25 Burning Questions I can’t, don’t want to answer, or will not answer.

I’ve been seriously thinking about starting up the ever so popular Burning Questions series on this blog again. For those of you who are new here, it is where I ask a question and YOU answer.

In the meantime here are Twenty Five Burning Questions I can’t answer, don’t want to answer, or will not answer.

Why would anyone marry someone with children who don’t like them?

Why would anyone marry something with children they don’t like?

Why would anyone marry someone with children who don’t like them?

Why would you marry someone who doesn’t like your kids?

Why won’t you turn me into a vampire? 

Why would anyone who wants children marry someone who doesn’t?

Why would someone who doesn’t want children marry someone who wants children?

Why do people adopt animals with no intention on keeping them forever?

Why do people treat children badly just because the parents are assholes?

What Hogwarts house do you belong to?

What would your Superpower be?

Batman or Superman?

Why don’t your socks match?

Where do socks go after you put them in the dryer?

What is the deal with middle aged men and their leaf blowers?

What is it with some politician’s wives and daughters and the obsessions with wearing 7-8 inch hooker heels?

Don’t men realize how stupid and pathetic they look with their much younger trophy wives?

Don’t trophy wives realize how stupid and pathetic everyone thinks they are?

Why do dogs beg to out to pee in the middle of the night in the rain then refuse to pee?

Why are cats such assholes?

Why are some people afraid to talk to their children?

Why does the media think precocious brats are cute? 

What the fuck is wrong with people who say, “everything happens for a reason?”

Why do you blog about Vampires?

Why do you capitalize Vampire on this blog?

What if your child was gay?

As you can tell some of these questions have answers. Think about it, especially if you’ve been reading my blog for a while. I take parenting seriously. If your kids don’t come first then why did you have them in the first place? Everyone has to be selfish but not at the expense of your children. If you want to fuck up your kids it isn’t your business – it is their business and they will hate you forever for it. They might not tell you but they will. That’s all. Yes, I’m an old judgmental Vampire, but this is my blog and my kids turned out great and so I can write what I want.

Stay safe. Wear your mask. Be kind. Help and check in on those who are elderly or might need extra help. Talk to your kids. Hug your dog. Let your cat in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out. And most important of all…kiss a Vampire.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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Short Story Sunday: Prisoner of Love

It wasn’t as if Andy had planned on being locked in a basement. No windows. It wasn’t like he’d turn into a bat because he couldn’t do that, but he could make them think he wasn’t there. Or at least he hoped that was true, considering he had no idea who had locked him away.

He thought about the Count of Monte Cristo.

How did I escape? With difficulty. How did I plan this moment? With pleasure.

But unlike Edmond Dantes, Andy didn’t have a mad priest to show him the way to treasure so that he could get revenge on his captor and win back the woman he loved.

Andy thought about the woman he loved for a bit. Did she love him? Or was she rejecting him simply because he was a Vampire and she was not? Or was he just thinking about it way too much.

It would have been nice to be back in his own comfortable home, playing the piano, entertaining friends or curled up in a chair with a good book and a nice goblet of wine or blood or…

A sudden noise brought him out of he reverie. A brick popped out of the wall and a pale hand came through. What could this sudden event of fate mean? Was he to be rescued?

He reached for the hand. It pulled back at his touch.

“You’re like ice,” hissed a quiet voice.

“I run a little cold. Who are you?”

“I am but a prisoner of love.”

Andy took a deep breath, at least a deep one for a Vampire. Why did he always find himself in situations like this with someone who was bat shit crazy?

“Where are we and why? No stupid answers.”

He was answered with silence. That wouldn’t do. Andy went to the hole in the wall and looked through. It was dark but he could see a slight shadow. “Answer me. Where are we? Do you know?”

Something jumped on his lap and shook him awake. Andy let his book (The Count of Monte Cristo) drop and nearly tipped over the goblet on the table next to his favorite reading chair. A small black kitten curled up and started to purr. What a crazy dream. What a strange and bizarre dream he’d had. But he didn’t have a black kitten.

Sitting still and quiet Andy listened for noise of a visitor. He’d hear the slightest breath or an excited heart beat. If they were close enough he’d smell blood.

There was no other living thing in the room except Andy and the kitten.

“Where did you come from dear kitty?”

The kitten only purred. She was tiny, maybe 8 weeks old at the most. A sense of unease overcame him. Someone was in the house. Making his fangs ready he stood and turned around. Standing behind him was a pale form – a woman in a long silken dress and platinum blonde hair. She held out her hand.

“I am but a prisoner of love,” she whispered.

“Is this your cat?”

But Andy never got his answer. She vanished in a wisp of smoke with the smell of sulphur.

The next morning he walked the exclusive old neighborhood and asked if anyone knew who the kitten belonged to. He even put up posters. Nobody had lost a kitten. Nobody had an answer for him.

What is it with Vampires and cats and love? He laughed then said aloud, “If you’re going to haunt my dreams and my house you might as well tell me who you are.”

He felt a cold blast of air then heard a soft laugh then the soft sound of a woman’s voice “When you compare the sorrows of real life to the pleasures of the imaginary one, you will never want to live again, only to dream forever.”

It was a quote from The Count of Monte Cristo.

A prisoner of love. “Not me,” thought Andy, “not me.”

~ End

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Answers To Questions About Vampires: 2020 Edition

It has been a while (at least two years) since I answered your questions about Vampires. If I don’t cover what you are looking for here just leave your question in the comments section.

  • Yes, Vampires take off their masks when they eat. 
  • Since most Vampires don’t double dip there isn’t a huge chance of any of them spreading diseases. If someone is sick or infected Vampires stay away from them. We try to keep the food chain clean.
  • You are correct. Vampires do not like fire. Do any of us like fire? Really? Ask anyone in Australia or the West Coast of the US about that.  
  • No.
  • Sorry, the answer will always be no.
  • Light sensitivity depends on the individual. Thank goodness for sunscreen, dark shades, and hats.
  • No.
  • No.
  • No.
  • Type A. 
  • Sure if a Vampire is an American Citizen they’ll vote. 
  • It is a secret ballot. We don’t need to tell you who or what we’re voting for. 
  • Old Vampires dating teenagers is frowned upon. We are not pedophiles. 
  • I won’t answer that.
  • I don’t know.
  • It’s a bitch when your fangs get caught up in a mask.
  • Don’t believe everything you hear or read, especially when it comes to Vampires.
  • No Vampires will not go public in 2020.
  • Werewolves also will not go public in 2020.
  • There won’t be a Zombie apocalypse in 2020.
  • Yes, Vampires can see ghosts. It doesn’t mean we like them. Just like you don’t have to like everyone you see.
  • Yes, Vampires are social distancing but not with each other. That doesn’t mean YOU shouldn’t continue to social distance.
  • Now more than ever we need to fight for the future of our young people. Just keep thinking about keeping the food supply clean.
  • I’m not wearing black today. 
  • Yes, there are stupid questions.

Just in case you missed it or need a reminder… Answers About Vampires From Previous Posts: 

  • No. If you’re bitten by a Vampire you won’t automatically turn into a Vampire. It’s more complicated than that.
  • Yes, our body temperature is lower than yours.
  • No, we’re not all creepy.
  • No, going into a church will not kill us. It makes us uncomfortable so if we’re there we’re in the back row. But seriously don’t look for us there. Nobody likes Vampires in their church, and we just go for the music.
  • Yes, we celebrate the same holidays as you do.
  • Yes, Vampires drink coffee. Hell yes we drink coffee.
  • No Vampires aren’t off the grid, at least most of us aren’t. We have passports, birth certificates, drivers licenses, and other required documents. We also vote.
  • Despite popular opinion Eric Trump is not a Vampire.
  • Yes, Vampire fangs are retractable. Unfortunately, just like old car windows, fangs on certain individuals can drop down with no warning, stick up, stick down, or have other “mechanical” issues. Fortunately the car window fang thing is rare.
  • You need answers…
  • No, bats don’t make good pets. They’ll die. Don’t do it.
  • No, we don’t tear people’s throats out. Think of the mess. And seriously do you rip the door off of your refrigerator every time you get something to eat? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
  • No, I don’t sleep in a coffin. I really want one of the Sleep Number beds.
  • Yes, we are sensitive to light. Thank you for asking and pass the sunscreen.
  • Yes, sometimes we do eat real food (we need fiber just like you).
  • Yes, we do have paranormal powers. No I won’t tell you about them.
  • Ask a Werewolf if you want to know about Werewolves.
  • No, garlic will not kill us. Now your breath… that is another issue.
  • No, a cross will not burn us.
  • Yes, if you destroy my heart or cut off my head I’ll die. So will you.
  • Yes, this is a real Rolex. I purchased it new in 1959.
  • Yes, cat blood is pretty nasty.
  • Yes, we do hunt vegans.
  • No, being a vegan will cause a Vampire to go into a coma for a very long time.
  • Because you’d kill us.
  • No, we usually just make them think they did. That’s why people love us and have so many fantasies about us.
  • No, we can’t have biological children with a regular human.
  • No, less than 10% of humans turned into vampires survive more than a few weeks. Of that only 5% will make it. 90% die within an hour. Did that answer your questions?
  • We wear other colors. Not just black.
  • Yes, we do prefer red wine over white.
  • No, I won’t answer questions about THAT.
  • Yes, Werewolf blood does taste sort of like Bourbon.
  • Yes, we do get married to other Vampires. No we don’t marry regular people (it usually doesn’t work out for obvious reasons.)
  • No we don’t marry Werewolves. What is wrong with you?
  • No, I will not show you my teeth. 

Thank you for dropping by today. I hope I answered at least a few of your questions.

One more answer – yes the new WordPress Block Editor sucks big time. It is difficult to use and extremely buggy and makes posting on blogs more difficult and time consuming as ever.

Wear a mask. Talk to your kids. Hug your dogs and cats. Check in on those who are elderly, alone, or might need some extra help. And as always, kiss a Vampire.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Ask Juliette: Disgusting Creepers, Twilight, and Fun Movies

Welcome to “Ask Juliette” aka “Ask a Vampire” a not so regular semi-regular feature here at vampiremaman.com. I answer all sorts of questions about life, love, Vampires, parenting, pets, possums, paranormal, wine, cheese, art, and anything else YOU need answers for or help with.

If you have a question leave it in the comment section below or send me an email message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail.com.

So here we go.

 

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The Rude Party Guest

Dear Juliette,

A few months ago while attending a dinner party at a friend’s home I sat next to a man I’d met at previous parties. I’ll call him Mr. D We talked for a while about parenting, social issues, and food. It was nothing but nice polite talk. Later that evening Mr. D told me we had a connection and that he knew we’d been lovers in another life. I smiled politely and went to find my husband. Sure the guy might have been charmed by me, but he was also full of shit. I’m a married woman in my late 50’s. I love my husband, who by the way is sexy and still hot, not that it makes a difference. I wasn’t looking for attention.

My husband had to leave early and Mr. D watched as I kissed my man goodbye. While in the kitchen talking to friends Mr. D came into the room and started rubbing my back. When I stepped away he would step closer again and touch me again. Juliette, this guy is adored by everyone in my friend’s friend group. I wasn’t going to turn around and yell “knock it off.” I was just shocked.

Later when everyone was leaving he  hugged me, kissed me, and grabbed my ass. I was shocked, again. I felt so violated. I made sure he didn’t walk me to my car. When I got home I told my husband about it. He said I should let it go unless it happens again.

I told my grown children and their spouses. They were all shocked. There reaction was shock. It said a lot about how younger generations take this kind of information. I was going to tell my friend who hosted the party but then social distancing started. She works for a hospital on the front line so I didn’t want to bother her. When things get back to normal, as in more parties, do I tell her? If this man ever touches me again I will tell him loudly and clearly that it is NOT acceptable. My husband said he’d also tell the guy it is unacceptable. But, should I tell my friend?

Oh yuck. I am so sorry you have to deal with such a pig. Yes, you should tell your friend. Be calm. Just state the facts. If this man ever touches you again please immediately tell him to stop. Don’t worry about who might hear you. This is unacceptable behavior. Nobody has the right to touch you without your permission, no matter how old you are. It sounds like you have a plan. Stick with it.  

 

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And speaking of disgusting creepers…

Dear Juliette,

I know you are into Vampires, so why do you dislike Twilight so much?

Into Vampires? Yes, you could say that.

So why don’t I like Twilight. Let me count the ways.

First of all the story is fucking stupid and creepy in a gross way.

Second, and the most important reason is that Twilight is a story of an older man taking advantage of an underaged girl. Edward was born in 1901. Bella was born in 1987. Do the math. I don’t care if the guy is a Vampire or looks like he is seventeen. He is a creeper hanging out at a high school and taking advantage of girls. 

Any Vampire who has ANY self-respect would NEVER do something like that. NEVER. 

The Third reason is that Vampires and Werewolves having rumbles in the forest like they’re right out of West Side Story is fucking stupid. 

The Forth reason is obvious. Vampires don’t sparkle.

The Fifth reason, and last I’ll mention today, is the fact that Bella’s father didn’t do shit about his daughter hanging out with Vampires. Give me a break. Any dad who cared would have kicked Edward’s sorry skinny Vampire ass. 

Yes, the Twilight series got a lot of kids to read, but I just wish they’d read something that had better relationship and general life advice. No seventeen year old girl needs to feel like running away with an older man is EVER and answer. It is always the WRONG answer.

 

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Dear Juliette,

What are the best movies you’ve watched during quarantine?

Thank you for asking. I’ve been fortunate so have seen some wonderful films over the past few month. Below is the short list. These are my favorites. 1-4 are movies I’d see again and maybe again.

  1. Searching
  2. The Half of It
  3. Blow the Man Down
  4. Good Boys
  5. Peanut Butter Falcon

Thanks for asking. All are fun and unexpected. The first four are exceptional. Searching will keep you on the edge of your seat, especially if you’re a parent. It kind of ties in with some of the questions asked today.

 

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Stalker in the Making

Dear Juliette,

I went out with a guy I knew in high school. We are in our 20’s now. It wasn’t a romantic date, just catching up – so I thought. Now he leaving me long phone messages, zillions of texts, and telling me that he loves me. I wouldn’t answer him so he texted me and told me he tested positive for Covid-19. Now what?

BLOCK HIM from EVERYTHING. Block him from your phone and ALL social media. Take this seriously. BLOCK HIM. Tell your friends to block him. Tell your friends not to give him ANY information about you. His story about the Covid-19 sounds like a lie because he is mad at you for not calling him back, but don’t take any chances and GET TESTED. 

In the meantime just see people within your bubble until things start to get back to normal. Don’t take any chances. 

 

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Thanks for dropping by. If you have a question about parenting, relationships, vampires, food, books, movies, cats, or anything else leave a comment below or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com.

To view the Ask Juliette archive CLICK here.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

Burning Question #64: Distracted Driving

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Yesterday I was almost hit by a mail truck. The driver didn’t even see me. He can blowing out of a side street. I got out of his way by about six inched and he kept going, almost hitting a parked car. I don’t think he even saw me.

Today someone almost hit me on a semi-busy street.

I’m not out much these days but I’ve seen more distracted drivers than ever. Fewer drivers but more distracted. People are driving super slow on the freeway and super fast on the neighborhood streets. You’d think it was a full moon (no offense to my Werewolf friends.)

 

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Cars are our homes away from home. We get in, crank up the music, and go on auto pilot. But sometimes we see weird things.

 

 

Leave your comments and distracted and weird driver stories below just for fun. Leave them even if they aren’t fun, but anything not nice will be removed. You know the game. I’ll be back tomorrow with a new short story.

And get off your phone when you drive. It can wait. Don’t be a dick.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Questions Answered, Advice Dished Out, Just Ask Juliette

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Need Advice? Click here for forty five (45) posts with answers to most of your questions about parenting, relationships, love, Vampires, life, and anything you every wondered about.

https://vampiremaman.com/ask-juliette-advice-for-everything/

Welcome to “Ask Juliette” aka “Ask a Vampire” a not so regular semi-regular feature here at vampiremaman.com.

I answer all sorts of questions about life, love, Vampires, parenting, pets, possums, paranormal, wine, cheese, art, and anything else YOU need answers for or help with.

If you have a question leave it in the comment section below or send me an email message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail.com.

I will be starting up “Ask Juliette” again as a regular Saturday feature. So send me a question, a problem to be solved, or just something gripping, funny, or odd you want to discuss.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Vampire mom