Ask Juliette: Odd Dreams, Relationships, Possums, and a Question About the Vampire King.

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Dear Juliette,
It appears that I have had several dreams of being a vampire however in all my dreams I always simply wake up before another dream of being a vampire in a different time era comes to be there is more tendencies that I tend to have but do not disclose almost all of these however have a blood red moon before I wake I don’t know if you have any insight on this but my dreams are not always the same sometimes I’m a vampire other times a Lycan I feel like something inside is trying to reach out to me…

You might just be having random dreams. We all do. On the other hand you might have a Vampire messing with you. We’ll do that you know – give you dreams. Maybe you remind someone of times gone by. Maybe they have a crush on you. An overly romantic vampire can be more than a pain in the neck; they can mess with your sleep as well. I hope you don’t ever become a Werewolf/Lycan. Oh man, they don’t walk and easy path. Stay away from those wolf-folk. Stay away. If you’re watching a lot of vampire movies or reading a lot of vampire fiction it might be time to give it a break for a bit. On the other hand write it all down. You might have a best seller on your hands.  

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Dear Juliette,
How can I tell if my boyfriend is a troll? He stays up all night pounding on the underside of a bridge asking crossing goats how to become a Vampire… wait. Never mind.

You might consider counseling on your choice of romantic partners. I’m pretty sure the guy is a troll, or at least a creep. Seriously there are a lot of great guys out there who are already Vampires (and they’re totally cold and hot.) And stay away from guys who try to pick up on strange goats.

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Dear Juliette,
When is it time to give up on my art?

Never.

 

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Dear Juliette,
I think possums are cute. Am I weird?

People who don’t like possums are weird. You’re just fine.

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Dear Juliette,
I have to ask you about your posts about Vlad of “Vampire Diary” fame. Is he based on Vlad the Impailer? Is he based on Dracula? Why is he living in surburbia if he is the Vampire King? That doesn’t make sense. He should be in LA or New York City living in a penthouse or a lavish mansion ruling this new Vampire kingdom and followers. I understand that he is sexy and dangerous but why add all of the cuteness. He is a cold powerful Vampire not some guy out of a Nicholas Sparks or Nora Roberts novel. Who is that idiot Randolpho he hangs out with? Just asking for a friend.

Uh hem (that was me clearning my throat.)

No, he is not based on that violent ugly little shit soulless Vlad the Impailer. He is not based on Bram Stoker’s Dracula. He is living in surburbia because it is comfortable and he can have a little peace. He lives in a very nice upper middle class neighborhood with lovely people. He isn’t in LA or New York City because he just wants to be low key for a while. Yes, it would be easy for him to jump right into being Vampire King but he is still trying to navigate living in the 21st Century. Now about the cute thing… Vlad is really cute. He is powerful. He can be quite dangerous and cold. He could be a guy in a Nora Roberts novel but he isn’t. Nicholas Sparks? Maybe not, but hey, Vlad can be a sensitive guy. As for Randolpho…he and Vlad have been friends since childhood. So what if you think he is an idiot. A good friend is a beautiful thing, even if you’re a Vampire. Jeeze, that was weird. Go take a chill pill or something. 

And if you’re reading this and don’t know about Vlad’s Vampire Diary CLICK HERE.

 

Ask Juliette

 

 

 

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire) is a somewhat frequent feature on Vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about ANYTHING (Vampires, relationships, parenting, life, weird stuff, etc.) just leave a comment here or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail. com

Thanks for dropping by and have fun.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: Time Vampires, Cold Vampires, Homebody Werewolves, and More Vampires.

Ask Juliette (or Ask a Vampire) is a semi-regular feature here at Vampiremaman.com

If you have a question you NEED to have answered, about anything send it to juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com, or put it in the comments here and I’ll answer it on the next Ask Juliette post.

So here we go.

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How do I handle Time Vampires?

These are not Vampires like our kind. These are Vampires who suck away valuable time. I run a vintage clothing store. The majority of the people who come in our friendly and fun. However at least once a day I get, a Time Vampire visitor – that horrid person who stands around and talks and talks and talks and talks about nothing. I don’t want to be rude because the other customers in the store will see me being rude. Short a breaking their necks or slapping them upside the head when the other customers are looking how do I handle a Time Vampire?

As a Vampire I know, contrary to popular opinion, that we don’t have all the time in the world.

I could go into the psychology of those who talk too much but that would be an entire book. We’re talking about YOUR TIME and YOUR BUSINESS, not to mention your other customers who might be put off by the Time Vampire.

I have a few suggestions. If any of my readers have other suggestions please feel free to leave those suggestions in the comments section.

  • Ask a question you know the Time Vampire can’t answer. If that doesn’t shut them down them tell they that you’ve enjoyed visiting but you are extremely busy with some business deadlines – and that isn’t a lie. You have a business to run. Start walking towards the door and gently lead them out.
  • Tell them that you have a task to do, such as an important phone call, or get some shipments out.
  • Tell them that while their story is interesting you’re extremely busy with some alterations or other task. Yes, this is a variation on the above answer.
  • Pretend to faint.
  • Go to the bathroom.
  • Pretend your phone, which is on silent vibrate, needs answering because you have a very important call.
  • Tell them you have to see to other customers, then go say hello to the other customers.
  • This is a difficult one. If you are too firm, or show any negativity, the Time Vampire could give you a bad Yelp review, or tell all of her friends that she thinks you are rude.

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Why do you always capitalize the words Vampire, Werewolf, Ghosts, and other monster names. This is English not German.

Because this is MY Vampire blog and as the writer I can do whatever I want. The capitalization is a sign of respect, as well as a way of emphasizing the importance of the title. By the way, I don’t always consider them monsters. Being different does not equal a monster. Beside that in an alternate universe this might very well be written in German.

What do I say when someone who is not a Vampire comments on how cold I am?

Just smile, without your fangs of course, and say, “Cold hands, warm heart.”

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I’m an Urban Werewolf. I live in the city. I support local small businesses. I bike to work. I recycle. I go to the local farmer’s market for most of my fresh produce. I use reusable grocery bags. I’m part of my community. As a Werewolf I feel uncomfortable running around the streets and alleys on a full moon night in wolf form. I’d rather transition at home and avoid the full moon. Is it ok?

Yes, it is more than OK. Stock the fridge ahead of time with your favorite Werewolf treats. Curl up on the couch, and binge watch a new Netflix show.
The advantages are endless. You don’t have to worry about transitioning back to your human form naked and in public. You don’t have to scare anyone. You don’t need to get dirt in your fur. It is a win/win situation all around.

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I’ve been a Vampire for about ten years. My family is still freaked out about it. Is my family too sensitive?

Yes.

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Thank you for dropping by. If you have a question that you don’t have an answer for (about anything, including parenting, relationships, Vampires, cats, or whatever) leave your question in the comments section here OR email me at juliettevampiremom  @  gmail .com

And if this isn’t already too much fun, make sure you check out the new Saturday post Burning Questions. Number 3 of 50 burning questions will be featured this coming Saturday. Read it. Ponder it. Then add your answer to the poll.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

Ask Juliette: Popular Culture Edition

Ask Juliette

Ask Juliette (or Ask a Vampire) is a semi-regular feature here at Vampiremaman.com

If you have a question you NEED to have answered, about anything send it to juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com, or put it in the comments here and I’ll answer it on the next Ask Juliette post.

So here we go. I have a lot of small ones this week.

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Why don’t you like the violin player Lindsey Stirling. I think she is awesome.

Good, then YOU listen to her play her magical violin. I don’t know, I just find her extremely annoying and rather weird. If you like her than by all means I’m not going to stop you. Have fun.

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 Why didn’t anyone in your family watch the Grammy Awards this year?

Because it is the same old shit every single year. There are so many talented and fantastic, and original artists who NEVER get recognized. I get tired of the Pink, Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, Jay-Z, and the rest of the “popular” artists. And I didn’t even mention my shock that the horrible Imagine Dragons song “Thunder” was nominated for anything. Really guys? You can do better than THAT. You used to be brilliant. What the F happened there?

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What movie do you want to win Best Picture at the Oscars?

Unlike the Grammy Awards, I approve of the Oscar nominations. Of course, since Sacramento is my hometown, and I loved the movie, I’d love to see Lady Bird get as many awards as possible. I’d loved that Get Out was recognized. The rest of the films are all deserving. This is one of those years when the choice will be hard, but no matter who wins it will be ok.

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Why don’t you like red pants?

We’ve gone over this before. Only small children (under ten years of age) and really old people (over eighty) should be allowed to wear red pants. Grown men should NEVER wear red pants, especially guys over thirty. So why don’t I like them? Because red pants look stupid on most people.

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What if your favorite Vampire movie?

Nosferatu (1922) because it is so weird and creepy. As a rule I don’t like Vampire movies. I think my next three picks would have to be Love at First Bite, Interview With A Vampire, and of course The Lost Boys.

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How do Vampires find food? It isn’t like you can just go to the grocery store.

Food is all around up. Most of us these days don’t depend on lurking around bedrooms, unless of course we’re invited. We find food at bars, and clubs. We find it at cultural events. Art events are awesome for food, as are concerts.

Most of us have several regular donors we go to. They might not know that they have their own Vampire, but they do. In return for being a regular we give them a certain amount of protection and favors.

Of course we get blood in bottles. Yes we do. And sometimes we DO eat real food. Just stay away from baked goods, sweets, and keep it simple but full of flavor. Poultry doesn’t set well with most Vampires. All things in moderation.

I get a lot of questions about this because everyone is fascinated with what we eat. Seriously folks it isn’t that interesting, but I’ll do more future posts on it.

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What would your exotic support animal would you want to take on a plane?

A fresh water otter. If not that a large goat.

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Alright that is all for now. Vlad’s Vampire Diary is coming up next. And remember if you have any questions about Vampires, relationships, fashion, paranormal stuff, books, following your dreams, anyone I talk about on this blog, parenting, kids, school, travel, cats, ghosts, or anything else you have just “Ask Juliette.”

xoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: How can I tell if my girlfriend is a Vampire? Class Reunions. And other timely matters.

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire) is a semi-regular feature here at Vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about anything, including, but not restricted to relationships, parenting, Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts, cooking, gardening, travel, roller skating or anything you have a burning question about just ask. Send your questions to juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com. Or just put your question in the comments.

Dear Juliette,

I think my girlfriend might be a Vampire. Lately her habits have changed for the extreme. Her diet has recently become extremely restrictive, she is gone most nights, she started to wear more black, she looks better and is in better shape than she ever has, and she have become kind of snappy with me. I asked her about it and she said she found out she is diabetic. I don’t buy it. How can I tell if she is a Vampire? 

If your girlfriend did turn into a Vampire she would have been deathly ill before she got better. It isn’t an easy process to convert. 

Here are a few signs if she is indeed a Vampire.

  • Cooler body temperature. 
  • Restricted diet.
  • An increase to sensitivity to the sun.
  • Quick healing of wounds.
  • Little or no physical aging.
  • Often a show of fangs when angry.
  • The ability to see in the dark.
  • The ability to put someone else into a trance.

I don’t believe your girlfriend is a Vampire. More than likely she has changed her diet for health reasons, and is going to the gym at night. Or she is cheating on you. Or going to the gym at night AND cheating on you.

Dear Juliette,

Can Vampires have babies or does one have to be bitten by a Vampire and convert? Can Vampires and Werewolves have babies? Can humans and Vampires have babies.

Yes, Vampires can have their own biological children the old fashioned way, but only with other Vampires, and it is extremely rare. They don’t have offspring with regular human folks, and not with Werewolves, and not with Demons, Fallen Angels, or anybody who is not a Vampire. 

Dear Juliette,

I want to become a Vampire. Can you help.

No. Please don’t ask me again.

Dear Juliette,

How does one turn into a Vampire?

Do you honestly think I’d tell you, a stranger, on this blog where thousands and thousands of people could read it? Seriously?

Dear Juliette,

I read the post about Nigel the Ghost and his class reunion. It got me thinking… I have my 30th class reunion coming up. What should I wear?

Thanks for reading my last post.

Good question. A class reunion is a time to show some class. Wear something you are comfortable in, yet flattering. Make sure whatever you wear fits correctly. Don’t try to squeeze into something too tight. In turn don’t wear something that fits you like a tent. A class reunion, especially after the ten year point, is not a time to try to be sexy. An attempt at being a hot mama will only make you look older and pathetic. Everyone WILL talk about you behind your back and not in a good way. But if you want to do something special like getting your make-up or nails done then go for it. If you feel good, you’ll look good. 

And guys, at least wear a button down shirt. A tie is always nice. Wear an undershirt. Nobody wants to see your chest hair or nipples. NOBODY. Skip the gold chains and over the top guy bling. 

Dear Juliette,

My 20th class reunion is coming up. Many of my classmates have spoken about their faith based lives and conservative values. At the same time about a dozen classmates have come out and are bringing their same-sex spouses. Should I tell people to be nice?

Some people, religious or not, are just assholes. Show support to the LBGT classmates. If you haven’t walked in their shoes you have no idea at what they have gone through to be accepted, and have the right to be married to the people they love. If anyone has a problem with that it is THEIR problem – and they are jerks. Not all faith based people have problems with someone being LBGT. In fact, most of my LBGT friends are people of faith. You asked, and I’m telling you what I think. 

 

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Thanks for dropping by. If you have a pressing question you know where to ask.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: Your Child’s Reputation, Man-Children, and Vampire Midlife Crisis

Welcome to Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire) – a Regular Feature here at Vampiremaman.com
This week we’ll discuss what to do if your child gets mixed up with a crappy kid, dating a man who still sleeps in his childhood bedroom, and Vampire woes. If you have a questions, about anything, leave a comment here, or email me at juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com.

Q: My ten year old son started hanging out with one of the class trouble makers (Willie.) Willie is disruptive in class, and doesn’t do well in school. Willie’s parents play the blame game and are always at school threatening to sue. Basically Willie is a spoiled brat. Last week my son got into trouble while playing with Willie and was almost suspended. Willie’s parents said, “boys will be boys” but I’m not sure. When Willie cries to the teachers when he is not included in play so my son feels he is in a bind. Willie also lies about other kids when they won’t play with him. How can I keep my good boy away from the bad boy?

A: You need to sit down with your child and have one of those talks. This time it will be about responsibility and reputation.

Your child needs to learn that he is responsible for his own actions. He can make the choice NOT to play with Willie. If the adults at the school say otherwise you need to have a FIRM talk with them. Teachers and administrators need to know that Willie is a bully and you will not allow your child to play with him. Your son should be nice and polite but he can’t be forced to play with Willie unless it is a group activity with the class. Start keeping a record of times Willie has bothered your child.

If the teacher will do nothing see if your kid can be transferred to another class. I know it doesn’t seem fair, but sometimes that is the only option.

I’ve never understood why schools protect trouble makers and bullies at the expense of other children. It might be because their parents are always at the school trying to make excuses and even threatening the school. I will never understand that.

Then talk to your son about REPUTATION. Once a person loses their good reputation it is almost impossible to get it back. I had this talk with my own children. They need to know that if they make poor choices that everyone else will now expect them to ALWAYS make poor choices. It is just how things are.

As a parent you CAN and NEED TO monitor who your kids hang out with and who their friends are. Remember this – your child can’t bring someone up. Bad kids can only bring your child DOWN. I know that sounds harsh but it is the way things are. YOU are the PARENT. It is your job to guide your child and teach him to make GOOD choices.

 

Q: I started dating a guy. He is super nice, cute, and looks good on paper. The problem is that his bedroom is decked out in red and gold. I’m not talking satin sheets. These are the colors of his favorite team. The walls are covered with posters. The lampshades are football helmets. The bed is a single bed with a plain red think cotton bed spread with football shaped pillows. He mentioned his mom and grandma helped him out with it. This would be a fun room for a twelve year old, but not for a thirty year old. The football decor also creeps into the kitchen and living room of his apartment. I had sex with him once in his bedroom. It wasn’t what I’d call great because I felt like his mother was going to walk in on us any minute, and well, it was a twin bed. I over reacting because I want to be involved with an adult man? Or should I just see this as an opportunity to take him on a field trip to Ikea?

A: If he passes up on the Ikea field trip (even Target or Home Goods would be a nice start) you need to have a heart to heart talk to him. If living with Joe Montana is a deal breaker then maybe you’d better change your game and move on.

The future of living with anything you hate will cause more stress than you can ever imagine (be it a relative, a decorating style, ugly dishes, a bad dog, or a group of shitty immature friends, or whatever.) Sure he could display a few prized football items, but if you don’t want to “score” in the red and gold bedroom with him anymore I don’t blame you.

Q: What do I have to do to turn into a Vampire?

A: Nothing because it isn’t going to happen.

Q: How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

A: Stop asking me that.

Q: Is there such a thing as a Vampire Midlife Crisis? My friend Tim keeps wanting to do things like go back to high school or college so we can pick up on unsuspecting girls. Going to a college bar is one thing, but going to class and pretending we’re fresh out of high school is just too predatory and creepy for me. I told Tim that we’re both over two hundred years old – too old for this shit. What do you think?

A: I think you’re too old for that shit. Remember, you’re Vampires, which means you can have more fun than any human is ever allowed without being creepy or predatory.

 

Well, I hope I answered all of your questions for this week. Ask Juliette is a semi-regular feature here at vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about ANYTHING leave it in the comments here OR email me at juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: Parenting, Ghosts, and Change

Ask Juliette is a somewhat regular Thursday feature at vampiremaman.com

I answer real questions from real readers. If you have a question feel free to leave it in the comment section or email me at juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com

Before we get to today’s questions I have an observation…

This morning while I was out in my neighborhood walking my dog… it was an attempt to train the dog, which is sort of working. Anyway we walked over to where the Bald Eagles are nesting. Due to the influx of asshat photographers who feel as if they are gods and have a right to pester the poor new parents, the park service has put us signs telling everyone to stay away from the eagles and not bother them. Yes, there was a woman hauling a ladder out to where the eagles are.  I was ready to go out and scream at her. I assume somebody already did because I haven’t seen her around in the past few weeks. There has also been people climbing the fence (which was put there to prevent idiots from falling off of the steep bluff.)

In the wee hours of the morning my dog and I were alone with the eagles. I watched as they flew from the lake to the nest with fish. The babies flapped their small brown wings and hopped about the nest. As I walked home up my own street, my husband was driving out. He stopped and told me one of the eagles was flying over our house, about twenty feet from the deck.

I thought about the eagle parents. No parent likes to be pestered or watched when they are with their kids. Seriously, no matter what species someone is just let them alone in peace. Don’t bug them or pester them with advice. Don’t invade their privacy in order to get your daily cute fix.

Dear Juliette,

Why are ghosts so grouchy and mean? Why must they haunt the living?

As most of my regular readers know, there are a few ghosts who regularly visit me at my house – mainly Nigel and his girlfriend Mary.

So why are ghosts so grouchy and mean? Because they’re frustrated. They live in a world where they cannot participate. They’re reminded daily of what they are missing out on. For example Nigel’s 40th High School Reunion is coming up. He missed his ten-year reunion by a year. He is haunted by the thoughts of what could have been. He is angry because he never got to see his career progress, he never got to fall in love and get married, he never got to be a dad. He can’t even have a dog as a ghost, unless some dead dog attempts to latch onto him, but that rarely happens. What bugs Nigel the most is the fact that in the reunion program he’ll once more be listed with those who have also died since high school graduation. Only he can’t even see them because that isn’t how the ghost world works. Even the dead have left him behind.

Ghosts are trapped. They’re pissed off. They can’t communicate with most people. Nobody understands what it is like to be dead. So they hang out with Vampires, most of whom have died but are back in their bodies – so that even pisses ghosts off even more.

Do you see where I’m going with this? Don’t be hating on ghosts. Sure they’re obnoxious but have some understanding and sympathy.

Dear Juliette,

If I became a Vampire would anyone be there to help me adjust? Would I have to be shown how to suck blood out of people or would it just come naturally? Is there training for new Vampires?

Yes, unless you end up being a soulless Shadow Creeper someone will be there to help. We have a wide ranging support system for those who have just become Vampires. A range of issues have to be taken into consideration when one becomes a Vampire. Did you become a Vampire of your own will, or was it thrust upon you? That makes a big difference on how you’re going to react to the change. You know, anytime someone makes a profound change, be if biologically, or mentally, there are going to be adjustments. It isn’t always easy.

One of the hardest things to deal with isn’t sucking blood, but keeping your existence as a Vampire secret. You can’t tell anyone, or at least those who will in turn tell others. We don’t have a lot of rules. We don’t have many consequences to our actions except maybe forcing someone to become a Vampire, or telling someone about us.

But sure, there are people here to help. I’m one of the go-to folks for helping newbees. Like with most profound changes, everyone is different.

 

Dear Juliette,

What’s up? What are your plans for the blog?

What?

Dear Juliette,

Why are Vampire men so damn sexy?

Sigh. Survival my dear. Survival.

 

Dear Juliette,

I just wrote a novel. I believe it is quite good, but none of my family and friends will read it. I need feedback. Now what?

If you want some feedback go online and reach out for beta readers. Most authors find that often family and friends aren’t interested in your work, especially if it a genera they don’t usually read.

Find a writing peer group either online, or with one of your local writing groups. Don’t get mad if someone reads your book and doesn’t fawn all over it. It is better you hear what you need to hear now – rather than getting a bad review or zillions of rejection letters later.

Also search blogs for like-minded individuals you think might enjoy your book, or have good, honest, educated input.

Another suggestion is to make a list of questions for your Beta Reader. Do they connect with the characters? Do the plot twists make sense? Ask what part they like best or least, and why.

Good luck.

That is all I have for today. If you can add to any of these answers please do. Everyone can always use a second opinion. 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman