AGT with Vampires and Drinks and Amazing Things (Eclipse Edition)

Every summer since 2012 I’ve been blogging about the TV talent show America’s Got Talent (or AGT.) It started out as a cheap trick to get people to read my blog. It is still a cheap trick to get people to read my blog – especially since I add in booze.

I was up in Oregon earlier this week to see the TOTAL ECLIPSE so I did not see the show live, or at least not on the night it was aired. I didn’t get to vote. I didn’t even drink.

However, when I returned home yesterday I watched it with my husband Teddy and college student daughter Clara.

Here are our thoughts and the results.

Tyra Banks was wearing some sort of weird jumpsuit in a loud black and white print. She is a beautiful woman but this just made her look like a circus freak. But hey, whatever floats your boat or whatever.

Here are the acts:

Boy Dancers.

I don’t remember their name. We stopped watching the dancers and noticed how weird Mel B’s hair color was. It was a dusty gray, like dryer lint. Not a good look.

Celine Tam (singing child)

She is darling but her parents are exploiting her. She is so polished. Every single hand movement, facial expression, comment is studied and planned. She did sound like a child this week but the 90’s songs are getting old. Her parents take her to a lot of other big talent shows like this in other countries. She is their cash cow. That makes me sad because she is precious and super talented. I know we are jaded but I bet she has no friends, no sleep overs, no public school, no other activities. I hope I’m wrong. Teddy said she is really 47.

Scary Twins (Mirror Image)

Remember when you were in school and there were those annoying kids who were always “ON” 24/7. They were talented and wanted EVERYONE to know it. Well here they are as an act called Mirror Image. They are two boys who dance and sing in a way that only Donnie and Marie fans on Meth would appreciate. During their act we discussed how Simon’s shirts never fit him. He is a nice looking guy and rich. There is no reason for him to dress in ill fitting clothes. Heidi looked lovely.

Clara said with twins there is always a dominant twin. She said “I would like to think that I would have been the dominant twin.” Ain’t that the truth.

Johnny Manuel

Sweet kid. Good looking. But here are the notes from the peanut gallery…

He is awful. Why’d he pick this song? He is doing it slow cause he can’t sing. Doesn’t sound like he is singing that song. He’s not. No this isn’t even… he’s just doing the same notes over and over and over. The judges will love him.

And they did love him. The sweet kid made it through. I hope he can find a better song next time.

Dancing Robot Kid Merreck Hannah

Comments from the peanut gallery: He looks like that weird creep kid everybody has in class. You just want to tell him to sit down and shut up.

Nobody here was inspired.

The Masquerades

Three old guys who sing like angels. They sang together in the 60’s. They had a record deal at one time. They came back. They were darling.

Light Balance

Just another group of guys dressed up with lights. Ho hum. This kind of act has been overdone. Thank goodness nobody is doing one of those awful shadow acts this year.

Evie Claire

I love this young lady (age 13). She had tragedy in her life, but she brings joy and hope through her voice. She won’t win but she gets my vote. She is lovely.

Danger Guy – Escape Artist

Clara likes him. I don’t remember his name and it isn’t in my notes. I’m not a fan. His girlfriend sits on the sidelines and cries. It is all so fake.

Magic Guy Eric Jones

I like him well enough. He did illusions with cards and glass. Yep, stuff went right through glass. You can’t help but like this guy. His illusions are fun. But he is slow. We lost interest right away. Teddy mentioned if he could pull cards out of Howie’s ass that would be great, but then Clara reminded her dad that someone had already done that a few years ago.

Dogs – The Pompeyo Family

We love dog acts. This time it was cute. The dog danced to Katy Perry singing Roar. The dogs were dressed up like African animals. It was kind of a mess. Cute but a mess.

Mandy Harvey

This beautiful talented young woman could be our winner. Mandy Harvey was a talented young singer and song writer when at the age 18 she lost her hearing. Her father encouraged her to get back into her music. Now in her mid 20’s she is amazing. She still sings, writes her own music, and plays her own instruments. And she is GOOD. She is beautiful – her face, her voice, her personality. This is not a sympathy call because she is deaf. She is THAT GOOD. It was powerful.

So who won and is going on to the next show?

Mandy Harvey

Light Balance (we are tired of light shows and didn’t even watch them)

Johnny Manuel

Celiene Tam

Robot Boy

Evie Claire

Eric Jones

 

Now for the Cocktails.

We didn’t have any. I had some Rogue River Beer in the fridge but we skipped it tonight. We’ll have it tonight. I’ll let you know how it was.

So until next time… have fun.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

AGT and Cocktails – The 2017 Voting Starts (and Vampires)

(Peviously recorded – the winners of this round are listed after all act descriptions.)

In the summer of 2017 I started posting about AGT, sharing the comments of the peanut gallery of friends and family, and telling you what cocktails Teddy was making for the night.

Last night was the first night of votes for the 2017 season. Tonight we’ll find out what the first batch of talented folks going in for the finals will be.

So here is a run down of who performed, and what was said. This gets pretty brutal. Vampires are not an easy crowd.

Christian Guardino 

This kid is only 17 and I gotta admit has a huge voice. Last night my family was not part of his fan base. The peanut gallery gave the following comments:

He’s not that good.

Like Catsup and Ice Cream, but the judges will rave about him.

The judges did rave about him but I don’t think he is that great.

Yes, the judges ate him up.

Our vote: NO

Artion and Page (Dancers)

This eight and ten year old pair is so full of energy and sooooo cute. I have no idea why I like them. I usually don’t like kid dancers. Maybe that was after years of a certain dance school exploiting and sexualizing their hoochie dancing baby salsa stars. Ugh. BUT this isn’t the case this year. These kids are absolutely genuine and precious. They are just funny. Their facial expressions are hilarious and joyful and real. And these kids can move – but they move like kids. They just fun. Puppy and kitten cute. By the way, they danced to Footloose.

Our vote: Yes (except Teddy who doesn’t like any of the dancers)

In the Stairwell

This group is made up of a group of fine young men who attend the United States Air Force Academy. They are all great singers, good looking, and just darned cute (suck it up Vlad, you’re not the only one.) I love them. One Tuesday they sang the Fun song “Some Nights. Even Simon stood up to cheery. They are fine indeed.

Our Vote: YES YES YES

Singing Trump

This is a guy who is in his 50’s, obviously a professional performer, and entertaining. Unfortunately he was off on Tuesday, with a bad choice of songs. He did “Shut Up and Dance,” which was weird and confusing done by “Trump.” Then he switched to M.C. Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This.” A sad fail indeed. Yes, the man will never get my vote.

Comments from the peanut gallery: He’s not fat enough to be trump. Whoever he is the man is a professional. Tremendous, greatly, and very very bad tonight.

Our Vote: No

Angelica Hale

A nine year old girl with big pipes. We like her. She is cute with a mature sounding voice. She can really sing.

Our Vote: Yes

Bello Nock

This guy is a classic circus clown in the old time Barnum and Bailey tradition. He does dare devil stuff. He is good at what he does. He makes it look fun. Alas, he didn’t grab any of us enough to get our vote.

Our Vote: No

Just Jerk

When I saw the name I thought of Jamaican cooking. No such luck.

This is yet another group of teenage boys (with a couple of token girls) who dance as good as an average high school drill team. Ho hum. Boring music. Boring Dancing. I don’t know why they were even chosen in the first place. This is where the formula aspect of the show comes in – they need people in every group (singers, dancers, teens, adults, kids, dare devils, etc.)

Our Vote: NO

Puddles Pity Party

This guy is a talented mature singer dressed like a sad turn of the 20th century clown. 

Comments from the peanut gallery:

Fast forward. NOW.

Simon should come out and beat him to death.

This is bull shit.

The song is horrible enough and even worse when he sings it.

Simon gave him an X.

Our Vote: No

Preacher Lawson

Comedian

We love this guy. OMG he is funny. He is a shooting star. Love love love! Look him up on YouTube. Preacher Lawson.

Our Vote: YES

 

Yoli Mayor

No good comments from the peanut gallery EXCEPT that she looked great and had a wonderful dress on that was super flattering. It was a bad song to start with and she can’t even sing it. I don’t know why the judges (Simon) are so intrigued by her. She is a lovely young woman, but not the million dollar act.

Our Vote: No

 

Trashy Roller Skaters

We’re a skating family. My daughter is a US National Roller Sports Champion. We DO NOT like this act. This brother and sister pair CAN skate. They have expensive boots and plates. They know what they are doing, BUT they are so trashy. She dresses slutty. He usually has his shirt off. They were spinning around and his head is right in his sister’s whoo haw.

Comments from the peanut gallery: All they do is spend. People are doing this in Vegas (naked.) All they do is spin. All they do is spin. All they do is spin. This would be a good 90 second opening for another act. If she wasn’t hot it wouldn’t work.

Our Vote: No

 

Darcy Lynne

This young ventriloquist could win it all. I can’t even describe how good she is (so here is a video.)

She is amazing. She sings better than 99% of the singers. She keeps in character with her characters. She has amazing stage presence. She’s a winner.

Our Vote: YES YES YES YES YES YES

And the acts that went through to the finals are:

In the Stairwell

Darcy Lynne

Angelica Hale

Preacher Lawson

Trashy Roller Skaters

And two acts saved with some Dunkin Donuts weird vote thing were:

Yoli Mayor

Christian Guardino

 

While we’re all watching this silly show my husband Teddy is making cocktails.

Forget the fruit and the fluff.

We’re going for the hard stuff.

 

That’s No Bull Shot

  • 2 ounces vodka
  • 2 oz blood
  • 1/4 fresh squeezed lemon juice
  • 1/2-cup of cold beef concentrate
  • 2-6 dashes of Tabasco or other hot sauce to taste
  • A dash of ground pepper
  • A dash of cayenne pepper
  • A dash of kosher salt

Instructions:

Shake all ingredients in a shaker with liberal amounts of ice. Garnish with a slice of lemon.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

vm_eve

 

Bloody Bovine

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 4 oz of V8 or Trader Joe’s Vegetable Cocktail Juice
  • 4 oz chilled beef concentrate
  • 4 oz blood
  • 1 tsp of peeled and finely grated fresh horseradish (If you don’t have fresh use the kind in the jar. Don’t use the cream horse radish sauce because it will be disgusting.)
  • A pinch celery salt
  • 2 dashes of Worcestershire sauce
  • 3 dashes of Tabasco Sauce or more to taste
  • A liberal sprinkle of ground pepper
  • 1/4 oz fresh lemon juice (just squeeze in a few wedges)
  • And a big green olive or two. Try a blue cheese stuffed one.

Instructions:

Combine everything over ice in a big glass (or two if you want to share). Stir. Ganish with a long piece of fresh red bell pepper.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

Now Let’s Talk BACON

vm bacon cocktail

It’s all about the bacon. And the news is good.

You can now have your bacon and drink it too.

 

How to make Bacon Washed Booze.

 

You can add bacon flavor to vodka, whiskey or broubon. And it is easy. AND best of all you’ll get to eat the bacon.

This is fantastic in a Bloody Ceasar or Bloody Mary.

 

Bacon Washed Booze

Ingredients:

  • 1 pound good quality bacon
  • 26 ounces vodka, whiskey or bourbon (some people like to use rum too. I say go for it.)
  • 2 quart Mason jars
  • Fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth and funnel
  1. Fry up your bacon on low heat until nicely crisp but not charred. You don’t want to burn it. Pour fat from the pan into a heat-safe bowl (like a Pyrex bowl).
  2. Remove bacon strips and put them on a plate that’s covered with a paper towel. Let stand for five minutes.
  3. Pour alcohol of your choice into a large mason jar.
  4. When the bacon has cooled slightly, add strips into the Mason jar with the alcohol. Pour bacon fat into the jar as well. Let jar stand at room temperature for four hours and stir mixture every hour. Remove the bacon strips (but not the fat)
  5. Put the jar into the freezer overnight. The fat will solidify and rise to the top, scrape as much fat out of the jar as possible.
  6. Using a fine-mesh strainer pour vodka from one jar to a new empty mason jar. The strainer should catch lots of bacon fat and other stuff.
  7. Wash the original jar used and train the bacon infused alcohol one more time into the now clean and empty Mason jar. Enjoy.

 

vm_rick

Make a dry Bacon Martini and garnish with a strip of bacon. Or try a Smokey Vampire. Yum.

 The Smokey Vampire

  • 2 oz. Bacon Infused Bourbon (or Whiskey)
  • 1/4 oz. maple syrup
  • 2 dashes Angostura bitters
  • Orange juice (just a bit)
  • Blood (just a bit)

In mixing glass, stir 2 ounces bacon-infused bourbon, maple syrup, and bitters with ice. Strain into chilled rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish with bacon and if you want add a splash of orange juice and blood.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

Have fun and we’ll see you next week for more ATG and Cocktails (and Vampires.)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman