Resolutions and whatever those things are called…oh right, predictions

Rather than resolutions for a new year, I used to write down predictions for the coming year and seal them in an envelope.

It could be anything from world news events to a romance involving a friend. Crazy, total fantasy or something very predictable – it didn’t matter. There were no limits to what could be written. It was usually my brother Val and me who did this. We once brought in a friend who tried to make it into something mystical and way too serious.

It wasn’t mystical at all. It was like a Ouija board where you know somebody is pushing but everyone giggles with shock over the messages from the spirit world.

No, it was just us putting down stuff on paper and sealing it up for a year.

The funny thing was that, no matter how outlandish or silly, 90% of all of the predictions came true. Huh.

OK that is that story. No dramatic music building up behind me and a dramatic twist. Maybe we were just good at observation. Maybe we were just lucky.

But what about resolutions? You know, those things we say we’re going to do to improve our lives and the lives of others. I dare not admit to the long list of things I plan on doing each year but end up not doing. It is easier to give up something for Lent (but I’m not Catholic so I don’t give up anything for Lent either, but the idea behind it is good if done with the heart and not out of a sense of mindless duty.)

But predictions…

Ahhhh. That could be fun. But please no mumbo jumbo or fortune-telling. No spirits. No grand illusions. No wishing for the impossible. No wishing at all – just predicting.

Just gut reactions off the top of your head. Add in a few funny ones. Add in a few wishful ones. Add some silly in there too. Then seal it up and forget it for a year.

  1. I predict that someone I know will become a famous writer. I predict more than one will make their mark in that circle.
  2. I predict that it will rain in March… for a week… or two.
  3. I predict that another dog will come into my life.
  4. I predict that I’ll attend an unexpected wedding.
  5. I predict that my children will do well.
  6. I predict that something extraordinary will happen in Congress.
  7. I predict that it will be a good year.
  8. I predict that an old rocker will make a real comeback with someone fairly new.
  9. I predict a week at the beach.
  10. I predict art – a lot of art.
  11. I predict finding treasure of some sort.
  12. I predict that someone close to me will do something very stupid but funny at the same time.
  13. I predict that the space program (NASA) will come back in full force.
  14. I predict that there will be a Volcano go off in North America – south of Alaska.
  15. I predict that I will see a bear (but I hope not too close.)
  16. I predict beautiful dresses and shoes to match.
  17. I predict my brother Max will finally get “it” right.
  18. I predict all Vampires I know will get exactly what they deserve.
  19. I predict that someone dear to me will find true love.
  20. I predict that my nails will always look good in 2014.
  21. I predict that there will be an amazing discovery in Louisiana.
  22. I predict that a planet with life will be found.
  23. I predict that Juliette aka Vampire Maman and Modern Vampires will become part of the popular vernacular.
  24. I predict that everyone will read my blog.
  25. I predict that my readers will retain their sense of humor, sense of wonder and any good sense they have.

Those were pretty random, but that is how it is supposed to be. That is what makes it so much fun.

I didn’t seal this in an envelope or keep it private… but this is just to give you an idea. Try it. Have fun. Happy New Year.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Be it the click of the metal keys or the click of a computer keyboard...I will write.

Be it the click of the metal keys or the click of a computer keyboard…I will write.

Friday the 31st – Kiss a Black Cat (and cocktails)

Black kitty catToday is Friday the 31st.

That is 13 backwards.

So in Vampire culture that means you will get thirteen times the good luck and none of the bad.

So go kiss a black cat and make sure you have enough limes for cocktails tonight.

Note: If you don’t have a black cat any cat will do. Also don’t forget to kiss the Vampire.

NEVER forget to kiss the Vampire!

 

 

Vampire Head Rush

  • 2 oz Bourbon
  • 12 oz Dark Beer (Teddy Suggests something like Downtown Brown)
  • 2 oz Blood
  • Pour all in a tall glass over ice.

Clara calls it a head rush because she says it looks like something out of a toilet. Middle School humor.

Oh well. 

If you aren’t a vampire leave out the blood.

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Werewolf on the Rocks

  • 3 oz Bourbon
  • Splash of dry Vermouth
  • Splash of Orange Juice
  • A twist of lemon peel
  • Pour over frozen blood balls (ice cubes made from blood poured and frozen in cute little shapes)

If you aren’t a vampire make ice cubes out of orange or cranberry juice (yum).

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Vampire Iced Tea

  • 1 gallon water
  • 12-15 tea bags – any flavor you want. We like a nice strong black tea with a touch of fruit in it. Lady Earl Gray works well. Put tea bags and water in a jar. Put it outside in the sun for about 2-3 hours to brew. Don’t put it on the grass – it won’t get hot enough. A drive way or deck works best.
  • 1 jar (32 oz) of unsweetened Cranberry Juice (we like Trader Joes)
  • 12 oz blood
  • Artificial sweetener of your choice to taste (remember dear human visitors that we don’t handle sugar well)
  • Mix it all up and pour over ice with a sprig of mint and a sprig of rosemary.
  • Adults – add a large slosh of Vodka or Bourbon to the mix for some extra punch to this punch!

If you aren’t a vampire replace the blood with more cranberry juice, orange juice or more vodka.

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Vampire Nuts

Kids and adults like this mix. If teen boys are around I usually triple the recipe.

  • 1½ cup hazelnuts (roasted)
  • ½ cup pumpkin seeds (roasted)
  • 1 cup whole cashews (roasted)
  • 1/2 cup walnuts halves or pieces (roasted)
  • 2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh sage
  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh thyme leaves
  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh rosemary leaves
  • 2 tablespoons Grade A maple syrup
  • ¾ teaspoon cayenne pepper
  • 1 teaspoon sea salt
  • ½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
  • 2 tsp powered blood (optional – be I recommend – it adds a bit of bite to the nuts)

1. Preheat the oven to 400°. In a medium bowl, combine the hazelnuts, pumpkin seeds, cashews, sage, thyme, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, sea salt and black pepper. Spread the mixture on a baking sheet or stone (I like using my stone) and place in the oven. Bake, stirring occasionally, until browned and fragrant, about 15 minutes.

2. Remove from the oven and set aside to cool slightly. Serve warm or at room temperature.

If you aren’t a vampire leave out the powdered blood.

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And the perfect cocktail to go with those nuts is…

Nocturnal Summer Cooler

  • 6 limes
  • 1 cup packed mint leaves, no stems, plus 6 sprigs for garnish
  • 3 unwaxed cucumbers
  • ½ cup sugar
  • 2 cups gin (we like the kind in the green bottle)
  • 1 cup purified blood
  • Sparkling water

1. Thinly slice 3 limes and place in a pitcher. Juice the rest and add juice to pitcher. Add mint leaves. Slice 2 cucumbers and add, then add sugar. Stir. Add gin. Place in refrigerator  30 minutes or longer.

2. Peel remaining cucumber and cut lengthwise into 6 spears.

3. Fill 6 highball or other large glasses with ice. Strain mixture from pitcher into each. Top with a splash of sparkling water, garnish each glass with a sprig of mint and a cucumber spear, and serve. You can also garnish with a sprig of rosemary for a more savory taste.

If you aren’t a vampire replace the blood with your favorite juice (we like cranberry or blueberry)

And as always, don’t drink and drive!

Your Own Vampire – Tangled Tales

I waited, as Vampires often do in my old house, a Queen Anne style Victorian, my brother purchased new, in 1889. I waited for Jack.

Jack used to be my standing lunch date for Fridays. But after he found out there were Vampires, and that I am one, he hasn’t been around. (for the back story, click here and here)

The fact that people he knows are Werewolves freaked him out too.

And to top it off he found out that his wife has known about Vampires for years and never told him about it. His wife isn’t a Vampire, but her family has had Vampires for generations.

Having a relationship with a Vampire can be secret or in some cases not so secret. Some families make us a tradition.

Jack used to tell me how he never understood how his wife’s family could be so happy all the time. They were content. They were all successful. They had high self-esteem. They were amazing. And upon marrying into the happy family, Jack and his wife became friends with my husband Teddy and me. Then Jack became happy too.

But he didn’t know why. When he found out it freaked him out.

I explained to him that is was a symbiotic relationship – I got blood and in return I gave him a sense of happiness and well-being. Like I said, his wife’s family had a relationship with Vampires since 1805.

I was introduced to Jack in 1995.

Jack’s wife tried to explain. He loves her dearly. She is the light of his life. On the other hand, he didn’t know. And on the other hand again, he thought she was cheating on him and he thought he was cheating on her (with me). But he was happy. Almost too happy. And his wife was happy.

So when Jack arrived that morning, I was waiting with the blinds drawn and really not knowing what he’d say to me.

He showed up impeccably dressed as usual. I wore black. A classic little black dress with black pumps and pearls.

“I’ve been miserable since I stopped seeing you.” He looked tired. There were bags under his beautiful blue eyes.

“I’ve missed you too. As a Vampire and as a friend.” I told him the honest truth. We’d become close friends, as we often do with our favorites.

“But…Juliette…”

“I’m a Vampire. I know, I’ve passed it off as an affair. We never really…you just thought we did.”

“I feel horrible. I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

He approached me. I thought he was going to kiss me and he backed off. “You’re a Vampire.”

“You’re a lawyer. OK no more jokes. What we do is completely respectable, it just isn’t acceptable by some as stereotypes brought upon us by the popular media.” I said that so flatly with no emotion at all.

“Juliette. This is insane. I’ve heard all about how for generations your people have been with the family I married into. Your husband…Teddy is with my wife every Friday afternoon. I thought she was happy because of me.”

“She is happy because of you Jack. Teddy just helps her keep that feeling longer. He helps her for when she isn’t with you Jack.”

“You drank my blood.”

“And every time I do that  I give you a piece of my soul and well being as a reward.”

“You put me in a trance.”

“So you wouldn’t be afraid.”

He took off his jacket and loosened his tie. “So what about now? I want you to do it now, when I’m aware of what you’re doing.”

“You’re still afraid.”

“No shit Juliette. You’re a Vampire. Now just do it.”

I lead him to a chair and sat him down. I helped him remove his shirt, just in case, then I walked behind him and put my hands on his shoulders. I know he was thinking about how cold my touch was, and how quiet my breath was.

“Close your eyes Jack.”

“No, I want to see everything. I want to feel everything.”

I ran my hands down his arms, back up to his shoulders and then put on hand on his neck. I could feel how nervous he’d become. I came back around front and looked at his face. “Jack, I can take you no matter how you feel right now. I assume you understand that.”

“You won’t hurt me will you?”

“I love you Jack. You’re my friend. But I will stop…”

“Don’t stop.”

Putting my hands on his shoulders I kissed his lightly on the lips, then kissed his neck and did my magic, fangs and all. Jack grabbed my arms in an iron grip and didn’t let go until I was done.

“How do you feel?” I asked him, as he sat back, eyes closed.

“Good…A little scared.”

“I won’t turn you into a Vampire.”

“What if I asked.”

“I’d say no. And if you told anyone your life would be in danger. I’d never kill you. I’d just make you forget. But there are others, both human and Vampire who might.”

“Juliette.”

“Jack.”

He stood, a little unsteady on his feet, his hands went to my face and he kissed me again, but not as a friend, but more as a lover.

I let him sleep off the afternoon and gave him sweet dreams of his lovely wife and everything except the dark cold woman who stroked his hair and savored the sound of his beating heart.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Tangled Tales

Tangled Tales

Vampire Maman’s thoughts on Santa and Kids (and believing in magic)

I saw a blog post titled something like “How to tell your child that there is no Santa.”  WTF???? And there were point by point directions on how to do so. Really? Yes, really.

As a parent I was horrified and disgusted. Who would actually sit down and tell their child that there is no Santa?  Hasn’t that blogger ever watched Miracle on 34th Street? Has she no heart? Is she just plain mean and weird? Does she have no holiday spirit? Is she without imagination? Has she no joy in her soul? Does she have a soul?

 

Things you sit down and talk to your children about:

  • Sex
  • Drugs
  • Relationships
  • School
  • Responsiblity
  • Reputation

 

What you DO NOT have A TALK with your kids about:

  • The virtues of no imagination
  • The virtues of no fun
  • The virtues of dullness
  • The virtues of a humorless existence
  • The virtues of boring
  • The virtues of nit picking
  • The virtues of being MEAN

 

I know, I know, the dark Vampire bitch is coming out tonight…sorry…but you know how it is with me sometimes. I’m a mom. Mom’s have to believe in magic. We have to believe in imagination. We have to believe in FUN. Otherwise why be a parent at all? Right?

Besides ALL Vampires KNOW there IS a Santa. We’re creatures of the night so we’re up all night. We see those reindeer. We see the fat man. We’ve been seeing him for hundreds of years.

Nuff said.

 

And to all a good night!

~ Juliette