Summer TV Update (with Vampires, guilty pleasures, cooking, movies, AGT, and more)

Fall is just around the corner. I know that because I am painfully aware that books for the fall quarter for two college aged kids will run around $1,600 – $2,000, maybe a little less if they are lucky enough to get used books. But on a good note, the summer TV season is still in full swing.

I know I’m not the only person on the planet who is NOT watching Game of Thrones. I was turned off the first season by all of the gratuitous doggy style sex in every single episode. Really? Come on folks mix it up. I think that is an HBO thing. Seriously it gets annoying after a while (like after the first five or six times within an hour.) There were also a couple of other annoying things. I tried to read the first book and couldn’t get through it due to the writing style. It was well written, but I just couldn’t get into it. Hey, I have read a lot of fantasy, more than most, and a lot of difficult literature (which I loved) but I couldn’t get into Game of Thrones. Sort of like I can’t get into any Wally Lamb book (sort of like waiting in Hell, I mean on hold with any technical support department with any cable company, phone company, or eBay.) But if you like it then go for it. Have fun. As us Vampires say, “sink your teeth into it.” And there are dragons. Dragons are always exceptionally cool.

I also don’t watch Dr. Who. Never have. Never will. I will not discuss the subject. Period.

By the way, I have a funny bit. This morning my husband answered the phone at some early still-dark hour. He said, “Microsoft Technical Support,” and presto – the caller was gone. HA HA HA. I love that man.

So what stupid things have I been watching this summer? Not a lot. Mainly movies. Mainly small indie films. I’ll do another post for summer theater films (maybe) later. This is what I’ve watched and highly recommend that I’ve seen on cable.

Juliette’s Short List for Summer Movies You Can Watch On Your TV or Computer:

  • The Fundamentals of Caring
  • Shimmer Lake
  • I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore
  • Tangerine

Note: All of these are small Independent films. Good stuff. None of them will make you want to strangle me after you see them. Please see the ratings and descriptions before you watch them with kids. 

 

The Bachelorette

Late one night, while I was alone, I discovered The Bachelorette. I discovered Rachael. Who couldn’t love Rachael. She is a beautiful, lovely, charming, sweet woman from Texas.

I usually don’t get hooked into this stuff but I did. I watched it in secret without family or friends. I wouldn’t admit to anyone that I was following Rachael’s adventures. But I couldn’t stop watching it.

You know, if it was a guy picking out a girl from the usually room full of chicks in too high of heels and too tight dresses I wouldn’t have watched. But this was different. This was so different. I’m not going to even try to explain today. Maybe later. Not today (I have stuff to do and need to finish this post.)

She started out with about thirty guys who all wanted to marry her, or at least get the chance to find out if they wanted to marry her. Each week she’d give a rose to the guys she wanted to keep in the running. The guys all stayed together in a stable, I mean house. Some were nice. Several were real douches. Some spent their time back stabbing other guys. That got them nowhere. In the meantime Rachael went around the world having romantic adventures with the fellows and FINALLY picked the last THREE. Oh what a heart break and what a sweet ending.

She picked…one of my favorites…the right choice… Bryan. Woo Hoo. I wish them a long happy life together.

I hope it works out for them when reality sets in. You know the reality I’m talking about. How will they handle it when one of them gets sick our injured? How will she deal with his weird high school friend Kyle? What about their morning routines, holidays, decorating styles, views on how they’ll raise their kids, where they’ll raise their kids, morning coffee breath, what they watch on TV and a variety of weird things? Life after dating can get complicated – yes, that is what marriage is. Marriage is rewarding but it isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work, and it isn’t always romantic.

I still can’t believe I got sucked into this. Awww, must be the romantic in me. Hey, Peter, dude, you blew it.

America’s Got Talent

This is my flagship show. What I mean by that is that when I first started this blog back in 2012 I started blogging about this show every single week during the summer. All of us (me, family, friends) would gather around and watch. I publish comments from the peanut gallery – unfiltered and unapologetic. The honest truth. The show is good this year and now in the judges cuts for the top acts. I’ll be posting on it again… and YES WITH COCKTAILS. Do a search for previous blog posts on this show.

I have to add one note about this season’s “golden buzzer” choices. A small girl with a big voice sang a lovely song and received the “golden buzzer.” My daughter looked the girl up on Google and found that she’d been in talent shows all over Asia. No wonder she was so good on stage, so slick, and utterly fantastic in a practiced and staged way. Her parents have made her into an industry – starting with what they named her (after a famous singer.) Unlike many of the other children we’ve seen on the show I feel this child is exploited by her parents. There is nothing natural about her. This isn’t talent. This is force fed performance – like a trained dog or monkey. She is their cash cow – raised to be a cash cow. By the time she is 23 she’ll be washed up, but who cares – mom and dad can retire in comfort. It is too bad the guest judge who pressed the golden buzzer couldn’t have seen through the blatant exploitation of a small child.

Vampire Cocktails – two parts mixer, one part blood. Cheers. And never drink and drive.

Next Food TV Star

This season had a bunch of likable folks (except two who were just annoying.) In my opinion it was the best season ever. They are now down to the last three. All men. All fun. All guys you’d want to hug and have as neighbors. All great. My bets are on Jason, a wonderful guy from Tennessee with an accent that will melt your heart away. I could just eat him up. This man can cook and entertain. Let’s see what happens.

If you don’t want to win on this show do the following:

  1. Refer to yourself as “Mama” something.
  2. Talk non-stop about a distant country you identify with, that nobody has ever heard of, even though you are 5th generation American. Then rather than educating us, and sharing with us the wonders of your beautiful family culture, be so confusing about it that nobody knows what the crap you’re talking about.
  3. Be totally clueless in the kitchen.
  4. Show the other contestants how ignorant and helpless you are.
  5. Act surprised that you’re going to be on TV and have to talk about your food.
  6. Don’t know what a vanilla bean looks like.
  7. Make the other contestants want to cry when they are paired up with you.
  8. Don’t follow directions.
  9. Act like a Martha Stewart wannabe.
  10. Make some sort of shrimp and grits for every single challenge. Yes, we know you’re from the South, but I know damn well that folks from the South eat a lot more than grits.

Preacher

I love this show. I fucking love this show.

Life Below Zero

I’m hooked. Love Sue. Love the others too. But I wish they’d show more than just hunting and fishing. I’d like to see other aspects of their lives as well. We get a hint, but I’d like more. OK I admit, I watch for the foxes at Sue’s and the puppies with everyone else.

Forged in Steel

People make knives. No drama. They are craftsmen and women. They are awesome. Wow. Check it out.

Ink Master

Yes, we’re watching this weird and wonderful train wreck of a show. This year is a team effort (teams of two in competition against each other.) There is less drama and better ink than on previous shows. Thank you producers for raising the bar a little. And did I say better artists? Yes, they’re better than we’ve seen in years. Like most shows this is just something we watch together, talk about while we watch it, and don’t take too seriously. It is family time. Don’t like to watch it alone cause it just wouldn’t be fun. And Dave is still hot.

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first. Hey, look at the Vampire Maman tattoo (yes, he has a tattoo.) Is that me on his arm? Hell yeah!

 

So have a nice week everyone, and try to get outside too. Have fun – as only the summer can give you.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

AGT and bottled beer – It isn’t Penny Dreadful but we can watch it with the kids.

TV Reviews and My Own Bad Writing Because I’m Moving FAST Here Folks.

We had the usual peanut gallery of Vampires over to watch ATG Wednesday night. They’re still in the try out stage and it looks like a fun summer season is ahead of us with some really great talent. Below are a few of the acts and comments from the gallery.

Almost as fun as Penny Dreadful without the one big gratuitous sex scene and the one big fuckwood scene, excuse me Deadwood inspired scene where a multitude of f-bombs are dropped for no good reason except to make you say “What the Fuck?”

Penny Dreadful is wonderful and campy and silly. The husband can’t keep up with it. We lived throughout this the first time these stories were out – but there are so many characters and he never read much fantasy. My husband figures he is already a Vampire so why read about it much less watch TV about it. But I love it. I love Vanessa’s dresses. I love the Gothic feel. I love the creature. It is so much fun. Of course you gotta love Dorian Gray even with the random WTF moment when he was kissed by the American. Alright, I have to admit, I’d kiss either one of those guys, or at least bite their necks. Anyway… back to family entertainment.

The Revolutionary War program Turn turned sour for use early on. We had such high hopes but the historic inaccuracies, plot weakness and overall confusion and sheer boredom factors caused us to discontinue watching it.

Then there was Ripper Street. What happened there? It could have been really good but there again the characters were bogged down by silly writing and the show sort of vanished. Copper was fun too and pretty campy. It keeps my Irish friends laughing (not because it is accurate either.)

Nothing could have been worse than last season’s Dracula. That was so bad on so many levels.

Why on most historic television programs (I’m not talking about anything on PBS so don’t even comment on it) – why on most historic television programs, especially those taking place before 1920 are the women’s clothing and makeup so inaccurate?

In the early days of TV Miss Kitty and all of Little Joe’s girlfriends looked just like they’d come out of a 1960’s beauty salon complete with 1960’s bras. So many costume designers forget the importance of the silhouette. Things haven’t gotten much better.

So maybe that is why we like things like River Monsters and Life Below Zero and America’s Got Talent. Everybody loves big fish with giant teeth and a guy with a British accent. We all like rugged individuals living in Alaska. And we all like talent and variety. And we don’t have to worry about costumes or historic details.

Now what you’ve all been waiting for… Here is our rundown for America’s Got Talent for Wednesday, June 4, 2014.

We missed the beginning but came in just as two really good-looking young men were causing Howie to not be able to read. It was a fun sort of magic type trip.

Julie age 15. Amazing young singer. She was so cute and has such a lovely and mature voice. Go Julie. Comments from the peanut gallery were: Wow, sign her up now. All these skanks on the radio can’t hit a not at all and listen to this girl. Girlfriend’s good.

Tap Dancers – two cute guys in caps. These two guys (age 17 and 18) were exceptionally cute and could go a long way with some practice. Stay tuned.

Motorcycle stunt guys always make me want to go get another beer. I’m just not that into it. Let me see you jump over the Grand Canyon or over the Washington Monument or something.

There were jump ropers. Next please.

There were pogo stick jumpers. Now that was fun, but not a million dollar act.

And then there were the cutest 8 year old triplets I have every seen. Oh my goodness. Look them up on YouTube. One threw cards while the others assisted. I don’t care what these kids do; they got the prize for being the cutest things ever.

A young singer named Miguel was cute and could sing. We’ll see him back.

There was a pair of Salsa Dancers. That was two guys dancing together. They were good. One was from Sacramento. Go guys go!

Some chick did acrobatics while pretending to swim away from sharks on a screen background. She said it was her imagination going wild. OK. Good for you. That was nice but really annoying and a little too sweet for me. Sort of like a Starburst candy with 5 times the sugar.

Rather than cocktails we were drinking Blue Moon White Belgian-Style Wheat Ale. Mmmmmm. Good stuff. Yes, Vampires drink beer, but only cold beer and only good beer.

 

Have fun and don’t watch to much Tee Vee!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Cheers!