Pi 8675309

Happy Pie Pi Day.

The number Pi is: 3.14159265359

Of course the idea of numbers gave me an unrelated ear worm because they are numbers and that is how my brain works, when my brain works.

Sing it Tommy!

 

As a rule Vampires don’t eat a lot of pie or do a lot of math. OK some do a lot of math, I guess, you know some might. Anyway, I’m sharing a wonderful Lemon Pie recipe from the 1930’s that has been in my recipe box for about that long. I’d like to eat more pie but alas I am a Vampire. So you eat the pie. Please. It will make you happy. I promise.

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I need to get back to sleep. Or have coffee. Coffee and pie. Do the math.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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Mattie’s Lemon Pie. Yes, this is the actual pie. I made it all by myself.

Vampires, Party Favors, Family, Friends, Thanks, and a Recipe for Swiss Chard.

Back in the 1880’s around the time of Jack the Ripper, my brother Valentine and I spent some time in London. We were in our 20’s out having fun and getting into more trouble than I want to mention tonight. There, in London, we met another young American Vampire, named Pleasant Van Dusen. Pleasant and I became lovers. He was handsome, cultivated, fashionable, sexy, and I hate to admit, but a bit more of an asshole than I needed. But at the time we worked well together, especially with the party scenes of both elegant Vampires and warm blooded folks.

We were young. We were Americans. We were full of too much joy and light for most Vampires we met there. Truly, we were, and of course the others, the English, and European Vampires found us extremely fascinating.

On cold November evening, dressed in our best formal party wear Pleasant and I attended a party that was promised to be spectacular. Upon entering the ball room of the beautiful mansion we were greeted with the sight of a low table about ten feet long, covered with all sorts of food. There were cakes, berries, apples, pastries full of cream and more fruit, chicken pies, tiny roasted potatoes, breads, and muffins of all kinds. Around the table sat at least two dozen small children, dressed in frilly fancy clothing, eating away without any adults saying no.

Of course not. The only adults in the room were Vampires, and the children were very warm blooded.

Pleasant and I looked at each other, then looked again at the children. This was not what we expected. The host and hostess greeted us with a giddy excitement that was unusual for English Vampires of the time. They had obtained two dozen children from different sources. It would be such a rare and wonderful night of feasting after the little darlings were done with their own party.

I have to say that by different sources I mean children of the poor, without parents, or with parents who were more than willing to sell their own children to well dressed, attractive people with a lot of money. These Vampires, I found later, had their sources. There was no shortage of children to be purchased – no questions asked.

Pleasant smiled and introduced me to his friends. They were lavish with their attention on me, especially after they realized that I was one of those rare Vampires who was born a Vampire, not made one after the fact.

To make a long story short, sort of, when the time came to pick a child and feast upon it’s young and delicate blood, I feigned illness. A blood bourne disease, no doubt from an opium user or some other drug, Pleasant explained to them. As we were ready to leave, coats in hand, the host handed us two bundles.

“One of each. A boy and a girl. Consider them party favors,” said our host.

In our carriage on the way home we discovered we had a skinny baby girl of about eight months, and a talkative boy who said he was four years old.

The boy said he lived in a house with his father and five or six women. He didn’t know which one was his mother. He said a pretty woman, with pretty clothes, who smelled like flowers, gave his father real money, then she took him to the party. Before the party a group of maids gave all of the children baths, then put them in clean fancy clothing. It had been great fun with more food than any of them had ever seen.

We arrived back at the house I was sharing with my brother Val.

We told our story to Val, who was both disgusted and amused.

“What are you going to do with the children? You know we can’t keep them,” said Val.

“I don’t know,” I told him.

Then Pleasant, in typical Pleasant fashion, said, “I don’t care what you do with them but you need to get rid of them as soon as possible.”

“Me?” I asked.

“Yes, you Juliette. I have to get something to eat before I starve to death. I’ll be back in a few hours.” And with that Pleasant Van Dusen left into the night in search of fresh blood, but not from children.

Val glared at the door. “Typical Pleasant. Of course he left those children with you.”

“Am I going to live you now? Are you going to be my new parents?” The boy called out.

“I think I know someone who might take them in. She doesn’t have children her own. God knows she and her husband have been trying. This might just be a blessing in disguise,” said Val.

“Are you her Vampire?” I asked my brother.

He smiled. “Yes, I am her Vampire. She owes me.”

Val and I gathered up the children. The boy said he was called Billy. The girl had no name. I held her tight against me. She was so warm, and smelled like a bit of heaven.

We dropped the children off at the home of Val’s friends, a lovely women called Lillian and her husband the Marquis of Lampeaus.

Val spoke to them while I kept the children quiet. He used his powers of persuasion to convince the childless couple  to keep the children as their own.

Like I said, I’m trying to keep this story short.

Right before dawn Pleasant came back into the house. He made love to me in my bed, his hair smelling cigar smoke, his breath of fresh blood. He brought me a bottle of Poet’s blood, the first I’d ever had.

Then he said, “Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. We should celebrate, with Val and maybe a few other friends.”

And so we did.

And we continue to, but now I’m married to Teddy, and Pleasant Van Dusen is with someone who fortunately is not me.

Occasionally, like on Thanksgiving, we, Vampires eat things that are not blood, or things that go with blood. One of these is Swiss chard.

Way back in 2012, I shared a recipe for my Thanksgiving Swiss Chard. I haven’t fixed it for years, but hey, it is a good source of something green for your belly (and heart.)

Juliette’s Swiss Chard

  • About a half pound of bacon (or more to taste, use whatever kind you want but a good thick cut pork bacon works best for me)
  • Butter
  • Olive Oil
  • Fresh lemon juice (about ¾ cup) or balsamic vinegar (cranberry flavored is nice)
  • 1-4 table spoons fresh garlic chopped – to your own taste
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • One onion – chopped sauted until translucent.
  • Hand full of roasted chopped walnuts.
  • 4 bunches Swiss chard, cut in 1 inch pieces. It is up to you if you include the stems (I don’t, my mom does). I also add in a hand full of flat leafed kale and sometimes some spinach.

Put some olive oil, a couple of table spoons of the stuff, in a large skillet and heat it up nice and hot. Throw in the garlic and chard and crumbled cooked bacon. Toss it around until the chard starts to wilt a little. Throw in about a table spoon of butter, the onion, and a little bit of the bacon fat. Cook for about 3-4 minutes. Then drizzle with the lemon juice or vinegar, season with salt and pepper. Top with walnuts. Taste as you go to make it just how you like it. Simple and easy. That’s all.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. And yes, the children lived long happy lives with their new parents. They really did.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Ask Juliette: Irish Snakes, Soda Bread, and a Wee Unfortunate Bit of Troll History

Welcome to the St. Patrick’s Day edition of Ask Juliette – Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone. This is a regular Thursday feature here on Vampire Maman. If you have a question about ANYTHING send it to juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com.

This morning my ancient Grandmama (great great great great) Lola is here helping me out. Lola  brings a unique perspective on most situations. I also have Tellias who is much more ancient than Lola, and he doesn’t lie as much as she does.

 

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Dear Juliette,

Did Saint Patrick really drive the snakes out of Ireland?

~ Wondering

 

Dear Wondering,

Ireland is one of only a handful of places worldwide—including New Zealand, Iceland, Greenland, and Antarctica that don’t have snakes.

There is no evidence of snakes ever existing in Ireland.

Ireland is an island. While England had land bridges going to Europe at one time, Ireland never did. Snakes, being poorly trained for rowing boats, couldn’t make it to Ireland. They could have made it during the ice age but it was too cold for snakes at that time (there again, snakes don’t wear coats or have fur.)

The St. Patrick story comes from the symbolism of the man driving sin/evil (the snake) out of Ireland.

~ Juliette

From Tellias: I recall he was known as Patricius when I met him. It was a brief passing. One night we both took shelter from a storm. I was in Ireland looking for a missing Warlock. Patricius was kind and gentle offering me food and a fire to share. We talked through the night. He told me of the time he was captured by pirates and taken to Ireland the first time. he wasn’t but a teen, a young man. There was something about him, a charm, a fierce passion for right, and a desire to have connection with the people that impressed me. Unlike most people at the time he could read and write. There was no magic in him. People use magic to convince the ignorant and supersisious populations of what is important, like faith, and hope and the desire to be better. To be sure, he was a nice enough guy.

Lola: I always thought Patrick was sizzling hot. That is why he had so many female followers.

Tellias: You weren’t even born yet.

 

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Dear Juliette,

Do you have a good recipe for Irish Soda Bread?

~ Feeling Irish Today

 

Dear Feeling Irish,

You do know I’m a Vampire don’t you? I admit, I bake. I also admit that I don’t eat what I bake.

As a Vampire I do a lot of things that shouldn’t make sense but it makes me fit in. Baking is one of those things. It also makes my house smell nice.

Anyway… here you go.

Irish Soda Bread (From a Vampire)

  • 4 cups flour
  • 4 table spoons sugar (white)
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 tablespoon baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 cup margarine (softened) or butter flavored Crisco or real lard if you’re feeling it.
  • 1 cup buttermilk (this is what makes it good)
  • 1 egg (chicken)
  • 1/4 cup melted butter
  • 1/4 cup buttermilk (in addition to the other stuff)

 

  1. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees F.
  2. Grease a large baking sheet. If you have an insulated baking sheet use that.
  3. In a large bowl mix together dry ingredients and margarine.
  4. Stir in 1 cup of buttermilk and the egg.
  5. Trun dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead slightly (20 times)
  6. Form the dough into a nice round and place it on the baking sheet.
  7. In a small gown combine the melted butter and 1/4 cup buttermilk.
  8. Brush the load with this.
  9. With a sharp knife cut an X into the top of the loaf.
  10. Bake for about 45-50 minutes.
  11. Insert a toothpick into it at about 40 minutes and then at 45 minutes. If it comes out clean then take it out. If it comes back with stuff on it let it cook a bit more. Check every three minutes.

Serve with butter and some nice jam or honey. Or if you’re a Vampire just dip it in Poet’s Blood. Yum. If you want a more savory bread you could add some caraway seeds or toss in some Italian seasoning (it isn’t Irish but hey, everyone is Irish today, even the Italians.)

Enjoy and if you make it let me know how it turns out.

~ Juliette

 

Dear Juliette,

How does it feel like being an evil being from the depths of Hell, and damned forever to drink the blood of living humans?

~ Curious

 

Dear Curious Asshole Troll,

How does it feel like to be a Troll? Seriously, tell me.

Yes, haters are going to hate.

Actually it feels GREAT being a Vampire. But unfortunately for you, if you ever find yourself in a dark corner with a Vampire he will do one of the following:

  1. Suck out your soul and send it to Satan (that is a lot of work but sometimes worth it, like in your case.)
  2. Make fun of you and laugh in your face.
  3. Rip your throat out.
  4. Don’t worry, nobody will EVER turn YOU into a Vampire. Thank goodness.

Haters are going to hate. Assholes rarely get cured. Trolls are sad pathetic beings who have no real friends.

It seems so long ago, but it really wasn’t, that the Irish in America were considered as unwanted as Vampires. I have an old joke book from the late 19th century that is full of racist jokes about the Irish. The hate for the Irish has unfortunately been replaced by hate for others.

 

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This is so sick. I don’t even have words to describe it in full.

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So don’t be a Troll and NO you can’t celebrate St. Patrick’s Day until you can learn to be nice and stop being a jerk. So crawl back into your slime covered hole before you piss someone off again.

~ Juliette

 

William Keith - Dusk Near Monterey

William Keith – Dusk Near Monterey

Have a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day everyone, even if you aren’t Irish or a Vampire.

xoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

Juliette Roasts Pumpkin Seeds (an easy how-to with pictures)

At my house, after we carve our Jack-o-Lanterns, we roast the pumpkin seeds.

Contrary to popular opinion Halloween isn’t great for Vampires due to the over abundance of sugar. I’m not kidding. We don’t handle it well. So it makes sense that pumpkin seeds are the perfect Halloween treat (other than fresh blood but that is a different post).

Some methods of roasting pumpkin seeds are full of steps. Well step no more. This isn’t the fox trot or Dancing With The Stars. It is just pumpkins seeds. It is EASY.

Juliette’s Way to Make Roasted Pumpkin Seeds

  1. Clean seeds after removing them from your pumpkin. Just scoop them out with your hands or a spoon. Remove all the gunk. Rinse them off.
  2. Spray your baking stones or pans. I use either my thousand year old well used black and beaten pizza pan or a well seasoned stone (I used to have a Pampered Chef stone but somebody broke it). I have better pans that I use for other things – but the old ones seem to work better for this sort of thing.
  3. Heat oven to 300 degrees F
  4. For 3-4 cups of cleaned seeds mix in a couple table spoons of olive oil and season to taste. I use a lot of garlic and a touch of seasoned salt. And why yes, Vampires DO eat garlic. But mix up your flavors with herbs, chili powder or Tobasco sauce. Whatever floats your ghost.
  5. Spread seeds on pans (one layer) and bake for 25 – 60 minutes. It all depends on how wet your seeds are. Figure it out as you go along and check every 10 minutes or so. When seeds are dry and crisp take them out. Feel free to taste while you cook (the sign of a good cook). PLEASE keep checking so you don’t burn the seeds. They will be dry and crisp when ready. And I mean dry, not chewy like an apple, but dry like a potato chip.

This isn’t a recipe for the exacting anal cook but it always turns out wonderful pumpkin seeds for me.

Happy Halloween!

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Clean out your pumpkin.

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Carve it. Admire it. Smile because it is so happy and scary!

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Clean your seeds.

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Turn oven to 300 F.

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Season and mix.

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Put seeds in the oven.

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Go admire your Jack-o-Lanterns.

Nom nom nom! Seeds are ready and crunchy and yummy! And good for you!

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Happy Halloween!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Vampire Nuts

Who is that knocking upon my door?

The black shroud of death

And doom

Covers his form

And hides all life

Within.

I wait,

For his embrace,

The cold kiss,

Silken lashes,

Claws down my back,

In bloody lines,

Of passion.

Who is that knocking upon my door?

Oh nuts!

Is it you?

 

Alright, that was cheerful. Now that you’re all in a scary mood let’s have some fun.

No, no, no, this isn’t one of those posts about the table set in the form of a man made out of sausage guts and gummy worm brains. Go to Pinterest for that kind of thing.

It isn’t about bat wings or eyes of newt boiling in a pot. I’m a Vampire, not a witch. I wouldn’t even know where to find a newt, but if I did I wouldn’t steal it’s dear little eyeballs.

I realize that a lot of Vampires just aren’t that into Halloween. People dress up like Vampires, but those who are Vampires sort of take it all in stride. It is what it is.

We’re more inclined to celebrate at Christmas time with twinkling lights in the dark, candles burning, and the scent of pine trees. We’ll take any chance to gather with goblets of wine and blood, and nights of wonder underneath the winter night skies.

I saw “we” as a whole. I love Halloween with a passion. It is a time to go nuts. Literally. And you know that one cannot live on blood alone. Really, seriously, one cannot live on just blood. Occasionally you have to have a bit of something else, so why not Vampire Nuts.

 

Vampire Nuts

Kids and adults like this mix. If teen boys are around I usually triple the recipe. You can use whatever kind of nuts you like. This is just a suggestion. If you’re good at this sort of thing play around with the flavors.

1½ cup hazelnuts (roasted)

½ cup pumpkin seeds (roasted)

1 cup whole cashews (roasted)

1/2 cup walnuts halves or pieces (roasted)

2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh sage

1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh thyme leaves

1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh rosemary leaves

1 teaspoon garlic powder

2 tablespoons Grade A maple syrup

¾ teaspoon cayenne pepper

1 teaspoon sea salt

½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

2 tsp powered blood (optional if you are a Vampire, otherwise leave it out or you’ll get grossed out – it adds a bit of bite to the nuts.)

1. Preheat the oven to 400°. In a medium bowl, combine the hazelnuts, pumpkin seeds, cashews, sage, thyme, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, sea salt and black pepper. Spread the mixture on a baking sheet or baking stone  and place in the oven. Bake, stirring occasionally, until browned and fragrant, about 15 minutes.

Note: If you are not using silicone bakeware spray the baking sheet or stone lightly with some sort of cooking oil spray. I usually use the olive oil kind. 

2. Remove from the oven when done and set aside to cool slightly. Serve warm or at room temperature.

Some people use Pumpkin Pie seasonings in place of the sage, thyme and rosemary. It is pretty good.

Watch carefully to make sure you don’t burn anything. Seriously, I’m serious about the burning nut thing. I can’t tell you how many people (Vampires and otherwise) have told me they burned this as black as coal.

Serve these with Poet’s Blood, your favorite red wine or Bourbon (or use your imagination.)

This Halloween have fun and be a little nuts. I know I’m going to be.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

A Recipe for Change (with Vampires and Horrible Green Things)

Some folks are set in their ways. Sometimes that is due to youth and inexperience or fear of growing up. Sometimes it is because someone has been set in their ways for so long. For centuries. It frustrates the crap out of me but I keep trying.

My philosophy is to never get so set in my ways that I don’t want to experience new things. Better yet, not get so set in my ways and opinions that I get stuck permanently.

I received a call from Tellias, the elderly ancient Vampire. He and Eleora are over 2,000 years old but they look like teens. Talk to them for a few minutes and you’ll realize that they are not young at all.

My greatest fear is to one day show up at their farmhouse and find a pile of ashes or worse. They are old and fragile and I love them more than anything.

Tellias whispered over the phone in an almost panicked voice. “Someone dropped a box off at our door. We don’t know what to do with it.”

The words rang in my ears. What could be in the box? A severed head? Bones? Goblin changelings? Government secrets? Jimmy Hoffa’s mummified remains? An angry cobra?”

I arrived at the farmhouse to be welcomed by the old dog Ginger. She staggered over to me like quiet friendly drunk and licked my hand.

Tellias stood on the porch in a straw hat, black tuxedo pants and a white unbuttoned tuxedo shirt (the kind with a thousand little pleats.) He was wearing red socks. Eleora had on one of the ugliest dresses I’ve ever seen – some sort of gray with green nubby stripes with an elephant design stitched around the edges with yellow crystal eyes. It hung on her a few sizes too large so she’d tied it with a yellow scarf. Matching yellow flip flops were on here feet. I kept my sunglasses on. I made a mental note to go through her closet and take her shopping… again.

They stared at me with concerned looks. Eleora took my hands and they ushered me into the kitchen. There on the table was a large box full of broccoli.

Tellias leaned against the counter with a disgusted look on his face. “We grow our own Swiss chard.”

“We like that,” said Eleora.

“We grow it,” said Tellias.

“We grow it ourselves,” said Eleora.

“I like red bell peppers,” said Tellias.

“Those are good,” said Eleora.

“Roasted,” added Tellias.

“Yes, roasted over a fire, “said Eleora.

“A hot fire,” said Tellias.

Eleora wrapped her fingers on the table. “What are we going to do with all of that broccoli?”

“Where did it come from?” I knew I wouldn’t get a straight answer but I asked anyway.

“They thought we looked pale,” said Eleora.

“We’re supposed to be pale,” said Tellias.

“We’re pale people,” said Eleora.

“We’re Vampires.”

“We don’t like broccoli.”

“What were they thinking?”

“What indeed.”

“It looks like brains.”

“We’re not zombies. We despise broccoli.”

I stood, exhausted. They both stood there staring at me, waiting for an answer.

I read the small note that was left on the box. I took a deep breath. “It is just a box of vegetables from someone who thought they were doing you a favor. I’ll make a note to tear their hearts out next time I see them. Will that make you feel better?”

Tellias scowled at me. “You don’t need to get all pissy and sarcastic with us Juliette.”

“Broccoli,” spat Eleora.

“We cooked and fed a bunch of it to Ginger but it gave her gas,” Tellias said.

“She liked it,” said Eleora.

“But it wasn’t a great idea,” said Tellias.

“No, not a good idea,” said Eleora with a shake of her head.

“Not at all,” said Tellias. “So what should we do with it? We can’t feed it all to the dog.”

“We don’t care for it,” said Eleora. “We don’t like it.”

Tellias put a hand on my arm. “Do you want it?”

There must have been 10 pounds of the stuff in the box. I texted a friend of mine who works with a homeless shelter to see if she wanted it for the hot meals they cook.

Eleora looked at the box. “How can people taste so nice when they eat that stuff?”

I heard the screen door open with a screech – not of any paranormal creature but because it needs some WD40. Anyway, something smelled good and there was Cody, my dear young Vampire (for only 2 years now) standing with something in a pie pan with a dish towel over it.

I’m going to assume, actually I know, he must have spent the night with Lola. Yes, Cody DID indeed spend the night in the cottage on the farm with Lola my g-g-great-grandmamma (born in 1365 but looks all of 26.) Anyway, there was Cody – Vampire hipster and all around nice guy.

He smiled showing a little bit of happy fang. “I brought quiche. Used some of that broccoli your friends brought over.”

I took in the lovely scent. “It smells wonderful Cody.”

“Gluten free with local organic cheese and uncured bacon.”

Tallias scowled. “Thank you Cody for the thought but real Vampires don’t eat Quiche or broccoli.”

“Oh come on,” said Cody.  “Don’t be like Sam I Am, give it a try.”

Tellias shook his head. “We’re Vampires.”

Cody tried to turn on the charm. “Sure but one cannot exist on blood alone. Give it a try. Just a small piece.”

I spoke up. “I’ll make coffee and have a small piece with you. Where’s Lola?”

Cody smiled again but a different kind of smile. “Asleep. We had a big night on the town last night. She couldn’t handle the sunlight this morning.”

Eleora quietly got out a few plates. “I was 300 years old before I tasted cheese.”

Cody looked genuinely surprised. “Really? Wow. I can’t imagine life without cheese.”

She fussed with a few napkins and silver forks. “I like Stilton the best with a small slice of fig. Not preserves with all the sugar but just a thin slice of fresh ripe fig,” said Eleora. “I get the figs right off of the tree out back.”

“Good choice,” I said.

“With a nice bit of blood warm blood to go along with it. Do you want me to call someone to come over? Tellias call 911. They’ll send those nice young officers out again. They’re local too. Not organic but they’re wonderful and sweet.”

I couldn’t let them do this. Oh no no no. “No. Absolutely not. You have blood in the refrigerator. I’ll take you out in a few days, or Cody and Lola will take you out. You don’t need to lure anyone here.”

Tellias continued to look unhappy. “Cody brought over a tofu and broccoli stir-fry last night.”

“Last night,” said Eleora.

“We still love you Cody even if you are dead set on killing us with your cooking,” said Tellias.

“We haven’t loved a new Vampire as much as we love you since a long long time,” said Eleora.

“Not for a long long long time,” said Tellias who draped his arm around Cody’s shoulder.

I took a bite of the Quiche. “Oh Cody, you’ve outdone yourself. This is lovely.”

I always pick up the phone when the old ancient Vampires call. I always come over. I always take care of every emergency because I have to. That is what we do for those we love. Even if it is vegetable. But next time it has to be an artichoke because they at least have hearts.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

True love keeps you young forever!

True love keeps you young forever!

Cody’s Crustless Quiche with Veggies

Ingredients:

1 Tbsp. olive oil
1 medium onion, diced
1 scallion chopped fine
½ tsp. dried thyme
4 of 5 sliced mushrooms
4 slices cooked and crumbled bacon
Dash of nutmeg
8 oz. spinach, washed
½ cut broccoli chopped really fine
5 eggs
8 oz. Jack cheese, shredded (Cody likes the nice texture of the Jack)
1/8 tsp. salt
Dash of pepper

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a large frying pan, sauté the diced onion in the olive oil until the onion is tender. Add broccoli until it turns a nice bight green and just begins to get tender. Add mushrooms and spinach. Cook until the spinach wilts. Remove from heat.

In a  bowl, beat the eggs. Add the shredded cheese, salt, pepper and nutmeg and thyme, and stir to combine.

Add the veggies and bacon to the eggs and cheese, and stir it all up.

Pour into a greased pie plate. Bake for 30 minutes, or until the top starts to brown.