Pi 8675309

Happy Pie Pi Day.

The number Pi is: 3.14159265359

Of course the idea of numbers gave me an unrelated ear worm because they are numbers and that is how my brain works, when my brain works.

Sing it Tommy!


As a rule Vampires don’t eat a lot of pie or do a lot of math. OK some do a lot of math, I guess, you know some might. Anyway, I’m sharing a wonderful Lemon Pie recipe from the 1930’s that has been in my recipe box for about that long. I’d like to eat more pie but alas I am a Vampire. So you eat the pie. Please. It will make you happy. I promise.


I need to get back to sleep. Or have coffee. Coffee and pie. Do the math.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Mattie’s Lemon Pie. Yes, this is the actual pie. I made it all by myself.

Pie, Pi, and Hi Mom (Uncle Rico’s Cheese Pie, and Mattie’s Lemon Pie) and Vampires


Happy Pi Day!

Garret, who is in his third year of college and almost twenty-one asked me about pie today, because it is the best way to celebrate Pi Day.

Baking and math, is like all art and science – one can’t exist without the other. Baking is an art but it is also chemistry.

Now you might be thinking, “Vampires eat pie?”

Yes, sometimes when we choose to eat solid food we will eat pie. Unfortunately super sweet pies don’t go down well at all for us. But we can limit our intake, just like anyone who has food issues.

Uncle Rico’s Cheese Pie has no crust and is a nice savory pie. Mattie’s Lemon pie goes back to the 1930’s. I fix it for guests. I don’t know if you can fix it without sugar (with Spenda or other non sugar stuff.) Give it a try and let me know if it turns out.

How many people will each pie serve? 3.14159265359 x 2, give or take a few.

Uncle Rico’s Cheese Pie

This works great if you wish to reduce the recipe in half. I use silicone baking pans for this so I don’t need the cooking spray.

  • Cooking spray
  • 10 eggs, beaten
  • 2 (16 ounce) containers cottage cheese
  • 1 pound shredded Monterey Jack
  • 1 (4 ounce) can diced mild green chiles
  • 1/2 cup butter, melted (optional)
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 cup cooked crumbled bacon (optional)
1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 -2 teaspoons dried thyme

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Prepare a 10×13-inch baking dish with cooking spray.

Mix eggs, cottage cheese, Monterey Jack cheese, green chiles, butter, flour, bacon, and baking powder together in a large bowl; pour into prepared baking dish.

Bake in the preheated oven for 15 minutes. Reduce heat to 350 degrees F and continue baking for 30 minutes (until a toothpick inserted into the center of the casserole comes out clean.


Mattie’s Lemon Pie

This is the bomb. This is the lemon pies of all lemon pies. Remember Vampires, just a tiny taste. Don’t over do it or you’ll be sicker than a Werewolf after a cat food binge.

This recipe is from the 1930’s, maybe even a little older. First you make the crust. Then make the filling. Put the lemon filling in the crust. Then make the meringue and put it on top. THEN cook it. No the meringue isn’t on the recipe. You’re already supposed to know how to make it. Whip a bunch of egg whites with a little bit of sugar until they are still. Make sure your bowl is absolutely clean. Do not use a plastic bowl. See me if you have any questions. Below are photos of what it should look like. Make peaks, not smooth meringue. Enjoy. It also is a swell pie with lime juice.

Happy Pi Day.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Mmmmmmmm that is some good pie! Now let’s do some numbers.




Ask Juliette: Irish Snakes, Soda Bread, and a Wee Unfortunate Bit of Troll History

Welcome to the St. Patrick’s Day edition of Ask Juliette – Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone. This is a regular Thursday feature here on Vampire Maman. If you have a question about ANYTHING send it to juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com.

This morning my ancient Grandmama (great great great great) Lola is here helping me out. Lola  brings a unique perspective on most situations. I also have Tellias who is much more ancient than Lola, and he doesn’t lie as much as she does.




Dear Juliette,

Did Saint Patrick really drive the snakes out of Ireland?

~ Wondering


Dear Wondering,

Ireland is one of only a handful of places worldwide—including New Zealand, Iceland, Greenland, and Antarctica that don’t have snakes.

There is no evidence of snakes ever existing in Ireland.

Ireland is an island. While England had land bridges going to Europe at one time, Ireland never did. Snakes, being poorly trained for rowing boats, couldn’t make it to Ireland. They could have made it during the ice age but it was too cold for snakes at that time (there again, snakes don’t wear coats or have fur.)

The St. Patrick story comes from the symbolism of the man driving sin/evil (the snake) out of Ireland.

~ Juliette

From Tellias: I recall he was known as Patricius when I met him. It was a brief passing. One night we both took shelter from a storm. I was in Ireland looking for a missing Warlock. Patricius was kind and gentle offering me food and a fire to share. We talked through the night. He told me of the time he was captured by pirates and taken to Ireland the first time. he wasn’t but a teen, a young man. There was something about him, a charm, a fierce passion for right, and a desire to have connection with the people that impressed me. Unlike most people at the time he could read and write. There was no magic in him. People use magic to convince the ignorant and supersisious populations of what is important, like faith, and hope and the desire to be better. To be sure, he was a nice enough guy.

Lola: I always thought Patrick was sizzling hot. That is why he had so many female followers.

Tellias: You weren’t even born yet.




Dear Juliette,

Do you have a good recipe for Irish Soda Bread?

~ Feeling Irish Today


Dear Feeling Irish,

You do know I’m a Vampire don’t you? I admit, I bake. I also admit that I don’t eat what I bake.

As a Vampire I do a lot of things that shouldn’t make sense but it makes me fit in. Baking is one of those things. It also makes my house smell nice.

Anyway… here you go.

Irish Soda Bread (From a Vampire)

  • 4 cups flour
  • 4 table spoons sugar (white)
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 tablespoon baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 cup margarine (softened) or butter flavored Crisco or real lard if you’re feeling it.
  • 1 cup buttermilk (this is what makes it good)
  • 1 egg (chicken)
  • 1/4 cup melted butter
  • 1/4 cup buttermilk (in addition to the other stuff)


  1. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees F.
  2. Grease a large baking sheet. If you have an insulated baking sheet use that.
  3. In a large bowl mix together dry ingredients and margarine.
  4. Stir in 1 cup of buttermilk and the egg.
  5. Trun dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead slightly (20 times)
  6. Form the dough into a nice round and place it on the baking sheet.
  7. In a small gown combine the melted butter and 1/4 cup buttermilk.
  8. Brush the load with this.
  9. With a sharp knife cut an X into the top of the loaf.
  10. Bake for about 45-50 minutes.
  11. Insert a toothpick into it at about 40 minutes and then at 45 minutes. If it comes out clean then take it out. If it comes back with stuff on it let it cook a bit more. Check every three minutes.

Serve with butter and some nice jam or honey. Or if you’re a Vampire just dip it in Poet’s Blood. Yum. If you want a more savory bread you could add some caraway seeds or toss in some Italian seasoning (it isn’t Irish but hey, everyone is Irish today, even the Italians.)

Enjoy and if you make it let me know how it turns out.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

How does it feel like being an evil being from the depths of Hell, and damned forever to drink the blood of living humans?

~ Curious


Dear Curious Asshole Troll,

How does it feel like to be a Troll? Seriously, tell me.

Yes, haters are going to hate.

Actually it feels GREAT being a Vampire. But unfortunately for you, if you ever find yourself in a dark corner with a Vampire he will do one of the following:

  1. Suck out your soul and send it to Satan (that is a lot of work but sometimes worth it, like in your case.)
  2. Make fun of you and laugh in your face.
  3. Rip your throat out.
  4. Don’t worry, nobody will EVER turn YOU into a Vampire. Thank goodness.

Haters are going to hate. Assholes rarely get cured. Trolls are sad pathetic beings who have no real friends.

It seems so long ago, but it really wasn’t, that the Irish in America were considered as unwanted as Vampires. I have an old joke book from the late 19th century that is full of racist jokes about the Irish. The hate for the Irish has unfortunately been replaced by hate for others.



This is so sick. I don’t even have words to describe it in full.



So don’t be a Troll and NO you can’t celebrate St. Patrick’s Day until you can learn to be nice and stop being a jerk. So crawl back into your slime covered hole before you piss someone off again.

~ Juliette


William Keith - Dusk Near Monterey

William Keith – Dusk Near Monterey

Have a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day everyone, even if you aren’t Irish or a Vampire.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman



Pi Day, Pie and the Ides of March…and Vampires

I got a call at about 2:00 a.m. this morning.

“Three major days: Friday the 13th, Pi Day and The Ides of March ALL right in a ROW.”

“Do you remember the first Ides of March?” I had to ask. He remembers so much of his days as a Roman.

“I didn’t hear about it until months later. I was in Britain by then. I was in love and didn’t have any desire to go back to Rome.”

The person on the other line (as you might have guessed) was Tellias, one of the Elders, and ancient Vampire who is a bit over 2,000 years old.

About 45 minutes later he was at my house and we were making pie for Pi day.

None of us were feeling like anything sweet so we went for savory.

Savory Cheese Pie


  • 1/2 cup small curd cottage cheese
  • 1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
  • 1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese (we like the sharp kind)
  • 1/2 cup chopped red bell pepper
  • 1/2 cup baking mix (like Bisquick but we don’t care what brand we use)
  • 1 cup milk
  • 2 eggs
  • 1/2 cup French-fried onions (optional or choose some walnuts or something like that if you like.)

This should be called Half Cup Cake for all of the half cups of everything in it.

  • Preheat oven to 400ºF.
  • Grease 9-inch pie plate.
  • Stir together cheeses and bell pepper; spread in pie plate.
    Stir baking mix, milk and eggs until blended.
  • Pour into pie plate; sprinkle with onions or whatever savory topping sounds good to you. Sun dried tomato bits work especially when mixed in with the cheese. You can also add fresh tomato slices on the top after it is cooked.
  • Bake about 35 minutes or until golden brown and knife inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 5 minutes.
  • Serve with a nice salad of baby greens, dried cranberries and balsamic vinegar.

I opened a couple of bottles of Spiced Poet’s Blood and made a pot of tea as well.

Tellias and Eleora (his true love since the late days of BC), my husband Teddy and I all had a lovely time. Clara was with her Grandmama last night but we saved them some. Vampires don’t eat as much as Regular folks but when we do we tend to like more savory things and we always like cheese. Cheese rocks.

So happy Pi Day everyone and have fun.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman