Batman vs Superman
When this movie first came out I thought it was about Batman and Superman fighting over the last pair of XL sized tights.
Alright, I told this joke to about twenty people and everyone, without a single exception, ignored me. I thought it was funny. I was ready to get a reaction and laugh until my side hurt.
But that brings me to a questions. Why do super heroes wear tights? If you’re a skater or a dancer you know that tights get snagged and tights get runs. What self-respecting GUY is going to fly through the air or wherever with runs in his tights?
Does Batman, and his super hero friends shave their legs? Ladies know that a big mat of leg hair under stockings and tights can show through, making for an unattractive mess.
When they wear tights do they wear footless tights and thick socks under their boots to prevent blisters? That would be the most practical because they could slip off their boots and socks and switch to flip flops on hot days. (And click here to find out why Vampires wear yellow flip flops.)
Why capes? They don’t help anyone fly. Even Vampires have given up on the whole opera cape thing. They’re not practical unless you’re going to have a picnic and forgot to bring a towel, or you’re stuck in the airport overnight and need a blanket.
Why the masks? Why don’t you want anyone to know who you are? Aren’t you proud of saving the world? Don’t you want people to be able to relate to you? Are you ugly without the mask? If you’re a super hero why are you afraid so someone knowing who you are? I mean, you’re stronger than just about anyone and have super powers so it isn’t like someone is going to hurt you anytime soon.
I’m sure there must be answers. Nobody, male or female, in my family is a big super hero fan, except, yes, we do see most of the Marvel movies. We adore the Avengers in the movies, because they’re just all so darned good looking. And who didn’t love Guardian’s of the Galaxy, but they didn’t wear tights. I can’t imagine Chris Pratt in tights. And he isn’t going to be playing a dancer anytime soon, I can almost guarantee that.
Why do we keep animals in our homes?
My puppy eats tampons then barfs them up. My cats barf up everything else. My entire house smells like dog pee. Somebody keeps digging up my roses. My dining room chairs are covered in cat fur and cat barf. My cats fight and hate the dog. One of the cats claws up furniture. Don’t even suggest a spray bottle – that means you have to catch them in the act, and they’re sneaky little shits.
Sure they’re cute, they’re sweet, they give us unconditional love, they protect us (so I hear but I’ve yet to see that in my house), they’re funny, they make us laugh, but they’re a pain in the ass. Yes, they wrap their little paws around our hearts and don’t let go. Sigh.
Why do fools fall in love?
When my son was in high school I’d find notes in the dryer, folded up, and now crisp. They were love letters and poems he’d penned on yellow legal pads, then folded many times and hidden in his jeans pockets, only to be found by me, his mom.
Your blonde hair blowing
In the wind
Behind your bike
You’d break up
And Kyle, Brandon, Forest, James, Jake, Ian, Austin, Jason, Christopher, Justin
I imagine when we’re grown.
You a CEO in pearls and a suit. I the most powerful Vampire in North America. You in a meadow, on a beach, in the moonlight. The wind is in your hair. You ask for a hair clip. I don’t have one because I’m a dude. You look at me and smile then tell me you got into Yale. Your dream. Our dreams entwined. You’re leaving. I’m staying on the West Coast. You broke my heart. Damn you.
I found hundreds of those little notes scrawled out on yellow paper in fine point Sharpie or purple ball point pen. He seemed to have a thing for girls with hair blowing in the wind.
He is my romantic. Garrett is always falling in love, or out of love, or falling for the idea of love. I’ve always thought he loves the idea of love more than love.
Now he is in college and the game has changed. I’m starting to find the notes again, now that he is home for summer break.
I love the way your cool skin feels on mine.
I love the way your warm hands feel on my cool skin.
I wish I didn’t see those. He is twenty now. But cool and warm? That means he is seeing both Regular Human and Vampire girls. Yes, that is to be expected. But I didn’t want to see that. I’m his mom.
At least I know that he talks to me about this stuff. Even at twenty he talks to me.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman