AGT and Cocktails – The 2017 Voting Starts (and Vampires)

(Peviously recorded – the winners of this round are listed after all act descriptions.)

In the summer of 2017 I started posting about AGT, sharing the comments of the peanut gallery of friends and family, and telling you what cocktails Teddy was making for the night.

Last night was the first night of votes for the 2017 season. Tonight we’ll find out what the first batch of talented folks going in for the finals will be.

So here is a run down of who performed, and what was said. This gets pretty brutal. Vampires are not an easy crowd.

Christian Guardino 

This kid is only 17 and I gotta admit has a huge voice. Last night my family was not part of his fan base. The peanut gallery gave the following comments:

He’s not that good.

Like Catsup and Ice Cream, but the judges will rave about him.

The judges did rave about him but I don’t think he is that great.

Yes, the judges ate him up.

Our vote: NO

Artion and Page (Dancers)

This eight and ten year old pair is so full of energy and sooooo cute. I have no idea why I like them. I usually don’t like kid dancers. Maybe that was after years of a certain dance school exploiting and sexualizing their hoochie dancing baby salsa stars. Ugh. BUT this isn’t the case this year. These kids are absolutely genuine and precious. They are just funny. Their facial expressions are hilarious and joyful and real. And these kids can move – but they move like kids. They just fun. Puppy and kitten cute. By the way, they danced to Footloose.

Our vote: Yes (except Teddy who doesn’t like any of the dancers)

In the Stairwell

This group is made up of a group of fine young men who attend the United States Air Force Academy. They are all great singers, good looking, and just darned cute (suck it up Vlad, you’re not the only one.) I love them. One Tuesday they sang the Fun song “Some Nights. Even Simon stood up to cheery. They are fine indeed.

Our Vote: YES YES YES

Singing Trump

This is a guy who is in his 50’s, obviously a professional performer, and entertaining. Unfortunately he was off on Tuesday, with a bad choice of songs. He did “Shut Up and Dance,” which was weird and confusing done by “Trump.” Then he switched to M.C. Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This.” A sad fail indeed. Yes, the man will never get my vote.

Comments from the peanut gallery: He’s not fat enough to be trump. Whoever he is the man is a professional. Tremendous, greatly, and very very bad tonight.

Our Vote: No

Angelica Hale

A nine year old girl with big pipes. We like her. She is cute with a mature sounding voice. She can really sing.

Our Vote: Yes

Bello Nock

This guy is a classic circus clown in the old time Barnum and Bailey tradition. He does dare devil stuff. He is good at what he does. He makes it look fun. Alas, he didn’t grab any of us enough to get our vote.

Our Vote: No

Just Jerk

When I saw the name I thought of Jamaican cooking. No such luck.

This is yet another group of teenage boys (with a couple of token girls) who dance as good as an average high school drill team. Ho hum. Boring music. Boring Dancing. I don’t know why they were even chosen in the first place. This is where the formula aspect of the show comes in – they need people in every group (singers, dancers, teens, adults, kids, dare devils, etc.)

Our Vote: NO

Puddles Pity Party

This guy is a talented mature singer dressed like a sad turn of the 20th century clown. 

Comments from the peanut gallery:

Fast forward. NOW.

Simon should come out and beat him to death.

This is bull shit.

The song is horrible enough and even worse when he sings it.

Simon gave him an X.

Our Vote: No

Preacher Lawson

Comedian

We love this guy. OMG he is funny. He is a shooting star. Love love love! Look him up on YouTube. Preacher Lawson.

Our Vote: YES

 

Yoli Mayor

No good comments from the peanut gallery EXCEPT that she looked great and had a wonderful dress on that was super flattering. It was a bad song to start with and she can’t even sing it. I don’t know why the judges (Simon) are so intrigued by her. She is a lovely young woman, but not the million dollar act.

Our Vote: No

 

Trashy Roller Skaters

We’re a skating family. My daughter is a US National Roller Sports Champion. We DO NOT like this act. This brother and sister pair CAN skate. They have expensive boots and plates. They know what they are doing, BUT they are so trashy. She dresses slutty. He usually has his shirt off. They were spinning around and his head is right in his sister’s whoo haw.

Comments from the peanut gallery: All they do is spend. People are doing this in Vegas (naked.) All they do is spin. All they do is spin. All they do is spin. This would be a good 90 second opening for another act. If she wasn’t hot it wouldn’t work.

Our Vote: No

 

Darcy Lynne

This young ventriloquist could win it all. I can’t even describe how good she is (so here is a video.)

She is amazing. She sings better than 99% of the singers. She keeps in character with her characters. She has amazing stage presence. She’s a winner.

Our Vote: YES YES YES YES YES YES

And the acts that went through to the finals are:

In the Stairwell

Darcy Lynne

Angelica Hale

Preacher Lawson

Trashy Roller Skaters

And two acts saved with some Dunkin Donuts weird vote thing were:

Yoli Mayor

Christian Guardino

 

While we’re all watching this silly show my husband Teddy is making cocktails.

Forget the fruit and the fluff.

We’re going for the hard stuff.

 

That’s No Bull Shot

  • 2 ounces vodka
  • 2 oz blood
  • 1/4 fresh squeezed lemon juice
  • 1/2-cup of cold beef concentrate
  • 2-6 dashes of Tabasco or other hot sauce to taste
  • A dash of ground pepper
  • A dash of cayenne pepper
  • A dash of kosher salt

Instructions:

Shake all ingredients in a shaker with liberal amounts of ice. Garnish with a slice of lemon.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

vm_eve

 

Bloody Bovine

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 4 oz of V8 or Trader Joe’s Vegetable Cocktail Juice
  • 4 oz chilled beef concentrate
  • 4 oz blood
  • 1 tsp of peeled and finely grated fresh horseradish (If you don’t have fresh use the kind in the jar. Don’t use the cream horse radish sauce because it will be disgusting.)
  • A pinch celery salt
  • 2 dashes of Worcestershire sauce
  • 3 dashes of Tabasco Sauce or more to taste
  • A liberal sprinkle of ground pepper
  • 1/4 oz fresh lemon juice (just squeeze in a few wedges)
  • And a big green olive or two. Try a blue cheese stuffed one.

Instructions:

Combine everything over ice in a big glass (or two if you want to share). Stir. Ganish with a long piece of fresh red bell pepper.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

Now Let’s Talk BACON

vm bacon cocktail

It’s all about the bacon. And the news is good.

You can now have your bacon and drink it too.

 

How to make Bacon Washed Booze.

 

You can add bacon flavor to vodka, whiskey or broubon. And it is easy. AND best of all you’ll get to eat the bacon.

This is fantastic in a Bloody Ceasar or Bloody Mary.

 

Bacon Washed Booze

Ingredients:

  • 1 pound good quality bacon
  • 26 ounces vodka, whiskey or bourbon (some people like to use rum too. I say go for it.)
  • 2 quart Mason jars
  • Fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth and funnel
  1. Fry up your bacon on low heat until nicely crisp but not charred. You don’t want to burn it. Pour fat from the pan into a heat-safe bowl (like a Pyrex bowl).
  2. Remove bacon strips and put them on a plate that’s covered with a paper towel. Let stand for five minutes.
  3. Pour alcohol of your choice into a large mason jar.
  4. When the bacon has cooled slightly, add strips into the Mason jar with the alcohol. Pour bacon fat into the jar as well. Let jar stand at room temperature for four hours and stir mixture every hour. Remove the bacon strips (but not the fat)
  5. Put the jar into the freezer overnight. The fat will solidify and rise to the top, scrape as much fat out of the jar as possible.
  6. Using a fine-mesh strainer pour vodka from one jar to a new empty mason jar. The strainer should catch lots of bacon fat and other stuff.
  7. Wash the original jar used and train the bacon infused alcohol one more time into the now clean and empty Mason jar. Enjoy.

 

vm_rick

Make a dry Bacon Martini and garnish with a strip of bacon. Or try a Smokey Vampire. Yum.

 The Smokey Vampire

  • 2 oz. Bacon Infused Bourbon (or Whiskey)
  • 1/4 oz. maple syrup
  • 2 dashes Angostura bitters
  • Orange juice (just a bit)
  • Blood (just a bit)

In mixing glass, stir 2 ounces bacon-infused bourbon, maple syrup, and bitters with ice. Strain into chilled rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish with bacon and if you want add a splash of orange juice and blood.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

Have fun and we’ll see you next week for more ATG and Cocktails (and Vampires.)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summer TV Update (with Vampires, guilty pleasures, cooking, movies, AGT, and more)

Fall is just around the corner. I know that because I am painfully aware that books for the fall quarter for two college aged kids will run around $1,600 – $2,000, maybe a little less if they are lucky enough to get used books. But on a good note, the summer TV season is still in full swing.

I know I’m not the only person on the planet who is NOT watching Game of Thrones. I was turned off the first season by all of the gratuitous doggy style sex in every single episode. Really? Come on folks mix it up. I think that is an HBO thing. Seriously it gets annoying after a while (like after the first five or six times within an hour.) There were also a couple of other annoying things. I tried to read the first book and couldn’t get through it due to the writing style. It was well written, but I just couldn’t get into it. Hey, I have read a lot of fantasy, more than most, and a lot of difficult literature (which I loved) but I couldn’t get into Game of Thrones. Sort of like I can’t get into any Wally Lamb book (sort of like waiting in Hell, I mean on hold with any technical support department with any cable company, phone company, or eBay.) But if you like it then go for it. Have fun. As us Vampires say, “sink your teeth into it.” And there are dragons. Dragons are always exceptionally cool.

I also don’t watch Dr. Who. Never have. Never will. I will not discuss the subject. Period.

By the way, I have a funny bit. This morning my husband answered the phone at some early still-dark hour. He said, “Microsoft Technical Support,” and presto – the caller was gone. HA HA HA. I love that man.

So what stupid things have I been watching this summer? Not a lot. Mainly movies. Mainly small indie films. I’ll do another post for summer theater films (maybe) later. This is what I’ve watched and highly recommend that I’ve seen on cable.

Juliette’s Short List for Summer Movies You Can Watch On Your TV or Computer:

  • The Fundamentals of Caring
  • Shimmer Lake
  • I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore
  • Tangerine

Note: All of these are small Independent films. Good stuff. None of them will make you want to strangle me after you see them. Please see the ratings and descriptions before you watch them with kids. 

 

The Bachelorette

Late one night, while I was alone, I discovered The Bachelorette. I discovered Rachael. Who couldn’t love Rachael. She is a beautiful, lovely, charming, sweet woman from Texas.

I usually don’t get hooked into this stuff but I did. I watched it in secret without family or friends. I wouldn’t admit to anyone that I was following Rachael’s adventures. But I couldn’t stop watching it.

You know, if it was a guy picking out a girl from the usually room full of chicks in too high of heels and too tight dresses I wouldn’t have watched. But this was different. This was so different. I’m not going to even try to explain today. Maybe later. Not today (I have stuff to do and need to finish this post.)

She started out with about thirty guys who all wanted to marry her, or at least get the chance to find out if they wanted to marry her. Each week she’d give a rose to the guys she wanted to keep in the running. The guys all stayed together in a stable, I mean house. Some were nice. Several were real douches. Some spent their time back stabbing other guys. That got them nowhere. In the meantime Rachael went around the world having romantic adventures with the fellows and FINALLY picked the last THREE. Oh what a heart break and what a sweet ending.

She picked…one of my favorites…the right choice… Bryan. Woo Hoo. I wish them a long happy life together.

I hope it works out for them when reality sets in. You know the reality I’m talking about. How will they handle it when one of them gets sick our injured? How will she deal with his weird high school friend Kyle? What about their morning routines, holidays, decorating styles, views on how they’ll raise their kids, where they’ll raise their kids, morning coffee breath, what they watch on TV and a variety of weird things? Life after dating can get complicated – yes, that is what marriage is. Marriage is rewarding but it isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work, and it isn’t always romantic.

I still can’t believe I got sucked into this. Awww, must be the romantic in me. Hey, Peter, dude, you blew it.

America’s Got Talent

This is my flagship show. What I mean by that is that when I first started this blog back in 2012 I started blogging about this show every single week during the summer. All of us (me, family, friends) would gather around and watch. I publish comments from the peanut gallery – unfiltered and unapologetic. The honest truth. The show is good this year and now in the judges cuts for the top acts. I’ll be posting on it again… and YES WITH COCKTAILS. Do a search for previous blog posts on this show.

I have to add one note about this season’s “golden buzzer” choices. A small girl with a big voice sang a lovely song and received the “golden buzzer.” My daughter looked the girl up on Google and found that she’d been in talent shows all over Asia. No wonder she was so good on stage, so slick, and utterly fantastic in a practiced and staged way. Her parents have made her into an industry – starting with what they named her (after a famous singer.) Unlike many of the other children we’ve seen on the show I feel this child is exploited by her parents. There is nothing natural about her. This isn’t talent. This is force fed performance – like a trained dog or monkey. She is their cash cow – raised to be a cash cow. By the time she is 23 she’ll be washed up, but who cares – mom and dad can retire in comfort. It is too bad the guest judge who pressed the golden buzzer couldn’t have seen through the blatant exploitation of a small child.

Vampire Cocktails – two parts mixer, one part blood. Cheers. And never drink and drive.

Next Food TV Star

This season had a bunch of likable folks (except two who were just annoying.) In my opinion it was the best season ever. They are now down to the last three. All men. All fun. All guys you’d want to hug and have as neighbors. All great. My bets are on Jason, a wonderful guy from Tennessee with an accent that will melt your heart away. I could just eat him up. This man can cook and entertain. Let’s see what happens.

If you don’t want to win on this show do the following:

  1. Refer to yourself as “Mama” something.
  2. Talk non-stop about a distant country you identify with, that nobody has ever heard of, even though you are 5th generation American. Then rather than educating us, and sharing with us the wonders of your beautiful family culture, be so confusing about it that nobody knows what the crap you’re talking about.
  3. Be totally clueless in the kitchen.
  4. Show the other contestants how ignorant and helpless you are.
  5. Act surprised that you’re going to be on TV and have to talk about your food.
  6. Don’t know what a vanilla bean looks like.
  7. Make the other contestants want to cry when they are paired up with you.
  8. Don’t follow directions.
  9. Act like a Martha Stewart wannabe.
  10. Make some sort of shrimp and grits for every single challenge. Yes, we know you’re from the South, but I know damn well that folks from the South eat a lot more than grits.

Preacher

I love this show. I fucking love this show.

Life Below Zero

I’m hooked. Love Sue. Love the others too. But I wish they’d show more than just hunting and fishing. I’d like to see other aspects of their lives as well. We get a hint, but I’d like more. OK I admit, I watch for the foxes at Sue’s and the puppies with everyone else.

Forged in Steel

People make knives. No drama. They are craftsmen and women. They are awesome. Wow. Check it out.

Ink Master

Yes, we’re watching this weird and wonderful train wreck of a show. This year is a team effort (teams of two in competition against each other.) There is less drama and better ink than on previous shows. Thank you producers for raising the bar a little. And did I say better artists? Yes, they’re better than we’ve seen in years. Like most shows this is just something we watch together, talk about while we watch it, and don’t take too seriously. It is family time. Don’t like to watch it alone cause it just wouldn’t be fun. And Dave is still hot.

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first. Hey, look at the Vampire Maman tattoo (yes, he has a tattoo.) Is that me on his arm? Hell yeah!

 

So have a nice week everyone, and try to get outside too. Have fun – as only the summer can give you.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

America’s Got Talent 2016 FINAL – With Cocktails & Vampires

AGT and Cocktails

AGT and Cocktails

Every summer since 2012 I’ve been posting about AGT and Cocktails – that is the television talent show America’s Got Talent, my husband Teddy’s cocktails, and comments from the peanut gallery (assorted Vampires and occasional “other” friends.)

Tonight we have my daughter Clara, Teddy, my brothers Max and Andy, and Lola here to watch and make their peanut gallery observations.

This year I’m skipping to the FINAL. I didn’t feel like blogging every single show this year. t have to admit it has been a good year. There have been a lot of talented people in the competition this year. I’m not crazy about all of the finalists but I like most of them. All are good. Anyone could win. There are no unlikable assholes, freakish contrived family acts, obnoxious Cha Cha dancers, precocious brats, or fart acts.

What we are watching are talented kids, talented adults, great singers, unique sleight of hand, a guy with tape over his mouth, a pretzel girl, a juggler from another time  and old-fashioned mind readers.

I’m not going to go into great detail about who these folks are. If you’ve watched the show all along you’ll know who they are. I’ll post a video of each from either the final or a previous show.

Sal Valenetti

The 20-year-old St. John’s University student brought down the house singing Mac The Knife like a seasoned pro. I love this guy.

Comments from the peanut gallery: He is just smooth. He crushed it. He nailed it. I could listen to this guy ALL NIGHT. Wow. And the judges loved him.

He could win.

Sophie Dossi

From the Peanut Gallery: What is she going to do. I want to see her eat her foot. She can pint her toe nails from this. There is nothing that gives me a wow from her. Any gymnast can do that. This just sucks. How does she do that. You seen enough? The one with the remote fast forwarded this one. Alice doesn’t care, then again she is a dog.

Linkin’ Bridge

From the Peanut Gallery: Great the first time but… The big guy is the one who can sing, I don’t know why they keep letting the other one do solos. That guy can sing too. They need to pick songs that are actually good to sing. They did it ass backwards – the solos were in the wrong place. But it doesn’t sound too bad. They are good but I’m not getting the wow I got the first time. Sort of like that wonderful first date and by the fourth date you’re kind of bored. Nobody liked the back up singers. Why do great singers and groups have to ruin it with backup singers. The original was such a good song. Sigh. They are about two carrots short of stew. Good but not quite. I could pick four random guys around a fire on a corner in Philadelphia and they’d do just as good.

Laura Breton

The Peanut Gallery was speechless. This is why people watch opera. She is so talented. With training…oh my goodness. Where does that voice come from? And angel. Only fourteen with a real natural beauty and sweetness. Such passion. She hits is perfect every single time.

The Clarivoynts

The Peanut Gallery: They’re creepy. I like them. They’re so pretty and charming and I know how they do it. Word cues. They have their own code just like the clairvoyants of the 19th century and before. Key words. Key words. Key words. But they do it with style.  This is county fair shit. This is awful. We’ve seen others like them but they’ve all been voted out. I’m done. She isn’t dressed like some skank. OK I’m done.

Brian Justin Crum

Ho Hum. I’m just not a fan. Then he did a Queen cover – is was, well, in my opinion, awful.

From the Peanut Gallery: This is awful. He’s announcing not singing. He changes the songs too much. He can’t hit the notes so he changes the songs. He can’t hit notes. A one trick pony. I didn’t even recognize that song. OMG that is Michael Jackson. No. The jacket is too tight. He sucks. The judges hyped him up so much. He’s horrible. That wasn’t even singing.

I have to say that my brother Andy is here. Andy is a professional opera singer. He just sort of rolled his eyes. Someone mentioned that one of the judges has the intelligence of a jelly bean.

Tape Mouth

I love him. Teddy is not a fan. He does stuff in New Zealand but under his own name without the tape.

Peanut Gallery: I got to admit that was pretty good. I wonder what he does when he isn’t so random. I wonder if he won if he’d break character and take off the tape. When you look him up he mentions that his ideas come from Charlie Chaplin and other silent comedians. The sight gags are goo. He just flashed the 21 Pilots symbol.

Victor Kee

Juggling like the Ballet Russe from the early 20th Century. He is from another time. I love his style. I love his look.

The Peanut Gallery: I can’t do a summersault. He isn’t as wonderful tonight as he usually is. Uh oh he dropped one. He is still beautiful to watch. I was hoping with the mountain/fire background that he’d do Hall of the Mountain King. Butt contour.

John Dorenbos

Peanut Gallery: He is so sweet. Do you remember him from when he was playing football? He still plays dear. He is so likable. He is but he’s used to being in the public eye. He has a good message. His presentation is what makes him. Magic that inspires. He is brilliant.

Don’t hate, don’t blame, and forgive. The magic is in every single one of us. I’m getting all choked up now. Awww man.

Gracie VanderWaal

And the winner is… she is only 12 years old. Wow. We love her. She could be opening for Never Shout Never, or 21 Pilots, or Fall Out Boy, or even Panic! at the Disco.

You can tell she is a good kid. You can tell she isn’t from some weird family who is trying to exploit her. She writes her own songs. She could be singing at Warped Tour. Cha Ching Simon.

Her style is Punk Pop (in the indie/alternative range), which by the way is what my kids love. Good job Grace for not buying into the commercial crap that is forced upon so many young minds and ears.

 

Who got our votes?

Sal, Laura, John, and Grace.

Who will win? Grace, John, or Sal.

We’ll see tomorrow.

Cheers!

Cheers!

Tonight’s Cocktail:

Kentucky Coffee

  • 8-10 oz Coffee (we used butterscotch carmel flavored beans, but you can use whatever kind you want, say a nice Etheopian blend.)
  • A dash of cinnimon
  • 1/4 cut milk
  • A shot or two of Bourbon
  • If you’re a Vampire add a shot or two of hot strained blood.
  • Mix it all in a mug and enjoy.

Ohhh, now it’s time for Ink Master. Tuesday night is when all the Vampires watch TV. Really. I couldn’t make this shit up.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

We've got plenty of talent.

We’ve got plenty of talent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: Ouija Boards, AGT, and Vampires

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a sort of regular Thursday feature here at Vampire Maman. Readers send in questions and I answer them. If you have a burning question about life, love, relationships, Vampires, paranormal stuff, TV, writing, or anything, just send me a message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com

 

Ask Juliette

Dear Juliette,

My sister-in-law (my brother’s wife) freaked out when she found out my kids and their friends play with a Ouija board. I think she is being ridiculous, but she threatened to keep her children away from mine. Now she is telling everyone my kids are Satan worshipers. I don’t want to cave into her fanatical beliefs, but I don’t want to keep my kids away from their cousins.

Isn’t family great. I’d be more afraid of her than I would be of the spirits a Ouija board might bring to your house. She sounds pretty scary.

First of all you need to ask your brother why he married the woman in the first place.

Secondly you need to let your children know that a Ouija board is a game. I have it on good authority that ghosts don’t hang out in the parlors of mediums, or in Ouija boards. It is just for fun.

As for the SIL who is obsessed with Satan, tell her to get over it. For heaven’s sake, I’m a Vampire and I’ve never seen anyone tempted to follow Satan due to a childhood game dealing with ghosts. Most kids like stories and games about anything to do with horror and paranormal.

You need to get your brother involved in this one. Explain to him what is going on. He has to know that your kids are not doing anything unwholesome or rude. She is unfairly judging your children. Tell your brother to have a conversation with his wife and let her know, firmly, yet gently that your children are not devil worshipers. And she needs to shut the fuck up with the gossip.

 

Ask Juliette

Dear Juliette,

You’d mentioned a few weeks ago that you were going to start posting AGT (America’s Got Talent) and Cocktails again. What happened? Who are your favorites for the auditions this year?

Why yes, I did say I was going to post about it and I hope to. The audition stage has finished with a bang and a 90 year old stripper. She was precious.

This year has both Simon Cowell and a good set of contestants. I like the addition of Simon. He looks at the personality and potential in groups. The ladies are still, for the most part, dumber than rocks, and wearing exceptionally tacky dresses, but they’re entertaining. Howie is still Howie.

Anyway, I usually do not like kids in shows like this. So many are too contrived and seem like either brats, or pawns of their parents. But this year has proved to be an exception with so many lovely, talented, and genuine young people.

I’ve highlighted a few below, along with a really fun adult comedian we all enjoyed. Grace VanderWall was wonderful – and she wrote her own song. The judges compared her to Taylor Swift but that was completely wrong. She is more like someone who would open for Twenty One Pilots, Panic! at the Disco, or show up at Warped Tour. She is Indie/Punk Pop/Alternative, and truly talented.

Ask Juliette

Dear Juliette,

Can Vampires and humans have children together? How do Vampires get pregnant?

Vampires only have children with other Vampires. I feel sorry for all of the misguided women who have fantasies about having a half-Vampire child with one of my handsome brothers or other lovely Vampire guys I know. It isn’t going to happen. They’ll just have sex with you, drink your blood, and never, ever, fall in love with you.

Vampires get pregnant (the rare times they do) the same way as everyone else does.

Ask Juliette

 

Thanks for dropping by. I hope you enjoyed the videos and were helped out with my quick answers.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Play Ball (and Other Summer Vampire News)

“We’ve known the fallacies and misleading contradictions spread about our kind,” said my dear old Dad with a little bit of smile, along with a little bit of fang. “Let them spread it my darlings, it is to our advantage.”

My teenage daughter and twenty-two year old niece listened to their Grandpapa who’d lived through the English Revolution (yes the one in 1688) and decided to start a movement with his fellow Vampires. They’d never lived in the shadows that much, and they didn’t have any plans to follow old dark ways.

I listened to his voice that still held a touch of an English accent. Then they started to talk about Baseball and this year’s Giants lineup. That is one of the advantages of not living in the shadows, especially if you have nice club seats during an evening game. Play ball.

I’m looking forward to a lot of summer fun with both of my kids (Garrett and Clara) and my niece and nephew (Laurel and Logan) RIGHT HERE so I can use them for blog fodder. Whoo Hoo. That is more Vampire fun than most folks can handle – but I know you’re up to it.

 

i-heart-giants

 

On another summertime note, I will be starting up my famous “America’s Got Talent and Cocktails” blog posts soon. The show is in it’s final season unfortunately. But don’t cry because it looks like it will be a good season – maybe the best. And yes, it will make you cry because it is so good. Plus I’ll be posting a new batch of Vampire cocktail recipes and party suggestions.

I will also feature uncensored comments from my own Vampire peanut gallery.

When I started Vampiremaman.com in 2012 the “America’s Got Talent and Cocktails” posts were one of the things that made this blog so famous. No kidding. So watch along with the Vampire family and let us know who your favorites, and not so favorites are this season.

By the way, if you don’t like the show, don’t read the posts.

 

AGT and Cocktails

AGT and Cocktails

Don’t forget… Thursday, June 7 is the next “Ask Juliette” day, where you get to ask me, Juliette aka Vampire Maman, questions about anything and I’ll answer. It is the ultimate advice and information column. If you have a burning question about parenting, relationships, life, Vampires, Zombies, or whatever please plop that burning question in the comments section below or if you’re feeling a bit shy, email me at juliettevampiremom@gmail dot com (you know, .com but if I write it out spamming troll robots will find my email and I’ll never find your message.) All questions received by midnight June 8 will be answered. Any questions I can’t get to will be answered the following week.

 

The fact that he always brought his brothers and their tiny chairs along on dates should have clued me in on just how weird he was.

The fact that he always brought his brothers and their tiny chairs along on dates should have clued me in on just how weird he was.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

ATG 2015 (with Cocktails and Vampires)

Summer is here and for my family (key words: family, family time, children) America’s Got Talent is a silly, fun, tradition. It is an old-fashioned talent show full of magicians, 78-year-old singers, dancers, comedians, acrobats… and you never know who or what will show up. My daughter told me that some kids from her school auditioned. It would be fun to see them on the show.

Last night was the second week of auditions. It is the 10th anniversary of the show. This is our 6th year of watching it, my 4th summer of blogging about it. While we watch my husband Teddy makes snarky comments and makes cocktails.

 

Cheers!

Cheers!

I have adored talent shows from the time I was a child. I never saw a Wild West Show (we lived in the Wild West.)

When my brother’s and I were growing up we took every opportunity we could to see performers. Most were musical acts, but we were open for anything. We’d sneak into theaters, do just about anything to see animal acts and puppets.

We first met our good friend Innocenzio D’ Antonio when he came through town with a touring opera company in 1865. My mother convinced him to stay in California (and turned him into a Vampire.) He showed up on Tuesday, at my house. His opinion is always valued. But we didn’t see any opera singers – not yet, but I guarantee you there will be some.

So what I’m trying to say is that we love shows and a variety of acts. Plus our silly summer ritual is the only talent type reality show we follow.

America’s Got Talent Season 10: Last Tuesday’s Show and Cocktails

The first few shows are the auditions shot during the winter months. The finalists (some children) are called back for the live summer shows (where the audience votes.)

This is what we saw and our rude comments for the second show:

Howie, Howard, Heidi and Mel are all back. My husband Teddy likes to give the silly Heidi clap. He says I clap funny like her.  And of course Nick is back in his usual ugly ill fitting suits – but he is still darling.

Here we go…

The DM Dance Group: Wow. This is one of the best dance groups I’ve ever seen on the show. About two dozen young women in black not only dance in the most mysterious way but use facial expressions too. Teddy thought they were boring, but he hates dance groups.

Wayne Hoffman: This guy exploded stuff in his mouth, or more accurate he did not explode stuff in his mouth, but rather in a box. He was ok. Teddy asked why he didn’t use m-1000’s. Now that would have been an act to remember.

The Craiglouis Band: Two cute and talented soulful singers. The judges loved them. Everyone sitting on my couch kept yelling “wrong key guys.” They also yelled, “you picked the wrong song dudes.”

The Swollowing Vomit Guy, Stevie Star: This guy swallowed stuff then pretended to barf it back up. Parlour tricks at best. He would have made a good opener at an amateur talent show.

Ronnie the Dancer: A weird middle-aged guy who danced in silver shoes. He was buzzed off.

Fourteen Year Old Ballet Dancer: I didn’t catch this young man’s name because everyone was talking too loud and yelling rude things about the previous dancer. The child was a beautiful teenage boy. They mentioned a vision problem, but I couldn’t tell. He was lovely.

Shirley Claire: Wow. This gal was a spunky, 87-year-old vixen. She sang her heart out. The jumpsuit didn’t do much for me – it was a bit baggy, but she hit it out of the ball park with her personality and style. The song she sang was “I’m Going to Live Until I Die.” Good choice.

There was a treadmill dance group. Impressive but not as fun as OK Go. Click here to see OK Go and you’ll know what I mean.

Roller Skate Guys: Horrible. They were nothing but a bunch of rink rat session skaters. Please, stop saying guys like this can skate. Come to the USA Roller Sports National Championships with me this summer and see how REAL skaters do it. Yes, it is a REAL SPORT. My daughter commented, “I can’t stand people like that.”

A magician sawed Heidi in half. I know how that is done. Someone mentioned he should have put a sock in her mouth. Yes it was mean but we all laughed. Sure we’re rude and awful but we’re Vampires.

Then there was the shy girl…

Lisa: A pretty young woman wearing a white blouse and red skirt came out to sing. The nervous girl came out with a huge beautiful bluesy voice. She was on key and absolutely killed it (in the best way.) I only wish the best for her. As a mom, I’d suggest a different hair style next time to frame that lovely face better.

Young Blood: He was a long-haired young man. I think he was trying to look like John Claire in Penny Dreadful (Frankenstein’s Creation.) He drank milk through his nose and squirted it out of his eyes. Why yes, it was disgusting. Yuck.

Derick Hughes Magician: Just look him up on YouTube (Click here for the link). He was a lot of fun and quite unexpected. He could win if he plays his cards right (yes, that was an intended pun.) Yes, he is the guy who pulled the cards out of his fly and out of his butt.

Freckled Sky: A couple of lovely young dancers played underneath water while fantastic images flashed on a screen. The comments from the peanut gallery were, “not tech bull crap,” and, “I’d rather just seem them dance,” and, “putrid,” and, “contrived.” I kind of liked them. They went straight to the Las Vegas semi-finals without having to perform again.

As for those cocktails…

Teddy mixed up a batch of one of our favorites.

Bloody Talent

3 parts V8
2 parts Vodka (I use the kind in the blue bottle)
1 part blood
A dash of lemon juice
A dash of lime juice
A dash of hot sauce
A dash of orange juice (just a dash)
A splash of good gin (the blue or green bottle)
3 large green olives (stuffed with whatever you like)
And add a pickled green bean if you like. Might as well.

Pour over ice!

Thank you Teddy!

If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

So have fun and if you have a talent show it off!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman