Chuck the Elf (a holiday tradition)

This is one of my absolute favorite Christmas stories EVER – of ALL TIME. For a 6th year, I am honored to share a Christmas Story from my friend David. Prepare yourself for a real Christmas treat with this Holiday Classic! David’s work is featured in the WPaD anthologies. ~ Juliette

Chuck the Elf

By David X. Hunter

I was born in the Bronx way back in 1902.

St. Anne’s orphanage was the only home I ever knew till I went north years later. The place was crazy; a lotta little midgets running around makin’ a lotta noise. I guess I was one of ‘em, except I was no midget – I was an elf. I stayed in that place for 30 years until they figured out I wasn’t no kid! So I packed my shit up and hit the road. I joined the army for a while, got into some action at Omaha Beach even. After dat, I never trucked with the military much.

I joined the circus for a while – but the bearded lady and I didn’t get along. The fact was, I couldn’t stand life on the road livin’ wit all them freaks – I was longing for a fambly, if you get my meanin’.

One night, Christmas Eve if you gotta know – I was on the roof of my tenement building because my landlady didn’t like my cigar smoke. She always whiffed it through the vents and complained so I went up on the roof. I was feeling lonesome as hell too, wit the snow fallin’ and all streets quiet and empty. To be honest, I crawled out on the ledge. I was thinkin’ of just ending it. I was just a lowly Elf, livin’ off racetrack bets and scroungin’ for handouts.

I was a Bronx kid, though. I couldn’t do it. Plus, that street looked like it could hurt a guy real bad falling from dat height.

I went back on the roof and finished my stogie, lookin’ up at the twinklin’ snowy sky. It was damned cold. I never felt so bad in my whole life.

I saw sumpin’ then, over the East River. Looked like plane or some kinda flying object. I tracked it for a while and realized it was comin’ right towards me! I ran back and ducked behind a ventilator shaft.

I heard bells, and some guy yelling. I heard da soft thump of somethin’ landing.
Now don’t get me wrong – I ain’t no pansy or nuthin’ – but this was strange. I can deal with stormin’ a beachhead and all, but the unknown always unnerves me, y’know?

I peeked around the corner an I saw animals or somthin’, shakin’ snow off themselves. Everytime they did that, bells would jingle. There was some fat shmoe sittin’ in a red sled too. All of a sudden I hear my name!

“Charles! Charles! Come out from behind there!”

There was a silence as I was trying to figure out what to do.

“Who wants ta know?” I said after a while.

I peeked over my hiding spot and saw the lard-ass comin’ towards me. He was big – triple my size – but I figured if I bit his knee caps the odds would be evened out.
He stuck his head around the vent, and stared right at me.

“Charles! I found you!” he said. He had dis soppy smile on his face, what you could see of it anyway with that friggin’ large white beard.

“Listen Mack …” I started to say.

“Charles! You must come with me! You don’t belong here. You belong up at the North Pole with the others!”

I looked at dis guy and thought he was nuts. “You shittin’ me?”

He straightened up and crinkled his nose.

“I’m afraid I’m not! You are an Elf, of the elfus smallicus genus. All my staff up at the North Pole is comprised of Elves. You see, you were given up for adoption by mistake.”

I looked up at the guy, and I could see he was tellin’ da truth. Others like me? Elves? For true?

Dat was the one and only time I cried – at least since that time I pooped my pants back at the Orphanage and the sister swatted me a good one.

“Come! You can help me give out presents tonight, then we can take you home,” he said. He wedged his large ass back into the sled, and I followed. There wasn’t much space between his girth and all them sacks’a toys for me to sit, but I managed.

He tole me about his toy making racket and all the right-offs he got for it. Pretty slick, I had to agree. We shot up inna sky and I was dubious about them moose things haulin’ us up into the stratosphere and all, but they maintained a good speed, except for the turbulence which I didn’t care for.

All night long we delivered them friggin toys, all over the damned world, Australia, England, and places I never hoid of, like ‘Canada’. I was so tired by the end, I thought I’d collapse. But this guy, Santa, he had a mini bar in his sled and I had a few shots of whiskey. We delivered our last toy to some kid in Montana – a train set. We went down the chimney (I still couldn’t get over goin’ down them tings!). I was placin’ it under the tree when I heard a noise. I look over and see the kid peeking around the corner at me.

“Ain’t polite to stare, kid,” I said. “Murry Christmas.”

Da kid scampered off.

Not even ten minutes into our journey north I was out like a light.

So, I went to the North Pole. I met my mom! Saw all the udder elves like me. It was a happy homecoming, I gotta say. Still, I miss New York sometimes, even though I visit occasionally. I miss the smell of the Hudson, the rude people, the street vendors selling junk, Coney Island hot dogs, the racetrack, all of it. But it ain’t so bad up here; got lotsa snow, plenty of fresh air, and the pay is good. Made foreman a few years ago; I’m in charge of making them iPad thingies. Big responsibility. The uniforms could use some revamping, but y’can’t have everything, am I right?

I guess I didn’t do so bad after all, y’know?

The End

It’s a Holiday Hootenanny!

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It’s a Holiday Hootenanny! In this anthology, you will find Christmas stories and more. WPaD is proud to present our favorite fiction from holidays all year round, from Halloween to Arbor Day, ranging from sentimental to a bit on the dark side. An entertaining read for any season.

Now FREE or exceptionally low priced on Amazon.com

Get your copy today, read it, leave a review of any of our books and I’ll send you something nice (like a FREE poster) while supplies last.

Also NEW from WPAD: Weirder Tales.

Get the book. Be amazed at how good some of these stories are. Have fun. Get a free poster (offer applies on ALL WPaD Anthologies)

 

Weirder Tales

Weirder Tales – Now Available on Amazon and other fine online bookstores. Proceeds to to MS Research.

Happy Reading!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Get Your Own Strange Adventures in a Deviant Universe Poster

If you like well written science fiction you’ll like this. Believe me – this book is seriously good.

Strange Adventures in a Deviant Universe
(WPaD Science Fiction, #1)

  • A scientist struggles to find a cure for Alzheimer’s before the disease takes his mind…
  • Dolphins and whales work with their human trainers to terraform a new planet…
  • Artificial intelligence backfires on humanity when sex robots become sentient and demand rights…
  • A lost reptilian tries to find her way home…
  • Random items are disappearing in a small town and cats may be responsible…
  • What’s worse than being lost in space? Being lost in space with a crew of idiots…
  • A salvage crew lands on a deviant, yet disturbingly familiar planet…
  • A rogue space captain acquires a robotic pet with surprising abilities…
  • An injured soldier telepathically connects with his leader for rescue…
  • Humans evacuated from a doomed Earth colonize a new world… and learn nothing from the experience…

Enjoy these stories and more in a stellar science fiction collection from Writers, Poets and Deviants. Featuring the usual cast of deviants, with some fresh new faces joining the crew.

And YES, there are stories about CATS, aliens, romance, horror, and wow, the variety will blow you away. No, this is not a vampire book. No vampires but you’ll love it.

But Juliette HOW CAN I GET A FABULOUS POSTER?

Read Strange Adventures in a Deviant Universe – at least some of the stories, share your experience, even leave a review.

And in return get this beautiful poster of Strange Adventures in a Deviant Universe with artwork by Jason Kemp as a THANK you for reading, enjoying, and sharing what you think.

The 13 x 20 inch posters are printed on beautiful paper – ready to frame or in to your wall.

Note: While Supplies Last – We have a very limited amount of these great posters.

Strange Adventures in a Deviant Universe

Strange Adventures in a Deviant Universe – WPAD Science Fiction.

  1. Read the book.
  2. Tell me what your favorite story (stories, or poem) is in the comments HERE. The one exclusion is HOLLOW HEADS because it has already been posted on this blog in an earlier form. If you can’t leave a comment (because you don’t have a WordPress account etc. email me at juliettevampiremom@gmail dot com)
  3. Please leave an honest review where you purchased the book.  I hope you post a nice review, but be honest.
  4. I’ll let you know where you can SAFELY and privately leave your mailing address.
  5. See fine print below.

Links:

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Adventures-Deviant-Universe-Science-ebook/dp/B077CRDMBQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1513632519&sr=8-1&keywords=wpad+science+fiction

Kobo: https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/strange-adventures-in-a-deviant-universe

Barnes and Noble (B&N) Nook: https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Adventures-Deviant-Universe-Science-ebook/dp/B077CRDMBQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1513632519&sr=8-1&keywords=wpad+science+fiction

Barnes and Noble (B&N) Paperback: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/strange-adventures-in-a-deviant-universe-wpad/1127507803?ean=9781979745888

Read the Fine Print (RULES of Promotion):

  • The story Hollow Heads is not included in this give-a-way promotion, even if it is your favorite story. 
  • Poster and Book Mark are included.
  • While Supplies Last.
  • Posters will be shipped after January 20, 2018.
  • Your personal information will not be sold, given to, loaned to, or seen by ANYONE except me. Your email address and mailing information will remain PRIVATE.
  • There is a limited amount of printed posters. After they are gone I will send folks nice digital files they can print out at any size.

WPaD is the acronym for Writers, Poets and Deviants. We are a diverse group of writers who came together on the Internet to support and encourage each other.

Our collaborative works are charity fundraisers, with a percentage of royalties being donated to Multiple Sclerosis in support of members of our group who live with MS. WPaD books are available worldwide in paperback and ebook. For more information, please visit our website: http//wpad.weebly.com

To see more of Jason’s art at (J Harrison Kemp, Tenkara Studios) and contact information go to:

https://www.facebook.com/tenkarastudios/

https://tenkarastudios.weebly.com

Thank you. Have fun. Happy Reading. Dream to the stars and back!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Beautiful Science Fiction Pin-Up Poster (How to get yours)

Get this beautiful poster of Strange Adventures in a Deviant Universe with artwork by Jason Kemp as a THANK you for reading, enjoying, and sharing what you think.

The 13 x 20 inch posters are printed on beautiful paper – ready to frame or in to your wall.

Strange Adventures in a Deviant Universe

Strange Adventures in a Deviant Universe – WPAD Science Fiction.

  1. Read the book.
  2. Tell me what your favorite story (stories, or poem) is in the comments HERE. The one exclusion is HOLLOW HEADS because it has already been posted on this blog in an earlier form. If you can’t leave a comment (because you don’t have a WordPress account etc. email me at juliettevampiremom@gmail dot com)
  3. Please leave an honest review where you purchased the book.  I hope you post a nice review, but be honest.
  4. I’ll let you know where you can SAFELY and privately leave your mailing address.
  5. See fine print below.

Download on Barnes & Noble, Kobo, and Amazon only .99 through December 20, 2017

Overview:

Strange Adventures in a Deviant Universe
(WPaD Science Fiction, #1)

 

  • A scientist struggles to find a cure for Alzheimer’s before the disease takes his mind…
  • Dolphins and whales work with their human trainers to terraform a new planet…
  • Artificial intelligence backfires on humanity when sex robots become sentient and demand rights…
  • A lost reptilian tries to find her way home…
  • Random items are disappearing in a small town and cats may be responsible…
  • What’s worse than being lost in space? Being lost in space with a crew of idiots…
  • A salvage crew lands on a deviant, yet disturbingly familiar planet…
  • A rogue space captain acquires a robotic pet with surprising abilities…
  • An injured soldier telepathically connects with his leader for rescue…
  • Humans evacuated from a doomed Earth colonize a new world… and learn nothing from the experience…

Enjoy these stories and more in a stellar science fiction collection from Writers, Poets and Deviants. Featuring the usual cast of deviants, with some fresh new faces joining the crew.

And YES, there are stories about CATS, aliens, romance, horror, and wow, the variety will blow you away. 

Links:

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Adventures-Deviant-Universe-Science-ebook/dp/B077CRDMBQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1513632519&sr=8-1&keywords=wpad+science+fiction

Kobo: https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/strange-adventures-in-a-deviant-universe

Barnes and Noble (B&N) Nook: https://www.amazon.com/Strange-Adventures-Deviant-Universe-Science-ebook/dp/B077CRDMBQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1513632519&sr=8-1&keywords=wpad+science+fiction

Barnes and Noble (B&N) Paperback: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/strange-adventures-in-a-deviant-universe-wpad/1127507803?ean=9781979745888

Download on Kobo, Amazon and Barnes & Noble only .99 through December 20, 2017

Read the Fine Print:

  • The story Hollow Heads is not included in this give-a-way promotion, even if it is your favorite story.
  • Poster and Book Mark are included.
  • While Supplies Last.
  • Posters will be shipped after January 20, 2018.
  • Your information will not be sold, given to, loaned to, or seen by ANYONE except me. Your email address and mailing information will remain PRIVATE.

WPaD is the acronym for Writers, Poets and Deviants. We are a diverse group of writers who came together on the Internet to support and encourage each other.

Our collaborative works are charity fundraisers, with a percentage of royalties being donated to Multiple Sclerosis in support of members of our group who live with MS. WPaD books are available worldwide in paperback and ebook. For more information, please visit our website: http//wpad.weebly.com

To see more of Jason’s art at (J Harrison Kemp, Tenkara Studios) and contact information go to:

https://www.facebook.com/tenkarastudios/

https://tenkarastudios.weebly.com

Thank you. Have fun. Happy Reading. Dream to the stars and back!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

WPaD Anthologies

Check out these other WPaD Short Story Anthologies.

 

Chuck the Elf (Best Christmas Story Ever!)

I am honored to share a Christmas Story from my friend David. Prepare yourself for a real Christmas treat with this Holiday Classic! ~ Juliette

Chuck the Elf

By Davidus Hunter

I was born in the Bronx way back in 1902.

St. Anne’s orphanage was the only home I ever knew till I went north years later. The place was crazy; a lotta little midgets running around makin’ a lotta noise. I guess I was one of ‘em, except I was no midget – I was an elf. I stayed in that place for 30 years until they figured out I wasn’t no kid! So I packed my shit up and hit the road. I joined the army for a while, got into some action at Omaha Beach even. After dat, I never trucked with the military much.

I joined the circus for a while – but the bearded lady and I didn’t get along. The fact was, I couldn’t stand life on the road livin’ wit all them freaks – I was longing for a fambly, if you get my meanin’.

One night, Christmas Eve if you gotta know – I was on the roof of my tenement building because my landlady didn’t like my cigar smoke. She always whiffed it through the vents and complained so I went up on the roof. I was feeling lonesome as hell too, wit the snow fallin’ and all streets quiet and empty. To be honest, I crawled out on the ledge. I was thinkin’ of just ending it. I was just a lowly Elf, livin’ off racetrack bets and scroungin’ for handouts.

I was a Bronx kid, though. I couldn’t do it. Plus, that street looked like it could hurt a guy real bad falling from dat height.

I went back on the roof and finished my stogie, lookin’ up at the twinklin’ snowy sky. It was damned cold. I never felt so bad in my whole life.

I saw sumpin’ then, over the East River. Looked like plane or some kinda flying object. I tracked it for a while and realized it was comin’ right towards me! I ran back and ducked behind a ventilator shaft.

I heard bells, and some guy yelling. I heard da soft thump of somethin’ landing.
Now don’t get me wrong – I ain’t no pansy or nuthin’ – but this was strange. I can deal with stormin’ a beachhead and all, but the unknown always unnerves me, y’know?

I peeked around the corner an I saw animals or somthin’, shakin’ snow off themselves. Everytime they did that, bells would jingle. There was some fat shmoe sittin’ in a red sled too. All of a sudden I hear my name!

“Charles! Charles! Come out from behind there!”

There was a silence as I was trying to figure out what to do.

“Who wants ta know?” I said after a while.

I peeked over my hiding spot and saw the lard-ass comin’ towards me. He was big – triple my size – but I figured if I bit his knee caps the odds would be evened out.
He stuck his head around the vent, and stared right at me.

“Charles! I found you!” he said. He had dis soppy smile on his face, what you could see of it anyway with that friggin’ large white beard.

“Listen Mack …” I started to say.

“Charles! You must come with me! You don’t belong here. You belong up at the North Pole with the others!”

I looked at dis guy and thought he was nuts. “You shittin’ me?”

He straightened up and crinkled his nose.

“I’m afraid I’m not! You are an Elf, of the elfus smallicus genus. All my staff up at the North Pole is comprised of Elves. You see, you were given up for adoption by mistake.”

I looked up at the guy, and I could see he was tellin’ da truth. Others like me? Elves? For true?

Dat was the one and only time I cried – at least since that time I pooped my pants back at the Orphanage and the sister swatted me a good one.

“Come! You can help me give out presents tonight, then we can take you home,” he said. He wedged his large ass back into the sled, and I followed. There wasn’t much space between his girth and all them sacks’a toys for me to sit, but I managed.

He tole me about his toy making racket and all the right-offs he got for it. Pretty slick, I had to agree. We shot up inna sky and I was dubious about them moose things haulin’ us up into the stratosphere and all, but they maintained a good speed, except for the turbulence which I didn’t care for.

All night long we delivered them friggin toys, all over the damned world, Australia, England, and places I never hoid of, like ‘Canada’. I was so tired by the end, I thought I’d collapse. But this guy, Santa, he had a mini bar in his sled and I had a few shots of whiskey. We delivered our last toy to some kid in Montana – a train set. We went down the chimney (I still couldn’t get over goin’ down them tings!). I was placin’ it under the tree when I heard a noise. I look over and see the kid peeking around the corner at me.

“Ain’t polite to stare, kid,” I said. “Murry Christmas.”

Da kid scampered off.

Not even ten minutes into our journey north I was out like a light.

So, I went to the North Pole. I met my mom! Saw all the udder elves like me. It was a happy homecoming, I gotta say. Still, I miss New York sometimes, even though I visit occasionally. I miss the smell of the Hudson, the rude people, the street vendors selling junk, Coney Island hot dogs, the racetrack, all of it. But it ain’t so bad up here; got lotsa snow, plenty of fresh air, and the pay is good. Made foreman a few years ago; I’m in charge of making them iPad thingies. Big responsibility. The uniforms could use some revamping, but y’can’t have everything, am I right?

I guess I didn’t do so bad after all, y’know?

The End

________________

More from the master storyteller David X. Hunter’s can be found in the WPaD Anthologies, including our latest (available on Barnes & Noble, and Amazon) Strange Adventures in a Deviant Universe.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Strange Adventures in a Deviant Universe

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Coming soon… Strange Adventures in a Deviant Universe – WPAD Science Fiction.

From the creative minds of the members of WPaD (Writers, Poets, and Deviants) comes

Strange Adventures From A Deviant Universe

With stories from Michale Haberfelner, Marla Todd, Lea Anne Cutler, Mandy White, Diana Garcia, James Cooley, David X. Hunter, Jason Kemp, Debra Lamb, Samantha Nocera, James Turley, Chris Benedict, AND Skeet Beecham.

Cover by Jason Kemp

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Coming soon. Stand by for lift off (and cats.)

cat on mars

Proof of Life on Mars!