We’re more like you than they are.

As Vampires we can genuinely say we are like you, or that we were once like you. We live in your neighborhoods. Our kids go to school with yours. We see you late at night at the liquor store. We say hello to you as we walk our dogs. You don’t know we’re Vampires, but we’re there, cold and comforting, as your neighbors and friends.

I bring this up because all over the country, both locally and nationally, humans are running for various political offices. On every level it is a regular haunted house, mixed with the most disturbing of freak shows. Where is Peter Cushing? We need him to come in as Van Helsing and save the day. OK maybe that was a bad example, considering I’m talking about why you are more like me (a Vampire), than say, the creatures running for President (and other offices.)

Unlike most people you know these people running for office speak in shouting voices. They spew insults. They drone on like backwoods preachers with rattle snakes and the fear of God in their souls. But even the most in touch politician talks in that weird way. I don’t get it. Ted Talk speakers don’t yell that way. When you go to hear your favorite author, college professor, or even business leaders talk – they don’t speak that way.

Some among those running for office, and their families have faces like slick death masks frozen with Botox and fillers. Kristen Stewart showed more expression in Twilight than these odd-looking beings who fear their faces will crack if they laugh or have a genuine smile. At least the actress who played Bella (who loved the creepy sparkly Vampire) can smile a like a normal human.

“I might be undead,” said my friend Jayne, “but at least I don’t look embalmed.”

From local to national politics I’d like to see them all wear masks at their debates like the Twilight Zone episode. At the end of the debate they all remove their masks and we’ll see who keeps his own face and who resembles the horrific mask he hides behind.

Those who run for office and their spouses beg for privacy, but they shout “look at me, look at me.” Like little children they get angry when you miss one of their tricks, and fail to clap and shower them with excited praise.

Some of them are like the half-grown boy who yells, “watch this” as he jumps off the cliff and breaks his neck. It amazes me that some of them fail to think about the fact that they are in the public eye, then they give us the best deer-in-the-headlights look when they’re caught behaving badly.

How often than not are they taking money that isn’t theirs to take. How often is one cheating on a spouse, or taking advantage of a young man or woman – all the while talking loudly of high morals, God, and family values.

There are so many ways they aren’t like real people. They’re weird and creepy in ways even Vampires can’t imagine.

They don’t drive. Seriously, a lot of them never drive.

They’re obsessed with the sex lives of others.

They’re obsessed with where people pee.

They’re obsessed with a brand of religion that most people don’t relate to.

None of them run down to Safeway late at night because they forgot to pick up cat food. Nor do they get excited about new lip gloss from Target with their teens. Do they talk with their teens? Do they really?

Their kids don’t drive the beat up old family car that mom finally traded in for something nice.

They can’t just chill on the deck with a glass of wine and a few good friends, and not talk about work or politics.

They don’t drag their garbage cans out to the street once a week, and stop to talk to their neighbors about why the dog is wearing a cone of shame.

The don’t clean out their own gutters when it rains, or shovel their own snow, or scrape ice off of those cars they don’t drive on cold mornings.

They don’t stay up late at night worrying about their adult kids who can’t find jobs, and their elderly parents who can’t take care of themselves anymore.

They don’t know how we live.

They are so far removed from reality that…well, you have more in common with a Vampire. At least we remember what it was like to be real, and for the most part we live more like you, more genuine and real, than they do.

Yes, so many politicians went to private schools and are insanely wealthy, but this isn’t about money. Bill Gates is richer than all of them but he knows how you live. If you had a beer with him he would seem like a real guy (I’m going to assume, I’ve seen him speak a couple of times.) But you know where I’m going with this. The cult of personality has taken over the wisdom of true leaders. Special interests have taken over everything. Huge egos enter the room like dinosaurs who are loud, but not of our time. They speak of a past that doesn’t exist. Even dinosaurs knew better, even with their small reptilian brains.

By the way, did I mention that Zombies are afraid of them?

At lease we (Vampire) know what we are. At least we’re honest about it.

A Vampire will never tell you to be afraid, then point the finger to someone who is not like you.

A Vampire will never betray you.

A Vampire will always appreciate the blood they take, and contrary to popular belief, most Vampires will never drain every drop of blood from your body. Find a politician who will want to leave you a drop of blood.

And Vampires care. You don’t have to vote for us to get our love. We love you just as your are. Really, we do.

We’re more like you than they are.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

Famous Monsters

Everybody loves monsters – and nobody loved them more than Forest Ackerman editor of Famous Monsters of Filmland Magazine. You gotta love the artwork on these covers. My absolute favorite is #130 with Peter Cushing as Van Helsing. It is absolutely stunning. Enjoy.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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2016-04-05 12.50.582016-04-05 12.52.07Vlad to see you. Vampire thrills for everyone! Cheap thrills too.IMG_3016

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A Vampire Muses on Movies in Three Minutes or Less – Frankenstein (1931)

A Vampire Muses on Movies in Three Minutes or Less – Frankenstein

The morning started out when I went out to my car and it looked like something the size of a pterodactyl pooped on my car.

We all have those days where everything seems to go wrong or just stupid. That is doubly true when it comes to children. We’ve all had those calls from the school or wondered if our kids even have brains half the time. But all kidding aside (not really, we’re going to continue kidding)…

If you think you had a bad day just think about Dr. Frankenstein the day his monster/creation/kid got loose. All that hard work and … well you know the story.

Boy meets girl, boy decides to create life (he can do that with the girl in an easy and fun way but he’d rather make something out of reanimated DEAD flesh), Boy hires an assistant who can’t do anything right, assistant gets the wrong brain, Boy builds a giant man, giant creature man comes to life, assistant is an ass and scares the giant creature man with fire, giant creature man goes nuts and everyone in the village chases the monster man to an old windmill, burn it down and well…THAT my friends is on crappy day.

You know, Dr. Frank if you’d just married the girl and had a little monster the old fashioned way… But that doesn’t make a good movie.

So the point of this entry is to tell you that I had a wonderful time last night seeing the 1931 movie Frankenstein with the wonderful Boris Karloff! TMC is showing old classics on the big screen again at local movie theaters – not the art theaters but at regular theaters that we go to with our kids (check your local listings).

By today’s standards it was almost quaint. The story was a little clunky. The acting melodramatic (in the best way). But hands down it is still a great movie!

Boris Karloff gives the monster such life and expression! You are almost cheering for him and not the poor village people.

The one scene that just hit my heart though and was THE horrifying scene was when the father of the dead child Maria carried her lifeless little body through the streets. I wondered “Why couldn’t Dr. Frankenstein bring little Maria back to life?”  Another story perhaps.

I hate to admit it (not really) that I kept thinking of Mel Brook’s Young Frankenstein the entire time.  But luckily I didn’t think of the Warhol version until just now.

A lot of movie theaters are now playing some of the old classics and I urge you all to go check them out. The next show we’re seeing on the big screen is “To Kill A Mockingbird”. I can’t wait.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman