Ask Juliette: Cheating Spouses, Kids, Dating and Vampires.

Ask Juliette

Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone!

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampiremaman.com

These are real questions from real readers. If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to: juliettevampiremom@gmail.com

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We have some tough questions this week, along with some tough answers. These are REAL questions from REAL readers. Alright, hold on tight – here we go.

Iareseriouscat

 

Dear Juliette,

How do Vampires deal with cheating spouses?

~ Dan G.

 

Dear Dan G.,

Is your spouse cheating on you? Bloody Hell that can’t be fun. And you can’t kill the cheater because, well he or she is already more or less dead. Or are YOU the one cheating? If it is you then be afraid, be very afraid. It is bad enough if someone holds a grudge or gives you the stink-eye for a couple of weeks, but imagine a couple of centuries. That could be brutal.

I gotta tell you, Vampire don’t deal with cheating spouses very well. That is the main reason few Vampires get married.

Of course if one is married to a warm blooded Regular Human that is another story. You shouldn’t cheat. You shouldn’t be dishonest. You should be good but sometimes the urge to be with one with a heart that does not flutter, and the scrape of fangs along, well, any body part, is um, hard to resist.

I know that most people imagine we kill our cheating spouses. But honestly we just don’t cheat. We’re pretty complacent when it comes to relationships. Passionate, but we make it work. Forever means forever.

But you know, if there is an occasional slip with a warm blooded someone you are having for dinner, don’t sweat it. That happens. Everyone plays with their food every once in a while.

~ Juliette

This is not my bed. I don't sleep in a box.

 

Dear Juliette,

I’ve been made aware of a situation that could benefit from the unique advice of a vampire mom: an orphan who ran afoul of a Vampire while in foster care and survived an attempt to turn him.

While the boy didn’t become undead himself, he was left alive with a few unique abilities in addition to his memory of the experience. He hasn’t adjusted well but keeps his secret, and adults haven’t been able to get through to him even though they sense he’s hurting.

Another Vampire close to the situation is considering taking a more active role in his development. As a survivor of a similar attack herself, she’s afraid she’ll only do him harm but hopes the boy can relate even with a ten-year age difference. She is considering enrolling them both into a shared activity like martial arts as a means to built trust and get him to open up naturally, but she has serious doubts and wonders if she shouldn’t just stay as far away from the situation as possible.

What would a Vampire mom do to help the boy in this situation, a parentless child in need but not a blood relative?

~ Asking for a friend.

 

Dear Asking,

What a wonderful thought. Yes, do help this child. Everyone needs someone they can talk to who won’t pass judgment. Every child needs to feel normal, even when deep down inside he knows he is a little bit different.

Vampires are known for helping out those in need. One of my own brothers has adopted several Regular Human children over the years. They turned out just fine. Granted they ended up with sort of a sick and twisted sense of humor, but they had great lives. Everybody needs a Vampire in their life – the earlier the better.

A shared activity would be fantastic. I don’t recommend martial arts due to the amount of antiques, especially art pottery, you’ll find in Vampire homes. Children tend to get excited and like to practice their kicking and flailing about.

Consider Artistic Roller Skating. I’m serious. It is a unique sport in which all ages can participate. It is figure skating on wheels. American dance can be mastered by just about anyone. You and the child can do creative dance routines or even freestyle routines. Competitions are fun and you get to wear fabulous costumes. Plus off of the floor skate rinks tend to be dark. Seriously, it is a great sport. My daughter and her dance partner are National Champions. The teens just love it and the little ones are soooooo cute (even the Vampire kids.)

If you don’t have a roller skating rink in your area try ice skating. If ice skating is unavailable consider rock climbing or fly fishing. Even bird watching is fun. My cat loves it. Even race walking can be fun and it looks goofy as Hell. You’ll laugh so hard your fangs will hurt. Oh, and my husband Teddy (who I’d never cheat on) just suggested bee keeping and slam poetry.

Encourage him not to feel icky or out of place, or weird because of his unique abilities. Everybody is different and we need to embrace those differences.

No matter what you do with the child know that you are doing the right thing.

And remember family is a group of individuals who love each other and care for each other. It doesn’t matter if they’re related by blood (no matter where that blood comes from.)

~ Juliette

Vampire Teen

 

Dear Juliette,

Do Vampires have a soul? Some religious cults say they don’t… but knowing you I would say you do… what is the truth?

~ Soul Sister

 

Dear Soul Sister,

Like zealots, charlatans and politicians, some Vampires have souls and some don’t.

Yes indeed, we do have souls, at least some of us do. In fact we have two souls. One is our own and the other is for the shadows. Vampires own their own souls, which means we can’t sell them. This bugs the jebbers out of demons and old Nick himself, but screw him. We don’t need all of that mess anyway. And stay clear of angels. Holy crap they can be sanctimonious.

But completely owning your own soul has a certain amount of burden attached to it. Trust me on this one. It can be a lonely existence.

Like I always say, over and over and over, converting someone into a Vampire is risky business. If you don’t do it right, or do it with malice, you will end up with a soulless Vampire. You see, one dies in a way and if the soul is allowed to escape then they’re screwed. Those are nasty nasty shadow creeping creatures that I cannot abide. Nobody wants to be around them. That is when we call in the Vampire Hunters.

As for the rest of us, we’re just fine. I have a bunch of posts on the subject. Let me know if you want the short list (a few links are in this answer.)

~ Juliette

 

design

Dear Juliette,

How prevalent is depression and mental disorders in Vampires?

~ Fangs A. Lot

 

Dear Fangs A. Lot,

To be honest with you we’re all pretty happy and sane.

Unfortunately Vampires have their melancholy wracked nights just like Regular Humans. Other mental disorders not so much. The chemical makeup is different. Want to talk about depressed, talk to Werewolves. Those guys have it bad. Awww man I feel sorry for them.

But, that doesn’t mean someone can’t be nuts. You know what I’m talking about. We all know crazy ass people who don’t have anything wrong with them.

~ Juliette

vampire wing award

 

Dear Juliette,

After several dating disasters I have to ask. How can you tell the difference between a goth and a vampire? I mean like, you go to sink your fangs…. Er, nibble a little bit on your date’s neck and he turns into a Goth Vampire wanna be who freaks out at the site of blood. What the hell is up with that?

~ Lotte

 

Dear Lotte,

I hate it when that happens. What is wrong with some guys? Seriously? I am so sorry you had to deal with that. All Goth and afraid of a little blood. He is the real prick on your neck for sure.

A girl can never be too careful when it comes to dating. When dating there are several factors to check.

  • Is his skin cool?
  • Does he have a pulse?
  • Is he reflection fuzzy?
  • Does he avoid telling you his real age?

If that happens again immediately take away his man-card and send him on his way.

~ Juliette

 

Well folks, I’m done for today. If you have any burning questions about parenting, relationships or just about anything then ask away. I’ll answer next Thursday on ASK JULIETTE.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Yes I did. Now go to your room.

Yes I did. Now go to your room.

Bullies and Jerks – Vampire Mom is not amused.

This year Janie is being picked on again by one of the stupid Bully Jerks.

When this Bully Jerk boy first started at their school back in 4th grade (they are now in 8th) he would tell everyone that they were going to Hell if they didn’t belong to his church. This was especially true for the Mormon kids (and being on the West Coast there are many), Jewish kids and especially those kids who don’t attend church most of the time and don’t even think of religion on a regular basis.

Now he is part of a group of boys who shrug and grunt and think they are “all that”. Their chief form of entertainment is in judging others and spreading bad karma (for themselves).

So religion aside and politics and whatever – this kid was a jerk. He was picking on Janie because he thinks she is “goth” and “emo” by the way she dresses. So what? Why does he even care? She already has naturally black hair and pale skin and she dresses in a unique way. But not that unique because her favored color is black and favorite store is Hot Topic (all the kids like that store). I think she looks cute and she is a DARLING girl full of life and spunk.

I’m proud of Janie for taking a stand against the Bully Jerk.

I am also proud of my daughter and her friends for telling the Bully Jerk to BACK OFF. He doesn’t even know Jamie. The kids laid into him hard. I don’t know if they got through to him but I hope they did .

One of the best things you can do for your child is to tell her to STAND UP for those who have quiet voices. STAND UP for those who are different. STAND UP for those who are bullied. STAND UP for their friends.

I wonder what they (the Bully Jerks) are learning at home to be so self-assured in their beliefs. As far as I’m concerned they are one step from being modern day Nazis. If they don’t go that far they are growing up to be hateful bigots. I’ve met those smug self serving people with their vile black hearts. They leave a bitter taste in my mouth and I’m inclined to give them nightmares if I ever have to come into close contact with them.

But for every boy like this there are many more who are not.

I am not a religious person but my friends of many faiths inspire me.
If you are going to bash Mormons, Catholics, Atheists, Jews, Holy Rollers, Republicans, Democrats, artists, historians, scientists, Goths, old people, teens, and large general groups then you are bashing most of my friends and family. – STOP IT.

And back to FAITH: For most people faith is deeply personal but they know how to separate it from their social lives, school and work. Most people are reasonable but it is the few who are not who are assholes and ruin it for everyone. CUT IT OUT.

I swear I think Vampires DO need to be more involved in the petty narrow-minded lives of many regular humans. We’d show them what it is to be different. Jerk Offs.

 

Vampire Masquerade Ball – Costumes Round 2 – Dress Designs for Nancygail

As a rule, Vampires tend to be exceptionally charming, witty, well read and smart. Sometimes I feel like the exception to that, at least lately, but least I lament about my glum moods these days…where was I?

You always remember when you meet someone who is exceptionally witty and scary smart and sensitive in a charming and straight forward way without excessive sap and giddy sweetness that makes your teeth hurt…that is my friend Nancygail.

Much to my delight, she (and I hope her friend Hollie) will be attending the Vampire Masquerade Ball in August. 

I put together a few quick sketches for dresses (masks to come) and hope these designs aren’t too fussy for her.

So many dresses to design and so little time. No expense is to be spared on fabrics and trims.

Vampire Masquerade! Costume Sketches – round one!

As you all know the Vampire Masquerade Ball is coming up in August. I am so jazzed.

Teddy said he’d wear a suit and a plain black mask. That is what he SAID, but it isn’t what is going to happen.

In the meantime Garrett and his pals (age 15-17) are going as the Three Musketeers – Vampire Style. They’ve asked me to help them with their costumes. I told them to go see my mom. She was actually alive at the time, but they insisted I help.

So that leaves Clara and I. Clara will turn 13 in July so this is sort of like a coming out party to her. We decided on a fancy princes fantasy ball look for both of us. That may change. I did a few 5 minute sketches. We’re still looking through old books and photographs for ideas.

In the meantime I thought I’d share what we have so far. Just some quick stuff with a Sharpie on paper.

Let me know what you’re wearing. Of course if you want to keep it a secret I’ll understand.

~ Juliette