Etiquette with a Vampire

Etiquette with a Vampire

He gave me his best charming man smile and with an additional twinkle in his baby blue eyes he said, “Do that thing when you turn your eyes black.”

Things were perfect before my friend Jack knew I was a Vampire. Now every time I see him it is nothing but requests for paranormal parlor tricks.

So the last time he asked me to turn my eyes black I wanted to say, “Why don’t I do that thing where I rip your throat out?”

Instead I told him that I would engage in normal conversation, with the occasional question, but no more tricks. I took his warm hand into my cold hand. Then I looked into his baby blues and put the slightest bit of fear into his soul.

So you found out your friend/lover/family member is a Vampire. Of course you’re going to have a lot of questions. Of course you’re going to be insanely curious. Of course you’re going to be completely thrown off base on this one. Now what?

Be polite. Don’t ask too many questions. Try to relax and act normal.

For the most part Vampires are polite to a fault when dealing with Regular Humans. So be polite back, even if you’re scared out of your wits. Be polite even when the curiosity is eating you up like a Zombie in Bob’s Discount Brain Emporium.

My brother’s friend James has an 87-year-old parrot named Betsy. She yells things like, “go suck blood,” and “you’re already dead,” to anyone who walks by. Betsy also yells things like, “suck my ___,” (just fill in the blank,) and “nice ass fat boy.” James is obnoxious to say the least and not one of my favorite Vampires, but that brings me to a point, sort of.

James knows when and when not to push the limits of good behavior. And believe me, he pushes those limits every chance he gets.

When you find out someone is a Vampire, please don’t make references to anything written by Stephanie Meyers, Anne Rice, or Bram Stoker. In fact don’t make references to any Vampire books, movies, or TV series. Talking about Vampire books and movies with a Vampire is like, well, let me give you some examples. It is like finding out your friend is Jewish and telling him that your favorite musical is Fiddler on the Roof. It is like finding out someone is Gay and telling him that you  love Tennessee Williams and Divine. It is like telling a Priest you read the Exorcist before you saw the movie. Stop. Listen to yourself. Vampires don’t want to hear it.

Don’t be a Ren. That is a derogatory term we used for people who want to be our groupies. Ren comes from Renfield in the novel Dracula. As you recall he was a creepy insane guy who ate bugs, then small animals, then begged for humans, all in order to impress his master Dracula. Read the novel, Bram Stoker portrayed him brilliantly, but don’t talk to me about it every single time you see me. The point is that you don’t want to be some Vampire’s biggest fan. It won’t end well. Believe me. Contrary to popular fiction we don’t like creepy stalker types, or weird followers anymore than you do.

Along the same lines, but not as extreme, you don’t have to act like a Vampire if you’re going to hang out with one. Be yourself. You don’t have to wear black, or drink blood. Please don’t drink blood. That would be creepy even to a Vampire. A nice glass of wine or lemonade would be a better choice.

If you’re going to choose to be friends with a Vampire don’t make it obvious that you’re afraid or disapprove of his lifestyle. Wearing a cross, garlic clove earrings, silver necklaces, and other such talismans out in the open. Those things don’t work anyway and most Vampires find them juvenile and offensive when worn by a friend.

If you are feeling uncomfortable by all means discuss it with your Vampire, but refrain from raising your voice. Listen to your Vampire friend before you pass judgment. If you’re still uncomfortable then maybe it is time to let go of the friendship. Most Vampires understand.

Of course if you’re with a soulless Shadow Creeper you have every right to yell, or run or drag that stake out of your purse “just in case.” But don’t hang out with soulless Shadow Creepers.

As for the rest of us, those Vampires who choose to live in a normal modern society, we’re going to be polite to our human donors. We’re going to be a little bit formal at times. We might even make you a bit uncomfortable – but that is usually for your own good.

Don’t take a bite out of your friendship with a Vampire by asking her to show you her fangs. Remember, she’ll show you soon enough, if she hasn’t already.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman








5 thoughts on “Etiquette with a Vampire

  1. I’d better apologise in advance then. We could only ever meet up when I’m on holiday or on a day off, due to the whole my-being-a-nun-and-having-to-wear-the-community-cross thing. It’s quite a pretty cross, but it’s very definitely a cross, and if I’m in habit I kind of have to wear it. On the plus side, there’s no dead Jesus on our cross.


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