Ask Juliette: Odd Dreams, Relationships, Possums, and a Question About the Vampire King.

crowletter

Dear Juliette,
It appears that I have had several dreams of being a vampire however in all my dreams I always simply wake up before another dream of being a vampire in a different time era comes to be there is more tendencies that I tend to have but do not disclose almost all of these however have a blood red moon before I wake I don’t know if you have any insight on this but my dreams are not always the same sometimes I’m a vampire other times a Lycan I feel like something inside is trying to reach out to me…

You might just be having random dreams. We all do. On the other hand you might have a Vampire messing with you. We’ll do that you know – give you dreams. Maybe you remind someone of times gone by. Maybe they have a crush on you. An overly romantic vampire can be more than a pain in the neck; they can mess with your sleep as well. I hope you don’t ever become a Werewolf/Lycan. Oh man, they don’t walk and easy path. Stay away from those wolf-folk. Stay away. If you’re watching a lot of vampire movies or reading a lot of vampire fiction it might be time to give it a break for a bit. On the other hand write it all down. You might have a best seller on your hands.  

design

Dear Juliette,
How can I tell if my boyfriend is a troll? He stays up all night pounding on the underside of a bridge asking crossing goats how to become a Vampire… wait. Never mind.

You might consider counseling on your choice of romantic partners. I’m pretty sure the guy is a troll, or at least a creep. Seriously there are a lot of great guys out there who are already Vampires (and they’re totally cold and hot.) And stay away from guys who try to pick up on strange goats.

design

Dear Juliette,
When is it time to give up on my art?

Never.

 

design

Dear Juliette,
I think possums are cute. Am I weird?

People who don’t like possums are weird. You’re just fine.

design

Dear Juliette,
I have to ask you about your posts about Vlad of “Vampire Diary” fame. Is he based on Vlad the Impailer? Is he based on Dracula? Why is he living in surburbia if he is the Vampire King? That doesn’t make sense. He should be in LA or New York City living in a penthouse or a lavish mansion ruling this new Vampire kingdom and followers. I understand that he is sexy and dangerous but why add all of the cuteness. He is a cold powerful Vampire not some guy out of a Nicholas Sparks or Nora Roberts novel. Who is that idiot Randolpho he hangs out with? Just asking for a friend.

Uh hem (that was me clearning my throat.)

No, he is not based on that violent ugly little shit soulless Vlad the Impailer. He is not based on Bram Stoker’s Dracula. He is living in surburbia because it is comfortable and he can have a little peace. He lives in a very nice upper middle class neighborhood with lovely people. He isn’t in LA or New York City because he just wants to be low key for a while. Yes, it would be easy for him to jump right into being Vampire King but he is still trying to navigate living in the 21st Century. Now about the cute thing… Vlad is really cute. He is powerful. He can be quite dangerous and cold. He could be a guy in a Nora Roberts novel but he isn’t. Nicholas Sparks? Maybe not, but hey, Vlad can be a sensitive guy. As for Randolpho…he and Vlad have been friends since childhood. So what if you think he is an idiot. A good friend is a beautiful thing, even if you’re a Vampire. Jeeze, that was weird. Go take a chill pill or something. 

And if you’re reading this and don’t know about Vlad’s Vampire Diary CLICK HERE.

 

Ask Juliette

 

 

 

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire) is a somewhat frequent feature on Vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about ANYTHING (Vampires, relationships, parenting, life, weird stuff, etc.) just leave a comment here or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail. com

Thanks for dropping by and have fun.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: How can I tell if my girlfriend is a Vampire? Class Reunions. And other timely matters.

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire) is a semi-regular feature here at Vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about anything, including, but not restricted to relationships, parenting, Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts, cooking, gardening, travel, roller skating or anything you have a burning question about just ask. Send your questions to juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com. Or just put your question in the comments.

Dear Juliette,

I think my girlfriend might be a Vampire. Lately her habits have changed for the extreme. Her diet has recently become extremely restrictive, she is gone most nights, she started to wear more black, she looks better and is in better shape than she ever has, and she have become kind of snappy with me. I asked her about it and she said she found out she is diabetic. I don’t buy it. How can I tell if she is a Vampire? 

If your girlfriend did turn into a Vampire she would have been deathly ill before she got better. It isn’t an easy process to convert. 

Here are a few signs if she is indeed a Vampire.

  • Cooler body temperature. 
  • Restricted diet.
  • An increase to sensitivity to the sun.
  • Quick healing of wounds.
  • Little or no physical aging.
  • Often a show of fangs when angry.
  • The ability to see in the dark.
  • The ability to put someone else into a trance.

I don’t believe your girlfriend is a Vampire. More than likely she has changed her diet for health reasons, and is going to the gym at night. Or she is cheating on you. Or going to the gym at night AND cheating on you.

Dear Juliette,

Can Vampires have babies or does one have to be bitten by a Vampire and convert? Can Vampires and Werewolves have babies? Can humans and Vampires have babies.

Yes, Vampires can have their own biological children the old fashioned way, but only with other Vampires, and it is extremely rare. They don’t have offspring with regular human folks, and not with Werewolves, and not with Demons, Fallen Angels, or anybody who is not a Vampire. 

Dear Juliette,

I want to become a Vampire. Can you help.

No. Please don’t ask me again.

Dear Juliette,

How does one turn into a Vampire?

Do you honestly think I’d tell you, a stranger, on this blog where thousands and thousands of people could read it? Seriously?

Dear Juliette,

I read the post about Nigel the Ghost and his class reunion. It got me thinking… I have my 30th class reunion coming up. What should I wear?

Thanks for reading my last post.

Good question. A class reunion is a time to show some class. Wear something you are comfortable in, yet flattering. Make sure whatever you wear fits correctly. Don’t try to squeeze into something too tight. In turn don’t wear something that fits you like a tent. A class reunion, especially after the ten year point, is not a time to try to be sexy. An attempt at being a hot mama will only make you look older and pathetic. Everyone WILL talk about you behind your back and not in a good way. But if you want to do something special like getting your make-up or nails done then go for it. If you feel good, you’ll look good. 

And guys, at least wear a button down shirt. A tie is always nice. Wear an undershirt. Nobody wants to see your chest hair or nipples. NOBODY. Skip the gold chains and over the top guy bling. 

Dear Juliette,

My 20th class reunion is coming up. Many of my classmates have spoken about their faith based lives and conservative values. At the same time about a dozen classmates have come out and are bringing their same-sex spouses. Should I tell people to be nice?

Some people, religious or not, are just assholes. Show support to the LBGT classmates. If you haven’t walked in their shoes you have no idea at what they have gone through to be accepted, and have the right to be married to the people they love. If anyone has a problem with that it is THEIR problem – and they are jerks. Not all faith based people have problems with someone being LBGT. In fact, most of my LBGT friends are people of faith. You asked, and I’m telling you what I think. 

 

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Thanks for dropping by. If you have a pressing question you know where to ask.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: Your Child’s Reputation, Man-Children, and Vampire Midlife Crisis

Welcome to Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire) – a Regular Feature here at Vampiremaman.com
This week we’ll discuss what to do if your child gets mixed up with a crappy kid, dating a man who still sleeps in his childhood bedroom, and Vampire woes. If you have a questions, about anything, leave a comment here, or email me at juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com.

Q: My ten year old son started hanging out with one of the class trouble makers (Willie.) Willie is disruptive in class, and doesn’t do well in school. Willie’s parents play the blame game and are always at school threatening to sue. Basically Willie is a spoiled brat. Last week my son got into trouble while playing with Willie and was almost suspended. Willie’s parents said, “boys will be boys” but I’m not sure. When Willie cries to the teachers when he is not included in play so my son feels he is in a bind. Willie also lies about other kids when they won’t play with him. How can I keep my good boy away from the bad boy?

A: You need to sit down with your child and have one of those talks. This time it will be about responsibility and reputation.

Your child needs to learn that he is responsible for his own actions. He can make the choice NOT to play with Willie. If the adults at the school say otherwise you need to have a FIRM talk with them. Teachers and administrators need to know that Willie is a bully and you will not allow your child to play with him. Your son should be nice and polite but he can’t be forced to play with Willie unless it is a group activity with the class. Start keeping a record of times Willie has bothered your child.

If the teacher will do nothing see if your kid can be transferred to another class. I know it doesn’t seem fair, but sometimes that is the only option.

I’ve never understood why schools protect trouble makers and bullies at the expense of other children. It might be because their parents are always at the school trying to make excuses and even threatening the school. I will never understand that.

Then talk to your son about REPUTATION. Once a person loses their good reputation it is almost impossible to get it back. I had this talk with my own children. They need to know that if they make poor choices that everyone else will now expect them to ALWAYS make poor choices. It is just how things are.

As a parent you CAN and NEED TO monitor who your kids hang out with and who their friends are. Remember this – your child can’t bring someone up. Bad kids can only bring your child DOWN. I know that sounds harsh but it is the way things are. YOU are the PARENT. It is your job to guide your child and teach him to make GOOD choices.

 

Q: I started dating a guy. He is super nice, cute, and looks good on paper. The problem is that his bedroom is decked out in red and gold. I’m not talking satin sheets. These are the colors of his favorite team. The walls are covered with posters. The lampshades are football helmets. The bed is a single bed with a plain red think cotton bed spread with football shaped pillows. He mentioned his mom and grandma helped him out with it. This would be a fun room for a twelve year old, but not for a thirty year old. The football decor also creeps into the kitchen and living room of his apartment. I had sex with him once in his bedroom. It wasn’t what I’d call great because I felt like his mother was going to walk in on us any minute, and well, it was a twin bed. I over reacting because I want to be involved with an adult man? Or should I just see this as an opportunity to take him on a field trip to Ikea?

A: If he passes up on the Ikea field trip (even Target or Home Goods would be a nice start) you need to have a heart to heart talk to him. If living with Joe Montana is a deal breaker then maybe you’d better change your game and move on.

The future of living with anything you hate will cause more stress than you can ever imagine (be it a relative, a decorating style, ugly dishes, a bad dog, or a group of shitty immature friends, or whatever.) Sure he could display a few prized football items, but if you don’t want to “score” in the red and gold bedroom with him anymore I don’t blame you.

Q: What do I have to do to turn into a Vampire?

A: Nothing because it isn’t going to happen.

Q: How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

A: Stop asking me that.

Q: Is there such a thing as a Vampire Midlife Crisis? My friend Tim keeps wanting to do things like go back to high school or college so we can pick up on unsuspecting girls. Going to a college bar is one thing, but going to class and pretending we’re fresh out of high school is just too predatory and creepy for me. I told Tim that we’re both over two hundred years old – too old for this shit. What do you think?

A: I think you’re too old for that shit. Remember, you’re Vampires, which means you can have more fun than any human is ever allowed without being creepy or predatory.

 

Well, I hope I answered all of your questions for this week. Ask Juliette is a semi-regular feature here at vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about ANYTHING leave it in the comments here OR email me at juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette – Woodchucking, An Itchy Witch Situation, and Getting Published

Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampire Maman.

This week: Woodchucking, An Itchy Witch Situation, Getting Published, and Dealing with a Disneyland Dad. I’m not sure I have the answer you want but I have the answer you’ll get today.

Vampire Teen

 

Dear Juliette,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

~ Tongue Tied

 

Dear Tongue Tied,

Really? Woodchucks?

If a woodchuck could chuck wood it wouldn’t be much. They have little bitty arms and can’t throw logs like some great big Vampire guy could. I’d say after a hefty pile of kindling, say about a twenty-five gallon drum full the poor little critter would be exhausted for a week.

~ Juliette

Look at those tiny little woodchuck arms.

Look at those tiny little woodchuck arms.

 

Dear Juliette,

How do I get my book published? Should I go with an agent or publish it myself?

~ New Novelists

 

Dear New Novelists,

How about you just start drinking now. Start with vodka. I like it on ice with about three big olives. Then move on to gin. Buy a couple of gallons of each at Costco. Make sure you have enough limes, olives, cocktail onions, and ice on hand.

Traditional Route:

Indie Publishing

  • Go to the Indies Unlimited web site for articles and resources.
  • Start at Amazon.com and follow the instructions.
  • Make sure your book is PERFECT.
  • Do not make the mistake of having an amateurish looking cover. A childish drawing or unprofessional type treatment will kill your sales. Find a professional to help you with the cover. It will be well worth the money.
  • Write a great jacket cover description – even for e-books. A great description will encourage readers to BUY your book. Think about it.
  • Be prepared to get that publicity machine going. Promote it like crazy. Get people to write reviews.
  • Create a blog or web page for your book.
  • Create an author pages on Facebook and Twitter.
  • About reviews: If someone writes a less than great review just let it go. Trolls are looking for a reaction. Don’t give it to them.
  • I am not the best source for this information. I’m just a Vampire who writes a silly blog.  Go to the Indies Unlimited web site (CLICK HERE) for articles and resources.
  • Good Luck.

Note: Do not fall victim of vanity publishers. You should NEVER pay an agent for a reading fee. Publishing on Amazon, B&N, and many other sites is FREE. No charge. You should never pay out-of-pocket for printing up front. If they ask for money it is time for you to RUN. There are a lot of services saying they’ll publish your book for a fee. DON’T DO IT. A lot of people are waiting out there for inexperienced glassy eyed writers to take their bait. Don’t be stupid. Don’t be bait. You can do it all for free starting with Amazon, and many, many, many other places. PLEASE go to the Indies Unlimited web site before you start. 

Then, no matter what route you choose go have some cake. Everybody likes cake.

stock-illustration-34869112-victorian-writer-thinking-2

He’d get rid of that writer’s block if he’d just have some cake.

 

Dear Juliette,

I accidentally bit a Witch and I think that he cursed me. And now I can’t find him so that I can say that I am sorry. Do you happen to know how to remove curses. I can’t take this infernal itching any more.

~ Itching for an Answer

 

Dear Itching,

Awwww man, I am so sorry to hear that. I like Witches only slightly less than I like ghosts which is not at all. They’re all so sneaky and vindictive. But I waver from my usual political correctness – not all Witches are like that…Oh just strike me with lightning right now because I am not going to say anything nice about them. I don’t know anyone who gets butt-hurt like a Witch. They’re so over sensitive.

Alright, removing a curse isn’t easy but it can be done.

First things first. How in the world did you accidentally bite a Witch? The throes of passion? An unfortunate fall? Trying to get away from the gingerbread house?

But before we get to removing that curse – make sure you rub your itch with Witch Hazel. No puns intended. The stuff works, or at least it will make things seem a little bit better.

I asked several experts on the subject about your problem.

If you can’t find your Witch you’ll have to resort to kissing. Yes, kissing is the cure for just about every itching spell. Your best bet is a Werewolf, on the lips, in human form. If you can’t find a Werewolf then you have to kiss a real courtesan. I kid you not – where do you think cortisone cream got its name? The third choice (it isn’t a frog) is to kiss someone who broke your heart. But wait, you have a fourth choice. Kiss a child on the forehead then teach the darling the lyrics of Scratch That Itch by Ratt. I know that sounds extreme but I know you can do it. The child will have no idea what it means. Absolutely no idea. It will work with your own kid, or in a pinch your parrot or myna bird. On the other hand the lyrics are kind of dirty. So if you know any big babies who are really adults it might work with them. Give it a try. What have you got to lose?

Good luck.

~ Juliette

Vampire Teen

Dear Juliette,

I am divorced with two kids. My ex is always taking them to movies, restaurants, Chuck E Cheese, and other places I can’t afford. I feel like I need to financially compete for their love and I’m broke! My question is, where should I exsanguinate him for maximum effect? I want to make sure he “gets the message.”

~ Broke Mom

 

Dear Broke Mom,

I hate Chuck E Cheese with a passion. Disneyland Dads (and sometimes moms) can be so frustrating. If your kids are old enough to “get it” explain to them, gently, without malice, that Dad has more money and until the National wage gap problem is solved you can’t compete with material objects but you love them more than the universe. Tell them that this isn’t a contest and you aren’t going to play. Children know at an early age that if they are allowed to they can play their parents off of each other. Don’t buy into it. They know a lot more than parents give them credit for.

I’m sure you’ve talked to your ex until you’re ready to scream, or maybe you’ve already screamed. As for the exsanguination, there are several options. Since I don’t know this guy’s personality I might be off track. First you can take him back to court and get more child support. That is messy and expensive. You could also tell him that since he can afford everything else that he has to pay for braces, math tutors, AP and SAT tests, sports fees and all the other high ticket items. I’m sure you’ve done that too. But do it with a smile. Be super nice – it will creep him out and make him wonder what is going on.

Yes indeed, all of that expensive fun is like crack to kids. Unless you send them on a crazy insane guilt trip (and you don’t want to do that) they are going to love every minute of the love Daddy is buying.

So where do you do your real blood letting? Anywhere is good, just as long as you don’t do it in front of your kids. Unfortunately this isn’t like the old days when you really could drain him dry.

This is, to date the most difficult question I’ve had to answer and I don’t really have a great answer.

Just remember, no matter what, talk to your kids and always keep the lines of communication open with them. Listen to them. Spend time with them. Be happy around them. They’ll “get it” eventually. In the end they’ll know you’re the Mom and the one who will be there for them no matter what, good times or bad.

~ Juliette

Featured Image -- 10652
Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampire Maman.

These are real questions from real readers. If you have a question about relationships, parenting, Vampires, paranormal stuff, fashion, Zombies, art, or ANYTHING just ask and I’ll try to answer. If might not be the answer you expect, but it will be an answer.

Email me at juliettevampiremom (at) gmail (dot com)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman