Ask Juliette: Werewolf Edition, Plus Love, Pets, The Universe, and More.

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature here at Vampire Maman. All questions are from my readers. Many of this week’s peanut gallery of questions are about Werewolves, but I’ll also answer questions about love, quantum physics, eyeballs, crying pretty and more. Oh boy.

If you have any burning questions about love, life, Vampires, teens, parenting, pets, or anything just ask. I can be reached at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com


Ask Juliette


Dear Juliette,

Why do Werewolves smell so bad?

~ Disgusted


Dear Disgusted,

Obviously you’ve been unfortunate enough to be near a Werewolf in wolf form. Werewolves are like teenage boys. They go through massive changes in their body chemistry and everything just goes crazy. Plus they are around urine, sweat, gross stuff on the ground, sweat, dirt, and slobber. What that is all mixed together the bacteria sets in and it is just gross. The bacteria that loves Werewolves is so strong.

That is why most Werewolves in human form are insanely fastidious about their personal hygiene.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

My son has taken a liking to facial piercings. I don’t really mind them. Lots of young people have them. But when is enough enough?

~ Holy Mother of Bob


Dear Holy Mother of Bob,

Four. More than that makes a man look like a piercing, not a man with piercings. But first and foremost watch for infections. I see a lot of young people with infected eyebrow piercings. Make sure he goes to a professional to get the piercings done – for both safety and good placement.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

If my dog goes into heat during a full moon, do I have to worry about werewolves being attracted to her? I’m not sure I could handle Were-puppies.

~ Friend of the Fur


Dear Friend,

First of all do the responsible thing and have your dog spayed (fixed.) But no, your dog is safe. Werewolves like other Werewolves.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

Why is love so complicated?

~ Love Lorn


Dear Love Lorn,

As the World’s foremost expert on love letters I’ve often pondered this question.

Hell, I don’t know.

~ Juliette


true love with heart small


Dear Juliette,

Every day when I go to work, I leave my kitchen spotless. Nobody is home except the dogs and the cat. When I get home, the place is a disaster! Unfinished food and dirty dishes everywhere! Do I have a Poltergeist, or am I delusional about the quality of my housework?

~ Puzzled


Dear Puzzled,

No, you aren’t delusional, and it is not the cat or dog. You have a teenager in your house.

~ Juliette


laughing kitten

Dear Juliette,

Do Werewolves control when they change?

~ Curious


Dear Curious,

I’m assuming you aren’t talking about changing clothes.

Yes, most Werewolves can change, or partially (this is usually the case) on demand, especially when they are angry. Most don’t. It just isn’t socially acceptable. Unfortunately they can’t control changing under a full moon. There is no way around it. Full Moon = Werewolf Transformation.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

I fell really super hard today, on cement. And I really super ugly cried. Is there a way to cry pretty? Thanks any advice will be helpful.

~ Girlie


Dear Girlie,

Sitting on the ground howling like a Werewolf under a full moon isn’t going to fly. Yes, you can cry pretty, or at least not so ugly. Learn to suck up your pain like an adult. Dig your fingernails into your palms until you bleed – but don’t cry, don’t howl, don’t be a big baby. Just a simple single tear, and bravery is the most attractive and sexy way to fall and bleed.

Saying a sad and small, “I’m ok, really,” as you wipe away the blood will make you far more attractive than a face puffed up from too many tears. Give it a try. You’ll thank me for it later.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

Is something wrong with me that I would rather be a bird than a human. I try really hard to shapeshift but nothing happens. It makes me sad. Do I need therapy?

~ Grounded


Dear Grounded,

We all have longings to be something we are not. Get over it.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

I took a shower last night and as I was drying myself I felt a tail growing. It scares me. I have been getting hungry for raw meat too. Is this what happens when you turn to a werewolf? Scared. Please help.

~ Looking Behind Me


Dear Looking,

No, you are not turning into a Werewolf. You are turning into a minor Demon. You need help, and fast. If you start to get hooves call a farrier ASAP.

~ Juliette


Ask Juliette


Dear Juliette,

Hi, is there a parallel universe? Being me but living a different life?

~ Just Me for Now


Dear Just Me,

Why yes, there is a parallel universe and a different you is in it.

For those readers who aren’t familiar with the concept: The multiverse is a theory in which our universe is not the only one, but states that many universes exist parallel to each other. These distinct universes within the multiverse theory are called parallel universes.

There are those who believe they have seen people from parallel universes coming into ours. Most of those are ghosts sightings or your garden variety annoying time travelers. We already have enough of our own weirdness without complicating it with the idea of people jumping from one universe to another.

In fact, this morning I asked Nigel the Ghost about it. He said “Fuck that. I’m not from a parallel universe,” and then he vanished in a cloud of blue vapor. Who knows when I’ll see him again.

Yes, there are those people who believe they have seen their other self.

Some believe that we can sometimes have precognitive dreams or Deja-vu due to our connection to our other self in parallel universe.

Of course I can’t even spell parallel much less consider the ramifications of meeting another me. It would be weird. Would she be a Vampire? Would she be the person I always wanted to be? Would she be so different that I would hardly recognize her? Would I have an emotional tie to her? Would the experience change me? Could we switch lives for a while just to try it out?

The best film I’ve ever seen about this is Another Earth. Check it out.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

I teach biology and, consequently have several models of the human eye in my room. I feel like I’m never alone in my classroom and that I’m constantly being watched. While I never see the models move, I’m pretty sure they’re tracking me. Can you shed any light on the validity of this feeling?

~ Bio Teacher


Dear Bio Teacher,

The eyes have it! HA HA HA I couldn’t resist…

We all know eyes are the mirror to the soul.

It is well known that many subjects of paintings seem to follow one with their eyes around a gallery. It has to do with the way a painting is created and a canvas’ lack of the third dimension we find in real life. The elements of shadow, light and perspective,of  some paintings will give you the feeling of being watched. The skill of the painter also has a lot to do with that and how the eyes are painted. I believe too that the painter puts part of his/her soul into a portrait. Just look at Van Gogh’s self portraits, or Vermeer’s The Girl with the Pearl Earring.

Dolls, especially old dolls (for example German Armand Marseille dolls) will seem to follow one around a room as well. I have to admit that I like the idea that they get up in the middle of the night and hover over beds to watch sleeping people…but I’m getting off subject.

As for your model eyes, they are possessed. Yep, plain and simple. Now everyone can say you have that haunted look in your eyes. Get used to it. On the other hand it can’t be weirder than being a mom – because you know moms have eyes in the back of their heads.

~ Juliette

Girl with a Pearl Earring, oil on canvas, 1665.
Girl with a Pearl Earring, 1665.


Dear Juliette,

My parrot pooped gold nuggets and when I went to a dealer he verified it was real gold. He asked me where I got this gold because it is the purest gold he’s ever seen? Should I tell anyone?

~ Parrot Mom


Dear Parrot Mom,

I have to admit that is better than chicken nuggets any day. No. Are you kidding? Don’t tell anyone. Good Parrot!

~ Juliette


fruit bat cutie

If you have any questions for next Thursday send them to me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman



  1. I read a theory once where a new parallel (Who decided parallel should have the double L’s in the middle rather than the end anyway?) universe is created for every single instance where the timeline can “fork.” Somewhere out there, a whole new world was created where an alternate me decided not to bother leaving a comment on this post… and that alternate me will go to bed 2 minutes earlier by saving that time, and he’ll wake up 2 minutes earlier in the morning, and he’ll leave for lunch two minutes earlier and end up in the wrong place at the wrong time when a meteor slams down on his car.

    Whew! Thank you for saving me by encouraging me to comment!

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