Hey Mom, have you ever converted anyone into a Vampire?

Hey Mom, have you ever converted anyone into a vampire?

Well, um, as a matter a fact…

As a vampire parent, that question is almost as bad as your kids asking you about sex, or more YOUR past sex life. Or worse, asking if you killed a regular human or anyone else before. With vampires the whole conversion thing is a touchy subject.

Unlike popular movies and books, we rarely convert anyone.

Like I’ve told my son before…

“Here are the facts. 80 percent of vampire conversions end in death. Of those 80 percent who die, about 20 percent are immediate deaths.  Those are the lucky ones. The remaining die insanely painful deaths within two weeks.

Of the remaining 20 percent who live, let’s say we started with a sample of 100. So 20 who are converted survive the first two weeks. They have survived Hell. It isn’t about sucking blood, it is about having your entire body chemistry and DNA structure change. It is a genetic engineering miracle and a nightmare.

Out of the 20 who survive, at least 10 will go mad. Some will commit suicide. Some will refuse to feed, go into a coma and die. Some will linger for years hurting themselves and everyone around them. I’ve told you about the damaged crazy ones. Do you want me to take you to see one? It’s worse than any strung out or insane human you’ll ever meet. Would you do that to a friend?”

So again, here are the facts, again:

  • About 80% of the time it kills the person we’re trying to convert.
  • Out of the ones who survive the conversion only about half of those last another 50 years. Many choose to take their own lives or go insane. It isn’t easy being a vampire convert.
  • People don’t want to become vampires (beats me why they don’t, but I suppose on a certain level I can understand why). They don’t want to be changed to what amounts to being a different species of human.
  • We don’t want THEM to become vampires. I swear, they’d ruin it for us just like they ruin just about everything else. Don’t get me wrong. I’m married to someone who used to be a regular human. He is an amazing vampire – but he was an amazing man to start with.
  • Just remember that if you’re an asshole as a vampire, you’ll be even more of one as a vampire (so we really don’t want to convert you).

So we’re sitting on the deck enjoying the summer air and the last pink wisps of sunset through the oak trees (my husband Teddy, Garrett aged 16 and Clara aged 13 in a few days), and Garrett says, “OK if we don’t convert people into vampires, no offense dad, what about that couple of new converts who are going to stay with us for the next month?”

Teddy spoke first. “Your mom and I had nothing to do with the conversion, but since I’m a converted vampire the Circle calls on my from time to time to help out new vampires.”

“Your dad is an expert in the field. Even if he wasn’t a convert he is extremely good with new vampires.”

“Your mother is as well.” My darling husband added.

The kids knew most of the story about these two converts. They were a couple in their early 30’s, married with no children. They knew vampires and grew up with vampires, but they didn’t quite understand WHY their friends were so different. But they loved their friends and would do anything for them.  As professionals in their fields (more on that in a different post) they were successful and smart urban professionals. While on a drive home from a weekend on the Northern California Coast visiting vampire friends the were run off the road by someone (we suspect vampire hunters) and their car plunged hundreds of feet onto the rocks and into the surf. In order to save the young couple from death their vampire friends made a tough choice and converted them. It wasn’t pretty. It never is. But now, 8 months later, the young vampire couple are ready to go make their way out into the real world as vampires.

So Clara asked again “You never answer us?”

“Answer what?” I asked.

“Have you or dad ever converted anyone into a vampire?” asked Garrett.

It was one of those lady or the tiger, damned if you do, damned if you don’t moments.

“Yes.” said Teddy. “It isn’t anything either one of us take lightly. It weighs on the vampire soul like a painful wound that never goes away.”

“Aren’t you being a little dramatic Dad?” said Garrett while his sister gave her dad an “Oh please…” look, as only teenage girls can do.

“No, I’m not. Take it seriously. If not it could lead to your own death.”

“OK, fine, I get it.” said Garrett.

“Do you Garrett?” said his father.

“Yes, I do.” said the boy.

“We’ll talk about it more later. It’s late and we’re all tired. But it happens to all of us sooner or later. It isn’t something we can take lightly.” I said.

“Who are they?” asked Claire.

” I converted my friend Bernadette. There was a few others as well.”

“Aunt Bernie was a regular human?” said Garrett. “Shit I would have never guessed.”

“Language.” said Teddy.

“Whoops, sorry dad.”

“There are a few others, we’ll talk more later, before our guests get here.” I said.

So the conversation has started. As long as we’re open and honest with our vampire teens they won’t do anything stupid. It was a stupid teen who converted and almost killed Teddy, so we know first hand the dangers of stupidity and ignorance in teens about the subject.

But alas, Vampire Maman is dead tired. More on this in the next day or two. Let me know how you deal with your teens.

For past postings on this subject click here.

And here: Dreams of Desire – Once Like You




  1. i have always wonderd about vampires when i was so little i had this……might seem weird but dreams about vampires way before i knew about them.

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