No time to be jealous

Do you ever have those days, like when your friend calls and says, “Pick me up. PLEASE.”

And it’s a full moon. So you pick him up.

And your friend is a Werewolf.

And you say, “What if you turn back into a man?”

And he says, “You’ve seen me naked.”

And I have, a long time ago.

And I know that because my husband is a Vampire he’ll understand. We all do. It was like the time, before I was married, that a couple of drunk girls called my husband at 2:00 a.m. and I said, “GO, make sure they’re safe. Take them home. I’ll see you in a bit.” And I did. And the girls were impressed.

This is something we have to teach our kids. You can’t be involved with someone who is so jealous and insecure that they can’t accept the fact that sometimes you just have to do the right thing and help out a friend in need. It isn’t like this sort of thing happens all the time. With young people it happens more often.

We always tell our kids and their friends that they can call us anytime of the day or night, no questions asked. We just want them to be safe.

That’s all. Just a something to think about.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Short Story Sunday: One Night

Andy opened his eyes. His head was still in tact, or at least he imagined it hadn’t completely exploded.

She’d called his name then jumped in his lap, knocking over the chair he was sitting in. As he tried to move he discovered his hair was caught under the top of the chair back. Someone pulled Taylor off of him, and helped him up.

“Yes, I’m fine,” he said to everyone who asked.

Taylor, a small young woman with a black bob and a quick smile, was fighting back tears. Andy figured at least three if not four fingers were broken, and maybe some other bones in her beautiful delicate hands.

He kissed her hand. Some of the pain went away. Then he slipped her six fresh one hundred dollar bills.

“This should cover your deductible and any other expenses tonight. Call me tomorrow and let me know how you’re doing. I’ll come see you.” Then he kissed her cheek. “We have to stop having so much fun.”

He declined help and decided to walk towards home. He’d had enough of clubs, and people, and the last place he needed to be was a hospital. Unknown to most of his friends he was a Vampire. He’d be fine.

As he walked along the city streets he thought about all of the women he’d ever known and all of the parties he’d ever been to, and all of the stupid things he’d ever done. His mind wandered to lost loves, and music, and how hungry he was. His head still hurt. The fall was harder than he’d initially thought. Blood would be good right now but he didn’t want to put out the effort for anything fresh. There was blood at home in the refrigerator.

He took out his phone and pulled up his Uber app, and called for a ride. It was another four miles at least to his house and he was tried of walking.

A song would take his mind off of it all. He started to hum the St. Motel song Midnight Movies. And right as he got to the verse,

Stories get told, I hear the plotlines unfold, it seems they’re handing me gold
Stories get told here at the midnight movies

The back of his head exploded in pain again. Someone, or something had slammed into him. He stumbled and went down on his knees, the palms of his hands scraping the sidewalk. He was grabbed and someone dragged him into an alley.

He heard a voice in his ear, “Andrew Todd, there you are in your long hair, and your Vicuna coat, and your expensive jeans, and your Italian shoes, thinking you’re better than the rest of us.

Andy smelled the foul breath in his face. It was a mix of old blood, rotting flesh, and dog farts. Opening his eyes he saw three figures. Vampire trash for sure. Shadow creeping bastards who lurked around in the dark damp corners of the city.

“Come on guys. Don’t make any problems with me. I’m one of you.”

The three, one large, one medium size, and one small, looked at him with dark lifeless eyes, showing their fangs.

“You think you’re better than us. Well you’re not, you perfume sucking faggot,” the smallest and ugliest one hissed at him.

Andy knew better than to try and argue with them. They were idiots, but dangerous idiots. They circled him, three against one.

A car stopped in front of the alley. A large man yielding a sword stepped out.

“Hey, ass-wipes,” he yelled, and he swung the sword. Three heads went flying into the alley, rolling like bowling balls down the lane.

Andy got to his feet and staggered back.

“Hey man, don’t worry, I’m your ride,” said the driver.

“You’re a Vampire Hunter,” said Andy, still sort of in shock.

“Sure, but I don’t go after your kind. Get in. Go on. I won’t hurt you.”

Andy gave the driver a large tip, locked the front door of his house, and went to the kitchen for blood. A small orange cat wound around his feet purring. He stroked it’s head and said “good kitty.”

Then he texted Taylor’s boyfriend to see how she was doing, went upstairs, and fell into bed.

A few hours later he woke to find a beautiful woman sitting next to his bed. She was dressed in jeans and a white button down men’s dress shirt, with pearls around her neck and on her ears. Chestnut waves of hair fell down her back. She stroked his cheek. He took her cool hand.

“Mom,” he said.

“I had a feeling my baby was hurting. Oh Andy, you have to be more careful.” She put her hand on his forehead and his headache vanished.

“Thanks.” After 163 years there was still nothing better than to have his mom there for him.

His phone dinged with a message. His mother picked it up. “That was Taylor’s mom. She wanted you to know she is going to be fine. Three broken fingers, and a broken bone in her hand, but no surgery is required. She wanted to know if you were ok. I texted back that you’re ok.”

Then she smiled, with a little big of fang, that beautiful smile that all moms have when they know their children are alright, and that they will be alright.

~ End

Short Story Sunday at Vampiremaman.com

 

 

Friendships Change with Children (Even for Vampires)

Precious child 1850's

Precious child 1850’s

“There were friends I was always there for. I was there for them. I was there for their kids. Then a century later when I had my children they were gone. Just gone. We were too much trouble. Don’t even get me started on my childless friends. I know the whole Vampire mystique thing but they didn’t have to be rude about it.”

I listened to my sister-in-law Verity vent. Her children are grown, more or less. My nephew graduated from Law School in 2016, and my niece is in her last year of Graduate School. Verity and my brother Aaron had been together for over a hundred years when they started their family.

I know how she feels. We’ve all had friendships change in unexpected ways when we suddenly get married, or have children.

Felicity continued. “If I’d converted someone, no problem. They would have all been there helping and giving advice. But having my own baby is cause for them to all disown me. Or they adore other people’s kids but treat me as if we’re trolls. My kids were darling and always well behaved.”

She was right. Her kids were darling and well behaved. As adults they are still darling and well behaved. She went on some more about absent friends and family. I don’t have an answer for her. I just listen. I can speculate on the behavior of others but that is all – just speculate. Sometimes it is just the wrong time or place. You now live far apart. Your friends have more demanding jobs and nobody sees them. Sometimes it is jealousy. Sometimes it is just the fact that they don’t want to be around our rare Vampire children for reasons they aren’t going to share. They don’t want to hear about babies, or school, or all the things kids do. They don’t feel comfortable being around small new people who do strange and sometimes annoying things. Sometimes there is no reason. The way it is all uneven sometimes makes no sense to us, but it might make sense to someone else. Or sometimes it just is what it is, and like a lot of things there is no reason.

“But I was always there for them,” Verity said again.

One would think Vampires would have it all figured out but in a lot of ways we’re just like the rest. Then again, when we have kids we change too. I don’t care if you’re a Vampire, a Werewolf, or just a Regular Human – all of your priorities change when children come into your life.

Verity is always so calm and cool, like my brother Aaron, so I was kind of surprised. It is kind of something most parents never talk about.

And that’s it for today. I have no answers this morning. Just reports of rain, and coffee. I have a lot of coffee. All you want.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

And THIS is what happens when you give your kids a five pound bag of sugar and a spoon.

And THIS is what happens when you give your kids a five pound bag of sugar and a spoon.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/uneven/

Rambling Around The Christmas Tree

December 13 already???? Yes indeed. It isn’t supposed to rain until later today so I’m rushing to get up my pathetic outdoor decorations. No big lights this year (Teddy is busy) so I’m decorating the porch a-la Griswold. As a piece of trivia I live within walking distance (about a mile or a bit more) from Dovewood Court, which is one of the most famously decorated neighborhoods. If you move there you MUST agree to light up like the City of Las Vegas every December. Anyway, my goal is to get lights, garlands, and assorted wreaths on my farmhouse style porch, and a few pathetic wreaths on my garage lights.

The small sort of old fashioned lamp light we have out by our street has red, green, and yellow blinking lights in it. Eight years ago Teddy put them in at Christmas time and never took them out. Nobody has complained so our lights blink all year long. Sometimes I wonder if our neighbors consider us weird. We’re the only house on the street with kids. We have the most pets. Our cats visit everyone, as have every dog we’ve had. We’re a mess. I’m finally 90% done with landscaping my front yard (all by myself thank you very much.) And we’re Vampires, but don’t tell our neighbors. And sometimes, when I’m feeling especially happy, I will blow a trumpet from my back deck.

Inside the tree is beautiful, and the stockings are hung with care.

 

Other Holiday Things I’m Going to Ramble About…

Christmas Trees – Dogs, Cats, and Small Children

I haven’t had a pet bother a Christmas tree for years, but if you have a young puppy or a kitten it can happen. My worry this year is that the pup (who turns one on Christmas Day) will chase the cats around the tree and knock it over. If my tree falls it is usually because I knocked it over adding water to the base.

So this is what you do: Put any breakable ornaments on the bottom. Tell your kids NO, just look. Tell your dog NO. Tell your small kids NO again. Do that about fifty times. You can’t tell cats anything so you might as well give up on that one. Sure you can try the old squirt bottle but they’ll just scratch your favorite chair or pee on your shoes.

Chill, enjoy, and realize that sometimes stuff breaks.

What’s New? New Girlfriends That’s What.

I have four brothers, and a son. One of my brothers is married. Yes, it is just like a math problem because it is usually hard to figure out and it usually makes no sense.

Garrett, my twenty year old son, came home from college with a great new red and green plaid Christmas vest, and a new girlfriend named Taylor. I’ve had no such surprises from my brothers but there is still time.

Taylor is cute, laughs really loud, and obviously likes my son. To tell you the truth she is great. I like her from the top of her bleached blonde pixie cut, to her cute little flats with kitty designs on them. And best of all she is a Vampire too, from a respectable Central Valley Vampire family.

No drama there. Aside from being deathly afraid of Werewolves, and Vampire Hunters, Taylor is ok. We’ll need to work with her on those fears. Vampire Hunters are not to be feared because they’re so easy to fuck with. Ho Ho Ho.

As for my bothers. Nothing. I can only give my opinions, and now days I don’t even bother because it just pisses them off (and they don’t listen anyway or get all butt hurt.) Max should be here later today so I’ll give you an update.

So Back to the Holidays

My dear friend Amelia (My Vegas Vampire) has been staying with us a few days a week this December. This has given me the excuse opportunity to attend events such as accordion concerts under the rotunda in the California State Capitol Building. Today I might take her up to the Mormon Temple on the hill (Sacramento Temple but it is in Folsom) to see if they’ve decorated it up for the holidays. Hey, we’re Vampires but we’re not goons. We like to see what everyone is doing and wish everyone well. Anyway, from the path through the woods near my house one can see the spire of the LDS Temple at night, at a distance over the lake. It looks like the Eiffel Tower. So, yes Virginia, I can see Paris from my neighborhood. And you thought that crazy woman in Alaska was the only one who could see another country from her house.

It has been great having Amelia here. That is all. Good friends make a house a home, and makes even hardly beating Vampire hearts merry.

So be merry and bright. May all of your Vampires dance at night, and bring you bright dreams of joy (that comes with being lightheaded from blood loss.)

I’ll keep up the Christmas stories and other holiday fun.

xoxoxo

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Merry Christmas Baby!

Merry Christmas Baby!

 

 

A Lunch Date With Zombies

A Lunch Date With Zombies

Fridays are usually my lunch hunt date. I switched things up this week and took Cody, my young “Vampire in Training” out with me on Monday.

Lunch dates are fun ways for Vampires to hunt right out in the open. They involve fun, flirting, a bit of seduction and just enough blood to get you going for the weekend ahead. And regular humans never even suspect. They just leave the situation feeling warm and fuzzy, a little tired, and they think they’ve, well, you know.

Cody and I had arranged to meet an old friend of mine at my office with an associate of his. They were Lobbyist for the farming industry (after all we’re in the State Capitol and in the largest agricultural state).  Mike and Melissa. I’m in public relations and do work for them from time to time.

Cody is shy by nature, a sweet likeable young man, but when it comes to hunting he is extremely shy. Most new Vampires can’t wait to get hunting, but with Cody it is more of a sweet romance, rather than just taking what one wants.

So to make a short story long, a guy in a suit shows up at the door. He looks like he’s been to hell and back then I recognize him as Mike. Behind him is Melissa, who is usually the perkiest blonde I’ve ever met, looking ashen and un-perkey.

I wonder if someone died, then realize, somebody has. They don’t smell right. They don’t look right. My stomach turns. Even Cody is picking up on something.

I step back.

“Juliette” says Mike “You have to help us.”

He puts his hand on my arm and I immediately feel it – ZOMBIES.

Funny, likable and extremely smart Mike, a sixth generation California farmer, graduate of UCD (THE Farm School) and successful advocate for the farmer is now…for all practical purposes DEAD.

And don’t give me any crap about being a Vampire. My flesh isn’t rotting and I’m not craving human brains for lunch. Plus I know where my soul is.

I’m confused. Both Mike and Melissa look good, all things considering.

Plus I thought all the Zombies had been confined to a compound in the Mojave Desert outside of Barstow.

“We’ve taken massive amounts of antibiotics to help prevent the rot and we’ve been drinking a lot of embalming fluid. That keeps the smell off and slows down the rot.” Mike told us.

The pair was driving across the Imperial Valley when they were stopped at a roadblock. Little did they know what seemed to be police were actually rogue Zombies.  Later that night they were picked up by the authorities and brought to the super secret Area Z, where Zombies are kept to be monitored and studied.

I thought of long afternoons with Mike and how sweet his blood tasted. I thought of the slow seductions and languid after glows. Now here he was, doing everything he could to keep his skin from falling off in sheets. Holy crap, this was bad.

“What do you need?” I asked.

Mike put a hand to his face, adjusting his left eye back into the socket. “I want you to turn us into Vampires.”

OK, this is where the sound effects do a screeching halt. The very idea of a Zombie is revolting but putting my lips on the flesh of a Zombie and sharing blood. Putrid rotting blood.

“Has this ever been done?” Asked Cody.

“No, or at least never that I’ve heard of.” I said. “So much could go wrong.”

“Nothing could be worse than it is already.” Melissa wailed and watched as her thumbnail fell to the floor along with the tip of her thumb.

I thought about it for a moment then spoke in secret to Cody. I had an idea. If it worked we’d be heroes. If it didn’t we’d have to kill the Zombies, no matter that they were our friends.

I took Cody into the small kitchen area of the office where we bit into our wrists and let our own Vampire blood drain into two coffee cups.

The Zombies drank and before our eyes their skin went from gray to the color of their former living flesh (peaches & cream and coffee & cream – Vampires always think of everyone in terms of food, we can’t help it).

“I won’t turn you, not yet, but see if this helps. Don’t tell a soul, or anyone without a soul. Don’t tell anyone or I will hunt you down and kill you myself. Do you understand?”

They said they understood. I thought my stomach was going to drop out and my head would explode as they left the building.

Cody was about to speak when I told him. “The same goes to you Cody. If you tell a soul I will kill you and it won’t be fast or painless.”

“Got it.” Said Cody. I thought of my favorite movie line and said to Cody. “This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Cody smiled.  Then and there I knew he’d make a great Vampire.

I’ll keep you posted on Mike and Melissa – when and if I hear anything.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Note: Yes, you might have seen this post before. Happy Halloween. We can’t forget our Zombie friends tonight. They might be falling apart but we still love them.

 

zombie baby and cat


 

 

Musings on a Hot and Unremarkable Day (with Dogs and Vampires)

girl and her dog

Yesterday my friend Jack was complaining about his allergies. I purred “poor sweetie,” into his ear, sank my fangs into his neck, took a half pint of blood, and his red eyes cleared right up. He just texted me that he felt great all day without the jitters he got from allergy drugs.

I could fix Jack, but on the way home the air conditioning in my car wouldn’t get cold. It just blew sort of warm coolish air. I rolled down the windows. Heat and Vampires are not good friends. I put my hand on the cooling vent, but I couldn’t fix it. Damn.

I’d witnessed several things with no hope of being fixed like a few crazy people I saw. I’m not talking about people with mental illness. I’m talking about people who are nuts. These are folks who are just oblivious to others, without any social filters, etc. You know the type. As a Vampire I tend to avoid those types. Too much bad blood and weird vibes.

I swear, I don’t get it. These people have been wasting our time for centuries (now a lot of them just go into politics.) They are totally oblivious to the world around them. They’re oblivious to others. They’re as bad as Goblins (don’t even get me started on them.)

My respect goes out, especially to small business owners, who have to deal with nut jobs.

So yesterday I couldn’t get my temperature under control. Being undead isn’t all it is cracked up to be in fiction. We’re on the top of the food chain but we have our issues. To be serious I don’t like the term “undead” and rarely use it, but, anyway…

I got home and discovered the pup had a lump on her jaw. After digging in her mouth just to make sure she wasn’t chewing on a rock or some other piece of yard stuff, I discovered it was not in her mouth. I put my hand on the lump. There was no pain. I couldn’t help her. I don’t heal animals, except with love and my soothing voice. At the veterinarian office everyone thought my Alice was the cutest puppy ever. At four and a half months she weighs 39 pounds.    Alice wiggled and barked and got really excited. All of the people were feeling warm and fuzzy. Alice was super cute. I was feeling cold and detached. It is what my kind does at times. But I’m thankful that there is someone who can take care of dogs and cats.

At home I warned the pup NOT to chase or bother the cats. Of course she didn’t listen to me. The cats don’t listen either. Sometimes my husband listens. But I don’t have to worry about my husband scratching anyone or giving them abscesses.

When I came home from the vets office the math tutor was standing by the front door. The teen had fallen asleep and didn’t hear the doorbell. Vampire or not, teens sleep like the dead. Sigh.

While the math lesson was in progress I went outside to sit in the shade and thought about how I’d sat with people as their lives slipped away and their souls went on to another plane. It was always unnerving when there was no soul. Those are the times when even the hardest Vampire or Werewolf will look around for something unsavory that even makes us feel a bit unsafe and uneasy. Then the pup jumped on me with her giant paws and cool nose, and long wagging tail. Time to play.

Jack texted me again this morning to let me know he is feeling better than he has in weeks. Aside from the allergies, his wife just got a new job (her dream job), and an article he’d written had been published in a prestigious professional journal. I had to smile.

I looked outside for ghosts and didn’t see any.

And now it is time for more coffee, and time to get to work.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

We all need our dogs.

We all need our dogs.