Unlove Letters


Always find a comfortable place to write your un-love letters. Make sure you don’t forget to bring your rug with you when you leave.

Unlove Letters (aka You Don’t Want Me Anymore and/or I Don’t Want YOU Anymore)

I get a lot of traffic on this blog for people looking for love letters, but what about break-up letters?

I was asked about it.

The whole idea of break-up letters leaves me cold, which is really cold considering I’m a Vampire. My philosophy, as an expert on romance and relationships is to make a break-up simple. By the way, I’m not talking about long term relationships like marriages, those which involve children, or anything involving violence and/or other abuse.

I’m also not talking about weirdness like mindful uncoupling, spiritual separations, or beyond unbonding.

My main advice is that when you break up you need to BREAK up. Don’t keep going back for more. Cut the social ties. Divide up the mutual friends. Be an adult, pull up your pants, put on your dancing shoes, and move on. Move on ESPECIALLY if they leave you. Please don’t make a fool out of yourself. Just move on. Cut your losses. Find yourself something that fits better.

But if you’re dating or moved in with someone and knew within the first week you’d made a bad mistake then sure, leave a note, then LEAVE.

Please don’t leave a long letter detailing everything annoying thing your former other did that you failed to tell them about when you were dating. Just keep it simple. Like I said, just move on. Make it quick and clean – it won’t hurt so much that way.


Dear Former Sugar Bear,

I took everything that was mine, including the cats. There is a half bottle of blood, and a bottle of white wine in the refrigerator. You can have those. I’ve blocked your number. Don’t ask me why I left. You know why.


Dear Zombie Pie,

I found another woman’s finger in our bed. I’m leaving. Don’t fall apart over it you pathetic brainless mess.


Dear Wolfie,

You howled under the wrong moon one too many times.


Dear Sprit,

Don’t try to ghost me. I beat you to it. You’re so fucking transparent.


Dear Mer,

There was always something fishy about this relationship. I need someone warm. Like maybe another mammal.


Dear Art,

I can’t live with your bad taste. I have to go before my eyes explode.


Dear Peter,

If you want a grown up woman and not just a playmate or a guy with tits then GROW UP.


You kind of get where I’m going with this. Keep it simple. Even keep it civil. Breaking up isn’t easy. Don’t make it harder on yourself than it has to be.

By the way, this is the last time I’m going to do this subject.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


About this video: This was a local band that made one big national hit song. I saw these guys once and after the show we all went to a friend’s house. She was in love with one of the band members but he showed up with some trashy woman with big hair, super long fake finger nails, and a tight animal print dress. She was all over him like a bad rash. Too bad because they (my friend and the cute band member) would have made a cute couple. They would have been happy forever. You blew it dude. My friend, who was drunk, locked herself in her bedroom and passed out. My purse and keys were in there. I stayed the night trying to wake her up and listening to some asshole asking me if I wanted to do lines with him. Not not running lines for a play. That’s all. I think I fell asleep on the couch while some big dog growled at me every time I moved. This was in the 80’s. The 1980’s not the 1880’s.


By the way, that video starts out in Old Sacramento. The mansion shown later in the video is just down the road from the home of Eleora and Tellias. That is just trivia. Steel Breeze was a Sacramento band. The band members went to University of California Davis. Local stuff.

~ J






The First Day of School Without Kids

This year, is the first year, in many many many years that I will not be there for the first day of school.

I have no idea what anyone is going to wear. I’m not even sure what day school will actually start.

Nobody will come home and tell me all about their classes.


I am suddenly feeling all sort of nervous and kind of out of sorts, and a bit sad, and sort of excited, and I don’t quite know what.

When school starts there will no longer be any K-12 or college kids living in my house. Just my dog, my cats, the wild turkeys who hang out on the back fence, and my husband.

I guess I could also include the pair of bald eagles in my neighborhood who for the past three years have hatched and raised three sets of baby eagles (six eagle children) and seen them fly off. I’ve thought a lot about the eagle parents as I’ve watched the chicks grow from tiny fluffy head bobbers to large magnificent birds.

Since 2012 I’ve written parenting posts about raising children to be independent, strong, successful, questioning, compassionate, curious, smart, mature adults.

That is exactly what I did. AND I did it well. I did it exceedingly well.

So why do I feel like crying?

Yes, I’ve heard Werewolf parents howl at the moon when their pups take human form and go off to college.

I guess it is ok for all of us to howl at the moon in our own way when our children leave home.

I am happy and proud beyond words. No mom has ever been more proud. No mom has ever told her husband “we did a great job” more times than I have.

I never thought I could love this much, or this hard, or this good.

Even if they don’t turn into bats (you know, Vampires and all), I am glad to see them spread their proverbial wings and fly.

I’ll adjust. So will they.

Deep breath.

And so the adventure begins.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman



College Dazed…

“Hey Mom?”

“Hey Garrett?”

“Do you mind if I bring my easel to school?”

“No, not at all. If you don’t have room in your dorm you can drop it off at your Uncle Rod’s.”

I felt a sting in my nose and eyes, trying not to get squishy. Crap. I knew this would happen.

“Mom are you getting squishy?” He came over and put his arms around me.

“I’m sorry. It just seems like it all happened so soon.”

“I love you mom.”

I always believe my parents were more than happy to ship my brother Val and me off to college. No tears, just a lot of stern advice that we had no intention of following. One thing I can can give my parents credit for was allowing me to go to college and not worry about it making me unfit for marriage or motherhood. After all, we were a little different, and I’d like to say more advanced and enlightened than most of the general population. It was the last half of the century, the Nineteenth Century, and times were changing. Anyway, we were all but kicked out of the house and my parents packed up and moved to San Francisco leaving us on our own. But that is another story for another time.

Garrett was packing up when I stopped him and told him to sit with me a bit.

“Honey, Garrett, you’re going to be on your own. I know you think you can handle it but your dad and I won’t be able to get you out of situations, so you need to be smart. Don’t feed off of binge drinkers because you don’t want to be responsible for a medical emergency. The blood loss might make them too sick. Stay away from club drugs because you might get sick and end up throwing up all night. Stay about from anyone on prescription pain killers because they make you loopy. You know how you’re so sensitive to everything. Avoid Vampires who aren’t part of our circle. You don’t need any creepers trying to recruit you. They’re like freaking Scientology weirdos or rabid PETA people or Young Spartans or whatever the Hell all of those mind control folks that go after Regular Humans. They’ll go after you too because they don’t know what you are so you’ll get it in all directions. Believe me, they’ve come after me at one time or another. They do it to everyone. Just smile and walk away. If you have to scare them do it, but don’t let them know you’re a Vampire. You can’t be a Vegan or you’ll die so don’t get on that bandwagon. You’re first and foremost a predator. That isn’t a bad thing. Stay clear of the Vampire weirdos. They might seem interesting or exciting but they’re nothing but trouble and they’ll drag you down. They have their own cults. They will suck you in before you even know it. We went over this before but stay away from them. They’re scum. Stay away from older Vampire women. They look young and beautiful but they’ll suck you dry and try to control you. They just want to use you, especially considering who your family is. I will do serious serious deadly damage to any of them if they try to so much as run a hand through your hair. And watch for Zoe and your other female friends, keep the old Vampire bastards away from them. They come in and charm with their good looks and … just keep them away from the girls. This is your time to be young Vampires, you don’t need a bunch of old shits trying to take advantage of you.

Don’t fall in love with the first girl you meet, even if she is a Vampire. Don’t let your friends fall in love with the first person they meet either. Watch out for each other. Stay away from sugar. I know you’ll be on the coast but even on foggy days wear your sun screen and a hat. Never let anyone know you’re a Vampire. Don’t even hint at it, even if it comes up in conversation. Never show your fangs even when you’ve been drinking. And don’t drink too much. You can drink everyone under the table, sure, but eventually it will even get to you. Get enough sleep. OK. And call me or text me and let me know how you are. You can call me anytime, night or day, about anything, anytime.”

Garrett took put his arms around me and said, “Mom, I’ll be OK. Remember, you’re my mom. You raised me right. I know this stuff. I got it. OK?”

“I know, but…” I started to say.

“I love you mom.”

Even Vampires get choked up when it comes to their kids.

We packed up his car, his friend Randy’s car, their friend Zoe’s car, and two cars for the parents to drive back home in… and off we went for the weekend. We moved them in and then drove home. A few extra days, a visit with Uncle Rod, and a few stops at wineries along the way helped. I’m find, we’re all fine, or kids will be fine. We raised them right. I’m so proud and excited but it went by way too fast.

When you’re a mom you’ll always be a mom. Always. That is what I like about the job – the ultimate job. Sigh.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman