Read THIS not THAT!

Read THIS – Not THAT
(A List of Well Loved Books that I LOATHE
and the Alternatives)

This might be the most controversial blog posting I’ve done so far because I’m going to tell you what books I DON’T LIKE. In fact I HATE these books (ok hate is a strong word, I only hate a few of them, the others are a strong dislike).

Disclaimer: These are my own personal preferences.  I’m not saying it has to be yours. You can like what you want and I won’t like you any less. In fact if we all like the same thing the book shelves out there would be pretty boring after a while.

Unfortunately most of these books, the very ones that make me cringe, are beloved by millions of readers across the planet. But that does not mean that I have to like them.

But don’t judge me because I’m giving you ALTERNATIVES (READ THIS) to these books. There are always options when it comes to books.

1. Little Women

A sappy Victorian story about a family of girls (all blatant stereotypes) who are trying to make ends meet with their Marmie (their saintly mother) while dad is away fighting the Civil War. Jo, the hero daughter, sells her hair and falls for a Woossie La La pansy assed boy with a girl’s name. The other three sisters consist of a sickly saint, the beautiful kind perfect sister, and a total stuck up self-centered bitch. They go to parties, put on bad plays and do silly stuff until the end of the world comes – or at least you’re hoping for that or at the very least zombies will come in and eat them all. Oh right. Dad, who is no great catch when it comes to men, comes home and they all do the happy dance. But they still won’t stop talking and acting like fools.

READ THIS: The Hunger Games or just watch a Quentin Tarantino movie.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith

Ann of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery

The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon by Stephen King

2. Eat Pray Love

A self-indulgent, narcissistic narrative about a woman who hates her life and escapes to a world of more pity party spiritual self-aware crap. Who has time for this shit? Just suck it up and get on with your life. We all go through self-discovery but with a little bit more courtesy and grace. I didn’t even pass this book on. It went straight to the recycle bin and out to the Thursday morning garbage pick-up. I call it “Eat, Pray, Barf”.

READ THIS:

Two wonderful books that I could read over and over…

Under The Tuscan Sun by Frances Mayes

Tales from Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett.

3. The Bridges of Madison County

This one is for you Nathan Tackett!

An antisocial hermit who claims to be a National Geographic photographer has an affair with a silly Italian war bride while her husband is off at the Fair with her kids. The kids later find letters and what not when she dies. What a bitch. Her husband would do anything for her and worships the ground she walks on. You got married lady – that does not mean sleeping with strangers every time your husband leaves town. The bath tub scene is enough to make anyone want to puke. I’m not prude and I like plenty of books with affairs and other bad behavior but this book is so full of itself that it makes me want to puke. There is nothing good or entertaining about this story. Bring on the zombies!

READ THIS:

Envy by Sandra Brown.

OMG. This is the book for people behaving badly, affairs, revenge with so much hot sizzling sex…excuse me while I take a breath. And it never pretends to be art. Just a fun hot wild story about what happens when you steal something that is not yours.

4. The Time Traveler’s Wife

This book just bored me. I could not get into the characters or relate to any of them. I thought it was more creepy than romantic. Ugh.

READ THIS:

Somewhere in Time by Richard Matheson

5. Dune

People are confounded as to why a hard-core Science Fiction and Fantasy fan like me doesn’t care for this book. It was boring.

READ THIS:

Venus on the Half Shell by Kilgore Trout

Let’s end with something fun. Read the spines of the books in the picture above to get a nice little free verse. Yes, those were right off of my shelf. Try writing a poem with your books. It’s fun.

(And no I’m not even going to mention the Twilight series because everyone else has already written enough “why I hate Twilight” stories. I don’t care for Twilight but I can see why others like it – especially teenage girls. So ENOUGH. You’ve already beaten that dead horse enough. Now it is time to talk about something else!!!!!!)

At the end feel free to add your least favorite books and alternatives in the comment section. That will be FUN. I’d love to see what is on your list. Give me your alternatives too.

PLEASE don’t scold me for not liking your beloved book. It won’t change my mind. If you’re offended then you should go to the “High Fructose Corn Syrup and Fuzzy Pink Unicorn Blog.”

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman