In most popular Vampire fiction a great deal is made of biting, specifically “the bite.”
When I write about warm blooded folks do I concentrate on their eating habits. I should. I’m surprised nobody has made a movie about someone attacking their coworkers who sit in the adjoining cubicle (or desk) all day gnashing, smacking, loudly crunching, and slurping food ALL DAY LONG. That does not include the unnecessary scraping of a food container with food long after there is nothing left. It does not include the rattling of wrappers. It does not include the overwhelming aromas of tuna or egg salad that make you want to vomit. The loud bite after bite into the apple a day leads to a headache for you that lasts all day long. THAT my friends is a true horror story. Day after day after day after day of noises that make you want to SCREAM before your head explodes.
But of course in popular culture a Vampire is considered far more glamorous than the average cubicle worker. Sure there are some of those Vampires who let blood drip down their chins and make horrible noises, but seriously, we teach our new Vampires, and our children NOT to behave like that – ever.
Anyway, I guess I should end now. The morning is too young, and my day too busy to go into the types of bites one may get from a Vampire – from quick, to lingering on the erotic.
I don’t know what to do about the coworker situation. It all depends on your company culture. You could go to HR (like they’re going to do anything.) You could go to your boss (who won’t do anything.) Or you could write that script to a horror movie and start a new career.
No matter who you are, always be considerate to others. Teach that to your children. Teach it to your employees. Teach it to your spouse. Teach it to yourself.
As the New Year approaches let us all make a resolution to be nice and civilized in 2015. We will also make a resolution to teach the teens and younger adults in our lives to do the same.
Good taste and manners is what differentiates us from those people who are considered somewhat lower than us on the evolutionary scale.
There are things we do not do.
Do not wear push up bras to the gym.
Do not try to dress sexy at the gym.
Do not bring babies to movie theaters.
Do not worry if someone ignores you at a party. Their existence doesn’t count.
Do not pay attention your cell phone while dining with others.
Do not pay attention to your cell phone while you are on a date or at a business meeting.
Do not let your dog sniff crotches. He can sniff dog butt but that is all.
Get your dog fixed.
Always show respect to your teachers (even if you do not like them). The rewards will be great.
This list could go on and on. It is just part of my chore as someone who writes about parenting young adults and scolding older adults.
Dear Vampires, you also have to mind your manners. Make it a goal in 2015 to follow proper etiquette.
Use proper hygiene. You’re a Vampire not a Zombie. Nobody likes to be around someone who smells dead. For that matter nobody likes to be around someone who looks dead. The same goes for Regular Humans and Werewolves.
Never be a bore. Nobody like to be around someone everyone wishes was dead.
Don’t talk in an Eastern European accent unless you are from Eastern Europe.
Be neat. Blood stains are a bitch to get out of carpets and clothing.
Age has nothing to do with maturity. Just because you’re 400 years old doesn’t give you the right to be an immature jerk.
Don’t be creepy.
Don’t lurk around.
Don’t stalk. If you like a girl just go up and say hello. Don’t stand by her bed late at night and stare at her.
Don’t take advantage of Regular Humans. Just take what you need and get out of there.
Always be polite and use good manners. You already know that you’re better than everyone else so act that way. And I don’t mean by being a snob.
Be a person everyone wants to be around. That way you’ll never go hungry.
I came home to finish up this post after going for a walk with my kids. We went about a mile away, away from the trees and the neighborhood to the local Starbucks. Along the way we talked. The subjects ran from over population, to religion, to manners, to dogs, to good friends, to relationships, to cities my lovelies would live in when they grow up and go out on their own. We saw the snow on the mountains in the distance and decided we’re in a pretty good place right now. But one day they will spread their wings and discover the world on their own. I told them about some of my hopes and dreams and things I almost did. They said I have an adventurous spirit. They were surprised by some of my youthful adventures and dreams. I still have dreams and plenty of adventures ahead of me. You have to. Everyone has to.
So to add to the list of things above, here are a few more:
Keep talking with your kids.
Listen to their dreams.
Keep having your own dreams.
Keep having your own adventures.
And don’t be afraid when your kids want to have adventures. Let them fly. Let them live their lives. They’ll be safe because you raised them right. I hope you raised them right.
Treasure your time with them. Treasure the small things. The walks, the talks over coffee, the time spent piled up on the couch together, the times watching funny dog videos or shopping or going to the local museum… all of the times. It all matters. It is all well spent.