Conversations on Trout and Life with Vampires

Conversations on Trout and Life with Vampires

One morning in August of 2015 morning Garrett (then age 19) and I stopped by to see Great Great Great Grandmama Lola. Even as Vampires go she is old (born the same year as Geoffrey Chaucer), but she looks all of twenty-six.

In her living room was a large fish tank. Garrett immediately went over to check it out. “When did you get this Grams?”

“Last week. I caught the fish myself. Aren’t they lovely.”

In the tank were two rainbow trout, fresh from the river. I could have given her flack about catching wild fish but I didn’t. It would have been a waste of my breath.

Garrett held out his arm and an African Gray parrot landed on his wrist. Lola claims the parrot is over 200 years old but I never know what to think. She has had the bird for over 80 years so she could very well be right. But then I never know with Lola.

I noticed a pair of boots on the floor, tucked halfway under the coffee table.

“Company?” I asked.

“Upstairs sleeping. He’ll sleep for the rest of the day so you don’t have to worry about any awkward moments.”

“So he is just a Regular Human and not a Vampire?”

“Of course,” said Lola. “He works nights for the Highway Patrol. I think it was the boots that did it for me, well that and everything after he took the boots off. Anyway, I’ve made sure he won’t wake up for another six hours at least.”

Then she looked at me and smiled. “Remember the time, when we sat on the wall on the boardwalk watching the ocean and smoking cigarettes for hours. There must have been a thousand shooting stars that night. Then we went dancing with the two brothers from San Francisco.  I could taste the whiskey in their blood. Oh God, I can smell the salt air thinking about it. Do you remember? They were so funny. We couldn’t stop laughing.”

“They both died in the trenches,” I said.

“Trenches? World War One?” Garret asked.

“Yes,” said Lola. “You’ll learn that…” she paused. Then she twisted her long curls into a knot on top of her head, then took a deep breath. “I know you’ve thought about this Garrett. Over the years you’ll meet a lot of people and you won’t forget any of them. Some will go to the back of your mind of course. But what I’m trying to say is you need to respect the memories of those you come across and respect their lives. Respect those you entertain for blood, as well as those you entertain for company. They are more than prey. Respect that.”

“I do respect them. Believe me Grams, I do.”

“Good,” said Lola. “You’ve raised him right Juliette.”

On the way home I thought about those young men, Albert and Hubert. Al and Bert. I thought that war would be the last. We all had that sort of wishful stupid thinking. But no such luck. People are still as stupid and evil as ever. Thank God I was born a Vampire.

Garrett said he wanted to invite Lola down to see him at college. I thought it was a good idea. It is always nice when grandparents visit their college aged grand children, even is the grandparent looks more like a sister.

Lola still suffers from nightmares of things that happened long ago. She has shakes from bouts with Vampire Hunters and scars that have never quiet healed on her body and spirit. She won’t admit it. She lies and says she is alright. I have to admit that we all do that to some extent.

So I excuse her for keeping trout in her living room, and a parrot who sings dirty songs in French and Italian. I excuse her for having men with six pack abs in her bed sleeping off blood loss from the night before. I really don’t need to excuse her, because I accept her. There isn’t anything wrong with her.

I find myself wondering if the mom in me has made me think in ways that are too prim and proper for my own good.

A few days  later I was laughing at this (look below at the funny from Classical Art Memes.)

11892026_10206008891440486_355424747510924402_n

And my daughter (then 16) said, “Most parents would have no idea what this means, and you’re laughing out loud at it. That is what makes you the cool mom.”

I don’t always feel cool, but I can out hip any hipster. What was that song? Make “Em Laugh. You know, Donald O’Connor. Look it up on YouTube. I can Make Em’ Laugh. And I can out hip. Yes I can and without looking stupid. Vampires invented hip.

I doubt if my grandkids (when I have them in the far future) will find a 32-year-old CHP officer in my bed, but I’ll be relevant. I’ll be more than relevant. Even now my kids aren’t embarrassed to be with me. Granted we’re Vampires, but teens are teens. Holy crap, I wouldn’t want to be a Werewolf parent. Their kids are weird.

So anyway, just keep laughing, and loving, and don’t bring wild game home, or CHP officers if you can help it (I don’t care how good looking he is.)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Lola

Lola

Ask Juliette: Werewolf Edition, Plus Love, Pets, The Universe, and More.

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature here at Vampire Maman. All questions are from my readers. Many of this week’s peanut gallery of questions are about Werewolves, but I’ll also answer questions about love, quantum physics, eyeballs, crying pretty and more. Oh boy.

If you have any burning questions about love, life, Vampires, teens, parenting, pets, or anything just ask. I can be reached at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com

 

Ask Juliette

 

Dear Juliette,

Why do Werewolves smell so bad?

~ Disgusted

 

Dear Disgusted,

Obviously you’ve been unfortunate enough to be near a Werewolf in wolf form. Werewolves are like teenage boys. They go through massive changes in their body chemistry and everything just goes crazy. Plus they are around urine, sweat, gross stuff on the ground, sweat, dirt, and slobber. What that is all mixed together the bacteria sets in and it is just gross. The bacteria that loves Werewolves is so strong.

That is why most Werewolves in human form are insanely fastidious about their personal hygiene.

~ Juliette

images

 

Dear Juliette,

My son has taken a liking to facial piercings. I don’t really mind them. Lots of young people have them. But when is enough enough?

~ Holy Mother of Bob

 

Dear Holy Mother of Bob,

Four. More than that makes a man look like a piercing, not a man with piercings. But first and foremost watch for infections. I see a lot of young people with infected eyebrow piercings. Make sure he goes to a professional to get the piercings done – for both safety and good placement.

~ Juliette

wings

 

Dear Juliette,

If my dog goes into heat during a full moon, do I have to worry about werewolves being attracted to her? I’m not sure I could handle Were-puppies.

~ Friend of the Fur

 

Dear Friend,

First of all do the responsible thing and have your dog spayed (fixed.) But no, your dog is safe. Werewolves like other Werewolves.

~ Juliette

 

Dear Juliette,

Why is love so complicated?

~ Love Lorn

 

Dear Love Lorn,

As the World’s foremost expert on love letters I’ve often pondered this question.

Hell, I don’t know.

~ Juliette

 

true love with heart small

 

Dear Juliette,

Every day when I go to work, I leave my kitchen spotless. Nobody is home except the dogs and the cat. When I get home, the place is a disaster! Unfinished food and dirty dishes everywhere! Do I have a Poltergeist, or am I delusional about the quality of my housework?

~ Puzzled

 

Dear Puzzled,

No, you aren’t delusional, and it is not the cat or dog. You have a teenager in your house.

~ Juliette

 

laughing kitten

Dear Juliette,

Do Werewolves control when they change?

~ Curious

 

Dear Curious,

I’m assuming you aren’t talking about changing clothes.

Yes, most Werewolves can change, or partially (this is usually the case) on demand, especially when they are angry. Most don’t. It just isn’t socially acceptable. Unfortunately they can’t control changing under a full moon. There is no way around it. Full Moon = Werewolf Transformation.

~ Juliette

vswirl2

 

Dear Juliette,

I fell really super hard today, on cement. And I really super ugly cried. Is there a way to cry pretty? Thanks any advice will be helpful.

~ Girlie

 

Dear Girlie,

Sitting on the ground howling like a Werewolf under a full moon isn’t going to fly. Yes, you can cry pretty, or at least not so ugly. Learn to suck up your pain like an adult. Dig your fingernails into your palms until you bleed – but don’t cry, don’t howl, don’t be a big baby. Just a simple single tear, and bravery is the most attractive and sexy way to fall and bleed.

Saying a sad and small, “I’m ok, really,” as you wipe away the blood will make you far more attractive than a face puffed up from too many tears. Give it a try. You’ll thank me for it later.

~ Juliette

 

vswirl2

Dear Juliette,

Is something wrong with me that I would rather be a bird than a human. I try really hard to shapeshift but nothing happens. It makes me sad. Do I need therapy?

~ Grounded

 

Dear Grounded,

We all have longings to be something we are not. Get over it.

~ Juliette

 

 

Dear Juliette,

I took a shower last night and as I was drying myself I felt a tail growing. It scares me. I have been getting hungry for raw meat too. Is this what happens when you turn to a werewolf? Scared. Please help.

~ Looking Behind Me

 

Dear Looking,

No, you are not turning into a Werewolf. You are turning into a minor Demon. You need help, and fast. If you start to get hooves call a farrier ASAP.

~ Juliette

 

Ask Juliette

 

Dear Juliette,

Hi, is there a parallel universe? Being me but living a different life?

~ Just Me for Now

 

Dear Just Me,

Why yes, there is a parallel universe and a different you is in it.

For those readers who aren’t familiar with the concept: The multiverse is a theory in which our universe is not the only one, but states that many universes exist parallel to each other. These distinct universes within the multiverse theory are called parallel universes.

There are those who believe they have seen people from parallel universes coming into ours. Most of those are ghosts sightings or your garden variety annoying time travelers. We already have enough of our own weirdness without complicating it with the idea of people jumping from one universe to another.

In fact, this morning I asked Nigel the Ghost about it. He said “Fuck that. I’m not from a parallel universe,” and then he vanished in a cloud of blue vapor. Who knows when I’ll see him again.

Yes, there are those people who believe they have seen their other self.

Some believe that we can sometimes have precognitive dreams or Deja-vu due to our connection to our other self in parallel universe.

Of course I can’t even spell parallel much less consider the ramifications of meeting another me. It would be weird. Would she be a Vampire? Would she be the person I always wanted to be? Would she be so different that I would hardly recognize her? Would I have an emotional tie to her? Would the experience change me? Could we switch lives for a while just to try it out?

The best film I’ve ever seen about this is Another Earth. Check it out.

~ Juliette

images

 

Dear Juliette,

I teach biology and, consequently have several models of the human eye in my room. I feel like I’m never alone in my classroom and that I’m constantly being watched. While I never see the models move, I’m pretty sure they’re tracking me. Can you shed any light on the validity of this feeling?

~ Bio Teacher

 

Dear Bio Teacher,

The eyes have it! HA HA HA I couldn’t resist…

We all know eyes are the mirror to the soul.

It is well known that many subjects of paintings seem to follow one with their eyes around a gallery. It has to do with the way a painting is created and a canvas’ lack of the third dimension we find in real life. The elements of shadow, light and perspective,of  some paintings will give you the feeling of being watched. The skill of the painter also has a lot to do with that and how the eyes are painted. I believe too that the painter puts part of his/her soul into a portrait. Just look at Van Gogh’s self portraits, or Vermeer’s The Girl with the Pearl Earring.

Dolls, especially old dolls (for example German Armand Marseille dolls) will seem to follow one around a room as well. I have to admit that I like the idea that they get up in the middle of the night and hover over beds to watch sleeping people…but I’m getting off subject.

As for your model eyes, they are possessed. Yep, plain and simple. Now everyone can say you have that haunted look in your eyes. Get used to it. On the other hand it can’t be weirder than being a mom – because you know moms have eyes in the back of their heads.

~ Juliette

Girl with a Pearl Earring, oil on canvas, 1665.

Girl with a Pearl Earring, 1665.

 

Dear Juliette,

My parrot pooped gold nuggets and when I went to a dealer he verified it was real gold. He asked me where I got this gold because it is the purest gold he’s ever seen? Should I tell anyone?

~ Parrot Mom

 

Dear Parrot Mom,

I have to admit that is better than chicken nuggets any day. No. Are you kidding? Don’t tell anyone. Good Parrot!

~ Juliette

 

fruit bat cutie

If you have any questions for next Thursday send them to me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Conversations on Trout and Life with Vampires

This morning Garrett (age 19) and I stopped by to see Great Great Great Grandmama Lola. Even as Vampires go she is old (born the same year as Geoffrey Chaucer), but she looks all of twenty-six.

In her living room was a large fish tank. Garrett immediately went over to check it out. “When did you get this Grams?”

“Last week. I caught the fish myself. Aren’t they lovely.”

In the tank were two rainbow trout, fresh from the river. I could have given her flack about catching wild fish but I didn’t. It would have been a waste of my breath.

Garrett held out his arm and an African Gray parrot landed on his wrist. Lola claims the parrot is over 200 years old but I never know what to think. She has had the bird for over 80 years so she could very well be right. But then I never know with Lola.

I noticed a pair of boots on the floor, tucked halfway under the coffee table.

“Company?” I asked.

“Upstairs sleeping. He’ll sleep for the rest of the day so you don’t have to worry about any awkward moments.”

“So he is just a Regular Human and not a Vampire?”

“Of course,” said Lola. “He works nights for the Highway Patrol. I think it was the boots that did it for me, well that and everything after he took the boots off. Anyway, I’ve made sure he won’t wake up for another six hours at least.”

Then she looked at me and smiled. “Remember the time, when we sat on the wall on the boardwalk watching the ocean and smoking cigarettes for hours. There must have been a thousand shooting stars that night. Then we went dancing with the two brothers from San Francisco.  I could taste the whiskey in their blood. Oh God, I can smell the salt air thinking about it. Do you remember? They were so funny. We couldn’t stop laughing.”

“They both died in the trenches,” I said.

“Trenches? World War One?” Garret asked.

“Yes,” said Lola. “You’ll learn that…” she paused. Then she twisted her long curls into a knot on top of her head, then took a deep breath. “I know you’ve thought about this Garrett. Over the years you’ll meet a lot of people and you won’t forget any of them. Some will go to the back of your mind of course. But what I’m trying to say is you need to respect the memories of those you come across and respect their lives. Respect those you entertain for blood, as well as those you entertain for company. They are more than prey. Respect that.”

“I do respect them. Believe me Grams, I do.”

“Good,” said Lola. “You’ve raised him right Juliette.”

On the way home I thought about those young men, Albert and Hubert. Al and Bert. I thought that war would be the last. We all had that sort of wishful stupid thinking. But no such luck. People are still as stupid and evil as ever. Thank God I was born a Vampire.

Garrett said he wanted to invite Lola down to see him at college. I thought it was a good idea. It is always nice when grandparents visit their college aged grand children, even is the grandparent looks more like a sister.

Lola still suffers from nightmares of things that happened long ago. She has shakes from bouts with Vampire Hunters and scars that have never quiet healed on her body and spirit. She won’t admit it. She lies and says she is alright. I have to admit that we all do that to some extent.

So I excuse her for keeping trout in her living room, and a parrot who sings dirty songs in French and Italian. I excuse her for having men with six pack abs in her bed sleeping off blood loss from the night before. I really don’t need to excuse her, because I accept her. There isn’t anything wrong with her.

I find myself wondering if the mom in me has made me think in ways that are too prim and proper for my own good.

A few days ago I was laughing at this (look below at the funny from Classical Art Memes.)

11892026_10206008891440486_355424747510924402_n

And my sixteen year old said, “Most parents would have no idea what this means, and you’re laughing out loud at it. That is what makes you the cool mom.”

I don’t always feel cool, but I can out hip any hipster. What was that song? Make “Em Laugh. You know, Donald O’Connor. Look it up on YouTube. I can Make Em’ Laugh. And I can out hip. Yes I can and without looking stupid. Vampires invented hip.

I doubt if my grandkids (when I have them in the far future) will find a 32-year-old CHP officer in my bed, but I’ll be relevant. I’ll be more than relevant. Even now my kids aren’t embarrassed to be with me. Granted we’re Vampires, but teens are teens. Holy crap, I wouldn’t want to be a Werewolf parent. Their kids are weird.

So anyway, just keep laughing, and loving, and don’t bring wild game home, or CHP officers if you can help it (I don’t care how good looking he is.)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Lola

Lola