Ask Juliette (Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a regular Thursday feature here at Vampire Maman. All questions are from my readers. Many of this week’s peanut gallery of questions are about Werewolves, but I’ll also answer questions about love, quantum physics, eyeballs, crying pretty and more. Oh boy.
If you have any burning questions about love, life, Vampires, teens, parenting, pets, or anything just ask. I can be reached at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com
Why do Werewolves smell so bad?
Obviously you’ve been unfortunate enough to be near a Werewolf in wolf form. Werewolves are like teenage boys. They go through massive changes in their body chemistry and everything just goes crazy. Plus they are around urine, sweat, gross stuff on the ground, sweat, dirt, and slobber. What that is all mixed together the bacteria sets in and it is just gross. The bacteria that loves Werewolves is so strong.
That is why most Werewolves in human form are insanely fastidious about their personal hygiene.
My son has taken a liking to facial piercings. I don’t really mind them. Lots of young people have them. But when is enough enough?
~ Holy Mother of Bob
Dear Holy Mother of Bob,
Four. More than that makes a man look like a piercing, not a man with piercings. But first and foremost watch for infections. I see a lot of young people with infected eyebrow piercings. Make sure he goes to a professional to get the piercings done – for both safety and good placement.
If my dog goes into heat during a full moon, do I have to worry about werewolves being attracted to her? I’m not sure I could handle Were-puppies.
~ Friend of the Fur
First of all do the responsible thing and have your dog spayed (fixed.) But no, your dog is safe. Werewolves like other Werewolves.
Why is love so complicated?
~ Love Lorn
Dear Love Lorn,
As the World’s foremost expert on love letters I’ve often pondered this question.
Hell, I don’t know.
Every day when I go to work, I leave my kitchen spotless. Nobody is home except the dogs and the cat. When I get home, the place is a disaster! Unfinished food and dirty dishes everywhere! Do I have a Poltergeist, or am I delusional about the quality of my housework?
No, you aren’t delusional, and it is not the cat or dog. You have a teenager in your house.
Do Werewolves control when they change?
I’m assuming you aren’t talking about changing clothes.
Yes, most Werewolves can change, or partially (this is usually the case) on demand, especially when they are angry. Most don’t. It just isn’t socially acceptable. Unfortunately they can’t control changing under a full moon. There is no way around it. Full Moon = Werewolf Transformation.
I fell really super hard today, on cement. And I really super ugly cried. Is there a way to cry pretty? Thanks any advice will be helpful.
Sitting on the ground howling like a Werewolf under a full moon isn’t going to fly. Yes, you can cry pretty, or at least not so ugly. Learn to suck up your pain like an adult. Dig your fingernails into your palms until you bleed – but don’t cry, don’t howl, don’t be a big baby. Just a simple single tear, and bravery is the most attractive and sexy way to fall and bleed.
Saying a sad and small, “I’m ok, really,” as you wipe away the blood will make you far more attractive than a face puffed up from too many tears. Give it a try. You’ll thank me for it later.
Is something wrong with me that I would rather be a bird than a human. I try really hard to shapeshift but nothing happens. It makes me sad. Do I need therapy?
We all have longings to be something we are not. Get over it.
I took a shower last night and as I was drying myself I felt a tail growing. It scares me. I have been getting hungry for raw meat too. Is this what happens when you turn to a werewolf? Scared. Please help.
~ Looking Behind Me
No, you are not turning into a Werewolf. You are turning into a minor Demon. You need help, and fast. If you start to get hooves call a farrier ASAP.
Hi, is there a parallel universe? Being me but living a different life?
~ Just Me for Now
Dear Just Me,
Why yes, there is a parallel universe and a different you is in it.
For those readers who aren’t familiar with the concept: The multiverse is a theory in which our universe is not the only one, but states that many universes exist parallel to each other. These distinct universes within the multiverse theory are called parallel universes.
There are those who believe they have seen people from parallel universes coming into ours. Most of those are ghosts sightings or your garden variety annoying time travelers. We already have enough of our own weirdness without complicating it with the idea of people jumping from one universe to another.
In fact, this morning I asked Nigel the Ghost about it. He said “Fuck that. I’m not from a parallel universe,” and then he vanished in a cloud of blue vapor. Who knows when I’ll see him again.
Yes, there are those people who believe they have seen their other self.
Some believe that we can sometimes have precognitive dreams or Deja-vu due to our connection to our other self in parallel universe.
Of course I can’t even spell parallel much less consider the ramifications of meeting another me. It would be weird. Would she be a Vampire? Would she be the person I always wanted to be? Would she be so different that I would hardly recognize her? Would I have an emotional tie to her? Would the experience change me? Could we switch lives for a while just to try it out?
The best film I’ve ever seen about this is Another Earth. Check it out.
I teach biology and, consequently have several models of the human eye in my room. I feel like I’m never alone in my classroom and that I’m constantly being watched. While I never see the models move, I’m pretty sure they’re tracking me. Can you shed any light on the validity of this feeling?
~ Bio Teacher
Dear Bio Teacher,
The eyes have it! HA HA HA I couldn’t resist…
We all know eyes are the mirror to the soul.
It is well known that many subjects of paintings seem to follow one with their eyes around a gallery. It has to do with the way a painting is created and a canvas’ lack of the third dimension we find in real life. The elements of shadow, light and perspective,of some paintings will give you the feeling of being watched. The skill of the painter also has a lot to do with that and how the eyes are painted. I believe too that the painter puts part of his/her soul into a portrait. Just look at Van Gogh’s self portraits, or Vermeer’s The Girl with the Pearl Earring.
Dolls, especially old dolls (for example German Armand Marseille dolls) will seem to follow one around a room as well. I have to admit that I like the idea that they get up in the middle of the night and hover over beds to watch sleeping people…but I’m getting off subject.
As for your model eyes, they are possessed. Yep, plain and simple. Now everyone can say you have that haunted look in your eyes. Get used to it. On the other hand it can’t be weirder than being a mom – because you know moms have eyes in the back of their heads.
Girl with a Pearl Earring, 1665.
My parrot pooped gold nuggets and when I went to a dealer he verified it was real gold. He asked me where I got this gold because it is the purest gold he’s ever seen? Should I tell anyone?
~ Parrot Mom
Dear Parrot Mom,
I have to admit that is better than chicken nuggets any day. No. Are you kidding? Don’t tell anyone. Good Parrot!
If you have any questions for next Thursday send them to me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail .com
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman