Ask Juliette: Unsolicited Advice and Answers to Frequently Asked Questions

I am a big fan of advice columns. I always have been. I’m sure there is some deep seated reason for that, or maybe not. Advice columns are nothing new. The first ones came out in the late 1600’s. I’m sure there were earlier versions etched in stone or drawn on hunks of prehistoric leather somewhere.

The biggest advice I can give to anyone is: LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES. That means learn, figure out what you did or did not do, figure out what when wrong, and do not do it again. Look at people who are doing it right and figure out why that works. Keep an open mind. Don’t listen to advice from people who have crappy kids, horrible marriages, and train wreck lives – unless it is so you can learn what NOT to do.

Alright, lets get this roller coaster started.

My partner/boyfriend/girlfriend does not want children and I do. I love them so much that I’m going to give up on my dreams of a family.

If you want children DO NOT marry someone who does NOT want children. Period. Don’t do it. I’ve seen too many people look longingly at other people’s kids, or worse, resent their friends or family members who do have children.

I’ve wanted to scream at people not to hate me because I’m a mom. I made sure I was with someone who also wanted children. You could have done the same. YOU COULD HAVE DONE THE SAME. It was your choice.

But I love them so much. Do you realize how stupid that sounds? That isn’t a reason to marry someone. That is not a good reason to hitch your star to the goat cart of someone who does not want the same things out of life that you do. Kids are a BIG DEAL. Don’t give up on any of your dreams because you’re feeling desperate or besotted with someone who doesn’t want the same thing. Why would you do that? Why? WHY?

In turn don’t feel forced to have children if you don’t want them. Please do not have kids if you don’t feel it is your choice. That is unfair to everyone – especially you.

Kids or no kids it is YOUR CHOICE. Don’t let someone else make the biggest decision in your life for you.

What Hogworts house do you belong to?

I don’t do Hogworts.

Who is your favorite superhero?

I don’t do superheroes. I don’t understand the obsession with them. I might mention them in a short story but I’m really not into the whole Marvel and DC thing. The artwork is cool. The stories are fun. It just isn’t my thing. If you like them then by all means enjoy and have fun. Just be careful that you don’t get runs in your tights. Good tights are expensive. My daughter was in skating. I know how much tights cost.

But seriously let us all think about the real superheroes – the first responders in the Covid-19 Crisis, the teachers, the parents helping with online schooling, the polices, the fire fighters, people who run food banks, online art docents, people who run animal shelters, and everyone who works to make this sad old world a better place.

I love comics and memes. I’m just not into the kind with tights and capes.

I’m tired of my boring life. Can you turn me into a Vampire?

Can I turn you into a Vampire? Yes. Will I turn you into a Vampire? No. Absolutely not.

Changing into a Vampire, or anything else that you’re not will not change your boring life. You need to ask yourself why your life is boring. Is it your situation? Is it your friends? Is it the pandemic? Are you depressed? Are you just a boring person?

Broaden your horizons. Try something new that isn’t drastic. Take an art class. Do an online dance class. Listen to some TED talks. Make a list of things you’d like to try – no matter how crazy that list is. Do not put being a Vampire, a Werewolf, or a Ghost on that list. Please do not put ZOMBIE on that list.

Vampires are driven by the forces of evil, without souls or love. Their blood lust drives them to do unspeakable acts. They live in the darkness…

Well, aren’t we feeling weird and rudely entitled today.

I am a cis man dating a cis woman. My girlfriend and I both have good jobs and support ourselves. My girlfriend thinks because I am the guy that I should pay for everything. What do you think?

Dump her. This is 2021. You aren’t living in a Rock Hudson / Doris Day movie. Healthy relationships are built on friendship and trust, not on money or outdated role models.

My boyfriend is extremely jealous. He questions everything I do. He checks my phone messages and my email. He doesn’t like it when I talk to other guys. He doesn’t like my friends. Other than that he is a great guy, and I really love him. What should I do.

He isn’t a great guy. Dump him. Get out – the sooner the better.

Jealousy is not a healthy or normal part of any relationship. A jealous partner isn’t doing out of love – he/she is doing it for control. I recommend “The Jealousy Game” by Mandy White, for all parents and teens and anyone (of any age) who might be at risk for staying in unhealthy relationships.

Please read: The Jealousy Game, an Ebook by Mandy White

www.smashwords.com

This book is always free for download on Amazon.com as well.

Is your boyfriend or husband unreasonably jealous? Women often mistake jealousy for an endearing display of affection without realizing that it can be a sign of something much more sinister. How can you tell when a man’s jealousy crosses the line from simple affection to unhealthy behavior? Can you fix it before it’s too late?

Some people think jealousy is just a natural part of being in love, and that jealous behavior is just a man’s way of showing that he cares. But when a man displays jealous, suspicious behavior to such an extreme that it becomes downright ridiculous it crosses the line from a simple expression of affection to unhealthy obsession and mental abuse. It may even escalate into physical abuse.

How can you tell if your relationship has reached the dangerous point? Knowing how to recognize the signs can save you from a great deal of mental anguish and possibly physical injury. In fact, it could even save your life. Learn how to recognize unhealthy patterns of jealousy early in a relationship and take steps to prevent it from becoming dangerous.

The Jealousy Game outlines a relationship with a jealous man from the beginning, when his jealousy is seen as cute and affectionate, through to the end of the relationship, where it has escalated into violence and even life-threatening behavior. It… (Read more)

Rating: This book contains content considered unsuitable for young readers 17 and under, and which may be offensive to some readers of all ages. Parents you know what your kids can handle. Honestly – I’d let my Middle School daughter read this with me. It is so important that all kids know the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship.

Thank you everyone for dropping by today. I’m trying to get Vlad to share some more of his thoughts this week, as well as catching you up on thought about my grown up kids, my cats, my dog, the pandemic, and other assorted blogable topics.

Stay safe. Wear a mask. Be kind. Don’t be a dick. Check in on those who might need extra help or who are alone. Talk to your kids. Check out online museum tours. Make a fun playlist. And kiss a Vampire.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Ask Juliette: Disgusting Creepers, Twilight, and Fun Movies

Welcome to “Ask Juliette” aka “Ask a Vampire” a not so regular semi-regular feature here at vampiremaman.com. I answer all sorts of questions about life, love, Vampires, parenting, pets, possums, paranormal, wine, cheese, art, and anything else YOU need answers for or help with.

If you have a question leave it in the comment section below or send me an email message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail.com.

So here we go.

 

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The Rude Party Guest

Dear Juliette,

A few months ago while attending a dinner party at a friend’s home I sat next to a man I’d met at previous parties. I’ll call him Mr. D We talked for a while about parenting, social issues, and food. It was nothing but nice polite talk. Later that evening Mr. D told me we had a connection and that he knew we’d been lovers in another life. I smiled politely and went to find my husband. Sure the guy might have been charmed by me, but he was also full of shit. I’m a married woman in my late 50’s. I love my husband, who by the way is sexy and still hot, not that it makes a difference. I wasn’t looking for attention.

My husband had to leave early and Mr. D watched as I kissed my man goodbye. While in the kitchen talking to friends Mr. D came into the room and started rubbing my back. When I stepped away he would step closer again and touch me again. Juliette, this guy is adored by everyone in my friend’s friend group. I wasn’t going to turn around and yell “knock it off.” I was just shocked.

Later when everyone was leaving he  hugged me, kissed me, and grabbed my ass. I was shocked, again. I felt so violated. I made sure he didn’t walk me to my car. When I got home I told my husband about it. He said I should let it go unless it happens again.

I told my grown children and their spouses. They were all shocked. There reaction was shock. It said a lot about how younger generations take this kind of information. I was going to tell my friend who hosted the party but then social distancing started. She works for a hospital on the front line so I didn’t want to bother her. When things get back to normal, as in more parties, do I tell her? If this man ever touches me again I will tell him loudly and clearly that it is NOT acceptable. My husband said he’d also tell the guy it is unacceptable. But, should I tell my friend?

Oh yuck. I am so sorry you have to deal with such a pig. Yes, you should tell your friend. Be calm. Just state the facts. If this man ever touches you again please immediately tell him to stop. Don’t worry about who might hear you. This is unacceptable behavior. Nobody has the right to touch you without your permission, no matter how old you are. It sounds like you have a plan. Stick with it.  

 

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And speaking of disgusting creepers…

Dear Juliette,

I know you are into Vampires, so why do you dislike Twilight so much?

Into Vampires? Yes, you could say that.

So why don’t I like Twilight. Let me count the ways.

First of all the story is fucking stupid and creepy in a gross way.

Second, and the most important reason is that Twilight is a story of an older man taking advantage of an underaged girl. Edward was born in 1901. Bella was born in 1987. Do the math. I don’t care if the guy is a Vampire or looks like he is seventeen. He is a creeper hanging out at a high school and taking advantage of girls. 

Any Vampire who has ANY self-respect would NEVER do something like that. NEVER. 

The Third reason is that Vampires and Werewolves having rumbles in the forest like they’re right out of West Side Story is fucking stupid. 

The Forth reason is obvious. Vampires don’t sparkle.

The Fifth reason, and last I’ll mention today, is the fact that Bella’s father didn’t do shit about his daughter hanging out with Vampires. Give me a break. Any dad who cared would have kicked Edward’s sorry skinny Vampire ass. 

Yes, the Twilight series got a lot of kids to read, but I just wish they’d read something that had better relationship and general life advice. No seventeen year old girl needs to feel like running away with an older man is EVER and answer. It is always the WRONG answer.

 

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Dear Juliette,

What are the best movies you’ve watched during quarantine?

Thank you for asking. I’ve been fortunate so have seen some wonderful films over the past few month. Below is the short list. These are my favorites. 1-4 are movies I’d see again and maybe again.

  1. Searching
  2. The Half of It
  3. Blow the Man Down
  4. Good Boys
  5. Peanut Butter Falcon

Thanks for asking. All are fun and unexpected. The first four are exceptional. Searching will keep you on the edge of your seat, especially if you’re a parent. It kind of ties in with some of the questions asked today.

 

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Stalker in the Making

Dear Juliette,

I went out with a guy I knew in high school. We are in our 20’s now. It wasn’t a romantic date, just catching up – so I thought. Now he leaving me long phone messages, zillions of texts, and telling me that he loves me. I wouldn’t answer him so he texted me and told me he tested positive for Covid-19. Now what?

BLOCK HIM from EVERYTHING. Block him from your phone and ALL social media. Take this seriously. BLOCK HIM. Tell your friends to block him. Tell your friends not to give him ANY information about you. His story about the Covid-19 sounds like a lie because he is mad at you for not calling him back, but don’t take any chances and GET TESTED. 

In the meantime just see people within your bubble until things start to get back to normal. Don’t take any chances. 

 

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Thanks for dropping by. If you have a question about parenting, relationships, vampires, food, books, movies, cats, or anything else leave a comment below or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com.

To view the Ask Juliette archive CLICK here.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

Questions Answered, Advice Dished Out, Just Ask Juliette

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Need Advice? Click here for forty five (45) posts with answers to most of your questions about parenting, relationships, love, Vampires, life, and anything you every wondered about.

https://vampiremaman.com/ask-juliette-advice-for-everything/

Welcome to “Ask Juliette” aka “Ask a Vampire” a not so regular semi-regular feature here at vampiremaman.com.

I answer all sorts of questions about life, love, Vampires, parenting, pets, possums, paranormal, wine, cheese, art, and anything else YOU need answers for or help with.

If you have a question leave it in the comment section below or send me an email message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail.com.

I will be starting up “Ask Juliette” again as a regular Saturday feature. So send me a question, a problem to be solved, or just something gripping, funny, or odd you want to discuss.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Vampire mom

 

Ask Juliette: Odd Dreams, Relationships, Possums, and a Question About the Vampire King.

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Dear Juliette,
It appears that I have had several dreams of being a vampire however in all my dreams I always simply wake up before another dream of being a vampire in a different time era comes to be there is more tendencies that I tend to have but do not disclose almost all of these however have a blood red moon before I wake I don’t know if you have any insight on this but my dreams are not always the same sometimes I’m a vampire other times a Lycan I feel like something inside is trying to reach out to me…

You might just be having random dreams. We all do. On the other hand you might have a Vampire messing with you. We’ll do that you know – give you dreams. Maybe you remind someone of times gone by. Maybe they have a crush on you. An overly romantic vampire can be more than a pain in the neck; they can mess with your sleep as well. I hope you don’t ever become a Werewolf/Lycan. Oh man, they don’t walk and easy path. Stay away from those wolf-folk. Stay away. If you’re watching a lot of vampire movies or reading a lot of vampire fiction it might be time to give it a break for a bit. On the other hand write it all down. You might have a best seller on your hands.  

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Dear Juliette,
How can I tell if my boyfriend is a troll? He stays up all night pounding on the underside of a bridge asking crossing goats how to become a Vampire… wait. Never mind.

You might consider counseling on your choice of romantic partners. I’m pretty sure the guy is a troll, or at least a creep. Seriously there are a lot of great guys out there who are already Vampires (and they’re totally cold and hot.) And stay away from guys who try to pick up on strange goats.

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Dear Juliette,
When is it time to give up on my art?

Never.

 

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Dear Juliette,
I think possums are cute. Am I weird?

People who don’t like possums are weird. You’re just fine.

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Dear Juliette,
I have to ask you about your posts about Vlad of “Vampire Diary” fame. Is he based on Vlad the Impailer? Is he based on Dracula? Why is he living in surburbia if he is the Vampire King? That doesn’t make sense. He should be in LA or New York City living in a penthouse or a lavish mansion ruling this new Vampire kingdom and followers. I understand that he is sexy and dangerous but why add all of the cuteness. He is a cold powerful Vampire not some guy out of a Nicholas Sparks or Nora Roberts novel. Who is that idiot Randolpho he hangs out with? Just asking for a friend.

Uh hem (that was me clearning my throat.)

No, he is not based on that violent ugly little shit soulless Vlad the Impailer. He is not based on Bram Stoker’s Dracula. He is living in surburbia because it is comfortable and he can have a little peace. He lives in a very nice upper middle class neighborhood with lovely people. He isn’t in LA or New York City because he just wants to be low key for a while. Yes, it would be easy for him to jump right into being Vampire King but he is still trying to navigate living in the 21st Century. Now about the cute thing… Vlad is really cute. He is powerful. He can be quite dangerous and cold. He could be a guy in a Nora Roberts novel but he isn’t. Nicholas Sparks? Maybe not, but hey, Vlad can be a sensitive guy. As for Randolpho…he and Vlad have been friends since childhood. So what if you think he is an idiot. A good friend is a beautiful thing, even if you’re a Vampire. Jeeze, that was weird. Go take a chill pill or something. 

And if you’re reading this and don’t know about Vlad’s Vampire Diary CLICK HERE.

 

Ask Juliette

 

 

 

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire) is a somewhat frequent feature on Vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about ANYTHING (Vampires, relationships, parenting, life, weird stuff, etc.) just leave a comment here or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail. com

Thanks for dropping by and have fun.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: Time Vampires, Cold Vampires, Homebody Werewolves, and More Vampires.

Ask Juliette (or Ask a Vampire) is a semi-regular feature here at Vampiremaman.com

If you have a question you NEED to have answered, about anything send it to juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com, or put it in the comments here and I’ll answer it on the next Ask Juliette post.

So here we go.

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How do I handle Time Vampires?

These are not Vampires like our kind. These are Vampires who suck away valuable time. I run a vintage clothing store. The majority of the people who come in our friendly and fun. However at least once a day I get, a Time Vampire visitor – that horrid person who stands around and talks and talks and talks and talks about nothing. I don’t want to be rude because the other customers in the store will see me being rude. Short a breaking their necks or slapping them upside the head when the other customers are looking how do I handle a Time Vampire?

As a Vampire I know, contrary to popular opinion, that we don’t have all the time in the world.

I could go into the psychology of those who talk too much but that would be an entire book. We’re talking about YOUR TIME and YOUR BUSINESS, not to mention your other customers who might be put off by the Time Vampire.

I have a few suggestions. If any of my readers have other suggestions please feel free to leave those suggestions in the comments section.

  • Ask a question you know the Time Vampire can’t answer. If that doesn’t shut them down them tell they that you’ve enjoyed visiting but you are extremely busy with some business deadlines – and that isn’t a lie. You have a business to run. Start walking towards the door and gently lead them out.
  • Tell them that you have a task to do, such as an important phone call, or get some shipments out.
  • Tell them that while their story is interesting you’re extremely busy with some alterations or other task. Yes, this is a variation on the above answer.
  • Pretend to faint.
  • Go to the bathroom.
  • Pretend your phone, which is on silent vibrate, needs answering because you have a very important call.
  • Tell them you have to see to other customers, then go say hello to the other customers.
  • This is a difficult one. If you are too firm, or show any negativity, the Time Vampire could give you a bad Yelp review, or tell all of her friends that she thinks you are rude.

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Why do you always capitalize the words Vampire, Werewolf, Ghosts, and other monster names. This is English not German.

Because this is MY Vampire blog and as the writer I can do whatever I want. The capitalization is a sign of respect, as well as a way of emphasizing the importance of the title. By the way, I don’t always consider them monsters. Being different does not equal a monster. Beside that in an alternate universe this might very well be written in German.

What do I say when someone who is not a Vampire comments on how cold I am?

Just smile, without your fangs of course, and say, “Cold hands, warm heart.”

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I’m an Urban Werewolf. I live in the city. I support local small businesses. I bike to work. I recycle. I go to the local farmer’s market for most of my fresh produce. I use reusable grocery bags. I’m part of my community. As a Werewolf I feel uncomfortable running around the streets and alleys on a full moon night in wolf form. I’d rather transition at home and avoid the full moon. Is it ok?

Yes, it is more than OK. Stock the fridge ahead of time with your favorite Werewolf treats. Curl up on the couch, and binge watch a new Netflix show.
The advantages are endless. You don’t have to worry about transitioning back to your human form naked and in public. You don’t have to scare anyone. You don’t need to get dirt in your fur. It is a win/win situation all around.

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I’ve been a Vampire for about ten years. My family is still freaked out about it. Is my family too sensitive?

Yes.

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Thank you for dropping by. If you have a question that you don’t have an answer for (about anything, including parenting, relationships, Vampires, cats, or whatever) leave your question in the comments section here OR email me at juliettevampiremom  @  gmail .com

And if this isn’t already too much fun, make sure you check out the new Saturday post Burning Questions. Number 3 of 50 burning questions will be featured this coming Saturday. Read it. Ponder it. Then add your answer to the poll.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

Ask Juliette: Popular Culture Edition

Ask Juliette

Ask Juliette (or Ask a Vampire) is a semi-regular feature here at Vampiremaman.com

If you have a question you NEED to have answered, about anything send it to juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com, or put it in the comments here and I’ll answer it on the next Ask Juliette post.

So here we go. I have a lot of small ones this week.

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Why don’t you like the violin player Lindsey Stirling. I think she is awesome.

Good, then YOU listen to her play her magical violin. I don’t know, I just find her extremely annoying and rather weird. If you like her than by all means I’m not going to stop you. Have fun.

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 Why didn’t anyone in your family watch the Grammy Awards this year?

Because it is the same old shit every single year. There are so many talented and fantastic, and original artists who NEVER get recognized. I get tired of the Pink, Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, Jay-Z, and the rest of the “popular” artists. And I didn’t even mention my shock that the horrible Imagine Dragons song “Thunder” was nominated for anything. Really guys? You can do better than THAT. You used to be brilliant. What the F happened there?

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What movie do you want to win Best Picture at the Oscars?

Unlike the Grammy Awards, I approve of the Oscar nominations. Of course, since Sacramento is my hometown, and I loved the movie, I’d love to see Lady Bird get as many awards as possible. I’d loved that Get Out was recognized. The rest of the films are all deserving. This is one of those years when the choice will be hard, but no matter who wins it will be ok.

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Why don’t you like red pants?

We’ve gone over this before. Only small children (under ten years of age) and really old people (over eighty) should be allowed to wear red pants. Grown men should NEVER wear red pants, especially guys over thirty. So why don’t I like them? Because red pants look stupid on most people.

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What if your favorite Vampire movie?

Nosferatu (1922) because it is so weird and creepy. As a rule I don’t like Vampire movies. I think my next three picks would have to be Love at First Bite, Interview With A Vampire, and of course The Lost Boys.

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How do Vampires find food? It isn’t like you can just go to the grocery store.

Food is all around up. Most of us these days don’t depend on lurking around bedrooms, unless of course we’re invited. We find food at bars, and clubs. We find it at cultural events. Art events are awesome for food, as are concerts.

Most of us have several regular donors we go to. They might not know that they have their own Vampire, but they do. In return for being a regular we give them a certain amount of protection and favors.

Of course we get blood in bottles. Yes we do. And sometimes we DO eat real food. Just stay away from baked goods, sweets, and keep it simple but full of flavor. Poultry doesn’t set well with most Vampires. All things in moderation.

I get a lot of questions about this because everyone is fascinated with what we eat. Seriously folks it isn’t that interesting, but I’ll do more future posts on it.

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What would your exotic support animal would you want to take on a plane?

A fresh water otter. If not that a large goat.

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Alright that is all for now. Vlad’s Vampire Diary is coming up next. And remember if you have any questions about Vampires, relationships, fashion, paranormal stuff, books, following your dreams, anyone I talk about on this blog, parenting, kids, school, travel, cats, ghosts, or anything else you have just “Ask Juliette.”

xoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman