 18, 2019 at 7:33 pm
Go to college. Get a degree. Meet a girl. Fall in love. Get a good job. Get a dog. You have to be in a good place before anyone will consider having you join the Vampire community.
Buck
I want all but as next life I like please tell me how my transform a vampire please please…
Juliette Kings
No
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That is where it ended. I suppose I should do my usual thing and talk about how happiness should come from within, and that if you ask here about Vampire conversion the answer will always be NO. But I’ll just leave it for today.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Ask Juliette: About Vampire Powers, and GOT

Welcome to “Ask Juliette” aka “Ask a Vampire” a not so regular semi-regular feature here at vampiremaman.com.

I answer all sorts of questions about life, love, Vampires, parenting, pets, wine, cheese, art, and anything else YOU need answers for or help with. If you have a question leave it in the comment section below or send me an email message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail.com.

So here we go.

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Dear Juliette: I’m working on becoming a vampire. Could you please tell me about vampire powers? I also want to know if vampires can change their physical appearance (like getting taller or changing their face) or can they learn to do so? Thanks!!

I’m not sure what you mean by working on becoming a vampire. You’re either a vampire or you’re not. If you want to become a Vampire find a reliable and trusted community of Vampires to help you out. It isn’t all about drinking blood. 

As for powers, I like to think of it as Vampire specific abilities or talents.

Yes, Vampires can change their physical appearance as much as anyone else can. Fortunately we can also make people THINK we look different than we actually do. We can’t get taller unless one is a child. 

We (Vampires) can also give you sweet dreams or bad dreams. That is one of our most useful tools.

We can erase short term memories. We can give you long term memories. We can lock our eyes on yours and make you do all kinds of things. That is the sure fire defense against Vampire Hunters. We’re quiet. We’re strong. We’re pretty fast for the most part. We can seem invisible. 

Vampires know when someone is telling a lie.

One of my favorite traits is that people are extremely attracted to us. Seriously. There is no need to climb through bedroom windows and creep around to find donors. People like us. Of course they do. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

Vampires heal fast. We can also heal each other, and regular people (if we feel like it.)

However, we can’t always find our keys, or the mates to our socks, or top lids that match the bottom – just like everyone else. 

Contrary to popular belief we do not sparkle (unless we use glitter lotion), we do not burn to a crisp in the sun, we don’t avoid mirrors, crosses and other religious symbols don’t burn us. Sure we avoid churches because we’re not welcome. Some of us are more sensitive to the sun, but that is true with any population group. 

Vampires like coffee. Food with a lot of sugar (and carbs) tend to make us extremely sick. We usually don’t eat birds/poultry.

Vampires have a strong connection to animals.

Vampires can see Ghosts, Demons, Angels, Spirits, Fairies, and all sorts of beings most regular people can’t see.

When writing Vampires start words like Vampire, Werewolf, and Ghost, with a capitol letter. 

As a rule Vampires are not overly fond of Time Travelers.

As with everyone else, each Vampire has their own special powers/skills. The longer you’re a Vampire the more you’ll learn and refine those skills.

Of course, if you’re the kind of Vampire who has no soul that is entirely another set of answers. I won’t go their this morning. I haven’t finished my coffee yet so I’m not up to that conversation.

For more information about Vampires browse though my blog. There are about 2,000 posts here and a good portion are about Vampires. The other posts are about parenting, cats, coffee, and other assorted unrelated subjects.

Good luck on your transformation. I hope it is what you really want.

 

crowletter

Dear Juliette: Who do you think will be left at the end of Game of Thrones?

I don’t know, but if any dragons are left they can send them to my house.  

 

And NOW a shameless plug. If you like fantasy and dragons check out the WPaD Anthology Dragons and Dreams. Available at all fine online booksellers. Proceeds go to support those with MS.

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Thanks for coming by. Now I’m off to find more coffee and then vacuum tons of dog hair off of my carpets.

If you have a question or if you just want to know what I think about something feel free to ask.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Alice

My dog Alice

Burning Question #15: Dinosaur Daze

Tiny tots of either sex
Adore Tyrannosaurus Rex
Indeed, all little ones adore
Any savage carnivore
Of which, O Rex, though rightly boastest
Thou art not only first, but mostest.

~ Ogden Nash

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On Valentine’s Day 2001 I spent one the most romantic days of my entire life with my husband at a Russian Dinosaur Exhibition in Old Sacramento. The babies were in daycare so it was, just us, holding hands, and walking through avenues of the most amazing wondrous and strange collection of bones we’d ever seen. They were millions and millions of years old, from a time on Earth we can barely imagine. On a weekday afternoon not many others were there. It our own romantic get-a-way. Damn, it was seriously romantic. We might be Vampires but that doesn’t mean the only thing we do in our spare time is frighten the crap out of people, or drain the blood out of everyone we know. Vampires know how to do romance, yes indeed we do. Anyway, back to dinosaurs…

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Every kid loves dinosaurs. I don’t know an adult who doesn’t love dinosaurs. We love Jurassic Park. We love Sue at the Field Museum in Chicago. We love Barney… ok we don’t all love Barney, but you get the point. When my daughter was a tiny tot her favorite stuffed animal was flying dinosaur that she called Terridackel. How cute is that. And yes, she still has Terridackel.

So what happened to these amazing huge beasts who once walked our planet before us?

Many scientists believe that the dinosaurs were wiped out by a massive asteroid that collided with Earth 65 million years ago, devastating the planet and wiping out 99% of all species. I think it was supposed to be where the Gulf of Mexico is right now but don’t quote me on it. And no, I doubt if anyone was in New Orleans or Key West at the time drinking Hurricanes (see recipe below) and watching it all. That said, evidence has been found to challenge the giant asteroid theory. Some Paleontologists claim to have unearthed dinosaur fossils in layers of soil that were formed around 66 million years ago, after the supposed meteor strike. Sounds good to me, but then again what do I know? I know that this is a BURNING QUESTION.

Burning Question #15: Were dinosaurs were wiped out by a massive asteroid or was it something else?

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Now that you’ve had major brain drain over dinosaurs and their fate it is cocktail time.

Hurricane

  • 1 part dark rum
  • 1 part light rum
  • 1/2 part lime juice
  • 1 part passion fruit or pineapple juice or nector
  • Garnish with whatever fruit you like (no olives or cocktail onions – use FRUIT)
  • Serve over loads of ice.

Yes, I posted it this way so you could make as much or as little Hurricane magic as you like depending on when you want to fall down on the floor. And remember – don’t drink and drive, or drink and use chainsaws. 

Thank you for stopping by for Burning Question #15. We have 35 Burning Questions to go. I’ll see you next Saturday for #16.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman and Dinosaur Expert.

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Hey look, I’ve got feathers! How cool is that?

 

 

Burning Question #11: I had to ask…yes, it’s about Vampires

Well crap, I accidentally posted this today instead of Saturday so just pretend the weekend is starting early. As an added bonus I’ll post burning question #12 on Saturday. And remember don’t just tell me you like this post, give me an answer. It is fast, painless, and easy.

vampire girls

If you’re here you know this blog is Vampire Maman – Musings of a Modern Vampire Mom. And if you’re here you know it is Saturday and time for the BURNING QUESTION.

Yes, I have to ask this one. 

Everyone has different ideas about Vampires.

Some believe they are evil beings lacking souls and from the depths of Hell (of goodness.) Some believe the Twilight shit and think they are weird old sparkling creatures who stalk high school girls (the whole concept disgusts me, both as a parent and as a woman.) You do know that is fiction don’t you? It is. Get over it.

Some believe they follow ancient blood rituals and live by a strict order set down by ancient laws (I can’t even hardly write that without laughing.) It just doesn’t work for most Vampires.

Some believe they are all like Dracula or the Vampires in the Anne Rice books (all fun and well written, or at least most of them.)

And some… a few, know that Vampires are just like everyone else except we live a long long long time, have a lower body temperature, can see ghosts, drink blood, can be pretty scary if we want, are extra sexy, can get a bit pissy, and are generally good parents, among other things.

And sometimes Vampires are just dried up old assholes who live in crypts and come out at night with their joints creaking as the dust falls off of their jackets and scare the shit out of people. There ARE Vampires like that and they’re pretty disgusting.

Just like normal folks real Vampires come in a lot of flavors.

If you aren’t sure of an answer please feel free to ask questions, or search this blog for answers.

Burning Question #11: Would you willingly become a Vampire?

 

Now that didn’t hurt a bite, I mean bit.

Oh come one, admit it was fun.

I’ll be back next Saturday with Burning Question #12. If you have a burning question you’d like answered let me know. See me on FB or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail. com

xoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Burning Question #10: Humorous Byproducts

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This week I want you to make sure your thinking caps are secure. It is time for Burning Question #10.

We’re going to be conscious about the seriousness of this question today. We’re also going to try to stay awake, which is another type of consciousness. We’re going to try to keep our humor about ourselves. And we’re going to all get along or something weird with Vampires might happen and you don’t want THAT.

gothhippie

Excuse me, um yes, we’re going to be philosophical today. On a personal note, true story, I used to date a guy who knew everything about Kant. On a parenting note tell your kids not to date philosophy majors. But I Kant* talk about that now…

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Burning Question #10: Is a sense of humor a byproduct of consciousness or something else entirely?

 

 

23sme

And then there are cats but they aren’t part of this question. That is another question entirely. Dogs are included in that as well. But are cats and dogs even conscious of their own existence? Do they have a sense of humor? The answer is YES and YES on both, at least for cats. OK for dogs too. Cats are just such assholes that they don’t give a shit what anybody thinks but they’ll eat your byproducts (so will dogs.)

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This has been the 10th of 50 Burning Questions. Only 40 more Burning Questions to go. See you next Saturday for #11.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

*Kant didn’t say any of this and is no doubt now rolling over in his grave right now, or he might be laughing. You never know. His name just makes for a great pun. 

 

 

Burning Question #7: Jungle Love

Burning Question #7

It is now time for this week’s BURNING QUESTION. When I get to question #50 we’ll be at the end, or maybe not. Anyhow…

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I was listening to the radio and the Steve Miller song Jungle Love came on and it got me thinking. It got me thinking about Tarzan. It was driving me crazy.

Don’t know much about Tarzan? Here, read this. I took it from Wikipedia. Tarzan (John Clayton, Viscount Greystoke) is a fictional character, an archetypal feral child raised in the African jungle by the Mangani great apes; he later experiences civilization only to largely reject it and return to the wild as a heroic adventurer. Created by Edgar Rice Burroughs, Tarzan first appeared in the novel Tarzan of the Apes (magazine publication 1912, book publication 1914), and subsequently in 25 sequels, several authorized books by other authors, and innumerable works in other media, both authorized and unauthorized.

Needless to say Tarzan took off like hot fudge on ice cream and was made into movies, cartoons, comics, and animated films. Everybody loves a sexy English Jungle guy, raised by apes. What heart isn’t melted by the thought of a wealthy Englishman who grew up as a feral child? Of course I did everything I could do to keep my kids from being feral children but that is another post.

But still, there is a burning unanswered question about Tarzan.

Look at ALL of the photos below of Tarzan. Do you see any trace of a three-day beard, or even overnight beard growth? No you don’t. Neither do I.

 

 

 

So what’s up with Tarzan? He is a hunka hunka burning Jungle Love but no chest hair, no beard, no pit hair. What’s under his loin cloth? OK we won’t go there today, but you know where I’m going with this (maybe you don’t but I’m not going to explain.) If you really want to know ask Jane. We all know she knows what is under his loin cloth.

Tarzan was raised by a bunch of apes after his human parents died. Apes don’t shave. They don’t have tools. They don’t have Amazon Prime so they can’t even order razors online, and if they could they wouldn’t use them to shave their faces.

And who taught Tarzan how to make a loin cloth, and what is that loin cloth made of?

But back to that handsome face… Does he shave? Did he keep his dad’s razor? Seriously the books and movies never mention anyone going potty, so he might be shaving off of the written page, behind the scenes.

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If Tarzan’s parents had left him in the Pacific Northwest or British Columbia he’s be shaving like this guy.

Burning Question #7: Does Tarzan Shave?

So answer the question. Yes or No. Does Tarzan Shave?

 

Now everybody shout out: AAAAAAeeeeeeaaaaaEEEEEaaaaaaaaaaaaaEEEEEaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Now that you’ve answered the Burning Question we’re going to have a sing along. The first song always makes me cry. It is from the Disney Tarzan Movie. It is about Tarzan and his ape mom. OMG my eyes are watering up right now. The second song does not make me get all squishy but sing along anyway. Take it away Phil and Steve.

Did you notice I didn’t even ask about the six pack and I’m not talking about what beer Tarzan drinks.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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