Vlad’s Vampire Diary: Fall

Dear Diary,

Autumn is attempting to come to this hot dry place in which I live. A few trees have started to show off their golden and red leaves. The other leaves just fall because they are dead. Now I must rake them into a pile and put them in what is called a green waste can even if they are brown. My neighbors use machines called leaf blowers. I have one of those as well. I turn mine on when I leave home and put it on my back deck so that I will not have intruders.

As a Vampire I should not be concerned with the colors of the day but one can not live only in the dark. One must be on watch all hours of the day. No Vampire who lives more than the natural life span of a man sleeps soundly or deeply.

Even in the colder of weather, even if it rained, even if a glacier rumbled slowly down the street which I live on, men here would wear short pants and show off their hairy legs.

I have asked women if they find these shorts appealing. I am answered with odd stares and rolled eyes. I will assume that they are saying no. Still I do not understand. Why would a man wear a shirt, a sweatshirt, a jacket, a hat, wool socks, hiking boots, and short pants? Are red hairy knees thought to be attractive? I think not. Even though my legs are perfect I will not wear short pants when the weather turns cold.

I asked my Vampire lover Gillian about this. She told me that not everything is tied to one’s vanity. I have no idea what she meant by that. I have learned that it is better not to ask.

That is the world in which I, once the King of Vampires, exists.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

Gillian said I should stop talking about shorts.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

After being locked in a crypt for three hundred years I find myself behind on cultural traditions of the Twenty First Century.

Today if the first day of the harvest season.

When I was King of the Vampires, and lived in a great castle on a hill surrounded by forest and farmland, there were great celebrations on this first day of the season.

As King of Vampires it was my job to make sure that all, not just Vampires were happy. After all I was proud that my kingdom was the Farm-to-Fang Capitol of the world.

Mind you, some Vampire Lords would exploit their populations with displays of spewing blood and tearing of flesh. I found that distasteful. Rather I found if my population was happy then I would be well fed and happy. It is common sense. Unfortunately, as it is also today, many leaders do not have common sense.

Each year a grand harvest festival would take place. During the day parades with men made of straw, wagons full of grain and root crops, and children dressed up with tall pointed hats the color of the gold and amber leaves. Even the Witches would come out to bless the harvest and keep the evil spirits away. Being the benevolent King that I was, I would allow all, including Witches and even Werewolves to show themselves at this time. Every door would have a wreath made of ribbons and wheat. Red ribbons meant that Vampires were welcome to come and partake of blood.

Warm blooded would curl their beards in wild patterns and attempt to outdo each other. Most Vampires had no beards, so they would curl their hair. I did not curl my golden locks, rather I would remain as I always was, a stunning example of male beauty and power.

The parties and feasts would last for days. At my castle we would have fresh blood, and watch as the men of straw were burned in great bonfires. There would be no executions at this time, only the burning of straw and wood.

Today I made a wreath out of wheat and ribbons. Since I no longer am king, and I no longer have farmland, I had to obtain my wreath materials from a craft store.

I discovered that a craft store is the domain of females. The other shoppers and store clerks watched in as I looked for supplies. I could hear them whispering and skittling around the isles of the store to get a look at me.

“He is so cute,” I’d hear them say, thinking I could not hear. I am a Vampire so I hear nearly everything. I do not know what they mean by cute. Kittens and puppies are cute. Hamsters are cute. I do not look like a hamster. Some they thought I was hot. I wondered if I looked as if I was ill. I had no fever.

I left with a glue gun, 100 sticks of glue, five wreath forms, wheat stalks, ribbon in black, orange, yellow, gold, red, and green. I also had an unpainted nutcracker, fabric for a scare crow face, a straw hat, buttons, 30 colors of acrylic paint, paint brushes, fabric paint, glitter, a book on how to knit, knitting needles, black wool yarn, fuzzy red yarn, a sketch pad, twenty quills and ink, a measuring tape, a pack of needles, five colors of thread, a bag of plastic dinosaurs, a bag of sea shells, calligraphy pens, and a six foot tall plastic skeleton. I will go back before Halloween for more items.

At home I made a grand wreath of ribbons and wheat. I hung it on my front door. Then I made a man of straw and put him in my yard underneath an oak tree.

Two of my female neighbors walked by. They said the man of straw was cute. Then they said I was cute for making the man of straw. I do not understand. How can the man of straw be cute when I am cute. I do not understand this word cute.

I was not wearing short pants, but jeans. I was wearing what is commonly called a tee shirt. It was black and stretched over my body like a second skin.

As the women walked on one mentioned my six pack. I do not recall having beer in my front yard for them to see. Another said I must work out a lot. Sometimes I do work outside but not often because I am a Vampire and I do not like the bright sun.

My two cats rolled in the morning sun making meowing noises for me to rub their bellies. I rubbed their bellies. I like the cats. They understand me for they are also hunters. I sometimes understand cats, in a world in which I seem to understand so little.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

My love Vampire love Gillian said to me, “Do people who sell their souls become demons who come back centuries later and become politicians? Asking for a friend.”

“Who is this friend?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes as she often does.

“Tell your friend that I believe the answer is yes,” I told her.

Then she kissed me and started to unbutton my shirt. “I’m going to enjoy that six pack you told me about yesterday.”

“I did not know you like beer,” I said.

Then she laughed. I was confused. Then she kissed me again. That is something I always understand.

~ Vlad

Kissed by a Vampire

Kissed by a Vampire

 

 

 

This has been the 52nd installment of Vlad’s Vampire Diary. To read from the beginning CLICK HERE.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

Juliette’s Monday Book Club: Cute and Confused

Kissed by a Vampire

Kissed by a Vampire

Today I’m featuring a serial blog book: Vlad’s Vampire Diary. It is free. It is right here. It is fun. A lot of fun.

Vlad’s Vampire Diary

After being trapped in a crypt for three hundred years, Vlad the fierce and powerful Vampire King is now learning how to live in the modern world, and learn the true meaning of the word “cute.”

Keep checking back for more installments. Click on the links below for read the entire riveting story. And yes, put down your coffee or you’ll spit on the screen.

Vampire Diary

#1. Vampire Diary: The Beginning

#2. Vampire Diary: Intervention

#3. Vampire Diary: Game Day

#4. Vampire Diary: Feeling Alive

#5. Vampire Diary: Blood Red

#6. Vampire Diary: Embroiled in a Dream (and still cute)

#7. Vampire Diary: Something I do Understand

#8. Vampire Diary: Modern Worlds

#9. Vampire Diary: White Wedding

#10. Vampire Diary: Under the Beautiful Skye

#11. Vampire Diary: Connections

#12. Vampire Diary: The Black Sock Mystery

#13. Vampire Diary: Sharp Dressed Man

#14. Vampire Diary: Resolutions

#15. Vampire Diary: Man in the Red Suit

#16. Vampire Diary: Politics As Usual

#17. Vampire Diary: The Twilight Zone of Love

#18. Vampire Diary: Old Dogs, New Tricks, and Politics

#19. Vampire Diary: Eat Me Up

#20. Vampire Diary: In My Youth

#21. Vampire Diary: Modern Technology

#22. Vampire Diary: Dye Vampire Dye

#23. Vampire Diary: Music to My Ears

#24. Vampire Diary: Two Lips in the Middle of the Night

#25. Vampire Diary: Fangs Giving

#26. Vampire Diary: Drive Me Nuts

#27. Vampire Diary: It will be fun

#28. Vampire Diary: Shelf Critter Theater (Winner of the 2017 Evil Squirrel’s Nest Contest of Whatever)

#29. Vampire Diary: Music To My Ears (Broken Record Edition)

#30. Vampire Diary: Hot Mess

#31. Vampire Diary: Hot and Cold

#32. Vampire Diary: Love Letters

#33. Vampire Diary: Power and Tools

#34. Vampire Diary: Fortunes and Cookies

#35. Vampire Diary: Protecting the Cuteness

#36. Vampire Diary: Frankenstein

#37. Vampire Diary: Modern Knowledge

#38. Vampire Diary: Queer Eye for the Vampire Guy

#39: Vampire Diary: Bodice Ripping Fight Night

#40: Vampire Diary: You Can’t Go Home Again

#41: Vampire Diary: Whispering

#42: Vampire Diary: My Undead Life

#43: Vampire Diary: Jingle Bells

#44: Vampire Diary: Modern Problems

#45: A Squirrel Walked into a Bar

#46: Vampire Diary: Culture

#47: Vampire Diary: April’s Fool

#48: Vampire Diary: Mysteries

#48: Vampire Diary: Once Bitten, Twice Shy

#49: Vampire Diary: Man of Steel

#50: Vampire Diary: Stories Old and New

#51: Vampire Diary: Cats, Confusion, and Chainsaws

#52: Vampire Diary: Fall

Summer School Daze

My almost 19-year-old daughter Clara is taking a college English Class this summer. They’re reading and writing about poetry and literature. The exact name of the class isn’t important.

Clara: I can’t believe some of the other students.

Me: What happened.

Clara: Some girl bragged about being an English Major, then she said she hated to read. She actually said she hated to read. She just wants to write. She just gushes about how she loves to write. But she hates to read.

Me: But how can she be a good writer if she doesn’t read?

Clara: She LOVES to write. I bet she writes awful fan fiction. She’s that type.

Me:

Clara: shrugs shoulders

Me:

Clara: I feel sorry for the teacher.

Me: Wow. You have to wonder.

Clara: I know.

The moral of this true story is that if you love to read you don’t have to write. HOWEVER, if you love to write you have to read. That is one of the fundamental laws of the universe. Live it. Teach it. Preach it.

And keep listening to those kids of yours. They’ll tell you all kinds of unbelievable things. Also, hug a teacher.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

funny_cat_pictures_lolcats_this_cat_is_pushing-s500x485-301701

 

Vampire Diary: Zipped

middle age romance

Dear Diary,

The cats have decided the time to sing the songs of their people is when I am attempting to sleep.

I do not understand them.

~ Vlad

blue cat

 

Dear Diary,

Before dawn and the rising of the sun, I walked in the woods along the well worn trail that is used by walkers and joggers during the day. I do not understand this jogging. One either runs or walks. One does not jog.

As I walked along the creek by the pond I could hear the rustle of the night creatures. A coyote stood across the water and looked into my eyes as if to say “hail Prince of Darkness.”

Then I heard the voice of a female.

“I see you have your entourage with you.”

I was puzzled. At this time my knights, servants, court, and legions of faithful Vampires have been dispersed. They are gone. I looked behind me half expecting to see ghosts of my former glory. There stood my cats. The large tabby and white cat, and her black kitten. Yes, my loyal entourage was with me.

I looked through the dark at a woman standing before me wearing sweatpants and a hoodie. In the old days she would have been in a dress with a sweeping cloak. This one wore what they call a hoodie – a soft shirt with a built-in hood and a zipper. I lived for centuries in a world of buttons, laces, and pins. After three hundred years of being trapped in a crypt, I come out to find zippers. Zippers are, I have a difficult time finding the words for such an invention…zippers are fantastic. Women who wear zippers are incredible. I find myself attracted to a female form in a garment with a long zipper. But I get off subject.

I realized that the woman who stood before me was also a Vampire like me.

“Yes, madam, my cats have followed me. They are my loyal subjects.”

She smiled without fangs. I tried to get into her mind but she shut me out. She was powerful. There was a great burden on her cold silent heart. That I could tell.

“What troubles you?”

She took a step closer.  The cats took a step back then ran around a tree and down the path a bit. I kept my eyes on hers.

If I had been a fool I would have said something like Vlad to meet you, but I am not a fool. I did not mention her zipper either.

I kept my eyes on hers. She could not look away. I could tell she was young, not yet two hundred years of age. Yet, she was powerful in the ways of Vampires and defiant. I could see visions and memories of many things puzzling and confusing to me. I dug deeper – then she locked me out.

“Get out of my head,” she all but snarled at me.

“Tell me who you are. Tell me who your clan is.” I demanded.

She put her hands on her hips. “Who died and made you king?”

Didn’t she know? “My father,” I told her.

“Don’t be a duche.”

I had no idea what she meant by that. “Madam, I was once the Vampire King, but that was a long time ago,” I said to her. “You are young, not yet two hundred years. You know who I am. Who are you?”

She just stared at me.

“Are you not impressed?” I asked her this rhetorical question in hopes that she be impressed.

She spoke. “I am trying my best to claw myself out of the proverbial rabbit hole. I came out here to be alone. So leave me the crap alone.”

I asked her how it was that there were rabbits so large to make a hole she could fall into. I could understand the need to crap alone. She hissed at me and showed her fangs.

I stood, not even knowing how to respond. Then she turned and ran up the hill vanishing into the mist, as the sky turned lighter.

The cats followed me home.

I sat and thought about what she had said. I went to my computer and researched rabbits. None are as large as humans. Maybe she is insane.

~ Vlad

 

Down_the_Rabbit_Hole

Dear Diary,

I had a dream last night of the Vampire woman I met by the pond. She was dancing under the moon in a short blood-red gown and her black hoodie with the long zipper.

A large rabbit with a sword chased me away. It was like in the books my father had. The books brought fear into my cold little heart but I knew they were false. Then I thought maybe the story of the rabbit hole was false. Yet, I did not feel lies from her. She did not, how do they say now, give off that vibration.

Then she saw me and plucked a glass eye out of her head and gave it to me. Then she sank her teeth into my neck and sucked out my soul. Then she scraped rough material across my cheek and I woke up to find my cat licking my face.

I looked up at the ceiling and wondered if I would ever be the same.

~ Vlad

 

medieval-rabbits

 

Dear Diary,

Tonight, after a night out, and a stomach full of blood, I went for a walk under the night sky. The cats followed behind me, chasing after me and things I could not see.

Again I saw the woman with the zippers, but this time her hoodie was white. She wore blue jeans with a zipper. Her hair was messy from the wind and fell into her face.

She glared at me, and spoke. “It is guys like you who make me want to puke. Just because you’re cute…and YOU are incredibly cute, too cute, it doesn’t mean that every woman you meet is going to think you’re Prince Charming,”

“I do not understand,” I told her. “Who is this Prince Charming?”

“You act like you’ve been sealed up in a crypt for a hundred years,” she said with fierce anger in her eyes.

“I HAVE been sealed in a crypt for three hundred years,” I told her.

Then she just stared at me for a long minute, as only a Vampire can stare at another Vampire.

Then she said, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Sorry.” Then she turned and ran.

“I like your zippers,” I called behind her. She did not turn around.

I do not understand any of this. The world used to be simple. If I was hungry I would find blood. If someone crossed me I would put his head on a pole. If a woman pleased me I would have her. When I spoke I was listened to. I would lead armies into battle and they would never question me. I would make love to women and they would beg for more and offer me their necks. Women still do that…but the rest I do not understand.

My cats are screaming for food. I tell them to catch their own food. They do not listen. Yet, I know they still love me. Maybe one day I will yet rule again.

~ Vlad 

 

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