Unanswered Questions (about super heroes, animals, and fools falling in love)

Part 1

Batman vs Superman

When this movie first came out I thought it was about Batman and Superman fighting over the last pair of XL sized tights.

Alright, I told this joke to about twenty people and everyone, without a single exception, ignored me. I thought it was funny. I was ready to get a reaction and laugh until my side hurt.

But that brings me to a questions. Why do super heroes wear tights? If you’re a skater or a dancer you know that tights get snagged and tights get runs. What self-respecting GUY is going to fly through the air or wherever with runs in his tights?

Does Batman, and his super hero friends shave their legs? Ladies know that a big mat of leg hair under stockings and tights can show through, making for an unattractive mess.

When they wear tights do they wear footless tights and thick socks under their boots to prevent blisters? That would be the most practical because they could slip off their boots and socks and switch to flip flops on hot days. (And click here to find out why Vampires wear yellow flip flops.)

Why capes? They don’t help anyone fly. Even Vampires have given up on the whole opera cape thing. They’re not practical unless you’re going to have a picnic and forgot to bring a towel, or you’re stuck in the airport overnight and need a blanket.

Why the masks? Why don’t you want anyone to know who you are? Aren’t you proud of saving the world? Don’t you want people to be able to relate to you? Are you ugly without the mask? If you’re a super hero why are you afraid so someone knowing who you are? I mean, you’re stronger than just about anyone and have super powers so it isn’t like someone is going to hurt you anytime soon.

I’m sure there must be answers. Nobody, male or female, in my family is a big super hero fan, except, yes, we do see most of the Marvel movies. We adore the Avengers in the movies, because they’re just all so darned good looking. And who didn’t love Guardian’s of the Galaxy, but they didn’t wear tights. I can’t imagine Chris Pratt in tights. And he isn’t going to be playing a dancer anytime soon, I can almost guarantee that.

 

Part 2

Why do we keep animals in our homes?

My puppy eats tampons then barfs them up. My cats barf up everything else. My entire house smells like dog pee. Somebody keeps digging up my roses. My dining room chairs are covered in cat fur and cat barf. My cats fight and hate the dog. One of the cats claws up furniture. Don’t even suggest a spray bottle – that means you have to catch them in the act, and they’re sneaky little shits.

Sure they’re cute, they’re sweet, they give us unconditional love, they protect us (so I hear but I’ve yet to see that in my house), they’re funny, they make us laugh, but they’re a pain in the ass. Yes, they wrap their little paws around our hearts and don’t let go. Sigh.

 

Part 3

Why do fools fall in love?

When my son was in high school I’d find notes in the dryer, folded up, and now crisp. They were love letters and poems he’d penned on yellow legal pads, then folded many times and hidden in his jeans pockets, only to be found by me, his mom.

Sweet Madison
Your blonde hair blowing
In the wind
Behind your bike
I wish
You’d break up
With Mike
And Kyle, Brandon, Forest, James, Jake, Ian, Austin, Jason, Christopher, Justin

Or

I imagine when we’re grown. You a CEO in pearls and a suit. I the most powerful Vampire in North America. You in a meadow, on a beach, in the moonlight. The wind is in your hair. You ask for a hair clip. I don’t have one because I’m a dude.  You look at me and smile then tell me you got into Yale. Your dream. Our dreams entwined. You’re leaving. I’m staying on the West Coast. You broke my heart. Damn you.

I found hundreds of those little notes scrawled out on yellow paper in fine point Sharpie or purple ball point pen. He seemed to have a thing for girls with hair blowing in the wind.

He is my romantic. Garrett is always falling in love, or out of love, or falling for the idea of love. I’ve always thought he loves the idea of love more than love.

Now he is in college and the game has changed. I’m starting to find the notes again, now that he is home for summer break.

I love the way your cool skin feels on mine.

or

I love the way your warm hands feel on my cool skin.

I wish I didn’t see those. He is twenty now. But cool and warm? That means he is seeing both Regular Human and Vampire girls. Yes, that is to be expected. But I didn’t want to see that. I’m his mom.

Oh well.

At least I know that he talks to me about this stuff. Even at twenty he talks to me.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you to Evil Squirrel at Evil Squirrel’s Nest, and his inspiration on unanswered questions about Super Hereos from our friend at  Faith, Hope, and Chocolate.

 

 

 

 

 

Heros and Role Models – Do your kids really need them? Honestly?

Super Heroes. They wear tights. We all know tights run and snag. If you follow the news you already know that in real life (outside of parties) only cowardly weak minded terrorists wear masks. Yes, these guys in tights and masks are great for comic books but not for any real life applications.

Like the word “quality” and “guarantee” hero has almost come to mean nothing.

All teens are fans of something or someone. They follow bands and know every single detail of band members lives (including where they live, their girlfriends names, etc etc etc).

But the blind following of public heroes appalls me. So many of these “heroes” and “role models” especially sports stars are not fit to be heroes. They use drugs, break the law, and cheat on their spouses and the only reason they are noticed is because of good PR.

Kids get caught up in it and are encouraged by parents. STOP. Your child should look up to people he or she knows. It is the everyday that is so important and overlooked.

We can learn lessons from famous people but it has gone too far. I blame the media but I blame parents who get caught up in all of the drama and hero worship.

So what if your kid is disappointed in a public figure and is sad about it. Tell the to buck up and that the real world can be a harsh place. This would be a good lesson in choosing whom you idolize and what character really means. You can’t protect your child from everything and maybe you shouldn’t be.

A hero is someone who stands up for what they believe – unmasked and out in the open

A hero is someone who mentors and supports others.

A hero is real.

Heroes fart. They belch. They engage in sexual activity (sometimes in an actual relationship with someone they love). They get pissed off. The go over the speed limit. They get paper cuts. They accidently catch the cat’s tail in the door. They eat Cheetos and ham and at fridge door late night when nobody else is looking. They scratch their butts. They know all the words to Mandy by Barry Manalow. They do all the things we try not to think of them doing.

Why would any boy idolize Lance Armstrong more than he’d idolize his history teacher? The history teacher knows it isn’t about money or fame. History teachers rock. The media should make history teachers our new media stars – along with language, art, science and math teachers. Or how about the neighbor on the local Swat Team (talk about kick ass). How about your orthodontist. I admire him a lot more than I’d ever admire some attention grubbing football player (look everyone I can pray) or that guy who races bicycles. Kids should admire relief workers who go into the most horrible spots on earth to help in hopeless situations. Admire the guy who wins without cheating. Admire the guy with nothing to hide.

Tell your kids to admire the team of smart cookies who developed the smart phone I’m writing this post on. It is nothing short of magic.

Most of all TALK to your kids about who they choose as heroes and role models. yes, be a hero – talk to your kids and listen.

~ Juliette