AGT with Vampires and Drinks and Amazing Things (Eclipse Edition)

Every summer since 2012 I’ve been blogging about the TV talent show America’s Got Talent (or AGT.) It started out as a cheap trick to get people to read my blog. It is still a cheap trick to get people to read my blog – especially since I add in booze.

I was up in Oregon earlier this week to see the TOTAL ECLIPSE so I did not see the show live, or at least not on the night it was aired. I didn’t get to vote. I didn’t even drink.

However, when I returned home yesterday I watched it with my husband Teddy and college student daughter Clara.

Here are our thoughts and the results.

Tyra Banks was wearing some sort of weird jumpsuit in a loud black and white print. She is a beautiful woman but this just made her look like a circus freak. But hey, whatever floats your boat or whatever.

Here are the acts:

Boy Dancers.

I don’t remember their name. We stopped watching the dancers and noticed how weird Mel B’s hair color was. It was a dusty gray, like dryer lint. Not a good look.

Celine Tam (singing child)

She is darling but her parents are exploiting her. She is so polished. Every single hand movement, facial expression, comment is studied and planned. She did sound like a child this week but the 90’s songs are getting old. Her parents take her to a lot of other big talent shows like this in other countries. She is their cash cow. That makes me sad because she is precious and super talented. I know we are jaded but I bet she has no friends, no sleep overs, no public school, no other activities. I hope I’m wrong. Teddy said she is really 47.

Scary Twins (Mirror Image)

Remember when you were in school and there were those annoying kids who were always “ON” 24/7. They were talented and wanted EVERYONE to know it. Well here they are as an act called Mirror Image. They are two boys who dance and sing in a way that only Donnie and Marie fans on Meth would appreciate. During their act we discussed how Simon’s shirts never fit him. He is a nice looking guy and rich. There is no reason for him to dress in ill fitting clothes. Heidi looked lovely.

Clara said with twins there is always a dominant twin. She said “I would like to think that I would have been the dominant twin.” Ain’t that the truth.

Johnny Manuel

Sweet kid. Good looking. But here are the notes from the peanut gallery…

He is awful. Why’d he pick this song? He is doing it slow cause he can’t sing. Doesn’t sound like he is singing that song. He’s not. No this isn’t even… he’s just doing the same notes over and over and over. The judges will love him.

And they did love him. The sweet kid made it through. I hope he can find a better song next time.

Dancing Robot Kid Merreck Hannah

Comments from the peanut gallery: He looks like that weird creep kid everybody has in class. You just want to tell him to sit down and shut up.

Nobody here was inspired.

The Masquerades

Three old guys who sing like angels. They sang together in the 60’s. They had a record deal at one time. They came back. They were darling.

Light Balance

Just another group of guys dressed up with lights. Ho hum. This kind of act has been overdone. Thank goodness nobody is doing one of those awful shadow acts this year.

Evie Claire

I love this young lady (age 13). She had tragedy in her life, but she brings joy and hope through her voice. She won’t win but she gets my vote. She is lovely.

Danger Guy – Escape Artist

Clara likes him. I don’t remember his name and it isn’t in my notes. I’m not a fan. His girlfriend sits on the sidelines and cries. It is all so fake.

Magic Guy Eric Jones

I like him well enough. He did illusions with cards and glass. Yep, stuff went right through glass. You can’t help but like this guy. His illusions are fun. But he is slow. We lost interest right away. Teddy mentioned if he could pull cards out of Howie’s ass that would be great, but then Clara reminded her dad that someone had already done that a few years ago.

Dogs – The Pompeyo Family

We love dog acts. This time it was cute. The dog danced to Katy Perry singing Roar. The dogs were dressed up like African animals. It was kind of a mess. Cute but a mess.

Mandy Harvey

This beautiful talented young woman could be our winner. Mandy Harvey was a talented young singer and song writer when at the age 18 she lost her hearing. Her father encouraged her to get back into her music. Now in her mid 20’s she is amazing. She still sings, writes her own music, and plays her own instruments. And she is GOOD. She is beautiful – her face, her voice, her personality. This is not a sympathy call because she is deaf. She is THAT GOOD. It was powerful.

So who won and is going on to the next show?

Mandy Harvey

Light Balance (we are tired of light shows and didn’t even watch them)

Johnny Manuel

Celiene Tam

Robot Boy

Evie Claire

Eric Jones

 

Now for the Cocktails.

We didn’t have any. I had some Rogue River Beer in the fridge but we skipped it tonight. We’ll have it tonight. I’ll let you know how it was.

So until next time… have fun.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

Summer TV Update (with Vampires, guilty pleasures, cooking, movies, AGT, and more)

Fall is just around the corner. I know that because I am painfully aware that books for the fall quarter for two college aged kids will run around $1,600 – $2,000, maybe a little less if they are lucky enough to get used books. But on a good note, the summer TV season is still in full swing.

I know I’m not the only person on the planet who is NOT watching Game of Thrones. I was turned off the first season by all of the gratuitous doggy style sex in every single episode. Really? Come on folks mix it up. I think that is an HBO thing. Seriously it gets annoying after a while (like after the first five or six times within an hour.) There were also a couple of other annoying things. I tried to read the first book and couldn’t get through it due to the writing style. It was well written, but I just couldn’t get into it. Hey, I have read a lot of fantasy, more than most, and a lot of difficult literature (which I loved) but I couldn’t get into Game of Thrones. Sort of like I can’t get into any Wally Lamb book (sort of like waiting in Hell, I mean on hold with any technical support department with any cable company, phone company, or eBay.) But if you like it then go for it. Have fun. As us Vampires say, “sink your teeth into it.” And there are dragons. Dragons are always exceptionally cool.

I also don’t watch Dr. Who. Never have. Never will. I will not discuss the subject. Period.

By the way, I have a funny bit. This morning my husband answered the phone at some early still-dark hour. He said, “Microsoft Technical Support,” and presto – the caller was gone. HA HA HA. I love that man.

So what stupid things have I been watching this summer? Not a lot. Mainly movies. Mainly small indie films. I’ll do another post for summer theater films (maybe) later. This is what I’ve watched and highly recommend that I’ve seen on cable.

Juliette’s Short List for Summer Movies You Can Watch On Your TV or Computer:

  • The Fundamentals of Caring
  • Shimmer Lake
  • I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore
  • Tangerine

Note: All of these are small Independent films. Good stuff. None of them will make you want to strangle me after you see them. Please see the ratings and descriptions before you watch them with kids. 

 

The Bachelorette

Late one night, while I was alone, I discovered The Bachelorette. I discovered Rachael. Who couldn’t love Rachael. She is a beautiful, lovely, charming, sweet woman from Texas.

I usually don’t get hooked into this stuff but I did. I watched it in secret without family or friends. I wouldn’t admit to anyone that I was following Rachael’s adventures. But I couldn’t stop watching it.

You know, if it was a guy picking out a girl from the usually room full of chicks in too high of heels and too tight dresses I wouldn’t have watched. But this was different. This was so different. I’m not going to even try to explain today. Maybe later. Not today (I have stuff to do and need to finish this post.)

She started out with about thirty guys who all wanted to marry her, or at least get the chance to find out if they wanted to marry her. Each week she’d give a rose to the guys she wanted to keep in the running. The guys all stayed together in a stable, I mean house. Some were nice. Several were real douches. Some spent their time back stabbing other guys. That got them nowhere. In the meantime Rachael went around the world having romantic adventures with the fellows and FINALLY picked the last THREE. Oh what a heart break and what a sweet ending.

She picked…one of my favorites…the right choice… Bryan. Woo Hoo. I wish them a long happy life together.

I hope it works out for them when reality sets in. You know the reality I’m talking about. How will they handle it when one of them gets sick our injured? How will she deal with his weird high school friend Kyle? What about their morning routines, holidays, decorating styles, views on how they’ll raise their kids, where they’ll raise their kids, morning coffee breath, what they watch on TV and a variety of weird things? Life after dating can get complicated – yes, that is what marriage is. Marriage is rewarding but it isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work, and it isn’t always romantic.

I still can’t believe I got sucked into this. Awww, must be the romantic in me. Hey, Peter, dude, you blew it.

America’s Got Talent

This is my flagship show. What I mean by that is that when I first started this blog back in 2012 I started blogging about this show every single week during the summer. All of us (me, family, friends) would gather around and watch. I publish comments from the peanut gallery – unfiltered and unapologetic. The honest truth. The show is good this year and now in the judges cuts for the top acts. I’ll be posting on it again… and YES WITH COCKTAILS. Do a search for previous blog posts on this show.

I have to add one note about this season’s “golden buzzer” choices. A small girl with a big voice sang a lovely song and received the “golden buzzer.” My daughter looked the girl up on Google and found that she’d been in talent shows all over Asia. No wonder she was so good on stage, so slick, and utterly fantastic in a practiced and staged way. Her parents have made her into an industry – starting with what they named her (after a famous singer.) Unlike many of the other children we’ve seen on the show I feel this child is exploited by her parents. There is nothing natural about her. This isn’t talent. This is force fed performance – like a trained dog or monkey. She is their cash cow – raised to be a cash cow. By the time she is 23 she’ll be washed up, but who cares – mom and dad can retire in comfort. It is too bad the guest judge who pressed the golden buzzer couldn’t have seen through the blatant exploitation of a small child.

Vampire Cocktails – two parts mixer, one part blood. Cheers. And never drink and drive.

Next Food TV Star

This season had a bunch of likable folks (except two who were just annoying.) In my opinion it was the best season ever. They are now down to the last three. All men. All fun. All guys you’d want to hug and have as neighbors. All great. My bets are on Jason, a wonderful guy from Tennessee with an accent that will melt your heart away. I could just eat him up. This man can cook and entertain. Let’s see what happens.

If you don’t want to win on this show do the following:

  1. Refer to yourself as “Mama” something.
  2. Talk non-stop about a distant country you identify with, that nobody has ever heard of, even though you are 5th generation American. Then rather than educating us, and sharing with us the wonders of your beautiful family culture, be so confusing about it that nobody knows what the crap you’re talking about.
  3. Be totally clueless in the kitchen.
  4. Show the other contestants how ignorant and helpless you are.
  5. Act surprised that you’re going to be on TV and have to talk about your food.
  6. Don’t know what a vanilla bean looks like.
  7. Make the other contestants want to cry when they are paired up with you.
  8. Don’t follow directions.
  9. Act like a Martha Stewart wannabe.
  10. Make some sort of shrimp and grits for every single challenge. Yes, we know you’re from the South, but I know damn well that folks from the South eat a lot more than grits.

Preacher

I love this show. I fucking love this show.

Life Below Zero

I’m hooked. Love Sue. Love the others too. But I wish they’d show more than just hunting and fishing. I’d like to see other aspects of their lives as well. We get a hint, but I’d like more. OK I admit, I watch for the foxes at Sue’s and the puppies with everyone else.

Forged in Steel

People make knives. No drama. They are craftsmen and women. They are awesome. Wow. Check it out.

Ink Master

Yes, we’re watching this weird and wonderful train wreck of a show. This year is a team effort (teams of two in competition against each other.) There is less drama and better ink than on previous shows. Thank you producers for raising the bar a little. And did I say better artists? Yes, they’re better than we’ve seen in years. Like most shows this is just something we watch together, talk about while we watch it, and don’t take too seriously. It is family time. Don’t like to watch it alone cause it just wouldn’t be fun. And Dave is still hot.

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first. Hey, look at the Vampire Maman tattoo (yes, he has a tattoo.) Is that me on his arm? Hell yeah!

 

So have a nice week everyone, and try to get outside too. Have fun – as only the summer can give you.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Vampire Diary: White Wedding

Dear Diary,

Men still seek out monsters. They look for beings from other planets. They seek fish. They look for murderers. Men dress like women and look like women. Then they remove their clothing and walk naked and afraid. Why are they afraid?

Maybe they want to be like the men and women who solve crimes then make love and rip each other’s clothing, then smoke and ponder the meaning of life, then go back to their guns.

I find myself mesmerized by the women in wedding dresses. I was saying yes to the dress.

I was cheering for men called Giants throwing balls as fast as rockets. Then there were tiny people with tiny little children. Teeny tiny little children who didn’t perform for anyone. Just were playing like any children, just smaller. People spoke of war and economic disaster and weather, but I kept going back to   the two men who helped bring a love lorn woman to a man she’d never met. I thought it was going to be about fish. The man turned out to be somebody else. The woman was angry. They talked. I would have had him killed, but that is just me. I went back to the wedding dresses, then to uneducated people catching alligators, then to ghost hunters and someone praying. I wonder why they pray. Maybe they’re looking for mates or the perfect dress or fish. Or maybe they want a rusty old gas station signs. Maybe they want to find a murderer. They are all looking for drugs. They are all looking for love. They are not all naked but they all seem to be afraid.

I stopped to see a beautiful woman tattoo beautiful images over bad tattoos. Two men, her friends, did the same. They were not interested in fish or alligators or storing units. They were artists. I could not find any other artists.

There was something called The Notebook. I’ve heard women talking about it. I watched part of it but did not understand. I went back to the wedding dresses. I said yes again.

This thing they call cable and TV is insane. I was never interested before. Now, I must turn the machine off and drape a cloth over the large screen on my wall.

~ Vlad

_________________________

Dear Diary,

Last night as I was sinking my fangs into the neck of a beautiful woman my thoughts were not on blood. My hand went down her hot bare body and I wondered would she look better in a ball gown style dress or a mermaid style.

~ Vlad

_______________________

Dear Diary,

My cat is sitting next to me surrounded by her kittens. They sleep together, a ball of vibrating fur.

A man who looks like he has a hairball on his head is on the television screen. He wants to be president. He has offended everyone. My friend Gillian told me about two others called Deez Nuts and Limberbutt McCubbins. I think I will vote for them.

~ Vlad

____________________

Dear Diary,

Last night I walked along the street and stopped in front of the window of a tattoo artist. I went inside.

I told the man I wanted a woman in a white dress on my arm. He suggested a pin-up style and drew a picture. She was beautiful.

He asked about my cold skin. I told him not to worry about it.

Four hours later I left with a white gowned bride on my arm. Her beauty would stay with me, only for a while. By sunrise she was gone. My skin rejects the ink, but I will always have the memory of my bride.

I thought of a wedding, my wedding, many centuries ago. She wore blood red silk. Her dark curls hung down her back. Her eyes only on me. Her image is tattooed in my memories. The feel of her touch is always on my skin.

Where is she now?

~ Vlad

_____________________

Dear Diary,

I have found homes for all of the kittens. I will keep the white and tabby one. I have no name for him yet.

My lover Gillian said I need to get them fixed. I told her there was nothing wrong with them. She rolled her eyes and said fixed means fixing them so they won’t reproduce anymore. She said it was the right thing to do.

Gillian doesn’t know that I imagine her in a strapless white ball gown with full skirts and beading. Despite the fact that Gillian, like me, is a Vampire I often imagine her with warm skin and hot blood as I carry her to my bed.

Unlike hot blooded women Gillian never asks me what I’m thinking or how I feel. She wouldn’t make a very good reality TV show. I don’t understand exactly why I think that, but it doesn’t matter.

~ Vlad

victorian vampire girl

______________________

For more Vampire Diary Installments click on the links below:

Vampire Diary

Vampire Diary: Intervention

Vampire Diary: Game Day

Vampire Diary: Feeling Alive

Vampire Diary: Blood Red

Vampire Diary: Embroiled in a Dream (and still cute)

Vampire Diary: Something I do understand

Vampire Diary: Modern Worlds

Rude, Crude and Socially Unacceptable – Old Fashioned Family Fun

Good news, I’m taking my kids to see the band All Time Low tomorrow night. Am I the cool mom or what. It will be a lot of fun and I’ll write a full review and maybe even post photos live from the show. And in May we’re going to see (for the second time) Twenty One Pilots.

In the meantime….

Rude, Crude and Socially Unacceptable – Old Fashioned Family Fun

For all I write on parenting…and this is a parenting blog (or at least it used to be)…

Some people might think my husband and I are bad examples for our kids after they read this. You may stop now if you want. There are a lot of other great posts on this blog that will make you smile and are in good taste. There are even Vampire posts and some great short stories… Check it out. Or go on reading this… I guess.

We’ve been talking about “Not Quite Reality TV.”

On Tuesdays we all curl up on the couch together and watch Ink Masters. Someone commented on that yesterday. Hey, it teaches art appreciation, how to be a good or bad competitor, grace under fire and the importance of learning your craft no matter what you do. Plus Dave Navarro is smoking hot. Chris Nunez is super smart and we’ve learned a lot from him about tattoo standards. And Oliver Peck is darling. Chris and Oliver are amazing artists as well – two of the best. And it is just an old fashioned freak show. We’re waiting for the next show when Kyle goes off on Chris. Smack the crap out of him Chris! Stop being a whoosie ass baby Kyle! Find your man card and grow a pair.

My daughter is addicted to Bar Rescue. I have no words or explanation on that one.

Antiques Roadshow is ok because my husband is in the business, we’ve been to Antiques Roadshow AND it is on PBS (and he knows a lot of the dealers).

My son tells everyone he never watches television but I know he watches Sherlock on Netflix and Skins (which is not about weasel trappers.)

When the kids both turn 18 they want to be on The Amazing Race. I think they’d win, or at least be the most entertaining people ever on the show. Even more amazing is the fact that they don’t even watch the show.

Tonight we discussed game shows and new shows in general we might produce.

Wheel of Torture. If you don’t get any of the words right you get the thumb screws, whacked with a cattle prod, bitten by dogs…or forced to watch reruns of Jersey Shore.

Are You The One – Family Style. 10 girls and 10 guys get together to find their perfect match. The hitch is that two of them are brother and sister but none of them know WHO is related. Yes, that is super sick, but it keeps them all out of the BOOM BOOM room. Yes, this was really bad but I won’t even start to tell you some of the really bad shows we came up with.

Werewolves on Ice. Ice skating show featuring Werewolves. Think about it. THAT wold be funny (at the expense of our furry friends.)

Junk Yard Wars – Naked Edition. A team of girls try to guess, you guessed it, what guy that junk belongs to.

Than again most of the stuff on Cable TV is pretty scary and weird and in really really really bad taste. We couldn’t make it up.

My Strange Addiction features people who want to be living dolls, people who eat eye makeup, eat beds, get humongous boobs, eat other people’s toe nails, collect rat skulls… the list goes on. It is the most disgusting thing on TV.

There is even a show about women who don’t know they’re pregnant. Excuse me? If you’re pregnant you know it.

Then there are all of the Southern Hillbilly shows. Swamp people, Swamp Girls, Fish Giggers, Pregnant and Stupid, Pregnant and Knocked Up, Pregnant and Stinky, Deadly Dogs, Pawn Punks and Duck Danglers… it goes on and on and on. I know a lot of Southerners but none of them are like these yahoos. And don’t forget Honey Boo Boo. My brain is going to rot out of my head even knowing that these things exist.

Forget Horror Movies, just turn on your TV.

I know this has been a stupid post but…

Oh come on, I wish I’d recorded our conversation because it was really really funny. We laughed so hard. Maybe next time.

And it all goes to show that a family that laughs together and does stupid silly things together stays together. If you have kids enjoy them. Laugh with them. And when they ask you to lighten up – do it. And you know, you can teach your kids the difference between good taste and bad taste – and have fun doing it.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm...you'll have to check out his entire body first.

If this Vampire wants to tattoo your image on his arm…you’ll have to check out his entire body first.

Vampire Maman (look I drew something, a tattoo, now leave me alone)

Vampire Maman (look I drew something, a tattoo, now leave me alone)