Etiquette with a Vampire

Etiquette with a Vampire

He gave me his best charming man smile and with an additional twinkle in his baby blue eyes he said, “Do that thing when you turn your eyes black.”

Things were perfect before my friend Jack knew I was a Vampire. Now every time I see him it is nothing but requests for paranormal parlor tricks.

So the last time he asked me to turn my eyes black I wanted to say, “Why don’t I do that thing where I rip your throat out?”

Instead I told him that I would engage in normal conversation, with the occasional question, but no more tricks. I took his warm hand into my cold hand. Then I looked into his baby blues and put the slightest bit of fear into his soul.

So you found out your friend/lover/family member is a Vampire. Of course you’re going to have a lot of questions. Of course you’re going to be insanely curious. Of course you’re going to be completely thrown off base on this one. Now what?

Be polite. Don’t ask too many questions. Try to relax and act normal.

For the most part Vampires are polite to a fault when dealing with Regular Humans. So be polite back, even if you’re scared out of your wits. Be polite even when the curiosity is eating you up like a Zombie in Bob’s Discount Brain Emporium.

My brother’s friend James has an 87-year-old parrot named Betsy. She yells things like, “go suck blood,” and “you’re already dead,” to anyone who walks by. Betsy also yells things like, “suck my ___,” (just fill in the blank,) and “nice ass fat boy.” James is obnoxious to say the least and not one of my favorite Vampires, but that brings me to a point, sort of.

James knows when and when not to push the limits of good behavior. And believe me, he pushes those limits every chance he gets.

When you find out someone is a Vampire, please don’t make references to anything written by Stephanie Meyers, Anne Rice, or Bram Stoker. In fact don’t make references to any Vampire books, movies, or TV series. Talking about Vampire books and movies with a Vampire is like, well, let me give you some examples. It is like finding out your friend is Jewish and telling him that your favorite musical is Fiddler on the Roof. It is like finding out someone is Gay and telling him that you  love Tennessee Williams and Divine. It is like telling a Priest you read the Exorcist before you saw the movie. Stop. Listen to yourself. Vampires don’t want to hear it.

Don’t be a Ren. That is a derogatory term we used for people who want to be our groupies. Ren comes from Renfield in the novel Dracula. As you recall he was a creepy insane guy who ate bugs, then small animals, then begged for humans, all in order to impress his master Dracula. Read the novel, Bram Stoker portrayed him brilliantly, but don’t talk to me about it every single time you see me. The point is that you don’t want to be some Vampire’s biggest fan. It won’t end well. Believe me. Contrary to popular fiction we don’t like creepy stalker types, or weird followers anymore than you do.

Along the same lines, but not as extreme, you don’t have to act like a Vampire if you’re going to hang out with one. Be yourself. You don’t have to wear black, or drink blood. Please don’t drink blood. That would be creepy even to a Vampire. A nice glass of wine or lemonade would be a better choice.

If you’re going to choose to be friends with a Vampire don’t make it obvious that you’re afraid or disapprove of his lifestyle. Wearing a cross, garlic clove earrings, silver necklaces, and other such talismans out in the open. Those things don’t work anyway and most Vampires find them juvenile and offensive when worn by a friend.

If you are feeling uncomfortable by all means discuss it with your Vampire, but refrain from raising your voice. Listen to your Vampire friend before you pass judgment. If you’re still uncomfortable then maybe it is time to let go of the friendship. Most Vampires understand.

Of course if you’re with a soulless Shadow Creeper you have every right to yell, or run or drag that stake out of your purse “just in case.” But don’t hang out with soulless Shadow Creepers.

As for the rest of us, those Vampires who choose to live in a normal modern society, we’re going to be polite to our human donors. We’re going to be a little bit formal at times. We might even make you a bit uncomfortable – but that is usually for your own good.

Don’t take a bite out of your friendship with a Vampire by asking her to show you her fangs. Remember, she’ll show you soon enough, if she hasn’t already.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman








Musings on Good Behavior and Time Well Spent

As the New Year approaches let us all make a resolution to be nice and civilized in 2015. We will also make a resolution to teach the teens and younger adults in our lives to do the same.

Good taste and manners is what differentiates us from those people who are considered somewhat lower than us on the evolutionary scale.

There are things we do not do.

  • Do not wear push up bras to the gym.
  • Do not try to dress sexy at the gym.
  • Do not bring babies to movie theaters.
  • Do not worry if someone ignores you at a party. Their existence doesn’t count.
  • Do not pay attention your cell phone while dining with others.
  • Do not pay attention to your cell phone while you are on a date or at a business meeting.
  • Do not let your dog sniff crotches. He can sniff dog butt but that is all.
  • Get your dog fixed.
  • Always show respect to your teachers (even if you do not like them). The rewards will be great.

This list could go on and on. It is just part of my chore as someone who writes about parenting young adults and scolding older adults.

Dear Vampires, you also have to mind your manners. Make it a goal in 2015 to follow proper etiquette.

  • Use proper hygiene. You’re a Vampire not a Zombie. Nobody likes to be around someone who smells dead. For that matter nobody likes to be around someone who looks dead. The same goes for Regular Humans and Werewolves.
  • Never be a bore. Nobody like to be around someone everyone wishes was dead.
  • Don’t talk in an Eastern European accent unless you are from Eastern Europe.
  • Be neat. Blood stains are a bitch to get out of carpets and clothing.
  • Age has nothing to do with maturity. Just because you’re 400 years old doesn’t give you the right to be an immature jerk.
  • Don’t be creepy.
  • Don’t lurk around.
  • Don’t stalk. If you like a girl just go up and say hello. Don’t stand by her bed late at night and stare at her.
  • Don’t take advantage of Regular Humans. Just take what you need and get out of there.
  • Always be polite and use good manners. You already know that you’re better than everyone else so act that way. And I don’t mean by being a snob.
  • Be a person everyone wants to be around. That way you’ll never go hungry.


I came home to finish up this post after going for a walk with my kids. We went about a mile away, away from the trees and the neighborhood to the local Starbucks. Along the way we talked. The subjects ran from over population, to religion, to manners, to dogs, to good friends, to relationships, to cities my lovelies would live in when they grow up and go out on their own. We saw the snow on the mountains in the distance and decided we’re in a pretty good place right now. But one day they will spread their wings and discover the world on their own. I told them about some of my hopes and dreams and things I almost did. They said I have an adventurous spirit. They were surprised by some of my youthful adventures and dreams. I still have dreams and plenty of adventures ahead of me. You have to. Everyone has to.

So to add to the list of things above, here are a few more:

  • Keep talking with your kids.
  • Listen to their dreams.
  • Keep having your own dreams.
  • Keep having your own adventures.
  • And don’t be afraid when your kids want to have adventures. Let them fly. Let them live their lives. They’ll be safe because you raised them right. I hope you raised them right.
  • Treasure your time with them. Treasure the small things. The walks, the talks over coffee, the time spent piled up on the couch together, the times watching funny dog videos or shopping or going to the local museum… all of the times. It all matters. It is all well spent.
  • Love well. Love a lot.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman