Etiquette with a Vampire

Etiquette with a Vampire

He gave me his best charming man smile and with an additional twinkle in his baby blue eyes he said, “Do that thing when you turn your eyes black.”

Things were perfect before my friend Jack knew I was a Vampire. Now every time I see him it is nothing but requests for paranormal parlor tricks.

So the last time he asked me to turn my eyes black I wanted to say, “Why don’t I do that thing where I rip your throat out?”

Instead I told him that I would engage in normal conversation, with the occasional question, but no more tricks. I took his warm hand into my cold hand. Then I looked into his baby blues and put the slightest bit of fear into his soul.

So you found out your friend/lover/family member is a Vampire. Of course you’re going to have a lot of questions. Of course you’re going to be insanely curious. Of course you’re going to be completely thrown off base on this one. Now what?

Be polite. Don’t ask too many questions. Try to relax and act normal.

For the most part Vampires are polite to a fault when dealing with Regular Humans. So be polite back, even if you’re scared out of your wits. Be polite even when the curiosity is eating you up like a Zombie in Bob’s Discount Brain Emporium.

My brother’s friend James has an 87-year-old parrot named Betsy. She yells things like, “go suck blood,” and “you’re already dead,” to anyone who walks by. Betsy also yells things like, “suck my ___,” (just fill in the blank,) and “nice ass fat boy.” James is obnoxious to say the least and not one of my favorite Vampires, but that brings me to a point, sort of.

James knows when and when not to push the limits of good behavior. And believe me, he pushes those limits every chance he gets.

When you find out someone is a Vampire, please don’t make references to anything written by Stephanie Meyers, Anne Rice, or Bram Stoker. In fact don’t make references to any Vampire books, movies, or TV series. Talking about Vampire books and movies with a Vampire is like, well, let me give you some examples. It is like finding out your friend is Jewish and telling him that your favorite musical is Fiddler on the Roof. It is like finding out someone is Gay and telling him that you  love Tennessee Williams and Divine. It is like telling a Priest you read the Exorcist before you saw the movie. Stop. Listen to yourself. Vampires don’t want to hear it.

Don’t be a Ren. That is a derogatory term we used for people who want to be our groupies. Ren comes from Renfield in the novel Dracula. As you recall he was a creepy insane guy who ate bugs, then small animals, then begged for humans, all in order to impress his master Dracula. Read the novel, Bram Stoker portrayed him brilliantly, but don’t talk to me about it every single time you see me. The point is that you don’t want to be some Vampire’s biggest fan. It won’t end well. Believe me. Contrary to popular fiction we don’t like creepy stalker types, or weird followers anymore than you do.

Along the same lines, but not as extreme, you don’t have to act like a Vampire if you’re going to hang out with one. Be yourself. You don’t have to wear black, or drink blood. Please don’t drink blood. That would be creepy even to a Vampire. A nice glass of wine or lemonade would be a better choice.

If you’re going to choose to be friends with a Vampire don’t make it obvious that you’re afraid or disapprove of his lifestyle. Wearing a cross, garlic clove earrings, silver necklaces, and other such talismans out in the open. Those things don’t work anyway and most Vampires find them juvenile and offensive when worn by a friend.

If you are feeling uncomfortable by all means discuss it with your Vampire, but refrain from raising your voice. Listen to your Vampire friend before you pass judgment. If you’re still uncomfortable then maybe it is time to let go of the friendship. Most Vampires understand.

Of course if you’re with a soulless Shadow Creeper you have every right to yell, or run or drag that stake out of your purse “just in case.” But don’t hang out with soulless Shadow Creepers.

As for the rest of us, those Vampires who choose to live in a normal modern society, we’re going to be polite to our human donors. We’re going to be a little bit formal at times. We might even make you a bit uncomfortable – but that is usually for your own good.

Don’t take a bite out of your friendship with a Vampire by asking her to show you her fangs. Remember, she’ll show you soon enough, if she hasn’t already.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From the City that Nevsky Sleeps

A Guest Post From My Dearest Vampire Friend Amelia

It was a Friday night in the city that never sleeps. No, not New York. Las Vegas. Land of glitter and sleaze, neon and nightclubs; where we’d just as soon blow up our old buildings than redecorate. Viva Las Vegas! It was early June 2011 and my friend had come for a much needed visit. For me. Juliette is kind that way. I get sad, she comes and visits. I’m not nearly as good a friend. But then it’s me that gets tired of the grind of life. Or rather death. Maybe I should look into a different line of work. Life as a contract worker for several dystopian bureaucrats takes its toll, eventually. Believe me. Everything you’ve seen in the movies about being someone whose job it is to terminate others with extreme prejudice? Make it 1,000 times more boring and 1,000 times more deadly. Even a vampire can get tired of slogging through the grind of tracking a difficult hit and then dealing with the gore when it doesn’t go quite as planned. Juliette understands I have my moments after a particularly difficult job. She always seems to have her head on straight. But she’s willing to blow off steam, hence her volunteering to come cheer me up and our subsequent trip down to The Strip.

I steered Juliette through the casino floor bar at the Cosmopolitan, up the steps to the private cocktail lounge on the third level of the Chandelier. The first floor is to die for beautiful and best for people watching but it was getting late and the normal Friday night crowd could pack it in. The second floor, just as lovely, is very small in my opinion and a little two conspicuous for two vampire lovelies looking for a nip. “White Russian or black Russian?”

“Black. You know I like my brunettes…” she answered with a laugh. I love Juliette’s laugh. It always makes me smile and God He knows, I need to smile more often.

“Just so you know, I’ve lined up a few delicious ex-pats I found on InterNations. Goodness, they’re eager to meet up. Oh, by the way, how is your Russian? I told them you were born in Warsaw to a Czech mother after she was raped by Soviet soldier during the Prague Spring invasion. But the father later repented and came back for you and your mother. You immigrated to California when you were four.”

“OH MY GOSH, you didn’t! You’re incorrigible, Amelia!” Again, that laugh.”No. I didn’t. I told them you’re a descendent of Alexander Nevsky and were willing to sell a few holy indulgences for their forgiven sins.”

“Not very likely on any count. Nevsky was a saint. No descendents. I’m not a Catholic priest so I pretty sure I’m not in a category to forgive any sort of sin and NEWSFLASH: indulgences haven’t been for sale for several centuries. Where HAVE you been hiding out?” She linked her arm in mine as she finished climbing the steps. “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll promise them something I’m sure we’ll all enjoy,” she added with a wicked smile and just a hint of fang. Now it was my turn to laugh.

“Добрый вечер, Анатолий Викторович. This is my friend Juliette,” I paused at the top of the stairs, greeting our first event for the evening.

~ Amelia

 

 

Thank you so much dear Amelia for this wonderful and flattering post. Now I laugh.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Now it is time for cocktails:

White Russian

2 parts Vodka

1 part Kahula

1 part heavy cream or half & half

Pour over ice, stir, enjoy.

 

Black Russian

2 parts Vodka

1 part Kahula

1 part heavy cream or half & half

Pour over ice, stir, enjoy. Add a cherry on top if you’re feeling extra festive.

Enjoy. Cheers!

 

Cheers!

Cheers!

California Squirrel

Hey – my squirrel is featured on a FAMOUS SQUIRREL BLOG. You can’t be a proper Vampire if you don’t appreciate your animal friends! Thanks Evil Squirrel.

Evil Squirrel's Nest

Greetings from NoCal! Greetings from NoCal!

You may have recalled I mentioned doing a little traveling this week, and I am indeed in slightly warmer Oklahoma this weekend where I experienced temps in the mid 60’s for the first time in over two months yesterday!  Of course, I’ll be driving home in the middle of a huge winter storm tomorrow, so that good fortune isn’t about to last.  Anyway, you may have also noticed I sqturday squirrel logoskipped out on my normal Tuesday and Friday posts as well.  Hey, something’s gotta give when you’re on vacation, right?  I promise to do better next week…

Well, I’m not about to forgo my weekly Saturday Squirrel, though I am going to turn the honor over to another of my wonderful blogging pals here on WordPress… the lovely Juliette from The Vampire Maman.  She sent me a couple pictures of the handsome fellow above sitting on her…

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Cold

Fingerless gloves

Of soft gray

Adorned with silver beads

That let me touch

Your cool skin

In the cold winter air.

 

Your lips are cold

But your neck is warm

As is your blood and soul

In the beautiful

Winter frost

And cold.

tree and snow

Having a Vampire friend makes everyday seem special – even on the coldest winter day.

Happy Holidays.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Lost and Found

lipsI was almost shaking I was so hungry. You know how it gets when you’re just light headed and your heart is hardly beating, but if you’re not a Vampire it might beat faster, but anyway, you know the feeling.

Arriving at Jack’s law office downtown I could hardly contain myself. It had been a while since I’d seen my old friend for a “lunch date.” Way too long. When I saw Jack I got him out of his jacket and shirt so fast I hardly realized what I was doing. Vampire fingers can fly over buttons like you wouldn’t believe. He took care of his tie and then his undershirt. He fell on the couch, I was in his lap, my mouth on his neck, my fangs in his skin. His eyes closed and a smile was on his face. I’d put him in his happy spot on a beach far far away with warm breezes and the sound of the waves crashing.

Crashing. The door flew open and someone yelled. Jack tried to stand, I let go and there was blood everywhere.

His partner (in his law firm)  Owen had come into the room, thinking something was going on. There was something but it wasn’t what he thought it was.

Owen was yelling but I didn’t listen. Now Owen, is a big guy – a former football player, maybe a tad under six and a half feet. And he is loud.

“Quick,” I hissed putting my right hand on Jack’s bleeding neck and holding out my other hand. He came close. I grabbed his wrist and looked him in the eye. “Forget you saw anything. It was nothing. Sleep.” He slumped to the floor. I put my mouth back on Jack’s neck and stopped the bleeding.

Fortunately Jack keeps a spare shirt or two in his office closet and a spare suit (in case he has to go to court on a more casual day). I ended up leaving wearing one of his white dress shirts over my own navy blue slacks. My blouse was soaked with blood along with my hair. Jack and I cleaned up in the bathroom.

“I’m so sorry.” I was. This sort of thing is so rare and completely threw me off.

Jack held me close and kissed me on the top of the head. “Don’t be.”

“It has been a long time since I’ve almost bled out a donor.”

“A donor? Interesting term.”

“Don’t take it wrong. You’re first and foremost my friend. I mean that.”

“I can feel your heart beating. Now that is something different.”

I backed away. “I have to go.”

“Will I see you and Teddy at the Halloween party this weekend?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it. We’re coming as Vampires. Fancy that.”

He took my hand and pulled me back and wrapped his arms around me. Stroking my face Jack whispered “You’re so cold. Sometimes I can’t believe you’re real.” He looked in my eyes. I wanted to break his gaze and turn away but I was trapped. His mouth met mine in a kiss, that was more than just friends.

I pushed away and gasped as if I’d been drowning. “I’m not like you. I never was. I never will be. I’m your worst nightmare.”

“Then go to bed with me.”

“I’ll kill you,” I gasped, hardly able to take in a breath. It wasn’t a threat, just a statement of a possibility.

We stood looking at each other. He has a small smile on his face. I was the horrified one.

Then he picked up a box off of his desk. “This is for you. Happy Birthday Juliette. 154 is it?”

I cautiously opened the package. Unwrapping the tissue paper I found a doll, about 8 inches long. She was made of China. Her black hair was painted on, contrasting to her white face. The pale blue dress was thin with age. I’d had a doll just like her when I was a child.

“Look on the back of her neck,” said Jack.

On the back were the initials in child like letters JAT. I’d written my initials on her so many years ago. She was my doll. I’d lost her so many many years ago.

Jack stepped closer again. “I found her in an antique store. I had a feeling she might have been yours.”

My heart stopped. Literally it stopped, as Vampire hearts sometimes do when we’re overwhelmed with emotion. Then it started up again.

“Thank you Jack. Oh my goodness, I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”

He took another step closer. “I love you Juliette.”

My heart stopped again and I kissed him again and left him, standing with a smile on his face and an icy chill in the air, even though it was 75 degrees outside.

“No you don’t.” I said as I hit the sunlight that burned my eyes and caused me to feel ill. I stepped back into the dark shadow of the building and took a deep breath. “Damn you Jack. You’re going to ruin everything.”

I pulled out my phone and called my husband Teddy. He was quiet on the line when I told him what happened.

Teddy gave a quiet laugh then said, “It isn’t like this is the first or the last time this has happened to you. I think every guy who ever found out you were a Vampire fell in love with you and then some. It happens to me at least once a week. They can’t resist us dear.”

“I know, but…”

“I was with Jack when he found the doll. I remembered you carrying her around when you were small.”

I almost started to cry at that point. “I love you Teddy.”

“I love you too. Don’t worry about Jack. He’ll be fine. He’s a good friend. Just give him time to get used to the whole Vampire thing. What has it been? Six months since he found out we were Vampires? His wife has always known, but I went through the same thing with her but in triplicate. It’s ok darling. Everything is ok.”

And Teddy is right. Everything is ok, but sometimes the shadows get in the way and we just have to trust ourselves.

Things were easier a long time ago when the world wasn’t going so fast and we didn’t have so much on our minds. I’m not saying it was any better, but it was different. It was easier to be a Vampire.

And sometimes things just get weird – and that isn’t exclusive to Vampires. It gets weird for everyone. But that’s ok too as long as we continue to love and learn and think with both our hearts and our heads.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

doll

Taking Care of Our Elders – Vampire Style

We’re drove out to the old farmhouse where Tellias and Eleora live. About twice a month Teddy (my husband) and I pack the kids into the car and check up on them.

They’re ancients. Nobody really knows how old they are. They are fragile and need help. They don’t have a family. It is just the two of them.

When we drove up, just before dawn, they came to the door to greet me, thrilled to see a carload of their young Vampire friends.

Tellias was wearing an old workshirt that looked like something a guy working in a garage would wear. The name Greg was stitched on it. Eleora wore some horrible looking flowered dress with a stretched out brown sweater. She had on yellow flip flops that had seen better days.

They both looked pale and malnourished.

“Are you two eating anything at all?” I asked as Teddy took the large cooler to the kitchen.

They told me that their car wasn’t running but it was an excuse. The car was almost new but I was sure they’d forgotten to put gas in it or more likely lost the keys.

I unpacked provisions in the kitchen. They huddled around me touching my back and arms, then stroking my face.

“How long since anyone has been to see you?” I asked.

“Not since you were here. Nobody sees us anymore.” Eleora looked at me with sad round eyes.

“What happened to your clothes?” I asked, almost afraid for an answer.

“Someone stole them. We can’t get to our storage unit or the other houses.” Eleora shifting her feet, knowing I knew she was telling a lie.

“Who stole them? Did you let someone in the house?” I asked.

“We were out trying to hunt.” Tellias said putting his head down, trying to avoid my stare. I suspected they’d gone down to the river to find homeless people and transients to hunt and someone followed them home.

They were two of the oldest vampires I knew, over 2,000 years old. Treasures, but like the elderly of all kinds, they are often forgotten, especially those without children. Soon they fall apart like the past civilizations they lived in.

They both look, at first, like they are 19 or 20 years old. He has pale blonde hair and blue eyes. She is a golden eyed girl with reddish brown curls. They are slight with almost translucent skin.

They used to have a working farm with hired workers but now they leased out the farmland. The two acres around the house were kept up with a gardening service, but nobody was watching the residents. They’d been in and out of Vampire comas for years. They’d lost their confidence. I was afraid they’d lost their hunting skills.

These two were never the fierce Vampires of old tales and modern stories. They were always timid and always got by the best they could by hiding in the shadows and keeping out of sight. They were so sweet and good-hearted that it almost killed me to think of anything bad happening to them.

Teddy came into the room and gave Eleora a gentle hug. “We need to get the two of you better.”

They were slightly out of touch, unhealthy and frightened. It was obvious Tellias was depressed. They were prime targets for Vampire Hunters.

The ancients were glad the children were over. They always fussed over them and told them tales of long lost civilizations that no longer existed and were not yet discovered by historians and treasure hunters.

“We have to move them into town.” Teddy told me where the other’s couldn’t hear.

We dined on blood in beautiful crystal goblets the couple had purchased in the 1870’s when they first built the farmhouse. We talked of friends and relatives and the future.

I didn’t want to leave them. But I’d see them soon. I’m going to get them new clothes and find the keys to the car, and move them into the 21st Century where they belong.

Our elder folks are our treasures. We should all love and take care of those we have, both family and elderly friends who often have no family. You’re never too old for love, or friends or living life.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman