As I walked downstairs from my bedroom I wondered how many tons of cat vomit is flushed down toilets each year?

At 4:12 a.m. the dog had asked to go out. As I made it to the entryway I saw that the poor thing couldn’t wait. She had tummy troubles and made a huge mess. She is a large dog at 85 pounds, so believe me it was a huge mess. After taking a large bag full of the mess out to the garbage I sprayed the carpet and now I’m waiting to scrub it. Fortunately for me the carpet is being replaced with hardwood floors soon.

So what does this have to do with parenting, vampires, or having an empty nest?

My nest is not so empty. Since there are no children in the house the animals are all more aware of MOM. We are all adjusting. The cats are eating quicker and barfing because the dog is trying to eat their food. The dog is eating cat food and getting huge runny poops. I’m trying to give all of them extra attention.

In the meantime my adult children, young but still adults now, are keeping in touch this week though the magic of the smart phone.

I just received photos of costumes from Paramount Studios, and last night photos from Griffith Park Observatory (yes, the one in LA LA Land.)

Then photos came of Pike Place Market and a friend’s new beard. This is the first beard of the group. It is well groomed, blonde, and a new trendy hair cut. Looks good.

They’re on winter break from school and off with friends, one north, and one south.

When I was that age I also tumbled into adventures, and unfortunately more misadventures. If I had the resources, and the wherewithal kids had now… Yes, I think how different it might have been, but does that matter? I’ll let my alternate universe self deal with that. I’m just happy beyond words to see I’ve given my kids the tools they need. Yes, they have those phones, but there are so many more tools one must have.

They’re curious, and full of adventure. They smart. They’re cautious. They’re playful. They’re young and without fear of the unknown.

The other day Nigel the Ghost, who left his body, ok died, around the age of 26 or 27, told me to tell my kids to treasure their youth and make the most of it.

I was feeling snarky so I said, “we’re Vampires.”

Then he said, “then treasure it all the more.”

He is right. And so, no matter who we are, what we are, or how we live, we should treasure everyday, and every experience.

I thought about all of the adventures I’ve been on with my children. There will be many more to come, and I am glad they are having their own adventures as well now. They’re building their libraries of wonderful memories. Yes, I wish I was there, but like I said, we will have our adventures too.

A new lesson for our adult children should be to savor the moments. Plan fun. Continue to play. Take breaks. Watch for falling stars. And to continue to treasure those you love.

Tell them, as they grow older, they should keep an open mind as well. My mind is much more open now than it was when I was a clueless eighteen year old.

Just remember, and this is coming from an old Vampire, to savor all moments. Even if it is just petting a cat who leans against your leg, or the quiet of a cold winter night.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman



Short Story Sunday: Dog Park

“Come with me my love on an adventure that will surpass all adventures,” he said to her with his rich masculine voice, and his dreamy brown eyes.

This was not the adventure she had expected.

She looked at her dog, a five year old, ninety-six pound German Shepard named Joe. “I suppose you want me to take you to the dog park.”

“Yes, come with me my love and I will chase balls, sniff butts, and act a fool, and you my love, my only, my queen can take me there.”

“Because you can’t drive.”

“I am but a dog. You are a woman of great power and the keeper of transportation.”

She heard a noise and turned her head. Joe turned his head at the same time.

Her husband stood in the doorway to the kitchen where she and Joe were talking.

He gasped as he looked at his wife and dog. “Joe can talk?”

“Yeah, and he can hold three tennis balls in his mouth at the same time. He’s a smart dog. Put your shoes on if you want to go with us.”

~ End


Tangled Tales



Short Story Sunday: Boys Will Be Boys


Adam had heard the stories about Luther.

When they were kids Luther would go out to the fields behind Grandma’s house and shoot anything that moved. It started with birds and rabbits. Then it moved on to cats. Luther had an almost gleeful vendetta to shoot any cat he was that wasn’t in somebody’s yard.

Luther’s parents (Adam’s aunt and uncle) just shrugged and said, “boys will be boys.” They figured that Luther wouldn’t grow up to be a sissy. When Adam told them he only shot animals with a camera they just laughed.

When Luther’s daughter was afraid of an excited terrier pup he told everyone he was going to shoot the dog. That would be after he kicked it, beat it, and refused to give it food for almost a week. Luther’s sister Belinda gave Luther an earful, called him an asshole, and took the dog. It was the second dog she’s rescued from Luther.

A few years later he starved a German Shepard. That dog was rescued by his cousin Janice.

He continued to shoot cats. His wife continued to post photos of their pets on social media. It was a different group of pets every other year. She talked of how sweet their fur babies were and how much she loved them. It sort of made Adam sick.

It reminded Adam of a strange creepy family that had rented the house next to his a few years back. The four children would look at him though cracks in the fence and say strange things.

One day the oldest, the only boy, whispered, “my sister is retarded, do you want to see her dance?” Then the child popped his head over the fence and yelled, “my sister is retarded, do you want to see her dance? My mom said you’re gay because you don’t have a family. Do you want to see our kittens?”

The parents knew the children loved kittens more than anything else. They let their cats have a littler of kittens, then they’d take the mother to the pound and keep the kittens. When the kittens started to look and act more like cats they would take them to the pound and keep one or two females to have more kittens. The sick cycle would continue.

One day Adam’s seven year old niece Aurora was visiting. The creepy children came to the fence and whispered mean things. Adam turned the hose on them. An hour later the mother of the children came over claiming that Aurora had said mean things about their special needs child. Adam called her a liar and an animal abuser and threatened to have them evicted. Luckily for Adam they were gone within a month for not paying their rent.

A nice couple with a beautiful well behaved, well loved dog moved in. They were the perfect neighbors. It turned out that they were con-artists. They’d call the County offices and file complaints against their landlord and then refuse to pay rent. It had been a pattern with them. With a little effort and a few code violations they never had to pay for lodging – never ever. Then they vanished and the landlords sold the house and Adam bought it and rented it out to friends.

Now twenty years later he was out of town for Aurora’s wedding, and the entire family was there. Aurora was hesitant about inviting Luther to the wedding, but his kids were sweet, and everybody liked his wife. Adam wondered what kind of woman would marry a man who abused animals.

At the reception Adam’s longtime girlfriend Brandy told him about Luther bragging about dumping a dog at the lake. He said everybody dumped dogs there. Then he’d laughed about it. The dog was worthless but at least he hadn’t shot it.

Adam had once asked Luther why he was so mean to animals. Luther said, “I hate cats. I don’t know why. They’re worthless. Dogs on the other hand need to know their place. If they scare my kids, or pee in the house I’m going to shoot their asses. They’re just dogs. It isn’t like they have souls.”

Luther’s girls liked puppies but only if they didn’t jump or nip like puppies tend to do.

Then Brandy looked up at the dusky sky and said, “Full moon tonight Adam.”

Adam kissed her, then went to get more wine.

“Look at the moon,” said Luther. Then he laughed. “Let’s go shoot some werewolves.”

The next morning, after the bride and groom had left for Hawaii, Luther’s wife said he was missing.

Luther was found in the woods behind Grandma’s old house. He’d been gutted by wild animals. The police said it looked like it might have been wild dogs, or maybe even a bear.

Adam and Brandy skipped the funeral and drove up the coast to his beach house. That night he lit a candle in memory of all of the cats and dogs who’d suffered abuse at the hand’s of humans.

He found Brandy in the bathroom gargling with salt water. “What’s the matter honey?” He asked her as he rubbed her back.

“I don’t know Adam. I just can’t get the bad taste out of my mouth.”

“I know the feeling well,” he said, then went to the kitchen and opened a bottle of wine. It was a nice full Zinfandel, guaranteed to mellow out the evening. He poured a glass for himself, and one for Brandy. Then he went outside and listened to the sound of the waves, and the light house horn, and tried to empty his mind, until the next full moon night.

~ End





Go Pee Pee

At 3:29 a.m. I took the dog out to go pee pee.

To make her go fast and get it all over with I have to say, “go pee pee” in a high shrill voice while trying not to wake my neighbors up.

It is as still and quiet as death out, but the dog and I both know we’re being watched by creatures of the night.

So I was outside in a robe and bare feet not really caring because A) I’m not cold, and B) Nobody can see me, and C) I don’t care if they see me.

Then I see a familiar figure standing in the middle of my street (which is really a private drive for seven houses.) He flips me off, which is his usual asshole move. I swear, nothing ruins a nice quiet evening faster than a Ghost.

The dog and I went inside to find Nigel (The Ghost) sitting on the couch in my living room.

“I have a question for your advice column Juliette. Do Vampires go pee pee,” he asked me.

“I’m not even going to answer that,” I told him.

He didn’t smile or laugh. That is almost as rare as seeing a ghost. To tell the truth seeing Ghosts isn’t rare for Vampires, but I usually don’t interact with them. They’re vile creatures for the most part.

“Don’t you have someone to haunt?” I asked.

“Only you,” he answered.

“I’m going to make coffee,” I told him. “Do you want some?”

“I can’t drink it. I’m a…”

“Ghost. I get it. You’re a bitter, obnoxious, annoying Ghost. I’ll give you a cup and you can smell it,” I said.

“Um, sure,” he said.

“Were you this annoying when you were alive?”

“Of course, only everyone thought I was charming,” he answered.

In the kitchen we sat over coffee and small talk, and the dogs and cats who also see what others cannot.

Wishing you all plenty of sleep, and coffee, and dogs who go pee pee outside rather than inside.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Unanswered Questions (about super heroes, animals, and fools falling in love)

Part 1

Batman vs Superman

When this movie first came out I thought it was about Batman and Superman fighting over the last pair of XL sized tights.

Alright, I told this joke to about twenty people and everyone, without a single exception, ignored me. I thought it was funny. I was ready to get a reaction and laugh until my side hurt.

But that brings me to a questions. Why do super heroes wear tights? If you’re a skater or a dancer you know that tights get snagged and tights get runs. What self-respecting GUY is going to fly through the air or wherever with runs in his tights?

Does Batman, and his super hero friends shave their legs? Ladies know that a big mat of leg hair under stockings and tights can show through, making for an unattractive mess.

When they wear tights do they wear footless tights and thick socks under their boots to prevent blisters? That would be the most practical because they could slip off their boots and socks and switch to flip flops on hot days. (And click here to find out why Vampires wear yellow flip flops.)

Why capes? They don’t help anyone fly. Even Vampires have given up on the whole opera cape thing. They’re not practical unless you’re going to have a picnic and forgot to bring a towel, or you’re stuck in the airport overnight and need a blanket.

Why the masks? Why don’t you want anyone to know who you are? Aren’t you proud of saving the world? Don’t you want people to be able to relate to you? Are you ugly without the mask? If you’re a super hero why are you afraid so someone knowing who you are? I mean, you’re stronger than just about anyone and have super powers so it isn’t like someone is going to hurt you anytime soon.

I’m sure there must be answers. Nobody, male or female, in my family is a big super hero fan, except, yes, we do see most of the Marvel movies. We adore the Avengers in the movies, because they’re just all so darned good looking. And who didn’t love Guardian’s of the Galaxy, but they didn’t wear tights. I can’t imagine Chris Pratt in tights. And he isn’t going to be playing a dancer anytime soon, I can almost guarantee that.


Part 2

Why do we keep animals in our homes?

My puppy eats tampons then barfs them up. My cats barf up everything else. My entire house smells like dog pee. Somebody keeps digging up my roses. My dining room chairs are covered in cat fur and cat barf. My cats fight and hate the dog. One of the cats claws up furniture. Don’t even suggest a spray bottle – that means you have to catch them in the act, and they’re sneaky little shits.

Sure they’re cute, they’re sweet, they give us unconditional love, they protect us (so I hear but I’ve yet to see that in my house), they’re funny, they make us laugh, but they’re a pain in the ass. Yes, they wrap their little paws around our hearts and don’t let go. Sigh.


Part 3

Why do fools fall in love?

When my son was in high school I’d find notes in the dryer, folded up, and now crisp. They were love letters and poems he’d penned on yellow legal pads, then folded many times and hidden in his jeans pockets, only to be found by me, his mom.

Sweet Madison
Your blonde hair blowing
In the wind
Behind your bike
I wish
You’d break up
With Mike
And Kyle, Brandon, Forest, James, Jake, Ian, Austin, Jason, Christopher, Justin


I imagine when we’re grown. You a CEO in pearls and a suit. I the most powerful Vampire in North America. You in a meadow, on a beach, in the moonlight. The wind is in your hair. You ask for a hair clip. I don’t have one because I’m a dude.  You look at me and smile then tell me you got into Yale. Your dream. Our dreams entwined. You’re leaving. I’m staying on the West Coast. You broke my heart. Damn you.

I found hundreds of those little notes scrawled out on yellow paper in fine point Sharpie or purple ball point pen. He seemed to have a thing for girls with hair blowing in the wind.

He is my romantic. Garrett is always falling in love, or out of love, or falling for the idea of love. I’ve always thought he loves the idea of love more than love.

Now he is in college and the game has changed. I’m starting to find the notes again, now that he is home for summer break.

I love the way your cool skin feels on mine.


I love the way your warm hands feel on my cool skin.

I wish I didn’t see those. He is twenty now. But cool and warm? That means he is seeing both Regular Human and Vampire girls. Yes, that is to be expected. But I didn’t want to see that. I’m his mom.

Oh well.

At least I know that he talks to me about this stuff. Even at twenty he talks to me.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman






Thank you to Evil Squirrel at Evil Squirrel’s Nest, and his inspiration on unanswered questions about Super Hereos from our friend at  Faith, Hope, and Chocolate.






Ask Juliette: Werewolf Edition, Plus Love, Pets, The Universe, and More.

Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature here at Vampire Maman. All questions are from my readers. Many of this week’s peanut gallery of questions are about Werewolves, but I’ll also answer questions about love, quantum physics, eyeballs, crying pretty and more. Oh boy.

If you have any burning questions about love, life, Vampires, teens, parenting, pets, or anything just ask. I can be reached at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com


Ask Juliette


Dear Juliette,

Why do Werewolves smell so bad?

~ Disgusted


Dear Disgusted,

Obviously you’ve been unfortunate enough to be near a Werewolf in wolf form. Werewolves are like teenage boys. They go through massive changes in their body chemistry and everything just goes crazy. Plus they are around urine, sweat, gross stuff on the ground, sweat, dirt, and slobber. What that is all mixed together the bacteria sets in and it is just gross. The bacteria that loves Werewolves is so strong.

That is why most Werewolves in human form are insanely fastidious about their personal hygiene.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

My son has taken a liking to facial piercings. I don’t really mind them. Lots of young people have them. But when is enough enough?

~ Holy Mother of Bob


Dear Holy Mother of Bob,

Four. More than that makes a man look like a piercing, not a man with piercings. But first and foremost watch for infections. I see a lot of young people with infected eyebrow piercings. Make sure he goes to a professional to get the piercings done – for both safety and good placement.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

If my dog goes into heat during a full moon, do I have to worry about werewolves being attracted to her? I’m not sure I could handle Were-puppies.

~ Friend of the Fur


Dear Friend,

First of all do the responsible thing and have your dog spayed (fixed.) But no, your dog is safe. Werewolves like other Werewolves.

~ Juliette


Dear Juliette,

Why is love so complicated?

~ Love Lorn


Dear Love Lorn,

As the World’s foremost expert on love letters I’ve often pondered this question.

Hell, I don’t know.

~ Juliette


true love with heart small


Dear Juliette,

Every day when I go to work, I leave my kitchen spotless. Nobody is home except the dogs and the cat. When I get home, the place is a disaster! Unfinished food and dirty dishes everywhere! Do I have a Poltergeist, or am I delusional about the quality of my housework?

~ Puzzled


Dear Puzzled,

No, you aren’t delusional, and it is not the cat or dog. You have a teenager in your house.

~ Juliette


laughing kitten

Dear Juliette,

Do Werewolves control when they change?

~ Curious


Dear Curious,

I’m assuming you aren’t talking about changing clothes.

Yes, most Werewolves can change, or partially (this is usually the case) on demand, especially when they are angry. Most don’t. It just isn’t socially acceptable. Unfortunately they can’t control changing under a full moon. There is no way around it. Full Moon = Werewolf Transformation.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

I fell really super hard today, on cement. And I really super ugly cried. Is there a way to cry pretty? Thanks any advice will be helpful.

~ Girlie


Dear Girlie,

Sitting on the ground howling like a Werewolf under a full moon isn’t going to fly. Yes, you can cry pretty, or at least not so ugly. Learn to suck up your pain like an adult. Dig your fingernails into your palms until you bleed – but don’t cry, don’t howl, don’t be a big baby. Just a simple single tear, and bravery is the most attractive and sexy way to fall and bleed.

Saying a sad and small, “I’m ok, really,” as you wipe away the blood will make you far more attractive than a face puffed up from too many tears. Give it a try. You’ll thank me for it later.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

Is something wrong with me that I would rather be a bird than a human. I try really hard to shapeshift but nothing happens. It makes me sad. Do I need therapy?

~ Grounded


Dear Grounded,

We all have longings to be something we are not. Get over it.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

I took a shower last night and as I was drying myself I felt a tail growing. It scares me. I have been getting hungry for raw meat too. Is this what happens when you turn to a werewolf? Scared. Please help.

~ Looking Behind Me


Dear Looking,

No, you are not turning into a Werewolf. You are turning into a minor Demon. You need help, and fast. If you start to get hooves call a farrier ASAP.

~ Juliette


Ask Juliette


Dear Juliette,

Hi, is there a parallel universe? Being me but living a different life?

~ Just Me for Now


Dear Just Me,

Why yes, there is a parallel universe and a different you is in it.

For those readers who aren’t familiar with the concept: The multiverse is a theory in which our universe is not the only one, but states that many universes exist parallel to each other. These distinct universes within the multiverse theory are called parallel universes.

There are those who believe they have seen people from parallel universes coming into ours. Most of those are ghosts sightings or your garden variety annoying time travelers. We already have enough of our own weirdness without complicating it with the idea of people jumping from one universe to another.

In fact, this morning I asked Nigel the Ghost about it. He said “Fuck that. I’m not from a parallel universe,” and then he vanished in a cloud of blue vapor. Who knows when I’ll see him again.

Yes, there are those people who believe they have seen their other self.

Some believe that we can sometimes have precognitive dreams or Deja-vu due to our connection to our other self in parallel universe.

Of course I can’t even spell parallel much less consider the ramifications of meeting another me. It would be weird. Would she be a Vampire? Would she be the person I always wanted to be? Would she be so different that I would hardly recognize her? Would I have an emotional tie to her? Would the experience change me? Could we switch lives for a while just to try it out?

The best film I’ve ever seen about this is Another Earth. Check it out.

~ Juliette



Dear Juliette,

I teach biology and, consequently have several models of the human eye in my room. I feel like I’m never alone in my classroom and that I’m constantly being watched. While I never see the models move, I’m pretty sure they’re tracking me. Can you shed any light on the validity of this feeling?

~ Bio Teacher


Dear Bio Teacher,

The eyes have it! HA HA HA I couldn’t resist…

We all know eyes are the mirror to the soul.

It is well known that many subjects of paintings seem to follow one with their eyes around a gallery. It has to do with the way a painting is created and a canvas’ lack of the third dimension we find in real life. The elements of shadow, light and perspective,of  some paintings will give you the feeling of being watched. The skill of the painter also has a lot to do with that and how the eyes are painted. I believe too that the painter puts part of his/her soul into a portrait. Just look at Van Gogh’s self portraits, or Vermeer’s The Girl with the Pearl Earring.

Dolls, especially old dolls (for example German Armand Marseille dolls) will seem to follow one around a room as well. I have to admit that I like the idea that they get up in the middle of the night and hover over beds to watch sleeping people…but I’m getting off subject.

As for your model eyes, they are possessed. Yep, plain and simple. Now everyone can say you have that haunted look in your eyes. Get used to it. On the other hand it can’t be weirder than being a mom – because you know moms have eyes in the back of their heads.

~ Juliette

Girl with a Pearl Earring, oil on canvas, 1665.

Girl with a Pearl Earring, 1665.


Dear Juliette,

My parrot pooped gold nuggets and when I went to a dealer he verified it was real gold. He asked me where I got this gold because it is the purest gold he’s ever seen? Should I tell anyone?

~ Parrot Mom


Dear Parrot Mom,

I have to admit that is better than chicken nuggets any day. No. Are you kidding? Don’t tell anyone. Good Parrot!

~ Juliette


fruit bat cutie

If you have any questions for next Thursday send them to me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman