Don’t ask me…Vampire Fun and Games

My phone made a meowing sound. That’s my brother Aaron’s ringtone.

“Hello,” I said. I wondered what he wanted.

“Juliette, how’s it going?”

“I’m not crawling under any houses or going into any basements for you.”

“Why would you say that?”

“Because whenever you have to get rid of, or otherwise deal with dried up musty old Shadow Creeping Vampires you call me to do it for you.”

“Juliette…”

“Isn’t that what you have your Vampire Hunter for?”

“I’m not going to ask you to kill anything. Well, not technically. You know what I’m asking. You and Val are the best. He’s on his way over right now.”

“Does Val know what you want Aaron?”

“No, I neglected to tell him.”

This reminded me of an event a few months ago. One of my daughter’s good friends from High School started sending her fervent religious materials and calling her about church events and sin and it was strong and negative. My child was offended and told her friend that she was offended and then told him to never call her again. He was such a nice kid. I’d hoped they’d stay friends.

So when my brother Aaron calls me to do something I’d never ask my kids to do I sort of cringe. There are some things I did in my past, with and without my brothers, that I would never want my children to do.

One of those things is converting regular people into Vampires. And the worst thing about it is that my brother Val and I are the best. Yeah, I don’t talk about that a lot on this blog, you know the whole Vampire thing.

We’re the youngest two of five siblings. Val and I are little more than a year apart. Aaron is five years older than me. Then there are the two older brothers who are eight and ten years older than me. I don’t want to get them involved with this at all because one knows everything and can be a real asshole and control freak. The other is just, well weird and always defers to the eldest when things turn stressful. Either that or he’ll tune out and find some back door to sneak out of.

Our brother Aaron is smack in the middle. I’d like to smack him right now.

Then he said, “Do you mind stopping for coffee on the way?” Then he proceeded to give me an order for six different cups. It made me wonder who would be there.

“Do you want any pastries?” I had to ask in my most snarky voice.

“Very funny. Just get here soon baby sister,” he said. Vampires don’t eat pastries. I wish we did but we don’t.

So to make a long story short I showed up at the Victorian house we all still own in the middle of downtown.

A thirty something couple greeted us. Aaron claimed he’d known them for a while. They’d been thoroughly vetted. He thought they’d be good Vampires. Whatever. I knew I’d be the one who’d end up helping them through the transition.

My great great great great grandmama Lola was there as well. She was uncharacteristically quiet. On the other hand she looked quiet lovely in a flowered sundress covered by a denim jacket. At six hundred and seventy five years she still looks like a twenty six year old young woman. Val and I kissed her cool cheeks and thanked her for being there. You know, just in case. God only knows (or maybe not) how many Vampires she has brought into the world.

Val and I asked the obligatory questions. Do you understand that you’ll be dead for short time before we bring you back. Do you know there is a risk of losing your soul? Do you understand what it means if you lost your soul? Do you know there is a huge risk death, as in final death? Do you understand that you will need to consume human blood to survive? Do you understand that you will have to actually bite into a live human body every once in a while? Do you understand that you will outlive everyone you know? Do you understand that once you become a Vampire you will not be immortal? You can die. Someone can kill you. You can suddenly die for no reason as well. Do you understand that this can’t be undone? Do you understand that once you become a Vampire you will ALWAYS be a Vampire?

I didn’t ask, “Have you lost your fucking mind?”

There was more but I won’t go into that right now. Actually there is one more item that Aaron, Val, and I stressed more than the other points. “Do you understand that if you tell anyone, or show anyone what you have become that you will die in an extremely unpleasant way.” That is one of the ugly points of being a Vampire that I don’t cover on my nice humorous feel good parenting blog. We don’t take blabber mouths lightly.

“Want to go to Target with me when we’re done here?” I asked Val.

“Sure,” he said. “I need shampoo.”

“I hear you’ve never lost anyone,” the woman said to me. “How many have you converted?”

“How many Vampires have I made?” I glanced at Val. “A lot.”

Val just smiled. Asking a Vampire how many people they’ve turned into Vampires is like asking someone how many sexual partners they’ve had. It is something you just don’t ask anyone.

Then we did what needed to be done. Lola had agreed to stay for a week to help with the transition. It isn’t easy. It isn’t pretty. Aaron was going to stay at least for a few days, but he lives walking distance away so it isn’t a big deal.

I watched him as he took off his Hermes tie and rolled up the sleeves of his custom made shirt. Always the best dressed Vampire in the room. I love Aaron but I wish he’d occasionally relax (and I don’t mean just rolling up sleeves.)

Val and I ended up finding a dark neighborhood bar and sat for a while doing shots of tequila. We talked about our three elder siblings. It wasn’t all bad. A lot of it was. At least they respected us for our talents.

Then we wandered around Target for about two hours laughing and filling our basket full of all kinds of fun stuff. My kids would have been proud of us, just because of how much fun we were having.

And now I’m home with nobody but my cats and a dog. The husband and still at home child are away. The other child is living far far away. OK, only about six hours away but that is really far if you’re a mom.

I’m not even sure that I’ll tell them what I did today. They won’t approve, or they’ll have questions I don’t want to answer. Everyone has strong opinions on the matter. Vampire families are like all others – we all have strong opinions.

So that was my day. I’m tired and… sometimes when you’re a mom you just don’t need to be bugged. And sometimes when you’re a mom you just want to smile and listen as your family gathers around in the evening and forget your day. Even if you’re a Vampire.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Juliette by the window

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: How can I tell if my girlfriend is a Vampire? Class Reunions. And other timely matters.

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire) is a semi-regular feature here at Vampiremaman.com

If you have a question about anything, including, but not restricted to relationships, parenting, Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts, cooking, gardening, travel, roller skating or anything you have a burning question about just ask. Send your questions to juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com. Or just put your question in the comments.

Dear Juliette,

I think my girlfriend might be a Vampire. Lately her habits have changed for the extreme. Her diet has recently become extremely restrictive, she is gone most nights, she started to wear more black, she looks better and is in better shape than she ever has, and she have become kind of snappy with me. I asked her about it and she said she found out she is diabetic. I don’t buy it. How can I tell if she is a Vampire? 

If your girlfriend did turn into a Vampire she would have been deathly ill before she got better. It isn’t an easy process to convert. 

Here are a few signs if she is indeed a Vampire.

  • Cooler body temperature. 
  • Restricted diet.
  • An increase to sensitivity to the sun.
  • Quick healing of wounds.
  • Little or no physical aging.
  • Often a show of fangs when angry.
  • The ability to see in the dark.
  • The ability to put someone else into a trance.

I don’t believe your girlfriend is a Vampire. More than likely she has changed her diet for health reasons, and is going to the gym at night. Or she is cheating on you. Or going to the gym at night AND cheating on you.

Dear Juliette,

Can Vampires have babies or does one have to be bitten by a Vampire and convert? Can Vampires and Werewolves have babies? Can humans and Vampires have babies.

Yes, Vampires can have their own biological children the old fashioned way, but only with other Vampires, and it is extremely rare. They don’t have offspring with regular human folks, and not with Werewolves, and not with Demons, Fallen Angels, or anybody who is not a Vampire. 

Dear Juliette,

I want to become a Vampire. Can you help.

No. Please don’t ask me again.

Dear Juliette,

How does one turn into a Vampire?

Do you honestly think I’d tell you, a stranger, on this blog where thousands and thousands of people could read it? Seriously?

Dear Juliette,

I read the post about Nigel the Ghost and his class reunion. It got me thinking… I have my 30th class reunion coming up. What should I wear?

Thanks for reading my last post.

Good question. A class reunion is a time to show some class. Wear something you are comfortable in, yet flattering. Make sure whatever you wear fits correctly. Don’t try to squeeze into something too tight. In turn don’t wear something that fits you like a tent. A class reunion, especially after the ten year point, is not a time to try to be sexy. An attempt at being a hot mama will only make you look older and pathetic. Everyone WILL talk about you behind your back and not in a good way. But if you want to do something special like getting your make-up or nails done then go for it. If you feel good, you’ll look good. 

And guys, at least wear a button down shirt. A tie is always nice. Wear an undershirt. Nobody wants to see your chest hair or nipples. NOBODY. Skip the gold chains and over the top guy bling. 

Dear Juliette,

My 20th class reunion is coming up. Many of my classmates have spoken about their faith based lives and conservative values. At the same time about a dozen classmates have come out and are bringing their same-sex spouses. Should I tell people to be nice?

Some people, religious or not, are just assholes. Show support to the LBGT classmates. If you haven’t walked in their shoes you have no idea at what they have gone through to be accepted, and have the right to be married to the people they love. If anyone has a problem with that it is THEIR problem – and they are jerks. Not all faith based people have problems with someone being LBGT. In fact, most of my LBGT friends are people of faith. You asked, and I’m telling you what I think. 

 

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Thanks for dropping by. If you have a pressing question you know where to ask.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey Mom, have you ever converted anyone into a Vampire?

As of this month I’ve been blogging for five years, in April it will be five years for Vampiremaman.com (West Coast Review came first.) To celebrate, if you wish to call it that, I’m going to bring you a few of my classic posts from the early days. This one is for all of the Vampire parents out there. And for everyone else out there, do me a favor and do not ask me to convert you to a Vampire because the answer will AWAYS be NO. 

 

readbyvampires

 

Vampire Maman

Hey Mom, have you ever converted anyone into a vampire?

Well, um, as a matter a fact…

As a vampire parent, that question is almost as bad as your kids asking you about sex, or more YOUR past sex life. Or worse, asking if you killed a regular human or anyone else before. With vampires the whole conversion thing is a touchy subject.

Unlike popular movies and books, we rarely convert anyone.

Like I’ve told my son before…

“Here are the facts. 80 percent of vampire conversions end in death. Of those 80 percent who die, about 20 percent are immediate deaths.  Those are the lucky ones. The remaining die insanely painful deaths within two weeks.

Of the remaining 20 percent who live, let’s say we started with a sample of 100. So 20 who are converted survive the first two weeks. They have survived Hell. It isn’t about sucking…

View original post 864 more words

You too can join the ranks of the undead.

Oh my

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This one was too good to keep to myself.

And it is “do it yourself” no less.

Yes, I know this is a silly thing for kids who are monster fans (from the 70’s) but it ties into this blog.

I get a lot of people visiting my blog wanting to know how they can become a Vampire. Oh boy.

It isn’t a simple answer. You can be born into it (which is rare) or you can have someone, preferably a friend, turn you into a Vampire.

If anything goes wrong, and it usually does, you could either lose your life, or worse lose your soul.

Yes, close 90% of Vampire conversions are failures. Seriously. I kid you not.

If it works you don’t just wake up one night and say to yourself, “blood for breakfast sounds good.” No, it isn’t that easy. It is a slow, horrible, painful process, and that is if you get someone with natural talent and expertise (like me) to convert you.

Then once you get converted, with your soul more or less intact (but changed), and a shadow soul, the adjustment begins. No more donuts. Think of yourself on the strictest diabetic diet ever created. You’re cold to the touch. You can go out during the day but your light sensitivity is extreme. You’re clueless.

How are you going to get blood out of someone without making a mess?  How do you know how much to take without killing your donor? The clueless part is the worst. Other than that it isn’t a bad gig, but … there are so many moral and ethical issues involved. This isn’t weird guys in opera capes surrounded by beautiful women. This is regular life among the undead, in jeans and sweaters, and socks that don’t match (we too have to clean cat boxes.)

If you’re lucky, someone, a more experienced Vampire, will be assigned to help you out. Hope you’re lucky or you won’t last long.

And to be perfectly honest with you, I don’t want everyone becoming Vampires. It is something special. It is our world. The warm blooded folks have their own world and own insanity.

Anyway, that is it for today. I just thought the ad was funny and wanted to share.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Ask Juliette: Stupid Vampire Questions

Dear Juliette – Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone

Dear Readers,

I frequently get messages from readers asking me to do one of the following:

  • Turn them into a Vampire.
  • Tell them how I would turn someone else into a Vampire.
  • Or if I could point them in the direction of someone who would turn them into a Vampire.

This line of questioning puts me in an awkward position. Like explicit sex, and my personal religious beliefs,  I tend to avoid discussing the whole conversion process.

There are times when I do discuss it in context of a blog post, especially when I’m discussing helping someone who has just become a Vampire, but don’t expect details of the actual process. It isn’t something I discuss in public.

~ Juliette

 

vswirl2

Dear Juliette,

If I become a Vampire when I’m seventeen can I go to high school forever?

~ Endless Youth

 

Dear Endless Youth,

That would be exceptionally creepy. The Modern Vampire community looks down on that kind of behavior.

~ Juliette

vswirl2

 

Dear Juliette,

What is your favorite Vampire movie?

~ Film Boy

 

Dear Film Boy,

I’m not a big fan of Vampire movies, but I love “What We Do In The Shadows.” I absolutely love this movie.

~ Juliette

 

Dear Juliette,

Would you introduce me to your brother Max or Vlad the Vampire King. I think they’re both HOT.

~ Hot blooded Chick

 

Dear Hot Blooded,

No.

~ Juliette

v_swirl

 

OK, this was a throw away week of questions.

As Juliette is a regular Thursday Feature on Vampire Maman.

If you have a burning question about parenting, relationships, gardening, paranormal stuff, cats, life, the universe, and everything, or anything else, send your questions to juliettevampiremom (at) gmail (dot com).

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Vampire Teen

 

 

So you want to know how someone gets turned into a Vampire…

My readers frequently ask me how one gets turned into a Vampire. If it was that easy we’d all be Vampires. But it isn’t easy. And the answer is always no. Always no. Always. And if we were all Vampires we’d starve to death.

By the way, the most common search terms that lead people to this blog are about converting into a Vampire.

Converting anyone into anything, be it a paranormal being (I hate that term but people understand the jest of it), or a religion, or a political party or whatever is sometimes a bit unsavory. The only conversion I ever want to think of is my conversion oven.

So, how about those Vampires?

I was born into this. My husband was converted against his will. My friend Cody was converted in order to save his life. My sister-in-law Verity wanted it and asked for it, as did so many of my friends.

No, I don’t have anything to say about that. It is what it is.

Only about 10% of people who go through a Vampire conversion survive in tact, that is with their soul. By that I mean they are still there. They aren’t just a body that feeds on blood and feels more or less nothing. A husk. A shell. About 5% end up as soulless husks. You don’t want to take that chance. The rest are gone. Dead. Really dead. Eight feet under dead.

Within the Vampire population we have many different cultures. Alright, maybe half a dozen, but that is a lot for our small population. Due to the fact that we are around for such a long time the cultures vary depending on who wants to stay stagnant in a past century (more or less.) Yes, that sounds like some regular humans who want to stay stuck in the past (hooray for the Black Death, bigotry, and intolerance.)

Like many we (Vampires) are private. I believe a lot things that are flapped out in public like so many ugly garish flags should be private. Even some of the beautiful things should be kept private.

With a culture that cares what some asshole with 19 kids is doing, or how big Kim’s ass is, or anything about Miley’s tits or tongue are doing… I just wish they’d all go away or just shut the fuck up. What I’m trying to say is that we need more privacy and mystery – in our personal lives. With everything out in the open everything just explodes into misinformation about how things should be – especially when it comes to our young people.

Conspiracy theories and hoax mongers multiply and thrive. Truth and reason play a close second. Attention whores get media coverage in the name of religion and politics. They are dangerous. They are evil. They will undermine civilization faster than any Zombie attack.

Vampires are not the evil ones. Do not question my soul. I might take blood, but I will never drain you dry or replace your blood with poison.

But back to conversion. No. If you have to ask it isn’t going to happen – at least not to you.

 

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman