Drinking Games and Raking Fall Leaves

Against my better judgement I had the radio on all day today. I learned that most of the old fart senators in Washington don’t know, or pretend not to know about drinking games, that teenage boys think farts or funny, or anything about beer. All of these “Good Christian Men” forget about their college years when they were sleeping with everything without a penis, drinking beer until they puked and passed out, and lighting farts on fire. They also like to hear themselves talk (even when it is through somebody else) so they ask a woman about a traumatic event she experienced at age fifteen and wonders why she didn’t tell anyone. Guess what? Teenage girls don’t share stuff like that because they know nobody will listen.

All of this just makes me think of drinking games. Take a drink for every time someone asked Kavanaugh if he liked beer or drank beer or every time Kavanaugh said he said the word “beer”. I was driving when I heard the whole beer episode. I thought I was in some sort of world that had turned into the cross between a Salvador Dali painting and a Carrie Nation Rally. By the way, if you didn’t know this already, Carrie Nation was six feet tall. I kid you not. But back to the hearing…I almost pulled over to the side of the road. I wouldn’t have been surprised to have seen Rod Serling hitch hiking with an alien.

We’ve also suggested that the TV shows “Hawaii Five-O” and “Longmire” be made into drinking games. Whenever someone gets shot you take a drink. It they die in a more unusual way you take a drink. If someone gets kidnapped you take a drink. If someone who is a main character gets kidnapped or shot you take a drink. By the end of the show, well you never see the end of the show because you’ll be passed out by then.

When I arrived home I decided to not listen to anymore noise. Alas, my plan to just listen to the purring of my cats and maybe some music turned into my usual Thursday headache. And it is also the Friday morning headache. That is LEAF BLOWERS.

About half of my neighbors have yard services and that means leaf blowers.

Vampires, due to our naturally gentle and quiet nature, hate leaf blowers.

I HATE LEAF BLOWERS. 

And half the time I see the guys blowing leaves they’re just blowing dirt. They’re blowing NOTHING. I want to yell at my neighbor after the three hour bout of blowing leaves that he needs to move to the desert if he hates a single leaf in his back yard.

Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, and everything I hold near and dear, I swear that I HATE LEAF BLOWERS. The loud noise makes my head feel like it is going to explode. Kids can’t study. Babies can’t sleep. I can’t work. I can’t do fucking anything.

I told my daughter that next Thursday when the leaf blowers start blowing I’m getting out my trumpet, and YES I do own a trumpet, and blowing it off of my deck until they all think Gabriel himself has come down to earth to do whatever it is that arc angels do. And then when there is a strange silence I shall put down my trumpet, show my fangs and whisper, “vengeance is mine.”

So I take a deep breath. 

I like raking leaves. To be honest, I don’t rake leaves, I sweep them. I sweep them off of the walkways, out of the gutters, and off of the driveway. Along with the leaves are hundreds, and maybe thousands of acorns.

Where are the squirrels when I need them? They’re in the trees barking at me and my cats.

Back to sweeping leaves. There is something so satisfying about sweeping my leaves up. It is quiet. Sweeping is prime time to get my ideas and creativity in order. It is a time to think. I love the way I make little and big piles. I love the smell. I love the mix of leaves and the random flower blossoms and bark that mixes with the leaves.

Right now there isn’t much in my wild back yard except trees so I let the leaves fall on the bare ground to make a soft carpet and get scattered by the dog and the wild turkeys. I don’t need perfection. I don’t need the noise of leaf blowers.

I need the quiet and the celebration of nature in my somewhat ordered world. To be honest with you there is little order in my world, but leaf sweeping, and any yard work in my tiny botanical garden under the oaks brings solace.

So wishing you all peace in this change of seasons. Turn off the radio and TV. Have a beer that nobody will question you about, and count your blessings.

And then hug your cats, talk to your kids, and be a good Vampire. Fall is here.

Remember…Halloween is just around the corner.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

juliette kings _ Marla Todd

No Leaf Blowers Allowed in My Yard

 

 

Weirder Tales

Weirder Tales – Now Available on Amazon and other fine online bookstores. Proceeds to to MS Research.

 

 

 

 

Vampire Diary: Sharp Dressed Man (and pizza)

Dear Diary,

What is this thing on Friday nights they call pizza? I do not understand.

~ Vlad

 

 

Dear Diary,

I stood upon the cliff, the wind in my hair, eyes closed, thinking of long ago when I ruled all that I could see. I opened my eyes to find myself nodding hello to a man walking his dog.

Another man passed on a bicycle wearing skin-tight pants. It was not attractive.

There is peace in the land, at least in this little stretch of land I now call home. It is a neighborhood. I have neighbors. They are not powerful. They are not concerned with power.

One of my neighbors mentioned a debate among those who wish to rule. This debate will be next week. Then he said there would be a drinking game. When certain men who wish to be powerful say certain words everybody drinks. Is it so bad that people must drink to forget about what horrors might come to pass if these men come into power?

But it isn’t just men. There are women too. Scary women. Scary women who yell, but seem to yield little true power. Where are their men? Where are any true men in this game. Where are men who are brave and true? They should not talk. They should fight. To the death. With swords and knives like real men.

I do not understand. I will try to stay away, or drink excessive amounts of alcohol.

The cat has no opinion on the matter. She does not care.

~ Vlad

 

 

Dear Diary,

I went into my front yard today to inspect a plant called Bird of Paradise. The exotic flowers do indeed look like exotic birds. I shouldn’t take joy in such a trivial natural event, but I found myself in wonder.

One of the women of the blue house down the street greeted me.  Her name is Joy. She is always happy. Her eyes went from the top of my head, down to my feet, then back up to my face. It made me feel as if she was inspecting a slab of meat hanging from a butcher’s window.

“You look sharp today Vlad,” she said to me.

My fangs were not showing. I did not understand.

“You always dress so well, nice jacket, jeans that show off those cute buns, natural blonde highlights. You’re so cute. All the women say they could just eat you up,” she told me with a grin full of large white teeth.

If my heart had been beating it would have skipped a beat. What sort of woman was this who would tell me that she was going to eat me? What horrors have I yet to discover in this quiet neighborhood?

Why did Joy talk about buns? Was she thinking of making me into a sandwich?

I excused myself and went back inside my house. Fear isn’t a normal feeling for me, but there was a slight tinge of it along with rage and confusion.

I was starting to feel like a prisoner in my own home.

~ Vlad

 

 

Dear Diary,

I was out tonight on a quest for blood. I found it. I drank deeply from the necks of two beautiful women, then left them with smiles on their faces.  I suppose the power of cute has its advantages.

I was relieved that neither one of them wanted to eat me up.

~ Vlad

 

 

Dear Diary,

Gillian, my Vampire lover, was here in my bed tonight. I ran my fingertips over her cold skin and kissed her shoulders and neck. She purred like a kitten and kissed me.

“What sort of women eat the flesh of men?” I thought she’d know the answer.

She gave me a confused look and said, “Vlad, tell me what happened.”

I told her of the conversation. Gillian said nothing, but laughed out loud, then took me in her arms and I belonged to her for the rest of the night.

~ Vlad

 

 

Dear Diary,

I looked up cannibalism on a place called Wikipedia. There have been only a few cases of men who eat human flesh in this area since the Donner party in the late 1840’s. Most of the cannibals have not been women. This frightened me for women are far more dangerous than men.

I will watch, and as I did in days of old, I will protect my people. I will protect my neighborhood.

I am the Vampire King. My people will not be eaten. They will not eat my cats. They will be stopped. I will not be cute.

~ Vlad

 

 

Dear Diary,

Civilization has changed in so many ways, yet in so many ways it stays the same.

I do not remember a time when there has not been war. I do not remember a time when fools have not ruled great countries. I do not remember a time when ignorance has not been worshiped over knowledge.

I do not remember a time when I was called cute. I looked in a mirror and caught my reflection, which if difficult unless I am completely still and looking into my own eyes and the lighting is just right. I am attractive. Women have always thought so.

I look away from my haunting reflection. Masculine beauty is a gift and a burden. It is something I can be undead with.

Gillian came over with a large flat box.

“I brought pizza. We can eat it tonight and watch Grimm.”

I opened the box. There in the box was a large flat round of dough, like a tart, with blood-red sauce and round blood-red pieces of meat. I took in the haunting fragrance. I agreed. We should eat pizza.

I took two goblets out and filled them with spiced blood.

Then I fed the cats. They do not eat pizza.

Gillian, my love, said, “Life is good.”

Yes, life is good, even for the undead.

~ Vlad

 

oscar_artistic copy

 

Keep checking back for more installments. Click on the links below for read the entire riveting story. And yes, put down your coffee or you’ll spit on the screen.

Vampire Diary

#1. Vampire Diary: The Beginning

#2. Vampire Diary: Intervention

#3. Vampire Diary: Game Day

#4. Vampire Diary: Feeling Alive

#5. Vampire Diary: Blood Red

#6. Vampire Diary: Embroiled in a Dream (and still cute)

#7. Vampire Diary: Something I do Understand

#8. Vampire Diary: Modern Worlds

#9. Vampire Diary: White Wedding

#10. Vampire Diary: Under the Beautiful Skye

 

 

 

Kissed by a Vampire