Favorite Punchlines (add any joke, they all work HA HA HA):
- Look a talking dog!
- You going to eat that?
- No, but St. Peter sure will be surprised!
- No but I’ll bite your neck anyway.
And a short joke: A guy goes into a bar with a penguin. The bartender says “Are you going to take that thing to the zoo?” The guy says “We went to the zoo yesterday. We’re going to catch a movie today.”
So in light of it being Friday and we all need to start out the weekend with a smile…I’m posting a story that has turned out to be a favorite among my readers (old and new.)
How to Respond to a Love Letter
Part One: How to Write A Love Letter
How would I write a love letter?
As if I’d tell my teen that. Teens usually know but forget as they grow old and fearful.
I would write it by hand on a yellow legal pad with pencil. I would write it over and over until it was exactly right. Then I’d get a fine piece of stationary and write the perfect letter with perfect script.
There are different kinds of love letters. There are those that say: Hey, I really like you a lot, lets get together. There are love letters that are heart breaking and say: I’m lost without you. There are those that say: You are the one, the only one, the absolute only one. And there are those that say: After all these years together I love you still and always and forever.
It is simple really.
- Don’t sound desperate. That will turn someone off like a box full of baby rattlesnakes (I’ve been wanting to say that for a while).
- Simple is good.
- Poetic is always good.
- The truth is good.
- Don’t talk about YOU. Talk about the one you love.
- Talk about US.
- Abstract is good if it isn’t totally cryptic.
- Using quotes from others is ok too if you are at a loss for words.
- Write it and wait.
- A good love letter is like wine; it needs to sit for a bit. Write it and wait. Then after you’ve waited look it again.
But that isn’t really what this is about…
Part Two: How to write a response to a love letter (which is more fun if it isn’t addressed to YOU)
I’m not the kind of person who spies on my spouse or kids. I don’t go through drawers (but I will go through an attic) or personal papers. I won’t even read your email or go through your phone. It just isn’t good to pry.
BUT that said…there are situations where ALL BETS ARE OFF.
In a little over a week my romantically minded, smart, funny and handsome son Garrett will turn 17. His best buddy Randy is throwing him a bash and they are all going to dress up. Top hats, tails, ball gowns, the works. But it is all vintage. The girls are at the vintage and thrift stores or raiding their mother’s closets. The boys are looking at what their fathers and grandfathers have plus raiding the thrift stores and vintage shops.
Garrett came downstairs in a beautiful long black coat. It came almost to his knees, beautifully cut. He looked so handsome, so much like his father.
“Dad said I could wear this. What do you think?”
“Wow. Perfect.” I remember long ago when my husband Teddy wore that coat. It was long before we married, in another time and place.
“Look what I found in the pocket.” Garrett held out a pale cream-colored envelope.
Inside was a note written in a beautiful script.
March 20, 1889
The sun shines but brings nothing so warm or bright as my memory of your kiss. Last night under the stars of heaven I thought I’d been taken by an angel. Yet, when I opened my eyes it was you with your arms around me. Your kiss took me away from the common world into the world of Venus and Mars. My heart quickens at the thought of you. The sound of your voice, the touch of your hand, your lips on mine.
My love, my life, my always.
Meet me tomorrow at the gates of the cathedral.
Until then my love,
Always and forever.
The three of us looked at each other then for no reason we started to laugh.
“So if you have to respond what would you write?” I asked this of my kids knowing they are always up for a creative challenge.
Thirteen-year-old Clara went first.
I’m in love with someone else. She is totally clueless to how I feel. She is the only one I want to hunt with. She makes me laugh. She is beautiful. I want her to be the mother of my children. I won’t have the courage to tell her for another 100 years. Sorry. Go find yourself a nice guy. I might be good looking but I’m a real pain in the butt. Most exceptionally good-looking guys are like that. We all think we’re “all that”. You don’t want a guy who thinks he is “all that”. Give it a few months and you won’t like me anymore. I bet you’ll hate me. Besides, I hate to break this to you but if you haven’t figured it out already I’m a Vampire.
You ROCK Mary and I know you’ll find someone better than I can ever be.
Next Garrett read his letter aloud.
Your beauty lights up a room,
Both beauty of your body and soul,
Forgive me for being so forward,
To dare say,
You are dear, so dear to me.
But I must protect your heart,
And speak the truth,
I am a man of the shadows,
And would kill your sunshine,
And your glowing light and spirit.
I would never make you happy.
I will always treasure our time together.
You are beauty and light that I would never be able to hold.
Fly free Mary. Fly free and find love where you deserve it.
In the light,
In the sun,
With someone who can love you
The way you deserve to be loved.
Always in my heart,
By then both of my children were laughing so hard they had slid off the couch and were on the floor.
So I wrote my response.
I would run my hands down your bare shoulders then kiss your beautiful neck. I would slowly undress you and gaze upon your beauty in the moonlight knowing that you are mine alone. I will take what I desire, but leave you with more than you could ever imagine. When you gasp your little sighs of pleasure I will sink my fangs into you and drain your blood from your body. I will fill your soul with dark carnal thoughts that will drive you insane and ruin you for any other man. Then I will leave you begging for more, never to see you again. So Mary, forget me, unless you want a life of ruin and insanity.
I folded that one up because there is no way I’d read THAT to my children.
I started over.
My dearest Mary,
I have not been honest with you. I have a wife and three children in America. I respect you too much to make you my mistress or even be your close friend.
I am sorry.
We heard a loud engine and then the loud stereo. Teddy (Theodore) was home.
We didn’t tell him why we were all smiling but he liked way the jacket fit Garrett.
“Who is Mary?” Garrett asked his father. Clara started to giggle.
I put my arm around Teddy’s waist and handed him the letter.
“Mary? Oh right, she was a girl I met at a party in London. Pretty girl and insanely wealthy. She had a crush on your Uncle Maxwell. What, you didn’t think she wrote that letter to me did you? It was for Max.”
“What happened?” I asked in anticipation of a good story.
“Nothing. I never gave it to him. She didn’t know he was a Vampire or anything other than he was a charming man with an air of danger about him.”
“What happened to her?” 13-year-old Clara had to ask.
Teddy smiled. “Mary met the love of her life a few weeks later and lived a long and happy life.”
Which goes to show that sometimes the best love letters are those that are never sent.
And, proves once again that being kissed by a Vampire isn’t a bad thing. (Click here for a story about that)
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman