You Don’t Tug on Superman’s Cape

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It is almost 5:30 p.m. and 107 degrees Farenheight outside. I’m going to piss someone off with this post but maybe not. It is just too hot to care. Just like old people and tiny children who just say whatever they want.

This morning I took Eleora to the art museum. It was lovely. She made rude comments about the modern art. She made a racist remark about someone walking along outside of the museum. She is old. She forgets things. I said nothing this time. I just changed the subject. When one is with a 2000+ year old Vampire one learns to change the subject quite frequently.

Then we had lunch (a lovely cold type A blood soup with heirloom tomatoes) with my husband who was on a political roll. By then it was over a hundred degrees outside. I thought about our daughter who’d gone up north with her boyfriend to spend time in a cabin. It is only 102F there today. The poor kids are going to swelter. At least I know they’ll wear their sunscreen.

And now I’m home in my quiet house waiting for the cool dark night and Vampire things.   But that got me thinking about mysteries and strange heated things like the mystery surrounding George Reeves, and Christopher Reeve and coincidences and other strange things like Superman. I never think of Superman, except… maybe it is the heat. Maybe it has something to do with no spitting in the wind…

I’ve never been a big fan of the Superman franchise. Except for Christopher Reeve, and of course George Reeves, all of the other movie depictions have made him seem like some sort of weird overly pretty sissy. I love pretty men, but … come on you know what I’m talking about. These guys aren’t Supermen. They’re fashion models. No offense to fashion models – fuck it – I can’t say anything these days without offending someone.

But in defense of the not so masculine and memorable Supermen, they should consider themselves lucky.

Christopher Reeve, who was insanely talented in so many ways, and was also a heart-throb in the romantic movie “Somewhere in Time,” was in a riding accident. Tragically he became a paraplegic. But that didn’t stop him. It showed that he WAS Superman in body and soul. You know what happened. It was tragic, but he kept going. Damn.

George Reeves was murdered. The case has not been solved. Any thought on this would be interesting to hear.

The guy who originally illustrated Superman also drew S&M comics. The guy who drew Donald Duck also drew beautiful racy women (I have one of his original nudes in my own bedroom.) OK enough of these fun facts some of you might not have known.

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By Carl Barks who later created Donald Duck. I wonder which illustrations he had more fun drawing. I have the original sketch of this in my bedroom. I think he enjoyed this one more than any duck.

I found a box of old comics including a large lot of Lois Lane, Superman’s Girlfriend. These are the weirdest comic books in the known universe. These were from the late 50’s and early 60’s, before the influence of Marlo Thomas and Mary Tyler Moore. Holy shit Lois made a fool of herself over Superman and Clark Kent. Seriously Lois, if you can’t recognize a guy when he changes his part and takes off his glasses then you need to get your eyes checked. Lois was smart, sexy, but always gave off the vibe that she really wanted to be a bad girl. She wanted to be a modern girl who was a woman with equal standing with men AND equal pay. She wanted to be the one wearing the tights.

It is 107 degrees farenheit outside (I already said that but I’ll say it again) and my brain is fried, but not enough to stop me from thinking about Lois.

 

The Bomb

A Lois Lane Story from Juliette aka Vampire Maman

“What the hell Clark? Tights?”

“I wear them to yoga, and palates.”

He was fantastic, but then again as soon as he opened his mouth to talk I was ready to fall asleep.

But my god the man was good in bed.

The next day I was still investigating a murder, and I stopped for coffee at a place called Krypto Coffee. I’m sitting there taking notes and sipping my iced vanilla latte when some bald guy sits down and tries to sweet talk me. He tells me how rich he is and treats me like I’m some dumb bimbo ready to fawn all over him.

I just picked up my drink and left. Fuck I hate when that happens. What is it with guys around here?

No sooner had I walked out there was an explosion in the building across the street. I could hear the sirens. I ran across and tried to help the injured people coming out of the building. Then I get body slammed and something picks me up and I’m all the sudden up in the sky.

I had the breath knocked out of me, and then I realized that I was in the arms of a flying man.

“I’m Superman,” he said.

“Please put me down,” I told him.

“I’m here to save you,” he said.

Then I looked at his face. “What the fuck Clark? Jesus Christ on a bicycle put me down.”

“How’d you know it was me?”

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That is all I have right now. I’ll add my own illustrations to the story later. Maybe.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. Stay cool. Have fun. And don’t mess around with Jim.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

Unanswered Questions (about super heroes, animals, and fools falling in love)

Part 1

Batman vs Superman

When this movie first came out I thought it was about Batman and Superman fighting over the last pair of XL sized tights.

Alright, I told this joke to about twenty people and everyone, without a single exception, ignored me. I thought it was funny. I was ready to get a reaction and laugh until my side hurt.

But that brings me to a questions. Why do super heroes wear tights? If you’re a skater or a dancer you know that tights get snagged and tights get runs. What self-respecting GUY is going to fly through the air or wherever with runs in his tights?

Does Batman, and his super hero friends shave their legs? Ladies know that a big mat of leg hair under stockings and tights can show through, making for an unattractive mess.

When they wear tights do they wear footless tights and thick socks under their boots to prevent blisters? That would be the most practical because they could slip off their boots and socks and switch to flip flops on hot days. (And click here to find out why Vampires wear yellow flip flops.)

Why capes? They don’t help anyone fly. Even Vampires have given up on the whole opera cape thing. They’re not practical unless you’re going to have a picnic and forgot to bring a towel, or you’re stuck in the airport overnight and need a blanket.

Why the masks? Why don’t you want anyone to know who you are? Aren’t you proud of saving the world? Don’t you want people to be able to relate to you? Are you ugly without the mask? If you’re a super hero why are you afraid so someone knowing who you are? I mean, you’re stronger than just about anyone and have super powers so it isn’t like someone is going to hurt you anytime soon.

I’m sure there must be answers. Nobody, male or female, in my family is a big super hero fan, except, yes, we do see most of the Marvel movies. We adore the Avengers in the movies, because they’re just all so darned good looking. And who didn’t love Guardian’s of the Galaxy, but they didn’t wear tights. I can’t imagine Chris Pratt in tights. And he isn’t going to be playing a dancer anytime soon, I can almost guarantee that.

 

Part 2

Why do we keep animals in our homes?

My puppy eats tampons then barfs them up. My cats barf up everything else. My entire house smells like dog pee. Somebody keeps digging up my roses. My dining room chairs are covered in cat fur and cat barf. My cats fight and hate the dog. One of the cats claws up furniture. Don’t even suggest a spray bottle – that means you have to catch them in the act, and they’re sneaky little shits.

Sure they’re cute, they’re sweet, they give us unconditional love, they protect us (so I hear but I’ve yet to see that in my house), they’re funny, they make us laugh, but they’re a pain in the ass. Yes, they wrap their little paws around our hearts and don’t let go. Sigh.

 

Part 3

Why do fools fall in love?

When my son was in high school I’d find notes in the dryer, folded up, and now crisp. They were love letters and poems he’d penned on yellow legal pads, then folded many times and hidden in his jeans pockets, only to be found by me, his mom.

Sweet Madison
Your blonde hair blowing
In the wind
Behind your bike
I wish
You’d break up
With Mike
And Kyle, Brandon, Forest, James, Jake, Ian, Austin, Jason, Christopher, Justin

Or

I imagine when we’re grown. You a CEO in pearls and a suit. I the most powerful Vampire in North America. You in a meadow, on a beach, in the moonlight. The wind is in your hair. You ask for a hair clip. I don’t have one because I’m a dude.  You look at me and smile then tell me you got into Yale. Your dream. Our dreams entwined. You’re leaving. I’m staying on the West Coast. You broke my heart. Damn you.

I found hundreds of those little notes scrawled out on yellow paper in fine point Sharpie or purple ball point pen. He seemed to have a thing for girls with hair blowing in the wind.

He is my romantic. Garrett is always falling in love, or out of love, or falling for the idea of love. I’ve always thought he loves the idea of love more than love.

Now he is in college and the game has changed. I’m starting to find the notes again, now that he is home for summer break.

I love the way your cool skin feels on mine.

or

I love the way your warm hands feel on my cool skin.

I wish I didn’t see those. He is twenty now. But cool and warm? That means he is seeing both Regular Human and Vampire girls. Yes, that is to be expected. But I didn’t want to see that. I’m his mom.

Oh well.

At least I know that he talks to me about this stuff. Even at twenty he talks to me.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you to Evil Squirrel at Evil Squirrel’s Nest, and his inspiration on unanswered questions about Super Hereos from our friend at  Faith, Hope, and Chocolate.