Short Story Sunday: The Morning After

“I told her I don’t eat human flesh, I only drink blood,” said James. “Then she rolled her eyes at me. Can you believe it? She believes that I’m a Vampire but she wouldn’t believe a God Damn word I said to her.”

“So I take it you don’t have a date for tonight,” said Andy.

“No, I am free. Completely free to enjoy company of women who appreciate me. By the way, is it just Vampires tonight or are any warm blooded people showing up?”

“It will be a mix. Everyone is cool. Cool as in temperament not temperature.”

“Good. I swear I should have pegged her as a bigot. She knew I was a Vampire when I met her. She knew we’re real, but she would never accept me. Never.”

“It wasn’t like you were exclusive with her. Screw her.”

“I did. That’s what got me into trouble,” said James, then he laughed. “You’d think that after 164 years… who am I kidding. The only woman I can’t get is your sister.”

Andy raised an eyebrow. Sure James was a pig but he’d been Andy’s best friend forever and most of it was an act…a small fraction was an act.

James continued his venting. “The only reason she didn’t go after me more is because she knows I can erase her memory, and if she tells anyone I’m a Vampire they’ll think she’s nuts.”

“Forget her James,” said Andy. “I’ve never seen you so insecure. What’s up?”

“Nothing. I was up too late last night. I’m hungry. I obviously didn’t eat anything last night.”

“I have blood in the fridge, and some cheese. Go get yourself something.”

“Thanks,” said James, heading out to the kitchen.

Andy looked around the room. There would be about fifty people over for New Year’s Eve. He still had to bring out all of the glasses, wine, and call the caterer for a final check.

Once James got dressed and the party started he’d be fine. He’d be more than fine. There wouldn’t be a single female at the party, Vampire, warm blooded human, Werewolf, or otherwise he wouldn’t be flirting with. James never went home alone.

It would be a new year but some guys never changed. That wasn’t always a bad thing. Just a thing.

Andy pulled out his phone and left a message. “Hey beautiful. Just wanted to tell you I love you. I’ll see you tonight. I can’t wait.”

~ end


Vampire Diary: Resolutions

Dear Diary,

I do not understand all of this talk about resolutions. I am already doing every task I need to do. Why should I proclaim in public my short comings and lack of decisiveness?

My love Gillian told me that it would be fun to make resolutions. She said I would feel more modern. Fun? Bah. Writing such things is not fun. Chasing down Vampire Hunters in the forest on horseback and ramming them through with spears is fun. Dancing with beautiful women then sinking my teeth into their necks is fun. Finding no blood stains on my clothes after a night out is fun. Resolutions are not fun.

Alas even a Vampire Kings has to do things to amuse his lovers, so I made a resolution. I told Gillian that I would take it upon myself to learn all there is to know about the games held in the huge arena where large men play with their balls before a cheering crowd.

She told me not to say that to others. I questioned her about that. Why should I not talk about sport? It is the only thing men are allowed to speak freely about. She said it was how I used the expression, “their balls.” I did not understand.  Then Gillian told me not to be a fool. I called her a bitch. She locked me out of the bedroom. It was not a good night.

I will make a resolution to ignore her next time she asks me to do resolutions and talk about the confusing sports of idiots with balls.

~ Vlad

__________

Dear Diary,

Balls. Now I know what BALLS is. Why did not a soul tell me about balls? Back when I was Vampire King heads and balls would roll. Now I look back and realize I sounded like a young boy laughing at his first vulgar jest.

~ Vlad

___________

Dear Diary,

Balls! How did I not know?

~ Vlad

___________

Dear Diary,

I brought Gillian a case of Romance Writers’s Blood, and a diamond bracelet. She is now happy with me again.

Tonight we went out in the city streets to see fireworks and other lights in the old part of town.

As Gillian and I walked through the crowds I could see heads turning, and eyes upon me. They smile and whisper to each other. “Oh my God,” they say, “he is so cute.” I do not understand what this cute means, but I do know it is important.

One New Year’s Eve when I a young Vampire of eighteen years my Auntie Dorgania said, “Vlad it is too bad you do not have the dangerous hooked nose, the pointed chin, and dark large eyebrows of your grandfather, and your uncles. He made those who saw him in his magnificent robes recoil with fear, but also bow with respect. Vlad, you are hardly a figure to be noticed. You are like your father. You are more like a woman. Do you have anything under your tunic or just a smooth spot like a fork in young tree branches? You will be nothing. That is too bad. You have so many other talents. Maybe I should sew you a dress. You should grow your blonde locks and braid them with pretty red ribbons. I will find you a husband who will beat you into submission.” The she laughed and licked her lips like a dog. We were not alone. Everyone at the party in the great room of the castle laughed with her.

I went home and looked into a mirror. It was nothing but fog and I had a hard time finding my reflection. I caught my eyes and my image became clear. I did not look like a woman. Yet, the cruel words of Auntie Dorgania still stung. Later that year I sent a pack of wolves after her horse and she was never seen again.

My father kept saying, “I wonder what happened to Dorgania?” I said nothing. I kept her skull for many years then gave it to a monk who made it into a goblet and gave it to a nun he was in love with. Nobody can accuse me of not believing in true love.

Tonight I walked proud, as I had when I finally became King of the Vampires. I was no longer the ruler of anything but I was coldly confident and content.

For Vampires the eve of a new year is the time for secrets. I asked Gillian how she became a Vampire. I have known her for four hundred years but never had heard her story. She smiled and kissed me under the first explosion of fireworks. I forgot about her secrets.

Gillian and I dined in the dark basements of the old city on merry makers. They slept well, and we celebrated. Then we made resolutions. Only two.

  1. We will learn games with big and small balls.
  2. We will drink no bad blood.

Then we wished all we saw, and all who saw us, a Happy New Year, as much as two Vampires in love can wish anyone anything, which isn’t much. That is our nature after all.

~ Vlad

 

 

Ask Juliette: “I don’t want to do it” Edition, plus Vampires and Religion

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular feature on vampiremaman.com.

If you have a question for Juliette, or something to discuss send me a message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com, or post your question in the comment section below.

This week is sort of like the “I don’t want to do it” edition. I also answer a question about Vampires and religion.

Ask Juliette

Dear Juliette,

Hypothetically, you give me a book to read because you think it’ll be helpful to what I’m going through and also helpful for you. We both know I don’t want to read it but you insist that I do. You tell me I don’t have to but continue to vouch for the book. In the end, I say yes to appease you and a part of myself that wants to read.

I read the first chapter and take a break from it. It’s a bit of a long break. After my break, I realize, I really don’t want to continue reading it. Should I keep reading?

This is just a glimmer of the situation I’m in, the decision I have to make but it’s the best analogy I have come up with.

You read the first chapter. You didn’t want to read the rest of it. End of story. Period. Return the book. You don’t need to explain anything.

I love to share books, but that said, reading is such a personal thing. Book clubs are great, but I like to feel like I own the book that I’m reading. I want to savor it. I don’t want my reading experience to be forced.

What you’re describing sounds like a control issue. Someone doesn’t think you can manage your own life. Usually when this sort of thing happens, the book lender is someone who can’t control HER life. I bet it goes beyond the book and into other areas of your life.

Be it a job, an education path, a relationship, or a book, you have the right to refuse options given to you by others. If you don’t want to be a cook, and you hate being a cook, don’t be obligated to your brother Jeb if he gets you a job as a cook. Just like if your friend Ramona asks you to read “Twilight,” and you can’t stand the idea of sparkly Vampires who stalk high school girls then don’t read it.

A few months ago a relative of mine turned down a book I’d given her because the author uses too many F bombs in the dialog. I understand. No problem. I still read the books, but I’m not offended that my relative does not.

In turn if everyone in your family want to Cambridge University, it is ok if you study art in Florence. I want to study art in Florence too – let’s go.

Again: Don’t read the book unless you want to, especially if it is going to be a painful or uncomfortable experience. You aren’t obligated to give a reason. If this is someone who is constantly pressuring you, giving you advice, or you might even want to check the entire relationship back into the library.

Friends don’t always have to agree on everything. Everyone is different. We all find our peace, and solutions to life’s challenges in different ways. A book might work for your friend, but long evening walks might be your way to deal with those challenges.

People who care about you will walk that path of life by your side. But if they really care they’ll let you take your own side path, and then meet them later. You are the one who gets to decide the path of your journey. You’re also the one who gets to decide what you read.

Good luck on this. Hugs. Thanks for writing.

Unknown

Dear Juliette,

Every December 29 my friends give a New Year’s Eve party and invite my family. Dinner is at 6:00 and we just stand around until midnight. Every year I end up bored and spending most of the night avoiding a couple of my friend’s friends who openly disapprove of me and my lifestyle. Last year I was uncomfortable and bored out of my mind. Even other friends of mine who showed up fell asleep on the couch. I spent about an hour in a bathroom playing games on my phone and nobody noticed I was gone. My husband says we have to go because the hosts are good friends – and we usually have a blast with them. Do we have to go?

You have several options.

  1. Go for a few minutes but don’t stay.
  2. Go later just in time to yell Happy New Year and then go home.
  3. Kindly RSVP and say you have other plans.
  4. Go but drink more than usual and take an Uber home.
  5. Suggest a game of Beer Pong.
  6. Figure out why other events were a blast and try to do that again.
  7. Just ignore the bitches who act like bitches. They aren’t worth you’re time.

A word to hosts: When you have a party don’t just invite everyone you know. Invite people you know will get along and enjoy each other’s company. If there is nothing to do for hours, then plan activities like fun games (grown up will like), show some movies, or have a wine tasting session, or something interesting. Think about parties that worked and the reasons why those parties worked.

Good luck, and whatever you do, have a happy New Year’s Eve.

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Dear Juliette,

With Christmas coming up I was wondering if Vampires celebrate Christmas, and if they have a religion. Do Vampires worship Satan? Are they Pagans.

Ho Ho NO, we, Vampires, are not Satan Worshipers. There might be a few, but if you spend any time with demons you will want to do anything but worship that Devil Dude.

Most Vampires, who were not born that way, which is most Vampires, come into it with some religious background. It is not exclusive to one religion or the other. Most Vampires I know came in with a Judea Christian belief system.

Vampires can see, and communicate with, Ghosts, Demons, Banshees, and other beings unseen by the normal Human eye. Consequently being an Atheist quickly becomes a thing of the past. You might not see an all-seeing-eye but you pretty much see everything, and everyone else.

Over the centuries many Vampires have become part of the clergy. They have been Catholic priests, nuns, rabbis, clerics, preachers, and ministers of all sorts. Sometimes it works out, but usually it becomes a mask to hide what one really is.

We like churches and other places of worship, mainly because Vampires love music, and most have unusually beautiful singing voices. But every other aspect of a church is uncomfortable. The vibes are just off. It is hard to explain.

Within the Vampire cultures are old societies which have made their own traditions based upon ancient Judea Christian cultures, and holidays. In Asia, and Africa the Vampires tend to linger on the edge of those belief systems, or create their own forms of spirituality.

A lot of new Vampires (those who have recently become Vampires) tend to go through an existentialist period. They wonder if anything does matter at all, considering their world has just been knocked off of its rocker. Even if one has a realistic idea of what it is like to be a Vampire, until you’re there, you have no idea what you’re getting into. Even the most idealistic and romantic of Vampires has a harsh adjustment period – and that adjust period includes questioning one’s very existence, and the existence of one’s soul.

We all know that Vampires have two souls, contrary to popular belief. One soul belongs to the individual, and one of for the shadow. Unlike human souls, these can’t be bought, sold, or taken away, or otherwise forfeited. That pisses off the Demons and their boss to no end.

There ARE Vampires who have no souls. Those are the Vampires who are reanimated after their soul completely leaves their body and moves on. They have completely lost any traces of humanity, love, hope, sorrow, empathy, or sense of a past or a future. They are husks of beings who live to drink blood, like ticks in human form.

So what about Pagans? I don’t know any. I suppose if one wants to do that they can. Over the years there have been odd little pockets of Vampires who study old ways. Eleora (who is over 2,000 years old) said most people she knew who were what we today consider Pagans stopped the religion because they were tired of human sacrifices. Aside from that she said they tended to be hostile towards Vampires, Selkies, and other folks who were different.

Most of us believe that we are the ones who determine our own fate. There are forces in the world that we can’t control, but we can control how we navigate those forces.

Do we pray? Maybe. Who do we pray to? That my dear is a personal matter, not to be shouted out in public, just as our existence as Vampires is not to be shouted out in public.

I guess to answer an age old question, and mythology of crosses and Vampires shunning anything to do with holy water or whatever, has an answer. In fact my great great great great Grandmama Lola will tell you loud and clear – as she tells you about how her first husband Thomas was burned to death but people who claimed that we were Devils. It is dangerous for us to go into places where people see us as evil. Yes, bad things happen to good Vampires.

As for Christmas… of course we celebrate Christmas. I just put my lights out on my front porch tonight.

Peace be with you.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Starry-Night-by-Vincent-Van-Gogh

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular feature on vampiremaman.com.

If you have a question for Juliette, or something to discuss send me a message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com, or post your question in the comment section below.

Ask Juliette